CHAPTER 25 - AFTERMATH

They say storms don't last forever, but nobody talks about the mess they left behind. They talk about rainbows and clear skies as if those are enough to erase the damage. But is it?

Tahimik ang paligid sa likod ng Arrion Hall. Malayo iyon sa ingay ng exhibits at mga tao. Sa tabi ng building ay may isang sycamore tree na nakatayo sa gilid ng pathway. Naroon si Nash at tahimik na naghihintay. Nakasandal sa trunk, nakayuko habang ang mga kamay ay nakasuksok sa bulsa ng slacks niya.

The place was familiar. Dito kami dati nag-photowalk. It looked almost serene before but everything felt different now. The air was heavier, or at least for me.

Halos nagdalawang-isip akong lumapit. Sa bawat pag-ihip ng hangin, ramdam ko ang pananalasa ng bagyong parating pa lang sa buhay ko. I walked forward, forcing my legs to move kahit pakiramdam ko sobrang bigat ng bawat hakbang. Narinig niya ang mga yapak ko, at nag-angat siya ng tingin.

"Rayne," he greeted softly.

I stopped just a few feet away. Bahagya kumunot ang noo niya dahil sa ginawa ko. Maybe he didn't know what I already knew. But I wanted answers, clarity, closure but most of all, I wanted to know why he did what he did.

Humigpit ang kapit ko sa strap ng bag. Isang malakas na ihip ng hangin ang dumaan, tinangay ang mga tuyong dahon mula sa sycamore tree at kumalat sa pagitan namin.

"You wrote it," I asked, coldly. "Didn't you?"

Para siyang natigilan. Nakakunot pa rin ang noon niya. Tila naghihintay sa susunod kong sasabihin. Ilang segundo siyang nanatili lang na nakatingin sa akin, walang imik.

Hinugot ko mula sa bag ang hard copy ng article na nakita ko sa file cabinet, the same one that ruined Jace. The crumpled edges pressed against my trembling fingers as I thrust it against his chest.

"This," I spat, my voice breaking. "You wrote this, Nash. Didn't you?"

Tinanggap niya ang papel. Tuluyan na siyang napatulala doon as if the world had suddenly stopped moving. Nakita ko ang mga kamay niyang bahagyang nanginginig habang tinitingnan ito. His brows furrowed as guilt washed over his face.

"Rayne..." he started weakly, pero hindi ko na hinintay ang kasunod.

"Don't," I snapped, stepping closer. "Don't even think about denying it."

Humigpit ang hawak niya sa papel. "It wasn't supposed to be published," he said, voice low but shaking. His hand trembled as he gestured toward the crumpled paper.

"I wasn't even part of TVOA back then. Someone else found my draft and published it without telling me. I found out too late. Wala na akong nagawa." His voice broke completely.

I laughed bitterly. "Too late?" My chest heaved as anger surged through me. "What do you mean too late? You could've stopped it, Nash. You should've stopped it!"

He clenched his jaw, his knuckles whitening as he tightened his grip on the paper. "I tried—"

"No, you didn't! Those words came from you."" I cut him off. "You let it happen! Pinanood mo habang sinira nun ang buhay ni Jace!"

Gusto kong umiyak. Gusto kong saktan siya. Hindi lang pisikal pero gusto kong maramdaman niya ang nararamdaman kong sakit ngayon. Because it hurts... I can't breathe because it fucking hurts.

Umiling ako, pasimpleng pinunas ang isang butil ng luhang dumaloy sa pisngi ko. "You can say it wasn't meant for anyone to see," I continued, rinig na rinig ko ang panginginig ng boses ko. "Pero kahit anong sabihin mo , Nash, ikaw pa rin ang nagsulat niyan. You chose those words. You made people believe Jace was guilty."

Umiling siya. "That wasn't what I wanted."

He tried to inched our gap pero maagap akong umatras. Kitang-kita ko sa mga mata niya kung paano rumehistro doon ang sakit sa ginawa kong pag-iwas.

"Yes. I wrote it to expose them," he said desperately. "A part of me—" He swallowed hard, Napahinga siya nang malalim, parang pinipilit pakalmahin ang sarili. "A part of me let it happen because I wanted the truth out. The hazing, the abuse, and the people responsible. I wanted all those bastards to pay. But I didn't know it would be published! That it would destroy your friend. God, Rayne... I never wanted that."

For a moment I was hoping he would deny... God, I wished he denied it. But I was right. Hindi niya kayang itanggi dahil yun ang totoo. And that hurts even more... that he thinks Jace was responsible.

I wanted to say something—anything that would make my pain stop. Hurt him with words, the way he used them to destroy my best friend. Pero kahit anong pilit kong buksan ang bibig ko, parang may nakabara sa lalamunan ko. The lump in my throat refused to let me speak

Because it didn't matter. None of it did. Hurt people hurt people, they say. I could scream at him, hurl every accusation, remind him of the life he wrecked with his words—including mine. Pero kahit gaano ko pa siya saktan, hindi mawawala 'yung sakit na iniwan ng ginawa niya.

"It doesn't change what happened," I managed to say, "Wala nang mababago kahit pa sabihin mong hindi dapat lumabas iyon."

"Rayne..." His voice cracked, thick with desperation.

"Jace lost everything, Nash," I whispered, "His friends, his reputation... his future. And you—" napatigil ako para hindi lubusang humagulgol sa harap niya. I bit back my lips. "Ikaw ang nagsulat ng lahat ng 'yon."

"I know," he said hoarsely. "I know what it did to him. What it did to you."

I laughed bitterly as tears stinged my eyes. "No, you don't. Wala kang alam sa sakit na nararamdaman ko." Nanginginig ang boses ko habang pilit kong pinipigilan ang mga luha.

He took a step closer again. This time hindi ko na nagawang humakbang para lumayo. Wala akong lakas.

Nanginginig ang boses niya. "If I could take it back, I would... " suminghap siya, "Rayne, please—I'm sorry. I'm so damn sorry."

Mas lalo lang bumigat sa dibdib ko sa paghingi niya ng tawad.

I can't. I can't forgive him.

Kasi kung papatawarin ko siya... para akong sumasangayon na tama ang ginawa niya. Na mali si Jace. And no apology could ever make me believe otherwise.

"That's the problem," mapait kong napangiti habang nakatingin sa mga mata niya. "You think sorry is enough."

Napatigil siya. "What do you want me to do? Tell me. Please," he begged, his voice breaking. "I'll fix this—I'll do anything."

Mahina man pero ramdam ko ang sakit sa bawat salitang lumabas sa bibig ko pero hindi ko napigilan.

"You can't," I said, "You can't fix this, Nash."

His jaw clenched tightly, at naging mabilis ang paghinga niya, "Rayne... I need you to understand—" His reached for me. "Please," he pleaded.

But I shook my head, stepping back like his touch would burn me. "You lied to me." Halos mabasag ang boses ko. "Ynigo was right. Marami pa akong hindi alam tungkol sa'yo." Muli akong umatras. "I don't even know if I really knew you at all."

He opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came. His eyes were bloodshot, glistening with unshed tears, at kahit hindi siya umiyak, halata ang bigat ng emosyon doon.

His chest rose and fell in uneven breaths, "I wanted to tell you. But I was scared," he whispered.

"Scared of what?" I forced myself to meet his gaze. "Na makita ko kung sino ka talaga?"

"Yes," he said brokenly. "I was so scared you'd see the worst in me. Scared you'd decide it was too much."

He swallowed hard, at tumulo ang unang luha na nakita ko mula sa mga mata niya. His voice was barely a whisper, "And I was right."

My chest clenched painfully parang may kamay na mahigpit na pumipiga sa puso ko. Gusto kong huminga nang maluwag. Gusto kong sabihing naiintidihan ko siya.. pero hindi ko magawa.

"You saw the worst in me," he continued hoarsely "and now... you can't even look at me the same way," punong-puno nang pagsisisi ang boses niya.

I wanted to deny it—to say something that would soften the pain he felt.

Gusto kong sabihin na hindi iyon totoo, na mali siya. Na kaya ko pa rin siyang tingnan tulad ng dati. Gusto kong alisin ang sakit sa mga mata niya na para bang kung magsisinungaling ako, mawawala ang sakit na nararamdaman namin.

Pero hindi ko magawa. Because deep down, I knew he was right.

I couldn't look at him the same way. Not after this.

And God, it hurt to see him like this so broken and desperate, pleading for something I wasn't sure I could give anymore. I felt the guilt and regret in his eyes and for a moment, I wanted to be the person who could save him from that darkness.

But it hurt too. It hurts because how about Jace? His life crumbled because of that one cruel article. The article that Nash wrote.

Now I didn't know whose pain I should carry—Jace's devastation, Nash's regret, or my own brokenness for even caring about either of them.

It felt like my pain didn't matter anymore. Like I had lost the ability to feel for myself, kasi sobrang dami na ng sakit na pinasan ko para sa kanila. I hate now... I was stuck between hating Nash for what he did and aching for him because of how broken he was now.

Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong sabihin, Paano naman ako? Pero kahit 'yun, hindi ko magawa... Even that felt impossible when all I could do was stand there and drown in a storm that wasn't mine to begin with.

Sa mga sumunod na araw matapos ang exhibit, I tried pretending everything was normal. Parang walang nangyari. Sinubukan kong magpanggap na wala lamang iyon.

I tried to continue... to move forward but pain doesn't work that way. Wounds don't heal just because the world decides it's time to move on. May mga sugat na kahit patungan mo ng magagandang alaala, naroon pa rin ang marka. And the pain wouldn't just vanish just because you refused to talk to anyone about it.

Sinubukan kong magpatuloy pero hindi ko magawang harapin si Nash. Hindi ko magawang pumasok sa office. Hindi ko magawang haraping muli ang mundo ko.

"Rayne, okay ka lang ba talaga?" tanong ni Ciqa habang hawak ang Spanish latte na hindi niya pa nagagalaw.

She came here on the coffee shop to check on me. After one week of unanswered calls and vague text replies, nandito siya ngayon naghahanap ng sagot sa tanong na hindi ko kayang sagutin nang totoo.

Isang linggo na rin simula nang hindi ako pumunta sa office. Sa Lunes na ang Black & Maroon Fair pero parang wala akong energy na dumalo doon. Hindi ko kayang magpanggap na normal ang lahat. I suck at lying and pretending.

Tumango lang ako. I forced a smile na alam kong halatang peke. "Oo naman. Sobrang busy lang talaga sa office ni Mrs. Mababangloob kaya hindi ako nakadaan sa office," pagsisinungaling ko.

Pero hindi ko alam kung sino ang niloko ko—si Ciqa ba o ang sarili ko.

She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head slowly. "Rayne..." aniya sa mababang boses. Ramdam ko doon ang pag-aalala niya. "You really think I'm buying that?"

I opened my mouth to respond pero walang lumabas na salita. Kahit anong pilit kong sabihin na okay ako, parang nabulunan ang lalamunan ko sa mga kasinungalingan.

Hindi ako okay. And judging by the look in her eyes, alam din 'yon ni Ciqa.

"Nash told us that you need a break kaya hindi ka makakatulong sa preparations. I really wanted to check on you because you were not responding to any of my calls and messages."

Napakagat ako sa labi, struggling to keep my composure. Kahit anong pilit kong ngumiti, alam kong halata pa rin na hindi iyon totoo.

"I'm sorry," bulong ko.

But even as the words left my lips, guilt gripped my chest.

Isang linggo na akong wala. Isang linggo na umiwas hindi lang kay Nash, kundi pati na rin sa responsibilidad ko sa TVOA. Naiwan ko sila sa gitna ng pinakamalaking event ng taon. As the associate editor, I had responsibilities I'd blatantly neglected dahil sa pag-iwas ko sa kanya. Kahit galit ako sa kanya, hindi iyon patas sa kanila.

I was selfish. Instead of facing my problems, pinili kong tumakas, thinking that it would make things easier. But it didn't. Hindi nawala ang sakit. Hindi rin nagbago ang katotohanan.

"I'm sorry, Ciqa. Iniwan ko kayo," bulong ko. "I just... I need time."

Ciqa reached for my hand, squeezing it gently. "Okay lang, Rayne," she said softly. "Pero sana bumalik ka na. Sa Monday na ang fair. Kailangan ka namin. Okay na lahat ng preparations. But we need your presence there, Rayne."

Hindi ako nakasagot agad. Some wounds needed time—not just to heal, but to find the strength to even acknowledge they existed. But life didn't stop just because you were hurt.

Hindi pwedeng tumigil ang mundo ko just because I couldn't face Nash. This wasn't about me anymore.

The Black & Maroon Fair was more than just an event. It was something we'd all worked so hard for. This was for the TVOA, for everyone who had put their hearts into this.

"I'll go," I whispered, "Sa Black & Maroon Fair. Promise."

Ciqa's face lit up. "I'll wait for you there, Rayne."

Pagkatapos ng shift ko sa coffee shop, I went home.

Pagbukas ko ng pinto, bumungad agad ang gulo ng apartment ko. Nakakalat pa rin ang mga papel sa lamesa... iyong mga articles na nakuha ko mula sa archive. Sa tabi nito, may ilang basong hindi ko nahugasan, lumang mga sachet ng instant coffee, at mga balot ng crackers na hindi ko natapos kainin.

I stood there for a moment, staring blankly at the mess. Dati, hindi ko matitiis ang ganitong kalat. Pero ngayon, hindi ko na maalala kung paano nagsimula ang ganitong kagulo.

Napabuntong-hininga na lamang ako pero kahit paghinga parang nakakapagod na. Binagsak ko ang sarili sa sofa at walang buhay na sinandal ang ulo sa likod noon. Kumalam ang sikmura ko pero hindi ko rin naman mapilit ang sarili kong tumayo para kumuha ng pagkain.

Gano'n rin kahapon. At noong isang araw.

I wanted to eat but the thought of preparing and cleaning afterward felt exhausting. I wanted to clean up but my body felt like it was glued to the sofa.

Lumipat ang tingin ko sa lamesa kung saan nakakalat ang daan-daang articles about the incident that destroyed Jace.

Kinuha ko ang isa doon at muling naalala ang sinabi ni Nash.

"This was just a requirement. It wasn't supposed to be published. Someone else found my draft and published it without telling me."

If that was true, then who published it? Sino ang naglabas ng column na iyon kung hindi si Nash?

Lumipat ang tingin ko sa isang pangalan na nakasulat sa sticky note na dilaw.

Madelle Lacson. TVOA Editori-in-Chief 2020.

Siya ang editor-in-chief noon. Kung may makakasagot ng tanong ko, siya iyon. But where the hell could I even find her now?