CHAPTER 18 - DRENCHED IN PAIN

"Kuya, para po sa tabi."

Nagbayad ako sa tricycle driver saka tuluyan nang dumiretso sa masikip na eskinita patungo sa bahay namin. Madilim at tahimik ang paligid. Tanging tunog ng yapak ko at ng mga kuliglig ang naririnig.

Habang papalapit ako, pabigat nang pabigat ang aking mga hakbang sa hindi malamang dahilan. My chest felt tighter with every step. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero parang may bumubulong sa akin na may mali.

When I reached the house, my brows furrowed. Walang ilaw sa bahay.

"Naputulan ba kami?"

Sigurado ako na nabayaran ko naman ang kuryente nitong buwan.

Dahan-dahan kong binuksan ang pinto. The darkness inside felt heavier than usual, like it was swallowing the air. My heart pounded in my chest as I fumbled for the light switch.

Pagbukas ng ilaw ay natigilan ako. There he was, my father, lying on the floor. From where I stand I could see his pale face, his shallow breathing, and his sweat soaking through his shirt.

Parang may humigpit na pisi sa dibdib ko habang unti-unti akong lumapit sa kaniya. "I-itay..." Tumigil ako sa tabi niya, nanginginig ang mga daliri ko habang hinawakan ang kanyang noo.

"Ang taas ng lagnat n'yo," bulong ko kahit alam kong hindi niya ako maririnig. My throat tightened, and it felt like something was stuck there, blocking my voice.

I stared at him, at his helpless body sprawled on the floor. Ang daming emosyon ang sabay-sabay na sumabog sa loob ko—galit, takot, awa.

Mostly, anger but seeing him like this—so fragile, so weak—pushed the anger aside. Paano kung... My thoughts spiraled... imagining the worst.

It wasn't the first time I'd seen him sick, but this time felt different.

"Bakit mo ginagawa 'to sa sarili mo, 'Tay?" my voice trembled. I didn't know if I was asking him or myself.

I hate my father. Wala na siyang ibang ginawa maghapon kundi ang magsugal at mag-inom. Wala siyang pakialam sa kahit na anong bagay ang tanging mahalaga lang sa kaniya ay ang kaniyang bisyo.

I hate that I have to take care of him and clean up all his mess. I hate that I have to be the responsible one who has to hold everything together. But most of all, I hate that I love him despite all his lapses as my father. It's hard to admit, but I do. I love him even if he doesn't deserve it.

Kahit anong gawin niya, kahit ilang beses niya kaming sirain, to me, he was still my father.

My hands shook as I grabbed my phone. My first instinct was to call for help. I searched for an emergency number, but when I scrolled through my contacts, my thumb stopped at a familiar name. Nash.

Sandali akong natigilan. My breath hitched as I stared at his name. I smiled bitterly as I realized what just crossed my mind. I heaved a deep sigh. I couldn't afford to lose time. I dialed for the ambulance and prayed that they would arrive in time.

Habang nakaluhod sa tabi ni Itay, naalala ko ang lahat ng pagkakataong kinailangan kong maging matatag para sa aming dalawa. Noong nakaraang taon, dinala ko rin siya sa ospital dahil sa pagsusuka niya ng dugo. I couldn't afford the medical bills, so I borrowed money from co-worker and relatives.

That time, I told myself I'd never let him push us into that kind of situation again. Pero ngayon, narito na naman kami. May mga araw na gusto ko na lang tumakbo, iwan ang lahat. Pero paano? Paano ko siya iiwan?

I hate it. I hate myself for loving him enough to keep doing this.

The sound of the ambulance siren blared in my ears. I sat beside Itay in the back of the ambulance, gripping his hand tightly as if my touch alone could keep him anchored to this world. His body was limp, and his skin felt clammy beneath my fingers.

"Please fight," I whispered, more to myself than to him.

When we reached the hospital, everything became a blur. Nurses and doctors surrounded him, asking me questions I could barely answer. I felt like I was outside my own body, watching everything happen but unable to do anything.

"Ma'am, kelan pa po siya nagsimulang magka-lagnat?" one nurse asked as they wheeled him toward the ER.

"Hindi ko po alam... Kanina ko lang po siya nakita," I stammered.

"May existing conditions po ba siya?"

"W-wala..." I froze for a moment before correcting myself. "Meron... may history po siya ng liver problems."

The nurse nodded and jotted something down before rushing after the gurney. I followed them down the hallway but a staff member stopped me outside the ER doors.

"Ma'am, dito na lang po muna kayo. Hintayin niyo po ang findings ng doktor."

I sank into one of the cold, plastic chairs outside the ER, my mind spiraled with every worst-case scenario. My hands wouldn't stop shaking as I gripped my phone, staring at it without really seeing anything.

What if hindi na siya magising?

Just then, my phone buzzed in my hand. Tumawag si Ma'am Liza, my manager from Gaia's Cafe. I stared at her name on the screen.

I hesitated for a moment before answering. "Hello, Ma'am."

"Rayne! Bakit wala ka pa? You're supposed to be here twenty minutes ago," she snapped, there's this sharpness that was evident in her voice.

"Ma'am, pasensya na po. Emergency po sa bahay—dinala ko po si Itay sa ospital..."

"Emergency?!" Her voice softened for a moment, then turned cold again. "Rayne, alam mong understaffed tayo ngayon. Hindi pwedeng basta ka na lang hindi sisipot sa shift mo. Paano 'yung mga customer? Kailan ka pupunta?"

I pressed my hand to my forehead. "Hindi ko po alam... Hindi ko pa po alam ang kalagayan ni Itay..." I swallowed back a sob.

"Well, kailangan kita dito," she said firmly. "Basta i-text mo ako kung makakapunta ka pa. Kung hindi, I'll have to deduct this from your pay."

"Ma'am..." I tried to protest but she had already hung up.

I stared at the phone in disbelief. Mas lalong bumigat ang dibdib ko.

"Miss Carreon?"

A male voice broke through the chaos in my head. Napalingon ako at nakita ko ang isang doktor na naka-face mask. May hawak siyang clipboard nasa kamay niya. Agad akong tumayo, halos madapa pa sa pagmamadali.

"Yes po, Doc! Kamusta na po si Itay?"

He sighed softly, his expression was neutral but tired. "Mayroon po kaming initial findings. Mukhang komplikasyon ito ng kanyang liver condition. Based on his records and his current state, we suspect alcoholic hepatitis—a severe inflammation of the liver caused by heavy alcohol consumption."

Parang bumaliktad ang mundo ko sa sinabi niya. The words alcoholic hepatitis echoed in my ears. "A-anong ibig sabihin nito, Doc?"

"Miss, kailangan nating ipa-admit siya agad for further tests. Malala ang kondisyon niya, and if left untreated... it could progress to liver failure."

Liver failure.

"Pero Doc... paano po 'yung gastos? Hindi po namin kayang magbayad ng malaki..." Tears starts to welled up in my eyes.

Lumambot ang expression ng mukha niya. "Mayroon po kaming social services office dito sa ospital. Pwede po kayong mag-apply for financial assistance. Pero kailangan natin siyang ipa-confine sa lalong madaling panahon."

I nodded though my mind was afloat. Saan ako kukuha ng pera? Anong gagawin ko?

"Doc, gagaling po ba siya?"

He hesitated for a moment. "Mahirap pong sagutin ngayon. Depende po sa response niya sa treatment, sa resources, at higit sa lahat, sa lifestyle niya moving forward. Kailangan niyang itigil ang pag-inom ng alak."

I bit my lip. Itigil ang pag-inom? Kay Itay? Kaya ba niya iyon?

"Sige po. Salamat po, Doc," I whispered.

Pag-alis ng doktor, bumalik ako sa upuan at naupo nang parang wala nang natitirang lakas. My phone buzzed again with a message from Ma'am Liza.

"Rayne, let me know kung makakarating ka pa sa shift mo. Otherwise, may kaltas ka sa sahod."

Tiningnan ko ang message at halos maibato ang telepono. Ang dami-daming tanong sa isip ko. Paano ko babayaran ang ospital? Paano ko kukumbinsihin si Itay na tumigil sa pag-inom? Paano ako makakapasok sa trabaho kung narito ako sa ospital? Paano?

I buried my face in my hands. I wanted to scream, to cry, to run away from everything. But I couldn't. I didn't have that luxury.

All I could do was sit there and hold on to the thin thread of hope that somehow... things would get better.

I sat outside the ER for a moment, staring blankly at my phone. My thoughts were a tangled mess. Walang mag-aalaga kay Itay. Hindi ko kayang mag-isa. Kailangan ko ng tulong.

I scrolled through my contacts again. My thumb hesitating over a familiar name—Tita Linda. Si Tita Linda, ang nakatatandang kapatid ni Itay. Matagal na kaming walang komunikasyon pero sa pagkakataong ito, alam kong wala na akong ibang maasahan.

Huminga ako nang malalim bago pindutin ang tawag. My heart pounded in my chest as the ringing filled my ears.

After a few rings, the call connected. "Hello?" Her voice was sharp like she wasn't used to receiving calls from me—or anyone at all.

"T-tita Linda," I stammered. "Si Rayne po ito. Anak ni Itay..."

There was a pause on the other end, long enough to make me wonder if she was about to hang up.

"Oh... Rayne. Ano'ng nangyari?" she finally asked, her tone is soft.

"Tita, nasa ospital po si Itay ngayon. Ang taas po ng lagnat niya, and..." My voice cracked, but I forced myself to continue. "Sabi ng doktor, malala na po 'yung kondisyon niya sa liver dahil sa pag-inom. Kailangan niya pong ma-admit, pero hindi ko kayang mag-isa."

She let out a sigh, and I could hear her fumbling with something in the background. "Asan ka ngayon? Saang ospital?"

"Sa Mercy General po..." I said quickly at bahagyang nakahinga nang maluwag.

"I'll be there," she said firmly. "Give me an hour."

"Tita, salamat po,."

"Rayne, huwag kang mag-alala. Pupuntahan ko kayo."

The call ended and I clutched my phone tightly.

About an hour later, I saw Tita Linda entered into the hospital lobby, her handbag swinging at her side. Her short hair was neatly combed, and she wore the kind of plain, practical clothes that screamed no-nonsense.

"Rayne!" she called out as soon as she saw me. Lumapit siya agad. Her eyes scanned my face. "Kamusta na ang tatay mo? Ano na ang sabi ng doktor?"

"Tita..." My voice almost cracked as I started to explain. "Sabi po ng doktor, severe na po ang liver niya. Kailangan niyang ma-confine, pero kailangan din po niyang tumigil sa pag-inom..."

She let out a deep sigh, shaking her head. "Ang dami na niyang beses na pinagsabihan ko. Pero eto tayo ngayon, nasa ospital."

Her words were sharp but I couldn't argue. She wasn't wrong anyway.

"Kailangan po siyang bantayan sa ospital," I added, wringing my hands nervously. "Pero may trabaho pa po ako... Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pagsasabayin—"

Tita Linda placed a firm hand on my shoulder. "Ako na ang bahala dito, Rayne. Magtatrabaho ka pa? Ikaw na nga ang nagdala sa kaniya dito."

I nodded quickly, guilt and relief mixing in my chest. "Kailangan ko po... My manager is already upset. Baka mawalan po ako ng trabaho kung hindi ako pumunta."

"Sige, Rayne. Ako na ang bahala dito."

"Salamat po, Tita..." I whispered, the lump in my throat growing heavier.

I left the hospital feeling like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. The guilt of leaving Itay behind, the relief of Tita Linda stepping in, and the pressure of making it to work on time all swirled together in my chest. My feet felt like lead as I hurried to the bus stop.

As I sat on the bus, the world outside blurred into streaks of light. My phone buzzed with a message from Ma'am Liza.

"Rayne, please hurry. Customers are piling up, and we're short-staffed."

I bit my lip as I replied. "On my way po."

Every minute felt like an eternity as the bus crawled through traffic. When the bus finally reached my stop, I bolted out, running the last few blocks to the coffee shop. By the time I reached the door, my lungs were burning, and my uniform was sticking to my skin with sweat.

"Rayne, finally!" Ma'am Liza snapped as soon as she saw me. "Sobrang dami ng customer. Go help at the register! Ikaw muna ang magcashier."

I nodded quickly, not even bothering to catch my breath. I tied my apron on and rushed behind the counter. The line of customers stretched almost to the door and I could feel their eyes on me as I fumbled with the register.

"Sorry for the wait," I said automatically.

My voice now sounds tired as I took orders and rang them up as fast as I could. Pinilit kong maging okay para sa trabaho. My hands moved on autopilot but my mind was far away—still stuck in that hospital waiting room, wondering kung okay na ba si Itay.

Nang malapit na matapos ang shift ko the rush finally died down. I leaned against the counter. Sobrang sakit na ng hita ko. Sandali lang akong nag-inat ng katawan at hindi ko namalayang nasa tabi ko na si Ma'am Liza.

She gave me the look. "Rayne, ayusin mo 'yang hitsura mo. You look like you've been through hell."

I have. Gusto ko sanang sabihin mabuti na lamang at napigilan ko. "Sorry po," I muttered instead, adjusting my apron.

My phone buzzed in my pocket. I quickly pulled it out as my heart started racing. It was a message from Tita Linda.

"Stable na ang kondisyon ng tatay mo. Sinimulan na nila ang tests. Balik ka na lang mamaya kung tapos na shift mo."

I exhaled sharply, the tension in my chest slightly eased. Stable na siya.

I wiped the last crumbs from the counter and wrote "time out" in my DTR. Tinanggal ko ang apron ko at isinalansan sa hook sa likod ng pintuan. Saka ko sinuot ang parka jacket ko. Pinilit kong ituwid ang katawan kahit parang gusto na nitong sumuko.

Pagbukas ko ng pinto palabas, sinalubong ako ng malamig na hangin at amoy ng basang simento. Ulan na naman. Tuwing malapit ang bagong taon, parang hindi tumitigil ang langit sa pag-iyak.

I took a deep breath but it didn't help. My chest still felt heavy, my thought still circling back to the hospital, to Itay, to the bills, at sa mga gamot na kailangan naming bilihin.

Paano na bukas? Pumikit ako saka bumuntong-hininga. Bahala na.

Mabilis kong tinakbo ang pinakamalapit na waiting shed kahit umuulan pa. Ang mga sapatos ko'y sumisirit ng tubig sa bawat yapak. My soaked jacket clung to my clothes, and I could feel my wet socks squishing in my shoes.

God, sobrang malas ko sa buhay. Wala bang take two?

Pagdating ko sa waiting shed, napahinto ako nang makita si Nash.

He was leaning against the wall.His right hand was tucked in his pocket while his left held an umbrella. The dim light from the streetlamp cast long shadows and for a moment, I thought I was imagining him.

Akala ko'y pagod lang ako at hindi siya ang nasa harapan ko. But his eyes met mine and the flicker of surprise in his gaze confirmed that he was real.

"Hey," he started. His voice is soft but cautious.

I didn't respond. My entire body stiffed. I am exhausted and I barely had the energy to react. Tumayo lang ako doon, basa at nanginginig, hawak ang strap ng bag ko na parang iyon ang nagbibigay sa akin ng lakas.

"Rayne..." he said again, stepping forward hesitantly. His brows furrowed as he scanned my soaked figure.

"Anong ginagawa mo rito?" My voice hoarse and I didn't mean to lifeless.

"Dapat ako ang magtanong niyan," he replied, his tone low but steady. "Bakit basang-basa ka ng ulan? Wala ka na namang dalang payong?"

"Wala akong oras para magdala ng payong," I snapped. The words comes out sharper than I intended. "At wala akong oras para makipag-usap sa'yo ngayon."

I turned away but my steps faltered. My body screamed at me to keep moving but my legs felt like they were stuck in quicksand. Ayaw makisama dahil sa pagod.

"Rayne..." His voice was closer now. I heard the soft thud of his shoes on the wet pavement as he stepped closer to me. "Alam kong galit ka sa akin. But you don't look okay."

"Hey," he said again, begging for my attention.

Hindi ko siya pinansin. Silence filled the small space between us. I stood there, soaked from head to toe, determined to ignore him.

"I heard you quit, " he said breaking the silence. His voice had a tinge of guilt.

Still, I didn't respond. The publication wasn't my priority right now and I didn't owe him an explanation. Nanginginig ang mga kamay ko habang hawak ang strap ng bag ko, trying to keep my emotions in check.

"Bakit ka nag-quit? Ano ba talagang nangyari?"" His voice is almost pleading this time.

I said nothing. His tone wasn't demanding—it was concerned. But I didn't want to hear it. Ayokong makialam siya.

"Please, Rayne... Talk to me," he said again, stepping closer. Bahagya niyang hinawakan ang braso ko, his touch is firm but careful, almost like he was afraid I might pull away.

"Sorry sa mga nasabi ko noong Arrion Festival," he said. "I didn't know you missed your exam that day."

Mas lalong bumigat ang dibdib ko nang maalala ang nangyari. I thought I'd alread buried the pain. I turned to face him, searching his eyes for any sign of triumph, but all I saw was sincerity.

"Does it matter? You can have your position now, Nash. You got what you wanted. Bakit ka pa nagndito?"

He looked taken aback. Frustrated. "Rayne, hindi ko ginusto 'to. Alam mong ayoko ng ganito. Gusto ko ng patas na laban."

"Then congratulations," I said bitterly. "You won. Now leave me alone."

I tried to walk past him but he blocked my path. His hand reached out—not to grab me, but to stop me. "Please, pakinggan mo naman ako oh..." he said, his voice is gentler now.

I sighed sharply, dropping my bag to my side. "Fine. Ano bang gusto mo? Gusto mo ba ng paliwanag? Gusto mo bang marinig kung bakit ako nag-resign? Hindi ko na kayang ipagsabay ang lahat. Mahina pala ako. Happy?"

"That's not what I want," he said quickly, shaking his head. "I just... I want you to come back."

I blinked, taken aback. "Ano?"

He took a deep breath and steadied his gaze despite the hesitation in his posture. "Be my associate, Rayne."

His words caught me off guard. For a moment, I just stood there, staring at him. After everything... after all the fights, the arguments... he wants me to come back?

Umiling ako, hindi makatingin sa kaniya. "I can't."

"Rayne..." he started again but I raised a hand to stop him. "Please stop. I said I can't."

Hindi ko na siya nilingon lalo na nang may pumarada ng tricycle. Sumakay ako sa loob noon. The engine roared to life and I slumped back into the seat, finally letting out a shaky breath.

He wanted me to be his what? His associate? Para ano pa?

The rain had stopped when I reached the hospital. I stepped into Itay's room quietly, almost hesitant like I didn't belong there.

Tita Linda was seated by his bed, slicing a banana into neat pieces and placing them on a small plate. Itay sat up, chewing slowly, staring blankly at the wall. He didn't even glance in my direction when I walked in.

"Rayne, nandito ka na pala," Tita Linda said, smiling at me. Her voice was warm but there was something careful in her tone like she was holding back. "Kamusta? Tapos ka na ba sa shift mo?"

I nodded, setting my bag down on the table by the window. "Opo, Tita. Kumusta po?"

The room was quiet for a moment except for the faint hum of the air conditioning. I sat in the chair across from her.

"Ano," Tita Linda began, glancing at Itay before turning back to me, "napag-uusapan namin ng tatay mo... Mas mabuti siguro kung sa Manila na lang siya magpapagamot."

Her words hit me harder than I expected. I blinked at her, unsure of how to respond. My eyes darted to my father but he didn't even flinch. He just kept chewing like the conversation didn't concern him at all.

"Sa Manila po?"

"Mas maganda ang mga pasilidad doon," she explained. "May mga espesyalista roon na mas makakatulong sa kondisyon niya. At..." She hesitated, glancing at me carefully. "Mas mabuti siguro kung sumama ka na rin."

I felt my chest tighten.

Kanina lang, iniisip ko na sana pwede na lang akong mawala, na pwede akong umalis at iwan ang lahat. The idea of leaving everything—Itay, the publication, Nash, even school—had been tempting. Maybe if I disappeared, the all my responsibilities would finally disappear too.

But now that the opportunity to leave was right in front of me, all I could think was how much it will complicate everything.

Leaving didn't feel like freedom anymore. It felt like another version of my failure.

I managed a small, polite smile. "Salamat po, Tita, pero..." I hesitated but still continued. "Hindi po ako pwedeng umalis. I can't just leave everything behind. One year na lang po... gagruatuate na ako."

Kanina ay hindi ako sigurado sa bagay na iyon but now that sounds like a promise.

"Sigurado ka ba, Rayne? Hindi biro ang mag-isa." Tita linda's brow furrowed slightly.

"Kaya ko naman po," I cut her off gently. With my voice was soft but firm, "Kahit paano, sanay na po ako."

Itay let out a short laugh. Tila hindi siya sangayon sa naging desisyon ko. "Sanay? Hindi mo nga kayang mag-isa kapag may kulog. Tapos ngayon, akala mo kaya mo na?"

Aminado akong nasaktan ako sa sinabi niya but I forced myself to keep my face neutral. The air in the room shifted.

Tita Linda, who had been quietly observing the conversation glanced between us. Her lips pressed into a thin line before she stood and smoothed her skirt.

"Maiwan ko na lang muna kayo para makapag-usap kayo nang maayos," she said gently, patting Itay's arm before turning to me. "Rayne, kung kailangan mo ng tulong, sabihin mo lang, ha?"

I nodded, managing a weak smile. "Salamat po, Tita."

She gave me a brief look of reassurance before stepping out of the room. The door clicked softly shut behind her and the silence that followed was deafening.

"Ang yabang mo na ngayon, ha," panimula ni Itay. "Kaya mo na? Eh paano, ha? Paano mo kakayanin ang buhay dito, sige nga? Hindi mo nga kayang mag-isa noon. Tuwing may kulog, hanap ka nang hanap sa akin. Lagi kang takot noon."

Parang may bumara sa dibdib ko. His words digged deeper into a wound I thought had healed. Ramdam ko ang paglamig ng mukha ko at panginginig ng mga kamay.

"Tama po kayo," I said softly, my voice barely above a whisper now. "Hindi ko po kaya noon. Lagi akong takot. Pero natutunan ko na, 'tay. Matagal na akong natutong kayanin dahil wala na akong ibang aasahan kundi ang sarili ko."

Mas lalong nadepina ang kunot nang kaniyang noo. But that didn't stop me. My intrusive thoughts won. It spilled out before I could think to hold them back.

"Noong nawala si Inay, hindi lang siya ang nawala sa akin. Kayo rin. Lagi kayong wala. Sugal, inom, bisyo—'yun po ang pamilya ninyo, hindi ako."

"Ano ba ang gusto mong sabihin?" he snapped. Bahagya nang tumaas ang tono ng boses niya. "Na ako ang may kasalanan? Na ako ang mali?"

"Hindi ko po sinasabi 'yon," I shot back. "Pero 'tay, hindi ko kayo naramdaman. Sa loob ng lahat ng taon, hindi ko naramdaman ang presensya ng isang ama. Kahit nandito kayo, parang iniwan niyo na rin ako!"

Pinangako ko sa sarili kong hindi ako iiyak sa harapan ni Itay kaya pilit kong pinigilan ang pagpatak noon. I looked away but still continued. Kung hindi ko ito sasabihin ngayon... baka mawalan na ako nang pagkakataon.

"Tuwing may problema ako, wala akong mapuntahan," I continued. "Tuwing may kulog?" I smiled bitterly. "Oo, hinahanap ko kayo, pero wala. Tuwing may kailangan ako, naghihintay akong kumilos kayo, pero wala. Lagi na lang pong wala. Paano niyo po nasasabi na hindi ko kaya mag-isa, kung buong buhay ko, natutunan ko nang kayanin dahil wala kayong ibang ginawa kundi iwan ako?

"Hindi ko po sinasabi na madali 'tay... kasi sobrang hirap na hirap na po ako." Tinitigan ko siya sa mga mata. Bakas doon ang gulat sa lahat nang nasabi ko. "Kahit minsan ba 'tay, kahit isang beses lang, naisip niyo bang tumingin sa akin? Na itanong kung kaya ko pa? Kasi kahit isang beses, wala po kayong ginawa kundi hayaan akong mag-isa."

"Hindi mo alam iyang sinasabi mo... Kilala kita... sa una lang yang—" pagtanggi niya.

Umiling ako nang paulit ulit. "Hindi n'yo po ako kilala, 'tay. Matagal na po akong hindi takot sa kulog."

He froze at my words. For a moment, I thought he might add or say something, anything, but he didn't. He just sat there, stared at the wall, dismissing me as always.

I turned and walked to the door. My legs felt heavy with every step. Nasalubong ko si Tita Linda pero hindi ko siya kayang kausapin ngayon. She understood my gestures and let me walk away without a word.

By the time I reached the hospital entrance, the cool night air hit my face.

Does he even care? Did he even think twice before deciding to leave? Before deciding to leave me?