CHAPTER 19 - AFTER THE STORM

Sinalubong ako ng liwanag na nang gagaling sa bilog na buwan. Ang kalmado noong tingnan pero hindi iyon ramdam ng buong pagkatao ko. Nagsimula akong maglakad patungo sa bus stop. Sobrang bigat na ng dibdib ko. My legs trembled, and for a moment, I thought I wouldn't make it any further.

Grabe yung pagod. Hindi lang ngayong araw pero sa lahat ng araw, sa lahat ng taon na pilit kong pinasan ang lahat nang problema ng pamilya namin nang mag-isa.

I stopped walking and stared blankly at the pavement, unsure of where to go next. My breath came out uneven, my chest is rising and falling like I couldn't get enough air. For a moment, I felt like collapsing right there on the street. Parang buong pagkatao ko ay namamanhid na. Wala na akong maramdaman kundi pagod. All I wanted was to scream, to cry, to let everything out.

And then I saw him. Nash.

Nakatayo siya sa tabi ng motor niya, nakasandal dito na parang kanina pa niya ako hinihintay. Nang magtagpo ang mga mata namin, lumambot ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya, puno iyon ng pag-aalala. Agad siyang tumayo nang tuwid.

"Rayne," mahina niyang sabi. Banayad ang boses niya, halos nag-aalangan, na parang natatakot siyang bigla akong tumakbo palayo. "Sinundan kita kanina—hindi para guluhin ka, pero gusto ko lang siguraduhin na okay ka."

I froze, unable to move or respond. The sight of him—calm, steady, always there—was enough to make my already fragile composure crumble further.

"Umuwi ka na." I managed to whisper, my voice was weak. I hope he didn't noticed.

Hindi siya agad sumagot. Sa halip, lumapit siya ng isa pang hakbang. "Sinundan kita kanina," aniya. "Nakita kitang pumasok sa ospital. Ayokong makialam... kaya dito na lang ako naghintay. Gusto ko lang siguraduhin na ligtas ka. You look—"

Bigla siyang tumigil, kunot-noo na parang hinahanap ang tamang mga salita. "You looked like you needed someone."

Something in me snapped. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa mga sinabi niya, sa presensya niya, o sa matinding pagod na dala ng lahat ng nangyari.

"Bakit?" tanong ko, nanginginig ang mga labi ko. "Bakit lagi mong ginagawa 'to?"

He didn't answer right away. Sa halip, lumapit siya, mabagal at maingat ang bawat galaw, na parang natatakot siyang tumakbo ako. "Because I care... I-I just care," he said simply.

And that was it. That was all it took and everything I'd been holding back came pouring out.

"I don't need anyone," mahina kong sabi habang tuluyan nang bumagsak ang mga luhang kanina ko pa pinipigilan. Nanghina ang tuhod ko, at bago ko pa mapigilan ang sarili ko, napaupo ako ako sa semento,"I don't need... anyone..."

But it was a lie, and we both knew it.

Agad na lumapit si Nash sa tabi ko at lumuhod sa harapan ko. Wala siyang sinabi. He didn't try to comfort me with empty words or tell me everything was going to be okay. Instead, he reached out and gently touched my shoulder.

Napaiyak ako nang tuluyan. Nanginig ang buong katawan ko habang mahigpit na yakap-yakap ang tuhod ko, wala akong magawa para pigilan ang alon ng emosyon na tuluyang bumalot sa akin.

"Pagod na ako," hirap na hirap kong sabi, halos hindi marinig sa pagitan ng mga hikbi ko. "Pagod na pagod na ako... Hindi ko na kaya, Nash. Hindi ko na kaya."

And that was all the permission he needed. Mahigpit niya akong niyakap, hinila ako papalapit sa dibdib niya. His grip was firm and secure, like he was trying to hold me together even as I fell apart.

I buried my face on his shoulder as my tears soaked through his shirt. "Ang hirap-hirap na..."

Mas hinigpitan pa niya ang yakap, ang isang kamay niya ay maingat na nakasapo sa likod ng ulo ko habang ang isa ay nakapatong sa likod ko. Wala siyang sinabi, niyakap niya lang ako, hinayaan akong umiyak sa dibdib niya na parang kaya niyang saluhin lahat ng sakit na dinadala ko.

"Rayne," he murmured finally, his voice was steady but soft. "It's okay. Just let it out. I'm here."

His words broke me even more. Ang huling taong nagsabi sa akin ng ganito... iniwan din ako. I clung to him desperately as if holding on could make him stay—too afraid that he might disappear too.

"Ayoko na, Nash... Ayoko na ng ganito... Ang sakit-sakit na... I hate him... I hate how he always leaves me... Lagi na lang ako mag-isa. Lagi na lang akong iniiwan."

Words spilled out of me like a child finally confessing her deepest fears. "Simula pa noon... Simula noong namatay si Inay... iniwan na rin ako ni Itay kahit andito pa siya. Ang tagal ko siyang hinintay, Nash. Ang tagal... tagal. Pero hindi siya dumating. Kahit kailan hindi siya dumating noong kailangan ko siya!"

I felt Nash's grip tighten around me, but he still said nothing, just letting me speak. "Kahit kailan, hindi niya ako kinumusta. Hindi niya ako tinanong kung kaya ko pa, kung okay pa ako. Wala siyang pakialam... Wala siyang ginawa kundi iwan ako."

His hand gently rubbed my back in slow, soothing circles. His arms around me felt like the only thing keeping me from collapsing completely.

"Hey, hey, Rayne." Bahagya niyang inilayo ang sarili, sapat lang para magtama ang mga mata namin. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa balikat ko. "Nandito pa ako," he said softly, his voice filled with a quiet conviction. "Kahit anong bagyo ang pagdaanan mo, hindi ako aalis. I don't care if I get soaked, if it's hard, or if it takes time. I'm staying. I'll be here—palagi. Kahit ilang beses mo akong itaboy, I'll stay."

I had fought to be strong... to carry everything on my own for so long but now, in his embrace, I let myself be weak. I let myself fall apart. And yet he stayed.

I stared at him for a moment, his figure were blurred because of the tears that filled my eyes. Nagtagal ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Sinusubukan kong alamin kung ano ang iniisip niya, kung bakit nandito pa rin siya.

"Why is it that you're always the one here when I fall apart?"

How could someone like him—someone who could walk away and live his life unburdened—still choose to stay?

My hands trembled at my sides and I hated how small I felt in front of him.

"You shouldn't have to do this," bulong ko. I can't understand why he hasn't left yet. "I'm... I'm not worth it, Nash. I'm not."

Madilim ang naging tingin niya sa akin. Parang hindi siya sang-ayon sa sinabi ko. How can he look at me like I'm worth something? Like I'm not the disaster I feel inside? He stays, even when I push him away. Even when I give him every reason to walk out that door. I don't get it. Kung bakit mas pinipili pa rin niyang buksan ang natitirang pinto papasok nang tuluyan sa buhay ko.

"Rayne..." Tahimik siyang tumingin sa akin bago marahang huminga nang malalim, parang hinahanap ang tamang mga salita. "You don't get to decide what you're worth to me."

Natigilan ako, hindi makatingin sa mga mata niya. Pero hindi siya tumigil. "You think that the more someone sees you—the real you, your pain, your fears, your mistakes—the harder it is to stay. But that's not how it works. At least, not for me."

He shifted closer, his voice softened even more. "Knowing you don't make me want to leave. It doesn't make me care less. If anything, it makes me stay. Because out of all people you let in, you let me see you... even the parts of you try to hide. And none of it scares me away. Not even a little."

Marahan siyangg huminga parang sinisiguro niyang nauunawaan ko ang bawat salita niya. "Knowing you... Rayne... knowing you, even the messy, broken parts. Even this—" He gestured gently at my trembling hands. "makes me want to stay even more."

"I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Of how much you matter. You keep telling yourself you're not enough, but... you are. Even when you feel like a mess. Even when you think you're pushing me away."

I felt him gently squeeze my hand. It was careful, like he didn't want to overwhelm me, just to remind me he was still there.

"You can break down. You can fall apart. You can push me away as much as you want. But I'll stay here. I'll keep staying. You don't have to be anyone else when you're with me, Rayne. You don't have to hide anything from me. I see you. All of you."

"So please, stop trying to convince yourself that you're hard to care about... because you're not. If you think I'm staying just because I feel like I have to, you're wrong. I'm here because I want to be. Because I choose to be."

But then, slowly, I released his hand, letting it fall away as my chest tightened with something I couldn't name. My fingers hovered in the space between us, hesitant, before I finally let them rest against his chest—right over his heart. Not to push him away this time, but to keep him close.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered. "Sorry for always pushing you away... and thank you..." My hand trembled against his chest, but I didn't pull away. Instead, I let my fingers curl slightly against the fabric of his shirt, clutching onto him like an anchor. "Thank you for staying. For always staying."

Bahagya siyang tumawa, mahina at halos hindi marinig, habang marahan niyang pinahid ang mga luha sa pisngi ko. Pagkatapos, dahan-dahan siyang yumuko, idinikit ang noo niya sa noo ko.

"Kahit walang payong, susugurin ko ang bagyo mo, Ulan," mahina niyang sabi. "To be soaked in your pain and share your burdens is a privilege. If that's the price to be here with you, I'd be more than willing to be in debt."

A shaky laugh escaped my lips, and for the first time that day, I felt at peace.

He pulled me into another hug. This time he burried his face into my shoulder and whispered, "At kahit pa, you're not yet ready to open your doors, I will stay there in the foyer. I will wait until I prove that I'm here. I am here to respect the space you want to maintain or the walls you don't want me to break yet. So please, let me—"

Before he could finish his sentence, I cut him off. "Stay. Please stay."

Naramdaman kong saglit siyang natigilan. His breath hitched against my shoulder. I felt the faint tremble of his arms around me, as if he hadn't expected me to say those words. Dahan-dahan, bahagya siyang lumayo para tingnan ako. His eyes widened with a mixture of surprise and something else—something gentler, something quieter, like relief.

"Okay," he said, his voice soft but firm. "I will."

Sandali siyang napatitig, hindi inaalis ang tingin sa akin. Parang gusto niyang tiyakin na totoo ang narinig niya, na hindi ko babawiin ang sinabi ko. Pagkatapos, bahagyang kumunot ang noo niya, at nagbago ang ekspresyon niya. Concern replaced the relief in his eyes as he studied me closely, na parang may napansin siyang hindi niya nakita kanina.

Inangat niya ang kamay at sandaling nag-alinlangan bago marahang itinabi ang isang hibla ng buhok mula sa mukha ko. "Kailangan mo nang magpahinga," mahina niyang sabi. "Let me take you home."

Hindi na niya hinintay na sumangayon pa ako. Marahan niyang kinuha ang bag mula sa kamay ko at isinabit ito sa balikat niya na parang natural na natural lang sa kanya. Pagkatapos iniabot ang kamay niya sa akin.

"Come on," he said softly, his eyes meeting mine with quiet determination. "Let me get you home."

Saglit akong tumitig lang sa kamay niya bago dahan-dahan at may pag-aalinlangan kong inabot ito. With a small, reassuring squeeze of my hand, Nash led me toward his motorcycle parked a few steps away.

Tahimik ang naging biyahe namin pauwi. I sat behind him. My arms loosely wrapped around his waist. Usually, I'd keep my distance but tonight I leaned into him. I resting my forehead against his back. He didn't say a word, but his presence was enough.

When we finally reached my house, Nash parked his motorcycle just outside the gate. Bumaba ako sa motorsiklo. Pagharap ko kay Nash, saglit ko siyang tinitigan. His helmet visor was already up, revealing the softness in his usually stoic eyes.

"Salamat," mahina kong sabi, halos pabulong.

He tilted his head, studying me for a moment. "Rayne, okay ka na?" tanong niya, mahina ngunit puno ng pag-aalala.

Hindi ko na kayang magsinungaling. Kaya tumango lang ako, kahit alam kong halata sa mukha ko ang totoo.

"I don't know," I admitted, my voice cracking. "But... thank you. For being there kanina."

Nash's lips pressed into a thin line. Hindi siya nagsalita. Hindi rin siya gumalaw, pero ang mga mata niya ay puno ng emosyon. It was as if he wanted to say something, pero pinili niyang huwag.

"Pasok na ako," sabi ko, forcing a weak smile as I slowly stepped back. Pero bago ako tuluyang makapasok, he caught my wrist gently.

"Rayne," he said, his voice firm but not harsh. "Remember, I'm here."

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot. Hindi rin ako makatingin ng diretso sa kanya, kaya tumango na lang ulit ako. "Good night, Nash," sabi ko, paos.

Binitiwan niya ang kamay ko, and I hurried inside. Ngunit kahit nasa loob na ako ng bahay, hindi maalis sa ang init ng pisngi ko. I leaned against the door. Sa kabila ng lahat, hindi ko pa rin lubos maisip ang nangyari kanina.

I felt like a storm had passed, leaving everything in ruins—yet at the same time, there was a strange sense of relief.

I walked toward the small table by the window and stared out at the faint glow of Nash's motorcycle lights. And there he was, still waiting. Hindi ko alam kung bakit siya hindi pa umaalis. Nakatingin lang siya sa gate ng bahay ko, na parang tiniyak niyang ligtas na ako bago siya tuluyang umalis.

A lump formed in my throat, and I quickly turned away. I collapsed onto the sofa, hugging my knees close to my chest.

The low hum of his motorcycle roared to life. My chest tightened as I listened to the engine growl. The sound grew fainter and fainter, like a heartbeat slowing, until it disappeared completely. Tuluyan na siyang umalis.

My hands trembled as I buried my face into my arms, trying to fight back the tears. But it was no use. The fear clawed at me, relentless and suffocating, dragging me back to every moment I'd been abandoned, to every promise broken, to every time I'd been left behind.

Why? Bakit kailangan pa niyang mag-stay? Bakit hindi na lang niya ako iwanan tulad ng lahat ng iba? The more I thought about it, the harder it was to breathe. Because the truth was simple—terrifyingly simple.

I wasn't afraid of being alone.

I was afraid of what it meant to let someone stay.

And Nash... he wasn't just staying. He was breaking through everything I tried so hard to keep intact.

"Kahit ilang beses mo akong itaboy, I'll stay."

Naramdaman kong pumatak ang unang luha bago pa man sumunod ang iba. But for once, it wasn't from sadness. It was fear. Hope. A strange mixture of both.

But what if he didn't?

I looked at the empty corner of my living room, my vision blurred, and the familiar ache of loneliness settled deep in my chest.

For the first time, I realized it wasn't just the fear of being alone that terrified me. It was the possibility that someone like Nash might actually stay—and that I might ruin it.