I honestly don't know what I'm doing but if I send you this I do want you to see it.
So yeah.

Warning, very descriptive.

In 2014, I was 9, I had a sleepover at my cousin's house. I don't really remember why but I do remember what happened.

My uncle took me to get frozen yogurt and see a movie. We saw Blended. I still faintly remember bits of the movie.

When the movie was over, it was 1 am. We went back to his house so I could go to bed. When we got there, he turned on another movie to watch as I fell asleep on the couch.

I woke back up shortly after. My body was laying flat across the couch, all of my clothes had been taken off, just laying out across the floor.

He was at the opposite side of the couch, sucking at my toes.

I have absolutely never told anyone about that part because it was so utterly disgusting that I did not want to admit it.

When I woke up, I instantly backed up and got up. I grabbed my clothes and then said what I had been practically conditioned to say when he made me uncomfortable. Which was, "go take care of yourself." When I told him that, I was also told not to tell my aunt that he was 'taking care of himself.'

I then went back to my cousin's room, which is where I was supposed to sleep, and it was the first time I had trouble sleeping.

For years before this and probably a bit after, I don't know exactly for how long, all of my memories with him a skewed, I was groomed and sexually assulted by this man who claimed he loved me.

I was much too young to know how wrong this love was.

He taught me how to french kiss, which was another one of the seared memories in my brain.

He would buy me gifts, things I didn't know I wanted. I remember a point where he told me he loved me more than his own children.

There was also a point I remember when we emailed, I had told him I wanted to be a writer, I think, and he started emailing me 'chapters' to a story he wrote.

It was about a little princess named Hannah and a powerful wizard named Jeff. She would go exploring and the wizard would keep her out of trouble.

I remember looking forward to this email each week. I rememeber the characters were based off real life family members and I thought it was so cool.

Now, this story is all out of order. This is the series of events not as they happened, but by how well I remember them. Some things barely cling to my mind and some things are a part of my everyday life. Some things I barely think about but when he appears in my mind, the memory reappears too.

So just know, these events did happen, not in this order, and there were defintely more that I just can't remember.

Sometimes I feel disgusted by him.
Sometimes I feel disgusted by myself.
Sometimes I feel disgusted by my mom's whole damn side of her family.
But I can't do anything about it.
Except live with it.

I wish
sometimes
he didn't have to be
a disgusting
old
pedophile
but that's just what he was
and what he did
made me
who I am.