CHAPTER 3 - RAYS OF HOPE

THE NEXT MONTH came, and it became busier than the usual September.

"Vash... I can't go."

Vash looked at me with disappointment written all over her face. "Kailangang kailangan ka namin doon, Rayne. You are one of our editors. Kailangang kumpleto tayo."

We are currently in TVOA's office. Katatapos ko lamang mag-cover ng event para sa gender and development. Inaayos ko ang ilang mga file na nasa shelf for editing nang lapitan ako ni Vash.

I heaved a deep sigh and shook my head at her.

"Wala kasing maiiwan kay Papa, Vash. Alam mo naman ang sitwasyon sa bahay," I said with a pleading voice. Kamuntik ko na ring paniwalaan ang aking sarili na iyon nga ang dahilan kaya hindi ako makakasama sa OSSEI. OSSEI stands for Organization of Student Services Educators, Inc. They organize national conference on campus journalism every year. Isa ang TVOA sa naimbitahang lumahok.

"I suggest, bring Tiffany. Siya ang pinakamalaki ang potensyal sa lahat ng trainee," I added. Tiffany was one of my trainees. "Ako na lang ang magko-cover ng department week ng BSIT para makabawi naman."

Vash's expression softened as she understood the situation. "Oh, I see. Well, family always comes first, Rayne," she said, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Pero kung magbago ang isip mo, sabihan mo lang kaagad ako. Ipagre-register pa rin kita ng slot," anito.

Tumango lang ako kahit alam ko namang hindi talaga ako makakasama. "Pasensya talaga, Vash."

Vash smiled at me even though it was forced. Vash always wanted us to be compete as a whole team. Ayaw na ayaw nitong may naiiwan sa 'min kaya hindi ko pa rin maiwasang makonsensya.

Naihilamos ko na lang ang aking palad sa mukha dala ng prustrasyon. Kung magpapakatotoo ako, gusto ko naman talagang dumalo sa national conference na iyon. I also wanted to participate, but if it means I have to be with them, surrounded by them all the time, huwag na lang.

I know myself better than anyone. I get too attached to people fast. Knowing TVOA, especially Vash, they are good people. They have the same vibes I was looking for in a friend. Kaya't hangga't kaya ko, pipiliin kong huwag mapalapit sa kanila. Scholarship ang ipinunta ko rito at hindi ang pakikipagkaibigan.

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I stepped behind the counter of the coffee shop and began to prepare the drink the customer had ordered. It was a busy morning, and the sound of the coffee grinder and milk steamer was almost deafening.

After a few minutes, I handed the customer their drink with a smile. "Here's your caramel latte," I said cheerfully.

"Thank you," the customer replied, handing me some cash.

I nearly cringe because of my high pitch, sweet voice. Nang tuluyan nang makalabas sa coffee shop na pinatatrabahuhan ko ang pinakahuling customer namin ngayong araw ay nakahinga ako nang maluwag.

Sa wakas ay natapos na rin ang napakahaba kong shift. Tinulak ko ang upuan na inalisan noong makatipan kanina saka ipinasok sa ilalim ng table. Naglakad ako papunta sa glass door at pinalitan iyon ng karatula na, 'sorry we're closed.' Inayos ko ang lavatory, niligpit ang mga maruming kagamitan at saka naglampaso ng sahig. Gabi-gabi ay ito na ang nakaugalian kong gawin.

Pagkatapos ng eight to five kong klase sa school ay diresto na kaagad ako rito sa Gaiah's Cafe na pagmamay-ari ng mga Escajeda. Proyekto ito ni Mayor Ynares para mabigyan ng trabaho ang mga kagaya kong working student dito sa Mystown. Hindi sana ako makakasama ngunit dahil dating nakakasama ni Tatay si Mayor sa sabungan ay nagawan niya ng paraan. Kahit papaano ay nakatulong ito sa panggastos at baon ko sa school.

Tila nga pabagal nang pabagal ang bawat takbo ng oras dahil nakasanayan ko na. Papasok nang maaga sa school, kapag may bakanteng oras tatambay naman sa office ng TVOA at kapag oras na ng shift, sa coffee shop naman ang diretso ko.

Plain and boring.

Hindi ko na rin alam kung bakit pa nga ba ako gumigising para magpatuloy. It was like a loop and even if it wasn't the same day that passes by, still, nothing changed. Paulit-ulit at nakasasawa.

After closing the last door in the shop, I grabbed my umbrella and started to walk to the nearest waiting shed. Pasado alas-nwebe na ng gabi. Tumila na ang ulan ngunit basa pa rin ang daan. Kakaunti lamang ang mga dumadaan na sasakyan, karamihan dito ay mga service ng mga estudyante sa katabing school ng coffee shop na pinagtatrabahuhan ko.

Kapag ganitong oras at maulan, bibihira na lamang ang mga pumaparadang tricycle sa terminal. Madalas ay hirap akong humanap ng masasakyan dahil masyadong malayo sa bayan ang coffee shop na pinagtatrabahuhan ko. It was near Sta. Cruz College. Iyon siguro ang dahilan kaya roon napili ni Mayor na magpatayo ng shop. Para sa mga estudyante. Liblib man, pero unti-unti nilang ginagawang commercial lot.

Sinalpak ko muna ang earphones para makinig ng music habang naghihintay. A random song from Secondhand Serenade played. If I'm not mistaken, the title was Stranger.

The first five minutes of waiting in the shed were peaceful, but after a few seconds, I heard a rustle. Mabilis na kumabog ang dibdib ko dahil madilim ang parte ng waiting shed kung nasaan ako. Nasa parteng mapuno at walang kabahayan.

At first, I ignored it, but when the rustling grew louder, I lowered the volume on my cellphone. The rustling was coming from the nearby woods, causing my heart to beat faster. I prayed that a tricycle would arrive soon. It was reported that many people had died in this area at night. They were supposedly attacked by a cult living in the woods, and women were being raped.

I held my cell phone tightly. While I was tired of the monotony of my life, I never asked for this kind of twist. I didn't want to die as a victim of some cult or anything like that. I preferred to die peacefully.

Handa na akong tumakbo nang mas lumapit pa sa ang kaluskos ngunit natigilan ako sa nakita.

"Pusang gala naman, eh!" Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib at hinahabol ang hininga habang nakatingin sa kulay itim na kuting. Basang-basa ito ng ulan at sobrang payat.

Mabilis kong inilagay sa bag ang earphones at cellphone saka naupo para pantayan ito.

"Hi, mingming!" Hinaplos ko ang balahibo niya at sa halip na matakot ay kiniskis pa niya ang ulo sa palad niya.

"Nasaan amo? Mag-isa ka na lang din ba?" I talked to the cat as if I will get an answer. Mas lalo pa niyang inilapit ang sarili sa 'kin.

Halos maitapon ko ito nang may taong lumabas sa pinanggalingan ng pusa. I felt my heart racing when I saw him. Muntik na akong atakihin sa kaba.

"What the—" Sapo ko ang dibdib at namilog ang aking mata.

"Uhm, hi?" Nash hesitantly said, biting his lips. May hawak siyang pusa sa magkaparehong kamay, isang kulay orange na may kasamang puti at isang parang tigre ang pattern ng balahibo. His uniform was stained with mud and his shoes were wet.

"Nagulat ba kita?" tanong niya.

Ibinaba ni Nash ang dalawang pusa sa waiting shed, mabilis namang tumakbo ang mga iyon para lumapit ang pusang itim na kanina'y kausap ko. They must be siblings.

Pinagpagan ni Nash ang uniporme niya ngunit mas lalo lamang kumalat ang dumi dahil sa madumi rin ang kamay niya.

Nangunot ang noo ko habang tinititigan ito. "Ano'ng ginagawa mo sa gitna ng gubat?" nagtataka kong tanong.

Nash chuckled and brushed his damp hair up. Nakatingin siya sa mga kuting habang nakangiti. "I saw these three kitties. E tumakbo 'yong dalawa sa gubat. Balita ko, may sawa raw diyan kaya kinuha ko, baka kainin sila," he said while playing with the black one.

Namilog ang mata ko nang ma-realize ang ginawa niya. Wala ba siyang pakialam kung siya naman ang puluputan ng sawang sinasabi niya?

Nash looked at me. Pasimple akong nagkunwaring walang pakialam at tumingin sa malayo. Unti-unti na namang bumubuhos ang ulan kaya nakaramdam ako ng lamig sa simoy ng hangin.

"Ikaw, bakit nandito ka pa? Hinihintay mo boyfriend mo na taga-kabilang school?" May himig ng panunukso sa tanong niya na ikinainis ko.

"Dito 'ko nagpa-part-time," maiksing sagot ko saka naupo para makipaglaro din sa mga pusa.

"Wala ka pang balak umuwi?" he asked again, he also sat to play with the kitties.

Magkalebel na ang aming mukha habang nakikipaglaro sa mga kuting.

"Walang dumadaan na tricycle," I answered.

Napuno ng katahimikan ang paligid. Ang tanging naririnig lamang sa paligid ay ang ingay ng ulan at ng mga kuting. "Saan mo sila planong dalhin?" tanong ko.

Nash petted the black kitten, the first one I saw. "My sister is a vet. She rescues stray cats and dogs. I can bring them to her clinic."

Tumango ako saka may kinuha sa bag. It was a white collar for a cat. Matagal na iyong nakakabit sa bag ko bilang keychain. It was a gift from him—Jace—because he knows how much I wanted to have a cat, but my father despised them, so I chose not to have one.

"May I?" Nagtatakang tumingin si Nash sa 'kin ngunit ibinigay rin ang pusang itim. Sinuot ko iyon sa leeg ng pusa at matamis na ngumiti.

"Can I visit them there?" tanong ko habang nilalaro ang leeg ng itim na pusa. I can't help but smile because of the comfort the cats bring.

Hindi sumagot si Nash kaya nilingon ko siya. He looked at me with a parted mouth.

"P'wede ko ba silang bisitahin?" I asked him again. Mariin pa rin itong nakatitig sa akin. Ngumuso ako saka tinaasan siya ng kilay. Saka lamang siya umiwas ng tingin nang kalmutin siya ng orange na pusa.

"Aray naman!" He winced. Napahawak siya sa kamay kung saan may kalmot. He licked his lower lip then looked at me again. Nangunot ang noo ko nang makita ang namumula niyang tainga.

"Ano ulit tanong mo?" he asked, then looked away.

Tumayo na ako habang buhat ang itim na pusa. "Sabi ko kung p'wede ko silang bisitahin."

Naramdaman ko sa gilid ang pagtayo rin ni Nash habang hawak ang dalawang pusa. "Oo naman. You can always come."

We both stared at the front gate of Sta. Cruz College. It was awkward because of the silence but also comforting because of the sound of the pouring rain and the warmth of the black cat in my arms.

"Mukhang wala ng balak tumila ang ulan. Wala na ring nadaan na tricycle. Baka gusto mong sumabay?" Nash offered that broke the silence. "Wala rin kasing maghahawak sa mga pusa," he added.

Sandali ko siyang tinitigan. Head to foot. Nash isn't a stranger to me. He was just offering a ride, not friendship. This thing doesn't mean a thing. Kinumbinsi ko muna ang sarili na wala lang iyon at nagmamalasakit lamang bago tumango.

"Okay," maiksi kong sagot. Wala rin naman akong magagawa. Tunay na lumalalim na ang gabi at mukhang wala talagang balak tumila ang ulan.

Ibinaba ni Nash ang hawak na pusa saka tumingin sa akin. "I'll just get my motorcycle," he said then ran in the pouring rain.

Ilang minuto lamang ang nakalipas ay may pumaradang Aerox sa harapan ko. Bumaba siya roon at may kinuhang kapote sa loob ng comparment niya.

"Use this." Tumango na lang ako saka sinuot iyon. May inabot rin siyang malaking drawstring bag na galing din sa compartment. He placed the three cats inside then gave it to me, wide open.

"Sakay na."

I did what he said and hopped on the motorcycle. Nasa pagitan namin ang bag ng mga pusa habang nakapaloob sa rain coat para hindi mabasa. I held onto Nash's shoulder as he drove off the street. Makalipas ang mahigit sampung minuto ay tumigil kami sa isang animal clinic.

Bumaba ako at saka inilabas sa bag ang mga pusa. Binuhat ni Nash ang dalawa samantalang kinuha naman ko naman ang kulay itim na pusa. Sumunod ako nang pumasok siya sa loob.

Sinalubong ako ng minimalist na interior. Kulay puti ang loob ng clinic at may iilang frames kung saan may naka-display na mga pusa. There are small rooms divided by curtains. May ilang pusa ang nakaswero habang tahimik na natutulog.

May babaeng nakasuot ng scrub suit ang nagbabantay sa isang husky na nakaswero at mukhang masama ang lagay. Hindi noon napansin ang pagpasok namin. Sa halip, isang lalaking mukhang kasing-edad noong babae ang sumalubong sa amin. He ran his fingers through his hair and fixed his glasses before welcoming us.

"Yvonne, si Nash, may dala na namang pusa," the guy said, which made the girl focus on them.

The girl flashed a stoic, cold stare at Nash and then smiled at me. Hindi ko alam kung ako lang ba ngunit parang bumigat ang atmosphere sa piligid dahil doon. The way Nash's sister looked at him was telling me there was something strange. Hindi ko maipaliwanag ngunit may iba sa tingin nito. It looks like she despises him.

Lumapit ito sa akin at nakipagkamay. "Hi, I'm Yvonne Cadogan. The owner of this animal clinic. Si Ibarra na muna ang bahala sa inyo, ha. I have a patient husky that needs treatment," magalang nitong sinabi saka sa nagpaalam.

"Kuya, ikaw na ang bahala sa kanila," malamig na sinabi ni Nash.

Ramdam ko ang biglaang pagbabago ng aura niya. He was always carefree. He smiles a lot. He's always joyful as if he doesn't have any problems. It's one of the things that I hate about him. His positive vibe. Lalong-lalo na kapag nasa TVOA kami.

Ngayon ko lamang siya nakitang malamig ang ekspresyon ng mukha.

"Wait, ano'ng pangalan nila?" The guy with the glasses named Marcus asked.

Nash looked at me and his aura instantly changed. He gave me an assuring smile. "Ikaw na magpangalan." Ramdam ko ang lungkot sa boses niya.

Tumango ako at hindi na nakipag-away pa. Lumapit ako sa mga pusa. Kinuha ko ang kulay orange na pusa. "She's a girl. How 'bout Avy?" Tumango ang dalawa. Kinuha ko rin ang parang tigre ang pattern ng balahibo. "This one is a boy. His name is Ace."

Pinakahuli kong kinuha ha ang itim na pusa na nilagyan ko kanina ng collar. Dinilaan nito ang kamay ko habang maamong nakatingin sa akin. Damn! I want to take him home.

"His name is Dill," I said and petted him.

I heard small laughs from the guy named Marcus. Nakangisi ito kay Nash na ngayon ay nakasimangot.

"The cat was named after you, bro."

Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko nang ma-realize ang sinasabi nito. Right! His second name is Dillon.

"No offense!" mabilis kong sinabi. "You can change it if you want."

Nash just chuckled and shook his head. "It's okay. We'll call him Dill."

Matapos namin pangalanan ang mga pusa ay kinuha na sila ni Marcus para patuyuin at bigyan ng matutulugan. Nauna akong lumabas at sumunod naman si Nash.

Tumila na ang ulan sa labas ngunit pinilit pa rin ako ni Nash na ihatid.

"Just count it as thanks for holding the cats."

Sa huli ay wala rin akong nagawa. Nang makababa ako sa motorsiklo niya ay isang tipid na ngiti ang pinakawalan ko. "Salamat."

Tumango lamang ito at muling binuhay ang makina. Akala ko ay aalis na ito ngunit muli niya akong tinawag.

"Rayne!" Napakunot ang noo ko dahil doon. "Did you know that my second name means rainbow?" aniya saka tuluyan nang pinaandar ang motorsiklo.

Wala sa sariling pumasok ako sa kwarto at binuksan ang data ng cellphone ko. I searched for the name Dillon and to my surprise, it was an Irish name meaning ray of hope.

Rainbow.

Hindi ko alam ngunit napangiti ako. It was funny how I was named after the rain, and he was named after the rainbow.

Kinabukasan, maaga akong pumasok sa school. I needed to go to TVOA to print my assignment for PE—nakalimutan ko kasi kahapon dahil sa nangyari kinagabihan.

I was about to open the door when I heard voices inside. I froze, my hand hovering over the knob.

"Rayne has a chance because of her potential, but her lack of participation in activities like this might hinder that."

Rinig na rinig ko ang boses ni Ms. Aronzado. My stomach twisted.

"I am considering Nash's application, miss. He was the perfect fit for the job." Si Vash.

My fingers curled into a fist.

"Let's see, Vash. Mahaba pa naman ang buong semester para mag-decide, but if Rayne would not consider joining the competition, we can't let her lead. The presence of the EIC is always required in those conferences."

Unti-unti, I stepped back. Then another. My mind was already racing, doing the math—adding up every single thing I lacked, every single reason I wasn't enough.

And before I could hear anything else, I turned and walked away. 

It's not going the way I planned it.

I thought I was in control. I thought as long as I worked hard enough, as long as I did everything right, I'd be safe. But here it was again—that slow, creeping feeling that no matter what I did, I was always a step behind.

That someone else was always the better choice. That Nash was always the perfect choice.

Nasalubong ko siya sa corridor. Papasok siya sa computer lab.

He was standing with that same effortless confidence. His ID hung loosely around his neck, wearing his hoodie like he had everything together all the time.

He smiled and greeted me—like he always did. 

"Oh, aga mo ah," he said, smiling slightly, the corner of his lips quirking up in that familiar, easy way.

Ang dali lang para sa kanya—'yung ganon... always put together, like he was made for this. Parang may kumirot sa loob ko. 

I didn't slow down or look at him. Dire-diretso lang ako papasok sa classroom, pretending I hadn't heard him.

I can't afford to let him too close... baka makita niya kung gaano ako kabasag. I have to build my walls up. I must not let anyone enter.  Sigurado akong iyon ang makasisira sa plano ko.

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