WARNING: TALKS OF SUICIDE

This is a different name for a chapter. We love change!

Anyway...

How are you guys?

I've felt like since a horrible friend to everyone recently. I'm so sorry.

This will explain changes I have had in my life, starting in Janurary.

If you didn't know, I did something incredibly stupid that I will never forgive myself for. I was selfish and even though the drama is over now, I never will forgive myself or forget what I did.

I was/am stupid.

But I almost did something the day after.

I had a panic attack that day and I just wanted everything to end.

While I was crying, praying that my roommate wasn't going into our room anytime soon, I was contemplating suicide.

I couldn't forgive myself and I thought to myself:

"Maybe, just maybe, if I die, I will never hurt my friends again. They deserve someone who would never hurt them, or someone who's stronger."

I hated myself from the moment on. I, of course, never did it, but I was ready. I was ready to say bye to everyone that I hurt.

I honestly never felt more scared I  my life, especially when I got sick.

I'm sorry if that seems dramatic.

But later that week, I listened to BTS.

And I never felt that much happiness before.

The instrumental track, the rap line, dance line, everything, made me feel alive.

I gave KPop a chance and it was the greatest thing I ever did.

I'm going to be honest a quick sec and say this.

I actually went through a phase for a month or so when I didn't listen to KPop. I was scared of revealing this to my friends because I didn't want to seem like I was lying about liking KPop or that I didn't care about them anymore.

I was scared so I kept to myself for the longest time about it. 

It wasn't until yesterday when I was sent a pictures of these amazing artists and I feel in love with KPop again. In fact, I'm listening to it right now.

(Horololo by EXO-CBX is amazing, by the way. Your ears will be blessed, I'm not lying, yeet.)

Along with KPop, I have also been listening to Broadway music a lot.

I know I've listening to BW music since forever, but...

(I literally lost my train of thought because Bad Boy started playing, lolololo)

I've been listening to it a lot. It's just...

I feel like the music understands me.

Evan Hansen understands my anxiety/depression.

Sorry, lol. I just wanted to get that out.😂

I've listened to so much and I'm so happy.

(Also, judge me. SpongeBob the Musical is amazing.)

Fun Home is also a masterpiece and the song Ring of Keys is amazing  (it's a song is about discovery and the main character finds out she attracted to girls in that moment and I cry every time, uggggh). Just give it a listen if you want to.:)

Which brings me to my my next thing...

I will always love them, but I am not a fan of Pentatonix anymore.

I didn't realize this until I had a nice conversation with my amazing group chat and I was sad yet happy.

In fact, I was more than happy.

I was/am ecstatic.

I loved Pentatonix since I was a junior in high school, but I'm going to be a junior in college soon (I'm shook???) and it's time for me to grow.

I deleted a lot of books I don't read anymore/only read for a one-shot or two and I felt...

Free.

I never felt happier.

Pentatonix will always have a place in my heart and I will still listen to them, but my Pentaholic days are over.

(Wow, I'm dramatic. I'm sorry.)

Anyway, now to my actual life, I'm 20 years old now!

I feel like I'm the actual mom in New Beginnings now, lol.

I love you, my children.❤

(Lo Siento is playing now and I can't believe that I haven't listened to this glorious piece of art that's called a song earlier???)

I also changed my major!

I have switched from the education track to sociology!

I am hoping to work in the foster care system/for CPS because that is a system that needs to be fixed. It's so heartbreaking and I just want to fight for those who can't fight themselves.

I go to bed every night and feel my heart break whenever I can't save these lives.

Anyway, I also feel like a horrible daugther.

I know my dad hurt me, but my mind makes me feel bad whenever I don't see/talk to my dad.

My mind yells at me, scolds me, for being a horrible daugther.

Yet the last time my dad saw me, he just said," Hey, baby girl" and then left.

Just like that.

He literally made feel like absolute trash for the last nine months because he basically told me that I don't talk to him anymore.

Geez, I wonder why.

It's not like you didn't see for six months when I throwing up or losing my hair or both at the same time, not at all.

I'm just...

I'm done, honestly.

What have I done to deserve something like that?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

But my brain makes me think differently.

Wow, we have reached 900+ words.

I'm a mess.

Also, I am considering making a new WattPad account!

(Bloomday is a bop, ammdwlrbejwlw)

I don't know what it have, or what the name would be, but it might happen and I'm excited.

We're nearing the end of this chapter, but I just want to say one more thing.

New Beginnings, if you have reached this end of this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not saying any of this stuff earlier. I just had a lot of junk in my life and I didn't know how to say it. You guys are my everything and you have helped me grow so much this past year. I am such a horrible friend. I almost ended everything we had with each other and I can't forgive myself, ever. You guys have stuck with me for so long and I am so grateful that you did.

Thank you for giving me the happiness that I thought I lost so long ago.

Thank you for giving me hope when I decided to listen to KPop.

Thank you for making me into the person I am today.

Thank you, just thank you.

You are my everythings.

And I love you so much.

Signing out,

Maddie

(Also, Shine by Pentagon started playing and all I could say is...

Pentatonix WHO?!)