CHAPTER 35 - SCATTERED HUES

NONE OF THIS is what I expected.

When I decided to end my life, I wasn't thinking about the ripple effect. I wasn't thinking about what would happen to Arrion, or how the world would react. I wasn't even thinking about what would happen after—because in my mind, there was no after.

But there is... and it's loud.

My hands tremble as I scroll through my phone. Kahit pa gaano kahigpit ang hawak ko rito, hindi ko mapigilan ang panginginig. The sterile white walls of the hospital room close in around me. Ang tanging ingay lang sa kwarto ay ang steady beep ng monitors sa tabi ko.. Bukas pa raw ako madi-discharge.

Tita Linda isn't here. She's in Arion University. Siya na ang humarap sa admin, siya na rin ang nag-asikaso ng papers ko. She made it clear that I'm never stepping foot in that school again.

"Rayne needs rest. She won't be entertaining any interviews."

Iyon lang ang paulit-ulit niyang sagot sa mga reporters na gusto akong makausap. She left no room for argument. Para sa kaniya ay mas makakabuti iyon para sa akin.

She's protecting me. Pero habang binabasa ko ang sunod-sunod na posts mula sa social media hindi ko alam kung paano ko poprotektahan ang sarili ko sa bigat ng lahat ng ito.

Tweets, screenshots, Facebook statuses, anonymous stories.

People are talking. No, people are angry... at the school and at everyone who let this happen.

"A THIRD CASE. How many more lives will it take before Arion University takes accountability?"

"Remember Jace Ballesteros. Remember Gideon Aranzado? How many more, Arrion?"

Nagningning sa screen ko ang pangalan ko, but my eyes went straight to his. Jace.

People are talking about him again. People are demanding justice for him. Not in hushed voices, not as a passing tragedy, not as a cautionary tale people forget about after a few weeks. They're demanding justice for him.

Napapikit ako. I hope this time, we can give him that.

I scroll further as my heart pounded. There's a screenshot of an official news article. Pagkabasa ko pa lang ng headline parang gusto ko nang mahiya. I feel exposed. Like the whole school can see every crack in me.

"ARRION UNIVERSITY UNDER NATIONAL SCRUTINY AFTER THIRD STUDENT SUICIDE CASE"

Muli ko iyong binasa. Third student suicide case. That's what they're calling me. Mabilis kong binuksan ang link noon at binasa ang article.

Arrion University is now under heavy criticism after another student, Avery Rayne Carreon, attempted suicide—marking the third reported case in the past three years. This comes after the resurfacing of Jace Ballesteros' tragic passing and the controversy surrounding Gideion Aranzado's case.

I close my eyes for a second. Dama ko ang mabilis na tibok ng puso ko. I didn't expect this. I didn't expect my name to be attached to something this big. I didn't expect to be the face of a movement I never meant to start.

And yet, here I am.

I survived. Alive.

"Guys..."

Napapitlag ako nang biglang magsalita si Florissa.

Nagpaiwan sila nang umalis si Tita Linda para ayusin ang mga papers ko. Si Ynigo, nakaupo sa may bintana, mukhang ilang araw nang hindi maayos ang tulog. Si Vashnee, tahimik sa gilid, arms crossed pero halata sa expression niya na nag-aalala siya sa'kin.

Florissa swipes on her own phone, her brows furrowed. "Sa GC ng mga student leaders... CHED is looking into it na rin daw. Lalo na yung pagkatanggal ng scholarship ni Rayne. They are holding the Student Affairs responsible."

Rinig na rinig ko 'yung pagdagundong ng pintig ng puso ko. My heart skips.

"Everything when spiral. Pinagreresign na si Mr. Madrigal," Si Vashnee.

She turns her phone around para ipakita sa amin. A screenshot from a group chat. The messages flood in, too fast to keep up.

Ynigo exhales sharply, running a hand through his hair. "Even Nash's article, they're looking into it now. Pati na rin yung case niya, for not allowing him chance to take the exam."

I swallow hard. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa cellphone at titig na titig sa screen kahit parang lumalabo na ang mga salita sa paningin ko..

CHED is investigating. The school is under fire. The truth is out. And I should feel relieved or maybe vindicated... or something but I don't know what to feel.

Justice doesn't come swiftly. It doesn't arrive wrapped in a perfect conclusion. It takes time. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes it takes three lost lives before people finally start paying attention. And that's the worst part of all.

It took this much—this much pain, this much loss—for the world to finally listen.

Pero kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko na maibabalik si Jace. Hindi ko na maibabalik si Gideon. And it won't undo what I did. The damage is already done, and the people who turned a blind eye, the ones who failed us—they don't get to walk away from this untouched.

They will live with their choices because bad decisions have consequences. And whether they like it or not, karma will follow them.

I exhale shakily, placing my phone down on my lap. My fingers are still trembling.

I don't know what happens next. I don't know if Arrion will actually change. I don't know if the people responsible will ever truly pay for what they did. But at least now, the world knows the truth and I hope that's enough. So there won't be a fourth victim.

Napuno ng katahimikan ang kwarto. Tanging ang pag tap lang ni Ynigo ng may gigil sa screen ang naglilikha ng ingay.

"Ano ba yan, Ygo?!" si Vash

"She's still not answering my calls."

Napatingin ako sa kanya.

Nakatitig siya sa phone niya, kunot-noo, halatang-halata ang pagod sa mukha niya.

"Ciqa hasn't been to school," he continues. "She won't pick up the phone. Kahit sina tita, hindi niya sinasagot."

Florissa sighs beside me, fingers idly playing with the hem of her sweater. "I tried also. Wala."

I tighten my grip on the blanket.

"She's blaming herself," Ynigo whispered.

I don't answer. I don't have to. We all know it's true. I stare down at my hands, at the faint tremor in my fingers, at the bandages wrapped around my wrist.

Ciqa hasn't seen this. She won't let herself see this. Because if she does, it'll confirm what she already believes—that she failed me. And I can't let her think that.

I know exactly what she's feeling. I know how it creeps into your thoughts at night, whispering what if? over and over again. It's what I felt after Jace.

I don't want Ciqa to wake up every day wondering if she could've done something different. I don't want to be another Jace in her story or be another name that will lingers in someone else's nightmares.

Bumukas ang pinto ng kwarto at pumasok doon si Tita Linda.

"Everything's settled," Tita Linda announces as she steps inside. "We're leaving tomorrow."

Humugot ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga saka tumango. Parang hindi pa ako handang umalis pero kailangan.

"Baka hindi na tayo makadaan bukas sa bahay n'yo. Pinapunta ko na roon si Savi para ayusin ang gamit mo," she continues. "Diretsong airport na tayo."

Magtitinginan kami ni Ynigo.

I feel my own hesitation and the way my heart pounded against my ribs. I inhale sharply.

"Can I..." nanginginig ang boses ko but I push through it. "Can I talk to one of my friends before we go?"

Tita Linda doesn't even look up from peeling her banana. "Can you just call her? Baka malate tayo sa flight."

"No." I shake my head. "I need to talk to her personally."

Tuluyan na siyang nag-angat ng tingin. And when she saw the determination in my eyes she exhales, pressing her lips together, considering.

"Okay, okay. After your discharge."

I nodded at nakahinga ng maluwag. Ciqa feels like an unfinished business that I can't just leave behind.

Slowly, I turn to Ynigo. Then to Vashnee. Then to Floriza.

"Pwede niyo ba akong samahan?"

The three of them exchange glances. There's no hesitation, no need for explanation.

Ynigo nods first. "Of course."

Mabilis na bumaba ang tingin ko sa phone nang umilaw iyon. I kept on glancing on it. I even turned on the ringtone but I was welcomed by the disappointment. It's just a notification about Arrion again.

Kinabukasan maaga pa lang, nag-aayos na si Tita Linda para sa discharge ko. She handled everything—the paperwork, the nurses, the logistics. Wala akong kinailangang gawin kundi maghintay.

Maaga ring nandito sina Ynigo, Florissa, at Vashnee naghahanda para sa pag-alis namin. Nang dumating na si Savi, siya ang tumulong sa kanila na mag-asikaso ng lahat. Siya na rin ang nagdrive patungo kina Ciqa. Ygo just guide him with the directions.

Tahimik kaming bumaba sa sasakyan nang marating ang apartment ni Ciqa. I glance at Tita Linda as I gripped the straps of my bag.

"Can you wait for me? Mabilis lang po."

She sighs, arms crossed, but nods. "Huwag ka ng masyadong magtatagal."

Huminga ako nang malalim at tumingin kina Ynigo, Florissa, at Vashnee. Tumango si Ynigo saka lumapit sa pintuan. Akala ko ay kakatok pa siya but he pulls out a key from his pocket. He slides it into the lock, turns it, and pushes the door open.

And what greets us is the mess. Ciqatrix's place is a disaster.

Scattered notebooks, empty water bottles, untouched food on the table. The curtains are drawn, blocking out most of the sunlight. May amoy ng malamig na kape sa hangin, like she made one and never drank it.

Naglakad si Ynigo papunta sa isang kwarto. He knocked, "Ciqa, nandito si Rayne. Can she come?"

Tumingin si Ynigo sa akin nang walang sumagot sa loob. I just nodded at him. Lumapit ako sa pintuan saka pinihit iyon at dahan-dahang pumasok sa loob.

Ciqa was on her bed. She's curled up under the blankets, half-hidden in the dim room. Akala ko ay natutulog pa siya, pero bahagya siyang gumalaw. And when she turns, her eyes land on me.

Bakas ang pagkagulat sa mukha niya nang makita ako. Its like she's seeing a ghost.

Ynigo steps forward , "Ciqa—" parang gusto pa niyang lapitan ito para masigurong okay lang pero natigilan rin sandali.

"I'll leave you two alone," he says instead. Then he quietly steps out, closing the door behind him.

Now, it's just the two of us. Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa kanya. I sit on the edge of her bed. Neither of us speaks. Bumangon siya pero still wrapped in a blanket, like she's trying to disappear into it. Kaya niya ang mga tuhod habang nakatingin sa baba.

Sobrang ingay ng katahimikan. I don't know how to break it.

Then, her shoulders start to shake. Nag-angat ako nang tingin and I saw tears slip down her face. Halos walang ingay ang pag-iyak niya.

Hanggang sa mahina niyang sabi, "I'm sorry."

I swallowed hard. Napapikit ako, parang may bumara sa dibdib ko.

"I'm sorry, Rayne." She clutch the blanket even more. "Hindi kita kayang puntahan.... o harapin." Her voice cracks. "I couldn't even look at you."

Napatulala lang ako sa kaniya. At the way her chest rises and falls unevenly, at the way she's struggling just to get the words out.

"Alam ko na eh," bulong niya sa sarili, "I knew you were slipping away. And I did nothing."

Unti-unti parang nakalimutan kong huminga. Because I know this feeling. I know it so well it makes my stomach turn.

It's the same guilt that lived inside my chest for two years. The same guilt that kept me awake at night, replaying Jace's last messages, searching for the moment I should have said something, done something—anything to stop him.

I know exactly where she is right now and I just can't let her stay there.

Inabot ko ang kamay niya.

"Ciqa," I called her sofly, "Please look at me."

Hinintay ko siyang tumingin ng tuluyan sa akin. Nang magtagpo ang mga mata namin. Huminga ako ng malalim saka binitawan ang mga salitang, sa loob ng dalawang taon, hiniling kong sana marinig sa bibig ni Jace.

"I don't blame you...." I whispered. "It wasn't your fault."

She stiffens a bit. I exhale shakily. "I did it because of the pain. Not because of you. Not because of anyone."

Nanginginih ang labi niya. "But I—"

I shake my head. "You were angry at me... and you had every right to be."

Namilog ang mata habang namumuo doon ang luha.

"You were angry because you love me," I whispered. "Because you couldn't understand why I would do something like that. And Ciqa... that's not your fault."

Napasinghap siya saka tuluyan nang humagulgol sa harap ko. Rinig na rinig ko ang sakit sa bawat paghikbi niya.

I tighten my grip on her hand, "There's nothing beautiful about carrying this guilt," I told her, but morelike to my younger self. "It's hideous. It eats at you. It traps you."

She presses her lips together habang pinipigilan niyang gumawa ng ingay ang pag-iyak pero tuloy-tuloy na bumagsak ang luha niya.

"I don't want you to be like me," I added. "I spent two years carrying mine." Halos hindi ko na mabitawan ang mga salita but I push through. "Noong nawala si Jace... namuhay ako sa pagsisisi. Araw-araw, sinisisi ko yung sarili ko kasi wala akong nagawa. I let it consume me. I let it take pieces of me until there was nothing left." Umiling ako ng paulit-ulit. "I don't want you to wake up every day thinking you could've done something. Because the truth is you cared just enough that I was still here."

I take a shaky breath. Remembering that fortunate night.

Her grip on the blanket tightens.

I blinked back the burning water in my eyes. "Noong naglaslas ako." My voice is barely above a whisper now. "When the pain finally registered..." tinakpan ko ang bibig ko para hindi gumawa ng ingay ang hindi ko na mapigilang pag-iyak. "Noong nabasa ko yung column ni Nash... I wanted to live..."

Rumehistro ang gulat sa mata niya. I give her a small, sad smile. "I picked up my phone... I called Nash because I wanted to live... kasi mali iyong desisyon kong tapusin ang buhay ko nung gabing iyon."

Mas lalo lang siyang umiyak. Niyakap ko siya.

"You came just in time... You cared enough that you came... just in time. Even when I never asked for help. Even when I thought I didn't deserve it."

Humigpit ang yakap niya sa akin pareho na kaming malakas na umiiyak.

"I promise I'll live," I whispered. "Because of you, I got a second chance."

She lets out a broken sound. Mas lalo ko pang hinigpitan ang pagkakayakap sa kaniya. I wrapped my arms around her, holding her the way I wish I could have held Jace.

I don't promise her that I'll keep going because of guilt. I promise her because I want to.

Nanatili ang mainit na yakap niya ng ilang minuto hanggang sa tuluyan na kaming bumitaw. Pinunasan ko ang luha sa pisngi niya.

Ciqa's rubbing at her swollen eyes. I can still see the guilt on her but this time she can look at me with hope.

Pagkatapos nang ilang sandali, pumasok sina Ynigo sa kwarto. Ilang beses niyang pinagalitan si Ciqa sa hindi pagsagot sa tawag niya. We hugged Ciqa when she finally stopped crying.

Biglang kumunot ang noo niya nang kumalas siya sa yakap. "Si Nash?"

Bumigat ang dibdib ko nang marinig ang pangalan niya. Back at the hospital, I called him. Nang unang beses kong mahawakan ang cellphone ko, kahit nanginginig pa ang kamay ko. I dialed his number, pressed call, and waited.

Again and again but there was no answer. No reply. No text. No missed call from him later on. I called him because I wanted to say sorry.

Because I finally realized what I did to him. How I pushed him away, how I let my own pain cloud everything else. I wanted to tell him that he was right—about me, about what I was doing, about how I was letting my grief consume me.

Umiling si Ynigo "He left."

I look up, nakakunot ang noo. "Kailan?"

"He went to Cebu. Nagpaalam siya sakin," he said. "After his suspension. He said he wanted to visit his parents."

I inhale sharply.

"Tapos? Are you still in contact?"

Ynigo shakes his head. "I haven't heard from him since."

Si Nash 'yung pinakamadaling hanapin sa aming lahat. He was always there. One call away. But right now, I don't think he wanted to be found.

I bit my lip and clenched my fist. I pushed him away.

I was so focused on my own pain, my own anger, that I didn't see what I was doing to him. I didn't see that I was losing him too.

When he walked away that day—when he turned his back on me—I just let him.

If I had known that it would be the last time I'd see him. I should have said stay. I should have let him stay.

Mataas na ang sikat nang araw nang lumabas kami sa apartment ni Ciqa. Hinatid nila ako sa labas. Tita Linda and Savi were already by the car. They're giving me space, giving us space.

Because this is it. I have to leave.

This is goodbye.

Ynigo, Florissa, Vashnee, and Ciqa stand in front of me, their faces were unreadable. Hindi ko alam kung iniisip ba nilang ito na ang huling beses naming magkikita, or kung umaasa pa silang babalik ako.

I don't know either. Parang kailan lang noong mga wala kaming tulog dahil sa presswork... noong ang pinoproblema lang namin ay iyong hindi gumaganang printer.

"I guess this is it," I said, trying to force a smile.

Umiling si Ynigo. "Hindi ka na talaga mapipigilan? I still think this is a bad idea, Rayne. "

I let out a breathless laugh. "I know... bakit? Pipigilan mo ba ko?"

Umiling siya, he chuckled but its a sad because it didn't reached his chinky eyes.

Florissa sighed. "Aalis ka na talaga?" Hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala.

I smiled. "I'm sorry... I can't stay," I admit.

Vashnee, who hasn't spoken much, suddenly steps forward then pulls me into a tight hug. "Babalikan mo kami, Rayne. Iintayin ka namin." I was a command rather than a request.

I stiffen for a second before melting into it, burying my face into her shoulder. Then Florissa crashes into us, then Ynigo, then Ciqa—until we're a tangled.

I squeeze my eyes shut.

This... this is my family—the one I found—no they found me. They found me burried on news articles, offered me a warm coffee, and a home.

God, I don't want to leave them. But I have to...

When we finally pull away, my eyes are burning with tears. Ciqa sniffs beside me, shaking her head. "Mamimiss kita, Rayne."

I swallow. "I'll miss you guys more."

No one said anything after.

A voice called out from the car—si Tita Linda, telling me it's time to go.

"I quit guys!" I said, teasing them but this time it isn't an inside joke anymore.

They nod but nobody moves. Nagsimula na akong humakbang papalayo. I take a step back. Then another. Then another. Until I finally turn around and walk away.

The car hums softly as we drive away. I stare out the window, watching the city shrink behind me. The buildings blur, the streets of Mystown fades, and with every mile, the province of Zemira feels more and more like a past life.

Ang tagal kong inisip o pinaniwala ang sarili ko that people always leave.

Jace left. My mom left. Si Itay. One way or another, they always go.

And for so long, I told myself that I hated it—being the one left behind. Being the one who had to pick up the pieces, to live with the silence of their absence, to figure out how to breathe in a world that suddenly had holes in it.

I hated it. I hated that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how tightly you hold on, they'd still go. That once the rain stops, once the storm settles, people always pick themselves up and move forward—without you.

That's what I always believed. That's why I never let myself rely on anyone. That's why I never let myself get too attached and pushed people away before they could do the same to me because in the end, they were always going to leave.

But now, as I watch the streets blur past me, as I sit in this car with nothing left but the life I have yet to figure out, I realize—

People don't leave just to disappear.

They leave because they have to grow or go somewhere. Because no one can stay in the same old storm forever. No matter how much it hurt, no matter how much you wanted things to stay the same, life doesn't stop for anyone.

What comes after the rain... is maybe not the absence of people... not the hollow silence of an empty space but a chance to finally move forward.

A chance to stand again, even when the ground still feels unsteady. A chance to breathe again, even when the air still tastes like yesterday's storm. A chance to figure out where you're supposed to go, even if you're still lost.

You are not meant to stay in the rain forever.

Muli akong lumingon sa pinanggalingan namin. I watched as the sky shifts above me. The clouds are still messy, scattered with streaks of color.

Rainbow clouds.

It's not the kind people take pictures of. These ones are messy, scattered, barely holding their form. The colors are bleeding into each other, it was like uncertain of where they belong. Like they don't know what they're supposed to be yet or still figuring it out.

Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga. My breath fogged up the glass. For a second, just a second, I can almost see him.

Not the way I remember him in those last moments. Not the version of him that I held onto for so long. But him—my bestfriend.

Nakangiti, like he's finally at peace and telling me it's okay to go. Like he's sure that I'll be okay.

A lump forms in my throat. I press my fingers against the cold glass of the window, watching as the rainbow clouds shift and fade.

The rain has finally stopped.

But still, I hope to see a rainbow... again.

***