SOUNDTRACK: In The Stars by Benson Boone

Chapter 17

Kinabukasan, pagpasok ko sa TVOA office, agad akong sinalubong ng nakakabinging katahimikan. Yung tipo ng katahimikan na parang may sariling bigat. Tumigil ako sa pintuan at tumitig sa loob. Meydo nanibago ang presensya ko dahil sa labis na katahimikan. Isang malalim na buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan ko at agad kong tinanggal ang earphones ko kahit wala namang tugtog.

My steps felt too loud as I approached my desk. The silence wasn't just quiet, it was suffocating.

Kakatapos lamang ng foundation day ng Arrion. We had this so-called "academic break," kaya walang matagpuang estudyante sa school. I came early on purpose, hoping to avoid anyone especially Nash or anyone else from the publication. Hindi ko alam pero wala akong lakas na harapin ang kahit sino sa kanila.

Nang maupo ako sa aking upuan, hindi ko maiwasang mapalingon sa kauboan ng silid. Lahat ng sulok ng office, held memories of TVOA. Naninibago lang siguro ako dahil nasanay ako sa maingay na tawanan ng staffers, the random banters of Ynigo and Ciqa, and the cheerful energy of this space. Pero ngayon it felt really empty, or at least for me because that's what I feel inside?

Napabuntong-hininga ako at binuksan ang laptop, pilit inaalis ang bigat sa dibdib ko ngunit halos marinig ko ang sariling paghinga sa tahimik na kwarto. The screen blinked to life and cast a pale glow on my face. I stared at the screen as I let my hands hover over the keyboard. Then, finally, I started typing.

To: The Voice of Arrionians Editorial Team

Subject: Resignation Letter

I reread every word that I didn't know I'd write. These words felt like a dagger in my heart.

Aminado akong pumasok ako sa publication para kay Jace. Kung hindi dahil sa kaniya, hindi ko rin naman pipiliing manatili pa. I had lost my scholarship. I'm not blaming anyone but myself, yet my scholarship was my only lifeline. It was gone now. It slipped through my fingers without me even noticing.

Hindi ko na alam kung paano ko isusurvive ang isa pang sem na wala ang scholarship ko pero ang isiping iiwanan ko ang publication na nagsilbing tahanan ko sa loob ng dalawang taon... I just can't imagine.

I clenched my jaw, trying to push the hesitation away. For two years, this was my world and slowly they also became my family. I paused as my hands trembled on the keyboard. The words didn't feel real. My fingers hovered, hesitating to press save... but I had to let it go.

Jace, paano ba? Tama ba ito?

I thought about him... about how he'd cheer me on every time I doubted myself. Sobrang vivid ng alaala ko sa kanya na parang naririnig ko ulit ang boses niya.

"Rayne, kayang-kaya mo 'yan. Ituloy mo lang."

But he wasn't here anymore. And the truth was I wasn't sure if I could keep going.

I pressed print. I held it in my hand still with hesitation. I signed under my name which signaled its finality. Tumayo ako at marahang inilapag yung letter sa desk ni Vash. For a moment, I stood there, staring at the paper, tila parang tangang nakikipaglaban sa gusto ng puso ko.

Alam kong wala naman akong choice. So I turned to leave but before I could reach the door, narinig ko ang boses ni Vash.

"Good morning, Rayne!"

Her cheerful tone pierced through the silence. Napalingon ako and there she was... smiling at me. She was carrying her tote bag filled with papers and her DSLR camera slung over her shoulder.

"Kumusta ka na?" she asked casually, heading to her desk. "Sayang hindi ka nakasama kagabi sa Battle of the Bands! Sobrang galing ng Empty, grabe—"

Natigilan siya. Her eyes landed on the letter on her desk.

"Rayne..." She picked up the paper. Kumunot ang noo niya. She scanned the content quickly before she looked at me. "Mag-qquit ka?"

I avoided her gaze... shrugging my shoulder defensively. Tumango lang ako. Hindi ko magawang magsalita.

"Why?" she asked in panic. She took a stepped closer. "Bakit ka aalis?"

I shrugged again. Trying to look indifferent but I could feel the tears threatening to fall. "Wala lang. Kailangan ko lang."

She didn't buy it. Lumapit siya at inilapag ang letter sa table. Then slowly, she wrapped her arms around me.

"Rayne..." she whispered. Her voice was gentle but firm like a tether pulling me back from the edge. "Okay lang umiyak. Hindi mo kailangang magpanggap na kaya mo lahat."

At that moment, my defenses crumbled. "Vash... Sorry... Ang bigat... "Kinagat ko pa ang labi ko para pigilang umiyak sa harapan niya pero hindi ko na nagawa. "Ang bigat-bigat na..."

She tightened her hug on me. While her one hand is gently stroking my back. "Shhh... It's okay. Hindi mo kailangang laging malakas. Pagod ka lang. Huminga ka, Rayne."

"Hindi ko na kaya, Vash," Umiling ako para maintindihan niya. "Ang hirap-hirap na."

"I'm here. Just cry"

Humigpit ang pagkapit ko sa kanya. As if she was the only one giving me strenth to stand. "I failed a subject, Vash. I will lose my scholarship."

She pulled back slightly, just enough to look at me. Nagulat siya but her eyes softened. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang simpatya sa mga mata ng titigan niya ako.

"It's not okay, I know. But trust me you'll get through it," aniya at muli akong niyakap.

Hinayaan niya akong umiyak sa balikat niya. And then when I finally calm down, she began to talk again.

"Before I dropped my Film Production subject, I knew I was going to fail it." Ramdam ko ang pait sa boses niya. "Masyado akong na-overwhelm dito sa publication at nawalan ako ng oras para sa sarili ko. Ang hirap... You know... I'm counting the days before I leave this publication.

"Unti-unti, pakiramdam ko unti-unti akong nawawalan ako ng part ng sarili ko. Napakalaking parte ng buhay ko ang pagsusulat, pero alam ko kailangan kong mag-focus sa academics. Sobrang sakit lang na iwan ang bagay na mahal mo pero wala kang magawa dahil sa sitwasyon."

"Hindi ko ito sinasabi para mag-stay ka... I just want you to know that you have a choice. Hindi ka namin pinapaalis sa publication just because you failed a subject. I know your capabilities. Whatever you choose, sana piliin mo ang desisyon na hindi mo pagsisisihan sa huli. Alam kong mahirap pero kailangan din natin isipin ang kinabukasan natin. Sana, anuman ang maging desisyon mo, doon ka sa magiging masaya ka."

"Pero paano kung mali yung desisyon ko?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

She smiled, brushing away a tear from my cheek. "Then you try again. Wala naman sigurong maling desisyon. Nagiging mali lamang kapag hindi natin kayang panindigan. Pero kung ano man ang piliin mo, siguraduhin mong ikaw ang pipili noon. Hindi dahil sa guilt, hindi dahil sa pressure."

Para akong niyakap nang mga sinabi ni Vash. They reminded me of a voice I hadn't heard in years.

"Sana, sa anuman ang desisyon mo, doon sa magiging masaya ka."

I blinked and suddenly, I was no longer in Vash's arms.

Hinangin nang malakas ang mga dahon ng mangga na sinisilungan namin dahilan para hanginin din ang ilang piraso ng aking buhok papunta sa mukha ko. Jace leaned closer and gently brushed them aside.

"Tumahan na kasi, Rayne. Kanina ka pa umiiyak," aniya habang pilit na pinapatahan ako/ Mababa at malambing ang boses niya. The tone that he used to do only when he's talking to me.

"I can't. I can't stop crying," umiiyak ngunit natatawang sabi ko.

Tinawanan rin niya ako, his soft laughter broke the tension. Nilingon niya ang paligid. We stood under the mango tree... our usual spot in the quad with no one else but the old bench to witness my breakdown.

"Pinagtitinginan na nila tayo," he teased. "Baka akalain nilang ako ang nagpaiyak sa'yo. Mababawasan ang mga may crush sa'kin."

I sniffled and managed a small glare. "Jace naman eh! Umiiyak na nga yung tao!"

"See? Nakatulong. Tumigil ka!" His smile was like sunlight through storm clouds—brief but enough to make me stop.

"Anong ba kasing nangyari?" he asked softly.

Umiwas ako nang tingin. "Wala. Mababaw lang."

"Sa iyak mong iyon? Huwag ako, Avery Rayne."

I bit my lip, yet the words came out."Hindi ako pinayagang mag-enroll ng BA in Journalism. Wala na raw slot doon sa scholarship na inapplyan ko. And also I can't afford it. They suggested BS Education instead," muling namuo ang luha sa mga mata ko.

Jace remained silent for a second. I watched him take a deep breath, processing my problem. He knew my dreams—how deeply I wanted to become a journalist.

"Eh di mag-enroll ka sa BS Education. Tapusin mo 'yung bachelor's degree, magtrabaho ka muna, tapos kumuha ka ng mga units para maging journalist. Alam mo, kung para sa'yo talaga, magiging para sa'yo. At alam ko namang magaling ka sa pagsusulat. Sumali ka rin sa The Voice of Arrionians. I know kaya mo pa rin maging journalist. Naniniwala ako sa'yo."

"Paano kapag hindi para sa akin?"

"Edi ipilit natin." Tumawa siya, puno ng pag-asa iyon na parang nakakahawa. "Huwag kang mag-alala, nandito lang ako para sa'yo. Susuportahan kita habang ginagawa mo 'yan. Alam kong kaya mo 'yan! Pero sa ngayon, gaya ng napag-usapan natin, magtapos muna tayo ng bachelor's degree, okay?"

And just like that, he made everything feel possible. For a moment, I believed him—I believed in the future he painted so clearly. A future where we both walked across the stage, diplomas in hand, smiling like all the struggles we went through didn't matter.

Pero ngayon, alam kong hindi na mangyayari 'yung future na 'yon. Hindi na kami parehong makakapagtapos ng bachelor's degree, kasi iniwan niya na ako. Sumuko si Jace sa laban bago pa man kami nagkaroon ng pagkakataong sabay na tawirin ang finish line.

"Nandito lang ako para sa'yo."

But he wasn't here anymore. He left... and no matter how much I wished I could turn back time, I couldn't.

I swallowed the lump in my throat, feeling the familiar ache that came every time I thought of him. He made me believe I could keep going but now I didn't even know if I wanted to.

Unti-unting naglaho ang mga alaalang iyon at natagpuan ko ang sarili ko sa yakap ni Vashnee. But his words lingered, merging with Vashnee's words, as though both were urging me to move forward.

I closed my eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. For a moment, I thought I could feel Jace beside me again.

"Huwag kang magmadali, Rayne," ani Vash na nagpabalik sa akin sa realidad. "Piliin mo lang kung ano ang tingin mong tama para sa'yo. At kung ano ang magpapasaya sa'yo."

This time, I didn't speak. I just quietly nod to her.

Pero kahit may konting ginhawang dala ang pag-uusap na iyon, nanatili pa rin ang bigat sa dibdib ko. Parang isang maliit na liwanag ang mga sinabi ni Vash at alaala ni Jace na pilit bumubuga sa loob ng madilim na silid, pero hindi sapat para mapawi ang dilim at lungkot.

Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto kasabay ng mahihinang yabag. Si Ciqa ang unang pumasok, bitbit ang isang maliit na tray ng kape. "Rayne?" she called out softly, her brows furrowed as she saw me.

I tried to give her a weak smile. Before she could come closer, the door opened again. Nash entered. Tumigil siya sa may pintuan and his gaze immediately landed on me. His eyes flicked to the letter Vash was holding, then back to me, and to then Vash. He raised his brow when he saw me quickly wipe away my tears. I knew—he noticed. He could tell I had been crying.

He hesitated for a moment like he wanted to say something or to take a step closer. But I couldn't. Ayokong makita niya ako sa ganitong kalagayan. Hindi ko kayang kausapin siya ngayon. Hindi pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari.

Pinisil ko ang mga kamay ni Vash. Naintindihan niya ang nais kong iparating nang tanguhan niya ako. Mabilis kong pinulot ang bag ko saka nagpaalam. "Aalis na ako," sabi ko kay Ciqa at Vash, nang hindi tumitingin kay Nash.

"Sigurado ka?" tanong ni Ciqa, halatang nag-aalala dahil sa boses niya.

I nodded firmly, "Oo. Sorry, Ciqa. Next time na lang..."

Mula sa gilid ng paningin ko, napansin kong umayos ng tindig si Nash. He looked like he wanted to step forward. His hands twitched at his side as if trying to reach out.

"Rayne..." aniya, tila parang bulong na lang sa sobrang hina noon.

Pero hindi ko siya pinansin. I brushed past him without looking back. Hindi ko siya kayang harapin ngayon—hindi ko kaya. Ayoko nang makaramdam ng awa sa sarili ko dahil lang kinakaawaan ako ng iba.

Lumabas ako ng opisina upang tuluyan nang makahinga. I left the school premise and boarded the bus to the cemetery, and sat by the window. Napatitig lamang ako sa bintana. The world outside blurred into streaks of color—mga sasakyan, mga tao, lahat nang gumagalaw, lahat tuloy-tuloy. Pero ako, para akong nakalutang, hindi makasabay sa bilis ng ikot mundo.

Nang makababa ako sa bus ay umihip ang malakas na hangin. Kasing lamig iyon nang nararamdaman ko habang papalapit ako sa sementeryo. Each step I took felt heavier and slower.

Tahimik ang paligid. Tanging huni ng mga ibon at ang mahina ngunit tuloy-tuloy na kaluskos ng mga dahon ang naririnig ko habang papalapit ako sa puntod ni Jace. Pilit kong nilulunok ang buhol na nakabara sa lalamunan ko.

Pagdating ko sa pamilyar na puntod, tumigil ako. Dahil madalas akong naroon ay halos kabisado ko na ang ayos nang puntod niya. But today something felt off.

Sa tabi ng lapida niya, may vase ng puting lilies at hydrangeas. Sariwa at maayos na nakaayos ang mga iyon. My brows furrowed. Hindi ito ang mga bulaklak na madalas iwan ni Pastor Francis. They were too pristine, too perfect, parang hindi galing sa simpleng bisita.

Sa tabi ng vase, may isang bagay na agad na tumawag ng pansin ko—isang tabloid. Naupo ako sa damuhan at pinulot ang lumang issue ng TVOA. Naka-open iyon sa isang pahina, at ang headline sa itaas ay parang pumunit sa katahimikan ng lugar.

"Holding Student Leaders Accountable for What They Allow"

Bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. My hand trembled as I picked up the tabloid. Hindi ko kailangan ng paalala sa nangyari noon dahil malinaw na malinaw iyon.

The recent hazing incident involving Sigma Perpetua, a sorority under the College of Liberal Arts, sheds light on how serious this responsibility is. Four freshmen ended up in the hospital after a violent initiation, and instead of focusing solely on the sorority, the blame also landed on Jace Strauss Ballesteros, the president of the college council at the time. Ballesteros wasn't part of the sorority, but it was said that he knew about the hazing and didn't do anything to stop it.

This raises a tough question: how much should student leaders be held accountable for things that happen on their watch?

I stared at the writer of the column. Tale of a Broken Man.

The words in that article condemned the Sigma Perpetua Sorority.

And Jace... he never escaped it.

Beside the tabloid was a plain white envelope. Manipis ito, walang dekorasyon, walang kahit ano kundi ang pangalan ni Jace na nakasulat sa harap. Sa ilalim nito, may dalawang salita na halos magpatigil sa paghinga ko.

But it wasn't the apology that froze me—it was the initials below it.

My lips parted as I whispered, "N. D." repeating the letters like they could unlock an answer. But no name came to mind.

Napatingin ako sa mga bulaklak at doon ko napansin ang isang bagay na halos magtago sa damo. Lumuhod ako, dinampot ang isang bracelet na nakalapag malapit sa vase. It was simple—leather-bound, worn from use—but when I turned it over in my hands, my heart raced. I traced the markings with my thumb.  A chill ran down my spine. Ang nakaukit sa clasp nito ay ang simbolo ng Sigma Perpetua.

Someone left this here for a reason. Pero sino? I stared at the bracelet. This was where it all began—sa lintik na Sigma Perpetua na 'yon. Sila ang dahilan kung bakit siya nahirapan. Ang dahilan kung bakit hindi niya natupad ang pangako namin sa isa't-isa.

I closed my eyes tightly as my hand balled into fist. "Jace, kumusta ka na dyan? May masamang balita ako sayo. " I whispered, my voice tremble. "Hindi na rin ata ako makakagraduate. Its a tie. We both don't kept our promises."

Naalala ko pa noong sinabi niyang kaya niya, na hindi siya naaapektuhan. Sabi niya hindi naman iyon totoo kaya huwag ko na lang pansinin pero sa likod ng mga salitang iyon, kitang-kita sa mga mata niya ang bigat na dala niya. At lahat ng iyon dahil sa kanila.

"Loko ka. Sabi mo sa akin dati na kaya ko, Jace. Na huwag akong mag alala." I muttered, "Gago ka... ang daya mo! Iniwan mo ko."

My gaze dropped to the ground, to the bracelet in my hand, as my tears fell onto the tiles. "Sukuan pala? Hindi naman ako nainformed. Susuko na rin ba ako? Paano ko itutuloy 'yung pangakong ginawa natin kung wala ka na?"

The wind picked up, scattering the leaves around me. The white lilies swayed gently and their delicate petals brushed against the cold stone of his grave.

I stayed kneeling by his grave, my fingers clutching the bracelet like it held all the answers I needed. But it didn't. It only raised more questions.

Lahat nang iniwan ng taong bumisita kay Jace ay parang nagkukwento ng isang bahagi ng buhay ni Jace na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin naiintindihan.

***