CHAPTER 9 - FULL AND EMPTY

I never liked the idea of happiness. Because to me, it seemed as if every time I was having a good time, something horrible would happen. I've always disliked the concept of it, for I don't believe I deserve to be happy.

Kagaya na lang ngayon. We were so loud as we entered the bookstore near the hotel where we checked in. It was Ciqa's idea to cheer Ynigo. Kaya naman hawak niya ang balikat nito sa likod at tulak-tulak habang papasok. At the same time, the look on Vash's face was radiant as soon as she walked in. Both she and Florissa went straight to the part where there was a lot of stationery. Nash casually walked in while I was following him at the back.

I was surrounded by these good people, and I kept questioning, do I deserve them? Because I don't think I do. I am alright now, but what comes after? Hanggang kailan sila nasa tabi ko?

It was always a battle of guilt. Do I deserve to have friends when I failed to be one for Jace?

I shake off the thought before it consumes me. I walked through the bookstore, and the familiar smell of old books welcomed me. The bookstore had an antique architectural design. Windows with thin black frames lined the building. Rusted black iron gates were left open to let people in. No one else was there except us.

Each wall had a different color pattern of geometric shapes painted on it. On my left was a cashier reading an old book on her desk. The other side had a lot of magazines that were piled high and ready to be read. My eyes are drawn to different sections, but I choose to go to the literary section.

I've always wanted to be a poet since I was a kid. It amazed me how they could give a taste to a bitter coffee. I soon realized that I was glad to be a journalist because no two writers are alike. They are just like a Kintsugi vase. Each vase has its own unique flaws, but they all stand out. Different emotions to portray and different stories to tell.

Lumapit ako sa shelf at inabot ang isang aklat na nakapukaw ng attention ko. 'All of Her Colors' was the title of the book. The book's cover piqued my interest. It depicted a woman in a colorful long dress beneath a blue sky. I couldn't stop staring at it because of how it was painted; it made me feel so many different emotions.

"Nabasa mo na 'yan?" nilingon ko ang nagsalita.

Halos hindi ko napansin na nasa tabi ko si Nash dahil sa pagkamangha sa aklat. Umiling ako at tiningnan ang synopsis noon sa likod. It was about two stranger who agreed to spend the night together in quest of finding the real meaning of life.

"It was based on a true story," Nash said.

"Hindi ko tinatanong."

He chuckled as he took the same pair of books. "The author wrote it to find the strange girl, but based on my research, he didn't find her."

After hearing the story behind it, I looked at the book cover. Kaya siguro iba ang naramdaman ko while looking at it. I looked at the price and immediately brought it back to the shelf.

I can't afford to buy it. Sapat lang ang allowance na dala ko para sa buong trip. Hindi naman ako pumunta dito para bumili ng aklat. I just want the feeling of being surrounded by books.

"Okay na kayo?" Linapitan kami ni Vash after niyang mag check out.

Tumango lang ako dahil wala naman akong binili. Tuwang-tuwang ipinakita ni Ciqa ang binili niyang gouache paint at Canson watercolor pad para kay Ynigo.

"Ang daming magagandang designs!"

Lumapit na rin si Florissa na may malaking ngiti sa labi habang hawak ang pinamili niyang mga journal notebooks.

"Hoarder," Ciqa commented, but Florissa was too happy to even reply.

Nash was the last to come. "Tara na?"

Afterward, we ate at a fast-food chain for our dinner and went back to the hotel. Tomorrow is my competition in news writing, the same with Vash and Ciqa. We decided to brainstorm for a moment before going to bed.

"Should I join or not?" Ciqa asked.

For the first time since we came here in Baguio, ngayon ko lang nakita siya na magseryoso. I see her being serious regarding photojournalism, but now there is another level of seriousness. Gusto kasi niyang sumali sa documentary contest. It was not included in the program, but the lecturer earlier about documentary films decided he wanted the attendees to use their learning.

"Kaya kong mag-one-man team, pero I can't cover all the events alone," she said in a serious tone.

Tinapik siya ni Vash sa balikat. "I can cover for you kapag tapos na session ko. Nash also said he's gonna cover Rayne and your session. Just enjoy yourself too. Hindi ka mag-isa."

Nilapitan ko rin siya saka bahagyang ginulo ang buhok. "I can help you in the story flow."

So that night, tinulungan lang namin siya ni Vash na magconceptualize at gumawa ng story board niya para bukas. Since tapos na ang competition ni Ynigo, he also volunteered to assist Ciqa in filming.

When we finished Ciqa's storyboard, they decided to sleep. I borrowed Vash's laptop to research more news both locally and nationwide. Tulog na ang lahat sa room namin kaya lumabas ako sa upper lobby para mag-research since mas malakas din ang wifi doon at may mga comfortable tables.

The first thing I noticed about the hotel lobby was that it seemed very peaceful to be there. It looked a little crowded, but at the same time, it seemed to be very calm. May counter sa pinakang dulo ng lobby where you can order food and drinks such as coffee, wine, or any beverages.

To my surprise, Nash was also in the lobby with his laptop. Nakaupo siya sa isang table doon with his laptop and his earpods on.

Inilibot ko ang mata sa kabuoan ng lugar. His location was the most quiet part. Malayo iyon sa mga tao. Ayaw ko sanang makiupo pero iyon talaga ang pinaka magandang pwesto. I set aside my inhibition and continue to walk on his table. Nilapag ko ang laptop ni Vash sa harap niya saka naupo.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin at inalis ang kapares ng earpods na suot. He looked at me with his arching eyebrow and questioning eyes.

"Makikiupo," I said quietly.

Isinuot ko ang earphone ko kahit wala naman iyong sound. I just don't want to entertain a conversation between us. It's almost midnight, and I need to finish my research.

As if he got my action, he also put his earphone on his ears and didn't budge to talk to me. Pareho kaming walang imik habang gumagawa. I guess he was doing the template for our newspaper since nasa table ang dummy newspaper na napag-agreehan namin kanina.

I yawn in front of my laptop. May ilang news pa akong hindi napapanuod at nababasa. I have to read all of this just in case it appears in my competition. Nag-angat ng tingin si Nash sa akin at tila nakuha ko ang kaniyang atensyon dahil sa paghikab.

Binalik ko ang tingin sa monitor ng laptop at nagbasa. Tumayo siya at naglakad paalis. Hindi ko na iyon pinagtuonan ng pansin dahil kailangan ko ng matapos. I was in the middle of watching a news when suddenly, someone put a hot latte on the side of my laptop.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin kay Nash. He continued what he was doing. Nang ibalik ko ang tingin sa latte ay may nakalagay doon na note.

'Do some research about the feud between Cong. Cabrera and Mayor Ynares of Mystown.'

And I was glad I did. When I read the topic in the news writing competition, a thin smile crept into my lips. It was about politics. Sandali kong sinilip si Nash na nagpi-picture sa competition namin.

How come he knew it would appear? No wonder he was a gold medalist in his NSPC contest.

Nash was busy adjusting some settings on the camera kaya hindi niya pansin na nakatingin ako sa kaniya. He was wearing his usual navy blue hoodie. Iyon ang uniform nila sa multimedia club if I was not mistaken. Suot niya ang specs niya, unlike the other time I saw him on coverage. I don't know if it's just me but he looks sexy while holding his camera. Mukha siyang matalino. I mean he is. Pero iba yung dating kapag may hawak siyang camera considering his features.

I felt my blood rise into my face when he consciously looked around and met my gaze. I immediately turn away and focus my attention on my paper.

We are given two hours to finish our news, but I finish mine with still plenty of time. It's a lot easier to write now that I've done some research on the subject the night before.

I went back to our room after my competition. Kanina habang nagsusulat ay para nang babagsak ang talukap ng mata ko dahil sa matinding puyat. I just texted Vash that I'll take a nap in our room. Nang magising ako ay eksaktong pagpasok nina Ciqa sa room.

"Rayne? Natulog ka?" nakakunot ang noo niyang tanong.

After a long nap, I was still sleepy and not in the mood to converse, so I just nodded.

"Nash and the rest are eating their dinner in the lower lobby. Tara samahan na kitang bumaba."

Tinanguhan ko siyang muli at inayos ang hinigaan. I took Nash's winter jacket with me. Habang nasa elevator ay nagkuwento lang si Ciqa ng experience niya sa documentary nila. I'm glad she also enjoyed her session. After we ate, bumalik din kami sa room ng boys at doon balak tapusin ang newspaper for the team.

Almost midnight, but since we were cramming, walang tulugan na naman ito. Ciqa was in charge of sorting all of the photos. I am proofreading. Si Vash tinatapos niya ang editorial namin samantalang busy sa pag-iilustrate si Ynigo para sa editorial cartoon.

"Isang article na lang," pagmamayabang ko habang nag-iinat.

"Nash, akin na yung SD card mo. Iso-sort ko yung photos kanina."

Walang imik na itinuro lang ni Nash ang camera niya saka muling nagpatuloy sa pagle-layout. Kinuha ni Ciqa ang SD card ni Nash at sinalpak iyon sa laptop ng TVOA. Sa macbook kasi ni Nash siya naglelayout.

Inaayos ko na ang mga gamit ko nang abutan ako ni Vash ng papel. "Rayne, paki-proof read na rin ito," aniya, hindi niya ako nilingon. Busy siya habang nagsusulat.

Sinilip ko ang papel at nakapangalan iyon kay Florissa. Inilibot ko ang paningin sa silid at huminto iyon kay Florissa na mahimbing nang natutulog sa sofa katabi ni Ynigo.

"OMG! Hoy, Nash ba't may porn?" impit na tili ni Ciqa kaya lahat kami ay napatigil sa ginagawa.

Nangunot ang noon ni Nash habang masamang nakatingin kay Ciqa.

"Bakit ang daming photos—"

Namilog ang mata ni Nash at halos itapon niya ang macbook na hawak sa bed nang takbuhin niya si Ciqa at tinakpan ang bibig. He immediately took out his SD and run to the other side of the room as if Ciqa will chase him.

"Hoy, ano 'yan? Gabing-gabi na!" sita sa kanila ni Vash.

Isang malakas na mapanuksong tawa ang pinakawalan ni Ciqa. Para siyang sira sa kama habang tumatawa. Nakakunot ang noo namin ni Ynigo sa kaniya dahil siya lang ang nakarelate sa kung ano man ang tinatawanan niya.

"Ako na lang magso-sort. Mabilaukan ka sana kakatawa," Nash scoffed and continued doing what he was doing earlier.

Bumalik na kami sa kaninang ginagawa. The first two hours was smooth. Ngunit nang mag-aalas-tres na at saka naman nacorrupt ang SD ni Ciqa ay halos nag-panic na kami.

"Dapat pala inuna ko nang mag-sort ng photos bago mag-edit ng para sa documentary," she was almost crying because of frustration.

"Kaya bang i-retrieve, Nash?" tanong ni Vash. Halata na rin sa mukha nito ang labis na pagkabahala.

Umiling si Nash. "Hindi na 'to mare-retrieve." aniya sa kalmadong boses. "We have no choice but to use the photos taken by your phone," he tapped Ciqa's back as if saying it was fine.

Hindi pa natapos doon ang kalbaryo namin. It was followed by Vash and Ynigo kept ko arguing about the editorial. Hindi kasi magkatagpo ang gusto nilang dalawa.

"I can't draw that again... it took me hours to conceptualize the idea," said Ynigo.

Vash gasped as a sign of disbelief. "Sabi ko naman kasing basahin mo muna yung editorial bago gumawa."

"Binasa ko naman. And it was my interpretation of it."

"But this isn't what I meant."

I don't know whether it's just me, but the atmosphere here is getting heavier. As if any moment, may magsasapakan dahil sa stress na ang lahat. We are cramming and still don't have enough sleep, so many unexpected things are beyond our control.

Kaya naman nang hindi gumana ang printer sa printing station nang alas kwuatro ng umaga halos sabay-sabay kaming napamura.

"Are we gonna make it?" I asked Nash, trying to sound unconcerned.

He didn't budge. He was so focused on checking and performing maintenance on the copier, but it didn't make a change.

Naihilamos ni Ynigo ang palad sa mukha nang may error message na lumabas sa monitor. He heaved a deep sigh. "What the hell! Bakit ngayon pa ayaw gumana?"

"Damn it! Hindi na ba tayo makakasali kapag hindi na print? Can we just pass the soft copy?" Florissa asked, biting her lips.

"Nakasaad sa guidelines, it has to be printed."

"What are we gonna do?"

Everyone was panicking. Ito ang pinakahininitay naming lahat. Our final output on this conference. Sa dinami dami ng time na pwedeng masira yung photocopier bakit sa amin pa nataon?

Maging si Vash ay hindi na rin maipinta ang mukha. Pinapakalma niya si Ciqa at Florissa pero bakas din sa mukha niya na nag-aalala din siya. I looked around at the printing station, I settled my eyes on Nash who's sitting comfortably, typing on his laptop.

Parang wala lang sa kanya ang lahat. Kanina habang nagkakagulo na kami sa corrupted SD card at sa mainit na bangayan ni Vash at Ynigo, tahimik lang siya. Siya ang pinaka kalmado sa aming lahat. Paano kaya niya nagagawa ang bagay na iyon gayong dito nakasalalay ang output namin.

Tumayo siya saka sinarado ang macbook. Linapitan niya kami at tila wala siyang pinoproblema.

"I contacted one of my mother's friends here in Baguio. May printing business sila at pumayag siyang iprint ang newspaper natin kahit isang piraso lang. I already emailed him the layout. He will deliver it to us later, before 8 am."

Napaawang ang labi ko sa sinabi niya. All this time we were panicking, he was trying to resolve the problem. Hindi ko alam pero sa sandaling iyon ay hindi ko maitatanggi na nalamangan niya ako. Him being so calm and assertive about the pub makes him a perfect leader to us. He was indeed the perfect EIC for the pub.

Tuwang-tuwa at nakahinga ng maluwag ang lahat. I don't know if I was being bitter but it doesn't sit with me well with the fact that he was better than me. I have to strive. I was engrossed in my own thoughts. Kaya nagulat ako nang may tumapik sa balikat ko.

"Stop worrying about it. We have to sleep!" ani Ciqa sa tabi ko. I nodded at her to ease her worriedness.

Sabay-sabay kaming nagkalad sa hallway na nilakaran namin kahapon. Colorful clouds fill the sky, the air is fresh and serene. The sun's increasing warmth announces a new day.

I chuckled as I noticed that sunsets and sunrises always look the same, but both have entirely different meanings. They are both beautiful, but if I had to choose, I'd go with the sunrise because the sunset reminds me that even beautiful things have to end.

"The first place for the Best Newspaper goes to The Voice of Arrionians Publication!"

It was an unexpected victory. Lahat kami ay kamuntik nang makatulog sa awarding. All of us might be asleep now if it wasn't for that announcement. Sabay-sabay kaming napatayo at nanlaki ang mga mata. Hindi pa sana kami lalakad palapit sa stage ngunit muli kaming tinawag indikasyon na kami nga ang nanalo sa kategoryang iyon.

Isa-isa kaming sinuotan ng medalya. Vash, Florissa, and Ciqatrix hugged. Samantalang nag-fist bump naman si Nash at Ynigo. I am calming my heart, but I certainly can't. The happiness that my heart contains is a genuine one.

We did it! We made it in the first place!

"The Voice of Arrionians also won the Best Designed Newspaper and Most Interesting News Article!"

Mas lalong nanlaki ang mata ko nang banggitin ang pamagat ng sinulat kong news article. Awtomatiko kaming nagkatinginan ni Nash. I offered him the most sincere smile I could muster up. Kung hindi niya ako tinulungan sa research ko, I wouldn't be able to write that news.

Pareho kaming naiwan sa harapan at sinuotan ng medalya. Ciqatrix was the one who took our photos. Sumenyas siya na magbago kami ng pose ngunit wala akong ibang alam kundi ang ngumiti lang.

"Ibang pose naman, Ulan. Mailalagay tayo sa headline ng pubmat ng Arrion."

Nilingon ko siya. "Naka-pose naman ako," saka ko siya sinamaan ng tingin.

"Napakasungit mo talaga," he said, putting his hand on my head, slightly messing up my hair.

Nakakahiya! Ang daming taong nakatingin!

Sa inis ko, kahit hindi pa tapos si Ciqa sa pagkuha ng larawan ay bumaba na ako ng stage. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang mabilis na pag-init ng mukha ko dahil sa ngiti niya.

Nang makaupo ako sa table namin ay sunod-sunod na papuri ang natanggap ko mula kina Ynigo.

"OMG, Rayne! Ang galing mo!"

"You made us proud!"

"Sabi ko na sayo, we really need you here! I didn't regret persuading you na sumama sa conference na 'to!"

I'm one of those who don't really care about how success would taste. I just long for the silent cheers. That tap in the back when everything is falling apart. That little push when I get too afraid to jump. Even though I denied it for how many years, I also long to be celebrated in those simple, little ways.

And now, as the whole TVOA Editorial Board congratulated me on my success, I can't help but feel valued. Everyone made me feel so welcome, as if I was already part of their world, even if I hadn't welcomed them in mine.

I often make snap judgments that every time I was having a good time, something horrible would happen. But now, looking back, it has led me to build walls around me, not just walls, a tower, and I was on the top.

Sa sobrang ayaw kong masaktan, hindi ko na rin hinayaan ang sarili ko na maranasang sumaya. I caged myself into believing I am not deserving. Pero mali pala ako. Unti-unting binasag ng editorial board ang pader na pilit ko tinatayo matapos akong iwan ni Jace.

A lone tear escaped my right eye as I smiled into them as I spoke. "Thank you!" for not giving up.

We did a tight group hug. Sobrang worth it ang puyat at pagod. We also congratulated Nash and the whole ed-board.

Habang naglalakad pabalik sa room namin, sobrang ingay namin sa hallway. Sa pamilyar na sulok noon kung saan ang dami na naming napagdaanan sa loob lang ng tatlong araw. If we didn't experience all of those hardship, hindi siguro namin maaapreciate ang panalo namin.

I smiled as I watched them walk ahead, laughing and smiling at the silliest things.

Isn't it amazing that sometimes bad things happen, but they are essential to bringing something even better into our lives? Looking back, I can see that it has led me to something good.

As if we were a glass of water that is half full but also half empty. And it's up to us to choose which half we want to pay attention to. It's just a matter of perspective.

"Rayne, tara na! Baka maiwan ka!" sigaw ni Ciqa nang mapansing nasa huli ako.

I just smiled at her. "Susunod ako!"

I once again looked at the glass-walled hallway. As the sun dipped below the horizon, the fleeting colors of dusk began to fade away.

"Are you happy now?" I asked, to his smiling image in my mind.

That genuine smile he always had when he looked at his favorite scenery.

I tried to reach over his face but was immediately stopped by the glass wall. I let out a half-hearted smile as I heaved the deepest sigh and started walking to follow them.