CHAPTER 22 - GOLDEN HOUR

Everything felt surprisingly calm. Hindi maulan. Hindi rin ganoon kalamig ang klima kahit na unang buwan ng taon. 

Sa totoo lang, nakakapanibago ang katahimikan ng buhay ko ngayon. Pagkatapos ng lahat nang gulong nangyari noong nakaraang taon, hindi ko inaasahang magiging maayos ang pagpasok ng taong ito sa akin.

Isang linggo na lamang ay magsisimula na naman ang pasukan. Kahit pa next week pa iyon, bilang student assistant, kinakailangan kong pumasok sa office ni Mrs. Mababangloob para iassist siya sa paghahanda niya sa start of classes.

Sumilay ang matipid na ngiti ko nang makita ang iniwan niyang cheesecake at hot coffee sa table na ibinigay niya para sa akin upang doon ako tuwing may mga paper works na kailangan tapusin. Mrs. Mababangloob is one of the few surprises of life for me. Her personality maybe fiercefull but she is also warm. At napatunayan ko iyon sa mga simple pagtulong niya sa akin.

Maingat kong inilagay ang mga paperworks na tapos ko nang gawin. Mga narrative iyon na pinacheck niya for grammars, bagay na sanay na sanay naman akong gawin kaya mabilis ko ring natapos. Wala siya dahil may meeting na naman ang Student Councils para sa opening ng school. Bumalik ako sa table ko saka kinuha ang coffee at cheesecake saka tuluyan nang lumabas ng office niya.

Dumiretso ako sa office ng TVOA para magmeryenda. Nakaupo si Ciqa sa common table, at sa tabi niya, si Ynigo, tulog na tulog. She gestured me to be quiet, pero tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Kailan ba ako naging maingay?

Pinatong ko muna ang mga gamit ko sa table ko, saka naupo sa harapan niya. Nakakunot ang noo niya, at parang abala siya sa laptop niya, tinitingnan ang mga larawan nang isa-isa.

"Rayne... ano kaya ang pwede kong gawin?" tanong niya sa mahinang boses, siguro dahil natutulog pa si Ynigo sa tabi niya.

"Para saan ba yan?" I asked, medyo curious.

"Sa folio. Kulang pa kasi yung mga pictures. I haven't finalized it kasi may mga parts na wala pang photos. Ayoko namang ibigay pa kay Ygo yung pages. Kasi supposedly, hati dapat kami sa mga key visuals, diba? Nadagdagan na yung sketches niya dahil sa akin. Ayoko namang dagdagan pa ulit kasi baka maburnout na 'to." Natawa siya ng kaunti at tiningnan si Ynigo.

Kung titignan mo sila, mukha lang silang normal na magkaibigan, pero sa tuwing nakikita ko kung paano mag-alala si Ciqa para kay Ynigo, parang may kulang na hindi ko maipaliwanag. Hindi ko na alam kung yun ba'y dahil sa pagiging magkaibigan lang talaga nila o may iba pang nararamdaman si Ciqa na hindi pa niya kayang aminin.

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay at may sumilay na maliit na ngiti sa labi ko.

"What?" tanong niya, medyo inis, nang mahuli niya akong nakatingin sa paraan ng pagtitig niya kay Ynigo.

Makahulugan ko siyang tinitigan at ngumuso kay Ynigo, na hanggang ngayon ay tulog pa. "Wala talaga?" I teased her. Kilala niya na ako, kaya alam niyang may itinatagong pang-asar sa tono ko. "I mean, I won't blame you if you catch feelings for him."

"Kilabutan ka nga, Rayne." Inirapan niya ako, hindi ko alam kung dahil sa biro ko o dahil sa totoong nararamdaman niya. "Kung anu-ano na naman yang nasa isip mo."

"Relax," I chuckled. "I'm just asking." Pero hindi pa rin mawala sa labi ko ang ngiti.

Pero biglang nagbago ang ekspresyon ng mukha ni Ciqa. Mula sa pagiging defensive, naging malungkot na parang may nararamdaman siyang hindi kayang sabihin.

"May gusto daw yan na ka-blockmate niya."

Namilog ang mata ko sa sinabi niya, at hindi ko maiwasang silipin si Ynigo. Tulog pa rin siya, kaya tinanong ko ulit si Ciqa kung totoo nga 'yun.

"Di nga?" I asked, making sure. Tumango siya, at muling binaling ang tingin sa laptop niya.

"Eh, bakit parang hindi ka naman masaya para d'yan sa 'bestfriend' mo?" I said, emphasizing the word bestfriend, just to tease her more.

She shrugged pero may konting lungkot sa mata niya. "I'm happy for him. Huwag lang sana siya masaktan ulit. Narinig ko kay Nash, may gustong iba daw yung gusto niya eh."

My mouth formed an 'o', still processing what she said. "Yun lang. Kaawang Ynigo. Di agad papasa," I muttered. "Pero seriously... you and him, wala talaga?" I pressed, hoping she'd admit something more.

Muling tumingin si Ciqa kay Ynigo, at doon ko nakita ang ibang emosyon sa mga mata niya. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng tingin na 'yun, pero may kalungkutan. Kung didenay niya, okay lang.

Ngunit bago ko pa siya mapilit magsalita, pumasok sa isip ko si Jabez, ang crush ni Ciqa sa engineering.

"How 'bout Jabez?" hindi ko na napigilang itanong.

Bago pa siya makasagot, halos magulat ako nang biglang tumayo si Ynigo. Mapungay ang mga mata niya, dahil kagigising lang. Lumingon muna siya sa paligid parang may hinahanap. Huminto ang tingin niya kay Ciqa.

"Wala pa rin si Nash?" he asked. Lumapit na siya sa table niya at nagsimulang ayusin ang gamit niya. 

"May meeting pa with Student Affairs," I answered.

"Mauna na ko umuwi," paalam niya, hindi na tiningnan si Ciqa. Tumango na lang ako.

Paglabas ni Ynigo, ramdam ko ang biglang pagbabago ng ihip ng hangin. Parang bumigat iyon dahil sa muling katahimikan.

Anyare dun? Takot sa sagot?

Hindi ko pa natatapos ang iniisip nang magsalita si Ciqa. Tumingin siya sa akin, at naramdaman ko ang lungkot sa kanyang mata.

"Si Jabez?" panimula niya at may halong pag-iwas sa kanyang boses, "nag-ask siya sa akin to be his girlfriend."

Napasinghap ako sa sinabi niya. Hindi ko inasahan iyon. "For real?" I repeated, just to be sure.

Ciqa nodded slowly, isang malalim na buntong-hininga. "Oo. Sa department namin, sa CIT quad. Hindi ko talaga alam kung anong nangyari, pero in front of everyone, nagtanong siya. I don't know if its just me pero... hindi ko matanggap yung ganung klase ng confession. He didn't even ask if he can court me. Girlfriend kaagad."

"Madaming tao?" I asked, knowing that might be what bothered her the most.

"Yeah. Even Nash and Ygo were there," she whispered, her hands fidgeting with the edge of her laptop. "Hindi ko kaya yung ganoong public confession. Siguro kung kami lang, okay lang, but in front of everyone? I didn't know how to react, how to reject him."

I could sense that even though she liked Jabez in a certain way, it wasn't something serious. Maybe for her, it was more of something light, something fun. But not romantic, not really.

"E di ano, what happened?" I probed, not able to hide the curiosity in my voice. "Sinagot mo ba siya?"

Ciqa looked at me for a moment, then slowly nodded. "Yeah, but because I didn't know how to decline him. I messaged him yesterday about that. Kung pwede ba naming pag-usapan... It's just that I really can't reject him that day. Yes, crush ko siya. Pero... for kilig lang. Nothing more than that. I never saw it as anything serious."

As she said that, I couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't just Jabez that was on her mind. "Baka may gusto kang iba?" I asked, carefully, a little teasing. She know exactly who I was refering to.

She froze for a moment, then sighed, looking away. She was silent for a long while.

"I don't know..." she said frustratingly, her voice trailing off as if she was unsure whether she wanted to admit what was starting to bother her. "Actually... Okay, I admit. I started noticing Ynigo."

I blinked. Hindi na ako nagulat doon. Pero ang nakakagulat ay ang amin niya iyon sa akin.  "Si Ynigo natin 'to ha?" I repeated, still just want to make sure kasi baka mali ang nabanggit niyang pangalan.

"Yes," she said, almost in a whisper, her gaze shifted to where Ynigo had been moments ago. "Hindi ko naman siya tinitingnan like that before, pero lately, I don't know... may mga moments na I just couldn't help but notice him. I mean... he's always been there, but I think something's changed."

Ramdam ko ang pag-aalinlangan niyang mag-open up. Maybe because this feeling is still unreal for her because she sounds too afraid of something—maybe of realizing too late what she truly felt. Bago pa ako makapagtanong ulit, pinagpatuloy na niya ang pagkukwento.

"But then ayun na nga. I overheard Nash and Ygo talking once..."

Ciqa still hesitated, clearly unsure of how to finish her sentence. "Nash said that he likes someone in our block. I don't know... I wasn't sure who he meant."

Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti ng bahagya. She didn't know but I knew exactly who Ynigo was talking about. Of course, her. Sa paraan pa lang nang pagtingin ni Ynigo sa kaniya, the sutble shift in his voice when he was talking to her, and the way he simply care about her? It was too obvious. Everyone else could notice. Seriously, it was impossible not to. Except them. Kaya ko nga siya pabirong tinatanong minsan. 

"Pero... it didn't make sense. He didn't say who."

I just stared at her, a little surprised by the irony of it all. But as much as I want to tell her what I notice some things are better left for people to figure out on their own.

"So, may gustong iba pala si Ynigo." I said, watching her expression closely. "I'll ask him nga sometimes, curious ako who's the lucky girl. Ang gentleman pa naman tingnan ni Ygo, I mean he is. Mukha siyang amoy baby powder palagi, eh."

Ciqa nodded absently, lost in thought. Mas lalo tuloy akong natawa. 

Nakatulala lang kasi siya. She was just staring at the spot where Ynigo had been. Her face says it all. The confusion and frustration.

After that talk with Ciqa, I agreed to help her take photos for the folio. Kahit na medyo last-minute, gusto ko na rin siyang tulungan. Kakausapin ko na lang siguro si Nash para mag-submit ng photos. I know he has a passion for photography too. Papayag naman siguro siya?

That night, I messaged him about Ciqa's problem. Simple lang naman ang plano—sabihin na mag-submit na siya ng existing shots para hindi na kami mahirapan. Pero syempre, Nash being the 'EIC Nash', hindi pwedeng simple. 

That is something I notice about him. He wants perfection. When he checks Ciqa's submission of photos for the tabloid, he's always chasing perfection, like every shot has to tell a story, not just fill a page. Parang mas concern pa nga siya doon kaya sa news write ups. Ganoon siya ka-passionate about photography (photojournalism).

"Pwede naman ako mag-submit," he said, "pero mas maganda ata kung photo walk tayo para aligned sa theme ng folio? Tingin mo?"

Napataas ang kilay ko habang binabasa ang message niya. Seriously? Photo walk?

"So kelangan pa talaga ng field trip para lang makapag-submit ka?" I replied, half-laughing.

I rolled my eyes, grinning despite myself. Kaya nga heto kami ngayon nasa likod ng Arrion, hawak ang camera. After class, hinila na lang niya ako bigla, saying it was golden hour and we couldn't waste it.

Akala ko group effort. I was fully expecting na kasama ang buong TVOA, yung tipong sabay-sabay kaming magkaklase, bawat isa may hawak na camera or phone. Pero hindi. Ako lang pala.

"You didn't tell anyone else?" tanong ko, one brow raised as I adjusted the strap of my camera.

"Bakit? Hindi ba puwede tayong dalawa lang?" sagot niya casually, habang nag-aayos ng lens.

I tried to play it cool, even though my pulse betrayed me. Is this a photowalk or... something else?

"Baka sabihin nila, biased ka," I teased, smirking. "Ako lang ang na-invite sa Nash Cadogan Masterclass."

He snorted softly but didn't look up. Nang matapos na siya ay tinitigan lang niya ako habang inaayos ko yung camera.

"Hindi ka pa rin komportable hawakan yan, no?" he teased, glancing over his shoulder.

I adjusted the strap, "Kaya ko 'to." Inirapan ko siya. "Basic lang naman, diba? Click, click, tapos na."

He chuckled when he heard the sarcasm. "Kaya mo yan, basta huwag mong takutin yung camera," he teased, glancing at the way I awkwardly adjusted the strap on my borrowed DSLR.

"Ha-ha. Nakakatawa, Nash," I muttered, pretending to roll my eyes. "Just wait. Baka mas maganda pa kuha ko kesa sa 'yo."

He tilted his head toward a line of trees as the sun dipped lower on the horizon. "Tara. Mas maganda 'yung shadows dun."

For the past hour, we'd been strolling through the campus and stopping now and then for "the shot," as Nash called it. He was patient with me, guiding me on framing and lighting, kahit halatang natatawa siya kapag wala akong maayos na kuha.

"Okay, ganito. Try mo 'tong leaves na 'to," he said, crouching to point at the low-hanging branches of a tree. The light caught the edges just right, creating a soft glow.

I crouched beside him, aiming my lens. "Ganito?"

"Almost," he said, leaning closer. His hand brushed against mine as he adjusted the angle of the camera. "There. Now, focus. Hanapin mo yung tamang balance ng light at shadow."

I clicked the shutter, glancing at the preview. It wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad either. "Huh. Pwede na?"

"Pwede na," he said with a small laugh. "Pero subukan mo pa rin ulit. Patience is key. Try to let the light guide you. Don't force it to be perfect. Just let it... happen."

I raised the camera, trying to remember the basics he'd been telling me all afternoon. Frame the shot, balance the light, adjust the focus. The camera clicked, and I checked the screen, feeling slightly triumphant.

"Good?" I asked, holding it up for him to see.

He leaned closer as he inspected the shot. "Better," he said, nodding thoughtfully.

We walked further until we reached a small bench under an old mango tree.

"Break muna?" I suggested, nodding toward a nearby cart selling snacks.

"Turon?" he asked, grinning.

I nodded. "Yeah. Wala namang ibang nagbebenta, Nash."

After naming bumili, naupo kami sa pinakamalapit na bench, hati sa isang supot ng mainit na turon habang nag-i-scroll sa mga pictures namin kanina lang.

Napatingin ako sa kanya. Nakakunot na naman ang noo niya habang nakatitig sa screen ng camera niya, halatang focused sa pag-replay ng shots. Classic Nash, laging seryoso kapag nasa creative zone.

Habang abala siya sa pag-checkeck ng mga photos, I don't know if I should ask him what is bothering me weeks ago.

"Nash," I called to get his attention.

He looked up, "Hmm?"

"Pwede magtanong?"

"Sure," he replied, he set his camera aside.

I was still hesitating when he nodded, urging me to go on. "Yung tungkol sa Boston... sa scholarship..."

Bahagyang nawala ang gaan sa kanyang ekspresyon, pero hindi siya umiwas ng tingin. "What about it?"

"Alam ko na tinanggihan mo na," I started, carefully choosing my words. "Pero narinig ko kasi yung mga sinasabi nila. Yung rumors..."

May mga chismis kasi tungkol sa kanya... na ang yabang daw niya dahil hindi niya tinanggap yung offer sa Boston. Karamihan ng mga nagsasalita, mga taga-college nila. Sinasabi nila na naging Editor-in-chief lang siya TVOA, parang ang taas na raw ng tingin niya sa sarili niya para tumanggi sa ganoong klase ng offer dahil lang hindi TVOA ang receiver noong capstone project. Parang ginigiit na lang nila na may mali sa desisyon niya, lalo na't hindi siya pumayag.

Humugot siya ng malalim na buntong hininga. "Rayne," he said gently, shaking his head. "Hayaan mo na sila. Hindi totoo 'yun."

"I know," I said quickly. "But... gusto ko lang malaman. Did you really not want it? Or..." I paused, swallowing the lump in my throat. "Or tinanggihan mo lang dahil sa TVOA? Dahil ayaw mo akong iwan mag-isa dito?"

Hindi siya sumagot kaagad. Nananatili ang katahimikan, pero hinayaan ko lang.

"Kasi kung iyon ang kino-consider mo..." Nagpatuloy ako, marahang iniabot ang kamay ko at ipinatong iyon sa kanyang braso. "Nash, hindi mo kailangang gawin 'yun. Kaya ko. I mean, kaya kong saluhin kung kailangan. Kung ako ang dahilan kaya ka nagho-hold back, mas gugustuhin ko na i-pursue mo 'yung gusto mo. Kasi alam kong mahalaga 'to sa'yo. I want you to go for it."

Saglit siyang natahimik, naiwan ang tingin niya sa kamay kong nakapatong sa kanyang braso. Sa huli, napabuntong-hininga siya at sumandal pabalik sa bangko.

"Rayne... hindi lang talaga ito tungkol sa TVOA, okay? Oo, iniisip ko rin kung kumusta kayo kung wala ako, pero... hindi naman 'yun talaga ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ko ito tinuloy. Gusto ko lang maintindihan mo."

"Pero ano nga yung reason?" I asked gently.

"Pagod na ako," he said simply—and for the first time, I heard it in his voice.

Tumingin siya sa akin, may kung anong emosyon sa mga mata niya na hindi ko maipinta—parang halo ng lungkot, pagod, at isang bagay na hindi ko kayang pangalanan.

Umiling siya nang bahagya, saka iniiwas ang tingin sa'kin, para bang may kung anong bigat na hindi kayang salubungin ang mga mata ko. Tumigil ang tingin niya sa papalubog na araw, tahimik lang habang pinagmamasdan kung paanong dahan-dahang nilalamon ng dilim ang paligid ng Arrion. Ang mga sinag ng araw ay pasimpleng tumatagos sa pagitan ng mga gusali.

Bahagyang nahahagip ng malamlam na liwanag ang gilid ng mukha ni Nash, at doon ko mas napagtantong hindi lang sa boses niya mararamdaman ang pagod, kundi pati sa mga mata niyang nakatingin sa malayo.

"Have you ever felt like..." Huminto siya, bahagyang lumunok na parang may kung anong nakabara sa lalamunan niya, saka muling nagpatuloy. "The things you're good at stop being yours?"

Napatingin ako sa gilid niya, hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong sumagot o hayaan lang siyang magpatuloy. Kaya nanahimik ako.

"Like, you start doing them not because you want to but because people expect you to?" Hinagod niya ng kamay ang batok niya, "People around me think it's this big deal, na ang galing ko, na ang taas ng potential ko. But... ang totoo?" Napangiti siya nang pilit, pero 'yung lungkot sa mata niya hindi maitago. "It's exhausting. It's not even for me anymore. It's for them. Para lang hindi sila madisappoint. Para hindi nila sabihin na nasayang ako."

I didn't know what to say. Siguro dahil parang iyon ang unang beses na nagshare siya ng personal niyang nararamdaman. Hearing him like this... It felt wrong to interrupt.

"I used to think na validation was the goal. Na maganda yung feeling kapag pinupuri ka ng lahat..." Napahinto siya na parang hindi niya rin sigurado kung dapat ba niyang ituloy 'yung sasabihin. Saglit na tumingala saka mababaw na tumawa, iyong tawang alam mong pilit.

"Pero it's not," bulong niya. "It feels like a cage, Rayne. Being like me. Para akong nakakulong sa expectations ng tao."

Mas lalong hindi ko alam kung paano sasagot, kaya nanatili akong tahimik. Minsan kasi, hindi kailangan ng sagot. Kailangan lang nila ng makikinig.

"Anak ng parehong journalist..." Napakagat siya sa labi niya, pinipigilan 'yung panginginig ng boses. "Taon ang ginugol ko para hindi ako mabuhay sa anino nila. Kasi ayokong maramdaman na parang kailangan ko maging kasing galing nila dad. Kasi alam ko namang hindi ko kayang tinutumbasan ang mga nagawa nila."

Pinahid niya 'yung pawis na hindi naman galing sa init. Mas mukhang galing iyon sa pagiging tensyonado niya.

"That's the reason why I didn't apply as a writer but a layout artist."

I could hear fear in his voice. Takot. Takot na hindi siya sapat, kahit na sa totoo lang, hindi naman kailangang sukatin ang sarili mo gamit ang pamantayan ng iba.

"Pero kahit anong gawin ko, kahit humiwalay ako ng karera, kahit hindi sa pagsulat parang mas lalo akong nalulunod sa mga standard na hindi ko kayang abutin. I'm not perfect. I'm not always strong. I need help too sometimes..." Bumigat ang boses niya, bahagyang namamaos na parang pilit iniiwasang mabasag sa sarili niyang mga salita. 

"Pero alam mo, nakakatakot din kasi I made this image of myself... para maging 'Perfect Nash' sa paningin ng iba. Nakakatakot na paano kung magkamali ako o hindi ko mareach yung expectation nila... baka hindi na nila ako makilala."

I didn't know he felt that way. Ramdam ko 'yung kirot sa dibdib ko. Napalunok ako, saka mahinang nagsalita. "Nash... wala kang dapat patunayan sa iba. It's okay to that you're not perfect. You don't always have to be strong and you can ask for help. It doesn't make you less of a human."

Nagkibit-balikat siya pero unti-unting napalitan ng lungkot ang kanyang ngiti.

"Sanay naman na 'ko. You don't really ask for help when you're the one people are depending on." Saglit siyang huminto at humugot ng malalim na hininga. "Hindi mo pwedeng ipakita na pagod ka... takot... o nagkamali... kasi baka sila rin sumuko."

His voice cracked on that last part but he tried to hide it like even his pain didn't deserve space. Like the sun setting without a single person watching. Napatulala ako sa view ng papalubog na araw. 

That felt like a dagger strike straight to my heart. All those times I pushed him away when all he wanted was to help me. Did that hurt him more than I realized? I kept convincing myself I was just protecting my own space, but what about him?

Ano kayang pumapasok sa isip niya habang paulit-ulit kong tinatanggihan ang mga kamay niyang laging nakahanda? Did he think he wasn't enough to help me? Was he silently carrying that battle to stay strong because he thought I might break if he showed weakness?

It made perfectly sense. Kung sinukuan niya ako noong pagod na pagod na ako, baka nga sumuko na rin ako noon. Is that his greatest fear? That if he ever showed weakness, people around him wouldn't be able to hold on. 

And that terrified me... that what kept him going was the fear that he couldn't afford to break and be weak. Maybe he fixed others because he was hoping, just once, someone would notice the pieces of him that were still broken. But I never saw it... never even asked if he was okay. I was too focused on my own cracks to notice his.

I looked at him. "But Nash, what if you're wrong? What if showing you're tired, or scared, and can make mistakes doesn't make them give up, but makes them want to be there for you more?"

I took a deep breath.  "Hindi mo kailangang maging matatag sa lahat ng oras. What if, instead of them falling apart, they'd find strength in knowing that you're not perfect either?"

I held his gaze, refusing to let him look away. "Hindi mo naman kailangang magpanggap na okay ka. You can be tired, make mistakes, scared, or even lost. Hindi kita huhusgahan."

"You can't say that. I made some horrible things too."

His jaw clenched like he wanted to talk more... But he couldn't.

Nagkibit-balikat ako, but I didn't break eye contact. "Okay? And? Sa tingin mo ba, dahil lang doon, hindi ka na pwedeng humingi ng tulong? Mapagod?"

Nash exhaled sharply, looking away. "Rayne—"

"Hindi, seryoso." I leaned closer, making sure he couldn't escape this conversation. 

He rubbed a hand over his face. "You don't get it—"

"Then make me understand."

Natahimik siya.

For the first time since I met him, Nash looked... cornered. Hindi dahil sa inis o galit—pero dahil wala na siyang matakasan.

"Alam mo bang nakakatakot ka minsan?" he muttered, shaking his head. "Parang... ang dali lang para sa'yo."

"Anong madali?"

"Ang hindi ako husgahan." His voice was quiet but firm. "Ang sabihing hindi ka aalis 'pag nalaman mong hindi ako 'yung taong iniisip mo."

I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. "Nash..."

"You say you won't judge me. But what if you'd do?" His fingers clenched into a fist on his lap. "What if makita mo 'yung pinakapangit sa'kin and you decide it's too much? That what I did is something you can't just accept."

My chest ached. This was it. The thing he never said out loud.

"Alam mo kung anong mas nakakatakot?" I asked softly.

He didn't answer.

"Yung iniisip mong hindi ka worth staying for... Bakit hindi mo subukan?" I reached for his hand. This time, I held on tighter. 

"Hindi mo kailangang maging matibay sa lahat ng oras para lang manatili ako. Everyone makes mistakes, Nash. You don't always have to be perfect. Hindi mo kailangang maging magaling para sa lahat. You don't have to keep doing that. Hindi mo kailangang magpaka-perfect. Again if TVOA is holding you back, sabihin mo lang. I'll step up. I mean it. We'll understand you."

He shifted uncomfortably and faced me.

"Rayne, TVOA isn't holding me back. If anything, it's the only place where I feel free. Dito lang ako nakakawala sa expectations ng iba. Dito, I can just... be myself. Kaya nga ako nandito, eh. Kaya hindi ako umalis."

I frowned, not fully understanding at first.

"Boston was everything everyone thought I should be. It was what my sister wanted, what the Arrion expected. It was the next step. But... if I took that, I'd be running away from the one place where I could breathe. TVOA... it's the only place where I'm not trying to live up to someone else's image of who I should be. It's not perfect, but it's me."

He exhaled, like saying those words lifted something off his chest. And I got it now—why he stayed, why he chose this.

Ngumiti ako at tumango. "That's very 'Nash' of you."

His eyes narrowed. "Ano 'yun? Compliment o insulto?"

I bit my lip to keep from laughing. "Not the 'Perfect Nash' ha!" I nudged his arm. "Ang sungit mo today, grabe."

His frown deepened like he was actually taking offense. "Anong dami ko namang version." He muttered the words under his breath, looking like an angry, confused kitten. Ka-cute.

"Oh please," I teased, "You looked like a cat now. Purring for attention." 

His frown softened into something almost mischievous, though he tried to hold onto the pout. "Hindi ako pusa. Stop laughing, Rayne."

I leaned back, crossing my arms, still smiling. "Okay, Mr. 'Perfect Nash na lang," I said, and laugh again.

Ramdam kong malapit na siyang mainis kaya tinigilan ko na. Ha! Pikon.

"Kidding! Just... be yourself, Nash. I'm not going anywhere."

He was quiet for a moment, probably trying to decide whether to stay grumpy or what. Eventually, he gave in, shaking his head with a half-smile.

"Hindi ko na alam kung anong 'Rayne' yung gusto ko. You, this playfull or the masungit one."

By that, ako naman ang sumimangot. He then laugh. "Tara na nga! Baka mamaya kaaway mo na naman ako."

He reached out his hand and took mine, guiding me to the next spot for our photo walk.

***