CHAPTER 16 - EERIE SILENCE

When I was a child, I expected that when I got older, I'd be able to do the things that I wanted. I remember Inay used to tell me not to rush getting older. But at the age of 14, when her plane crashed, I needed to grow up fast in order to survive.

Doon ko napagtanto na hindi pala lahat ng bagay ay magagawa mo na kapag dumating ka na sa tinatawag nilang "adulthood." Sobrang daming bagay ang kailangang i-consider at pabigat din ng pabigat ang bawat responsibilidad. Habang patuloy akong naeexpose sa napakalaking mundo, lumiit naman ang tingin ko sa sarili ko.

As days go by, it becomes too hard to navigate yourself to what you want because you have to conform to society's practicality—until the time comes, when you've forgotten what you really want.

"Anong gusto mong mangyari, Ms. Carreon?"

Nagtagal ang tingin ko kay Mrs. Mababangloob. This person in front of me doesn't care about the memo that the admin sent out. She'll do what she wants to.

I was in the middle of covering the amazing race earlier when I read Jenna's text about Mrs. Mababangloob's remedial exam 50 minutes ago. I was out of breath when I got to the hallway. Even so, I kept running until I got to Mrs. Mababangloob's lecture room. Naabutan ko ang mga kaklase kong nagpapasa na ng kanilang test papers.

"Please let me take the remedial exam. I'm really sorry. I thought the class was suspended!"

She stared at me for a moment before slowly opening her fan and waving it with calculated movements. Hindi ko mabasa ang expression ng mukha niya. Ang tanging alam ko lang ay hindi siya natutuwa sa akin.

"Ms. Carreon, do you think apologies can undo irresponsibility? A simple 'I'm sorry' does not magically change the rules." Her voice was cold.

"Ma'am, please... I can't afford to fail this class. I—"

"Then maybe you should have prioritized your studies," she snapped, her fan suddenly still. "But instead, you've been running around, playing reporter, wearing that press ID like a badge of honor as if it will save you from consequences."

"Hindi po sa ganun... " I protested, my voice trembling. "I have to work hard for the school publication because they are my sponsor! I need my scholarship to keep studying and—"

She closed her fan with a sharp snap silencing me once more. "Do you think I don't understand hardship, Ms. Carreon? Let me tell you something. I was once like you. A student juggling academics and my so-called 'passions.' I was president of an organization, leader of this and that, thinking I could do it all."

Nagulat ako nang magkuwento siya ng personal niyang buhay. Hindi ako nakasagot.

"And do you know what happened? I failed. Miserably. I had to repeat a year and lost the future I thought I had because I was too distracted chasing things that didn't matter when it counted."

Lumapit siya ng isang hakbang, matalim ang tingin na nakatuon sa akin. "You're spreading yourself too thin, Ms. Carreon. And one day, when you realize you've let your responsibilities slip through your fingers, it will be too late. Or do you think your excuses will help you then?"

"Hindi ako gano'n. I won't be like you," mahina kong bulong, ramdam ang pagbigat ng dibdib ko.

Bahagya niyang iniling ang ulo niya. Mas tumatalas ang ekspresyon sa kanyang mukha.

"Aren't you? Look at yourself. Gasping for air, scrambling to beg for a chance. You have potential, but potential means nothing if you waste it on distractions. You think this is hard now? Life gets worse, Ms. Carreon. If you don't learn to focus, to fight for what really matters, you'll drown."

Wala akong nagawa kundi tumayo lamang doon habang ramdam ko ang unti-unting pag-init ng mga mata ko.

"If studying is your priority, then act like it is," dagdag pa niya, bahagyang lumambot ang boses niya. "Don't let those stupid orgs drag you down the way mine did."

And with that, she walked away. Leaving me standing in the hallway with her words still echoing in my mind.

I walked to the publication office dala-dala ang bigat ng sinabi ni Mrs. Mababangloob. Pagpasok ko sa opisina hindi ko magawang tumingin sa kahit na kanino. Nagmamadali akong pumunta sa task board, pilit na umiiwas sa kahit anong usapan.

Tiningnan ko ang mga naka-pin na articles, hoping na kahit papano makakalimutan ko ang lahat ng sinabi niya. Inisa-isa ko iyong chineck para maipasa na layouting na inirurush ni Nash today.

Mas lalong sumikip ang dibdib ko habang nagbabasa. Hindi ba talaga nila tutulungan ang sarili nilang mag-improved? If it wasn't too short like a cutline, it was too long like an essay. Pakiramdam ko ako na naman ang may kailangang gumawa nito. I wanted to cry but then... I can't.

I kept myself busy for the remaining hours of the day. Sobrang bigat pa rin ng dibdib ko kaya hanggang kaya kong magtrabaho, okay lang. Huwag ko lang maalala ang nangyari kanina.

Madilim na sa labas, pasado alas-sais siguro nang pumasok sina Stephanie and Odette, mga trainees. I took off my earphone and signaled Odette to come to me. When she got closer, I showed her the three articles full of red marks, inconsistent punctuation, redundant phrases, misspelled names, etc.

"Okay na, Rayne?" she asked as if she didn't see those corrections. "Thank you talaga! Ibabalik ko na lang bukas yung revision," she even said cheerfully.

God, I hated it!

"Hindi mo ba talaga ito seseryosohin, Odette?"

Nagbago ang timpla ng mukha niya. "Ate Rayne, kasi... nandiyan na po yung sundo ko. Ipapasa ko na lang po nang mas maaga bukas."

That's it. I'm done.

"Hindi ka ba talaga marunong makiramdam?" I snap. "Lahat ng articles na pinapasa mo—" I faced the other trainees who were having snacks when I hadn't even gotten my lunch because of editing their articles, "—kayo, puro bare-minimum. You can't even use proper punctuation. Wrong position sa ibang board of regent? And you call yourself a journalist? Nagagawa n'yo pang tumawa? You guys think this is funny—?"

"Hey, Rayne... Anong meron?"

"—Napapagod na kong magrewrite ng articles n'yo... Kahapon pa ang deadlines ng mga yan... pati na rin yung literary n'yo para sa magazine, yet no one even pass? If you're not committed enough to this org, do you think you'd pass my evaluation? "

"Rayne... calm down. What's happening?" tiningnan ko ang pinanggalingan ng boses.

Nash's disappointment was palpable and I could feel it as I tried to gather my thoughts and regain my composure. I let out a deep sigh hoping to calm myself but it didn't help. My body was still tense and I could feel my teeth gritting.

I turned to them again. Nakayuko ang mga trainees, walang gustong tumingin sa akin. Oddette is getting teary-eyed. Hinaplos ni Stepannie ang likod nya upang patahanin ito. Nash was the only one who met my gaze. I clutched the papers tightly in my hand as if they were a shield against Nash's disapproving looks.

"Anong nangyayari dito?" Nash asked again, this time he was asking the trainees.

Nang walang sumagot ay naglakad siya papalapit sa akin. I quickly fixed up the articles and put them inside my file case. Bago pa siya tuluyang makalapit I made my way out of the office hoping to put some distance between myself and him. But he followed me. His hand reached out to touch my arm.

Madilim na sa hallway dahil sa papalubog na ang araw. Kapag may pasok nang ganitong oras ay punong-puno pa ng tao sa hallway ngunit dahil sa events, tanging kaming dalawa lamang ang tao doon.

"Rayne, sandali..." he asked, mahina lang ang boses niya. "Are you okay? May nangyari ba?"

"Huwag mo kong susundan," I said, shrugging off his touch saka muling naglakad papalayo sa kaniya.

Just please, stop Nash.

"Hey... wait up. Are you okay?" he continued, his voice still gentle and concerned.

Lakad-takbo ang ginawa ko para hindi niya ako maabutan ngunit mabilis siya. Nauna siya sa akin saka hinarang ang dalawang kamay niya. I stopped walking. He looked at me, he's starting to get pissed.

"Rayne, sandali naman."

I didn't wanna meet his gaze, so I looked away. "Wala nga, Nash. Basta. Okay na?"

"Pwede ba yon? Nagalit ka ng wala lang? I know you. Hindi ka naman magagalit sa kanila ng wala lang."

Hinarap ko siya. "Nash, pwede ba? Wag ngayon."

"Rayne, can you at least stop walking and talk to me? Sandali lang please..."

"Wala nga, Nash. Pwedeng bang huwag mo muna kong kausapin? Can I at least sort out my feelings? Kaya ko na ang sarili ko," I said, my voice cold and distant.

Mabilis na nagbago ang ekspresyon sa mukha niya. "I'm just—I'm worried. I'm sorry."

I don't know why withdrawing myself from him—from the people who cared—is more convenient than telling them what I feel.

"Ang hirap kasi sayo tingin mo kaya mong ayusin lahat—tingin mo kaya mong sagipin lahat."

I can't control what comes out of my mouth. All I know is that I want to protect myself... even if it meant hurting him.

Rumehistro ang sakit sa mga mata niya. "Teka lang naman, Rayne. Saan ba nang gagaling yang galit mo? Nag-aalala lang naman ako sayo..." mahina at maamo pa rin ang boses niya. "Alam kong hindi ka ganyan. There must be a problem kaya ka nagkakaganyan."

I shook my head, feeling the tears prickling at the corners of my eyes. "No, Nash. You kept on showing! Nandiyan ka tuwing mahina ako. Nandiyan ka tuwing iiyak ako. Tangina. Bakit? Hanggang kailan 'yan?"

Ayokong magpakita ulit ng kahinaan ulit sa harapan niya, but the emotions were too much to bear. But still, I can't cry. Pinigilan ko iyon sa abot ng makakaya ko.

Humakbang siya pero umatras ako. Sandali siyang natigilan sa ginawa kong pag-iwas.

He looked at me with pain written in his eyes. "Because I care about you. Ano bang problema, Rayne? Okay naman tayo kanina ah. Please let me help."

Umiling ako. "Tama na, Nash. Wag mo na kong saluhin. Please stop... just please stop saving me."

Mapait siyang ngumiti. "Rayne... Hindi kita kayang sagipin dahil ikaw lang ang makakagawa niyan sa sarili mo. Pero nandito ako... Pwede mo akong kapitan kung pagod ka na. So please, if you can't talk about it, can I at least take you home. Umuwi na lang tayo."

"Hindi mo ba talaga naiintidihan? Tama na, Nash!"

Umigting ang panga niya. Marahas niyang ginulo ang buhok dala na rin ng frustration.

"Kasi hindi mo sakin pinaiintindi.... Hindi mo sinasabi. Wag mo naman solohin, Rayne. Ang daya naman," nanginginig ang boses niya.  Muli siyang humakbang papalapit. "Sabi mo I deserve to walk on your door..." mapait siyang tumawa, "pero bakit naman ganito? Sa tuwing bubuksan ko may panibagong pintong bubungad sa'kin? Ilang pinto pa ba? Hindi ka naman nag-iisa ah. Nandito ako, kami. Please stop pushing us," he said, his voice gentler now... trying to be calm.

"But I want to be alone," I said coldly.

The truth was, I didn't know why I feel this way. One moment, I'm fine. I'm going about my day, doing my daily routine and feeling like I've got everything under control. But then, in an instant, something changes. Maybe it's a small comment from someone or a memory that suddenly resurfaces and suddenly I'm not fine anymore.

It's like a switch has been flipped and I'm drowning. Like no matter how hard I try to swim to the shore, I can't seem to make it. What's worst is it's hard to explain to others who haven't experienced it and I feel like I'm a burden to them when I try to talk about it. So I try to push through it on my own, but it's exhausting.

Nash's next words cut through my wandering thoughts. "Rayne, let me in. Hindi ka nag-iisa."

The way he said it... soft and gentle, made me feel even more alone. Because if he really knew me, if he really understood what was going on inside my head, he would know that I was always alone. I felt a pinch of guilt and sadness in my chest but I pushed it away.

I guess I'm just convincing myself that I'm strong because, really, all I want is for them to see the tears I'm holding back.

To read the words I can't bring myself to utter.

How I wish I could just let them in. That I can just surrender the battle so I can sit somewhere and tend to my wounds. How I wish I have it in me to drop my guard and accept the help I know I deserve.

I let out a sad smile. "Ako ang problema, Nash. It's always been me, so let me go. I don't know how to love myself anymore... I don't know how to continue without this pain, this grief. I can't. I don't deserve any of you. Madadamay lang kayo."

"Sinubukan mo ba?" he asked, with a voice so low that I'm not even sure if it was meant for me.

"No," I answered, choosing not to explain further. But even as the words left my lips, I knew that it wasn't the whole truth. God knows how much I tried but my own self-hatred was suffocating me.

I stared at Nash, hoping to find some kind of comfort in his eyes... looking for the small tiny hope he'd understand why I was like this and where I was coming from... but all I could see was disappointment and pity.

Everything fell silent. It felt like he was looking at me like I was some kind of charity case. A basket case. I didn't let go of his eyes, but he looked away.

"Alam mo ang mali sayo? Sa sobrang takot mong mahalin ng iba, pati sarili mo hindi mo hinayaang mahalin ka. Kung kaya ko lang ipahiram ang mga mata ko para makita mo ang sarili mo," aniya.

Pumatak ang luha ko. I tried to wipe it off habang hindi siya nakatingin para hindi niya makitang nasaktan ako sa sinabi niya. He looked at me, his eyes were so intense and it felt like he could see everything that I had been hiding inside.

"Look at you, you are so afraid to love yourself that you've accepted even the disappointment of the people around you... that you've locked yourself in that tall towers of yours. Para sa huli, kapag pagod na kaming akyatin ka, may iba ka nang sisiihin dahil sinukuan ka."

Parang tumigil ang paghinga ko. Oo, tama siya na hindi ko magawang mahalin ang sarili ko. But God knows it wasn't the reason why. Hindi ko kailangan ng taong sisisihin. I already have myself for that.

I bit my lip and swallowed hard. Hearing it out loud from someone who I looked up to make it all the more painful than it already was. It felt like he was pointing out my biggest flaw, my biggest fear.

Umiling ako. "Hindit totoo iyan... Mali ka. Wala akong sinisisi." Umiling ako nang paulit-ulit. Bumuhos ang mga luha. "Hindi ko magawang mahalin ang sarili ko kasi baka kapag sinubukan ko... I would realize why Jace and mama left me... that I might know how hard I am to love and to be with."

Pinunasan ko ang mga luhang walang tigil sa pagtulo. Hinanap ko ang mga mata niya. I can instantly see regrets in it but its fine. I am too much I know. I smiled at him even when my tears kept on falling.

"Sanay na ako sukuan ng lahat ng tao sa paligid ko, Nash. Kaya kung susuko ka hindi na bago 'yon."

Gamit ang natitira kong lakas ay tinalikuran ko siya. I could still hear his voice calling but I didn't mind it. I walked fast towards the rooftop, this time making sure he couldn't find me. When I reached the top, I heaved the deepest sigh I could ever muster, as if it was my last. I closed my eyes as tears slowly fell down my cheeks. I lose my balance and settled on the floor.

"Ah!" I shouted, unable to hold back my anger at the world any longer. "Ayoko na!" I cried hard.

I shout all the dreams I've given up just to continue breathing... just to continue supporting this unhappy life of mine.

Sabi nila malayo pa pero malayo ka na sa kung nasaan ka noon pero sa tuwing tumitingin ako sa kahapon nandoon pa rin ako. The 'Rayne' who's until now stucked it her past. Ako pa rin ito. I kept telling myself I wanted to let go, but how... if all I knew all my life was to hold to this pain for Jace's, for my father, and for that little spark of hope so that I could keep on going?

That night, I wept for another dream I had lost as a kaleidoscope of colors burst into the sky, illuminating the darkness of Arrion.

It was beautiful—the fireworks. Pero kahit gaano pa kaganda iyon, hindi iyon nakatulong upang mawala ang bigat na nakabara sa dibdib ko.

The explosions were loud, but they didn't drown out the voices in my head. The one who keeps on telling me how big of a disappointment i am.

Instead, it made me feel small and insignificant, like a tiny speck of dust in this vast universe. Like I didn't mean anything. I bet no one would know if I just vanished.

I just want to disappear, to be swallowed by the darkness and be forgotten.

The fireworks continued to light up the sky and it was as if  were trying to break through the walls I had built around my heart to make me feel something other than this crushing loneliness and pain.

I closed my eyes and wished for a way out. A way to stop time, to freeze this pain.

But the fireworks kept exploding, reminding me that time was still moving forward, whether I wanted it to or not.

"Happy birthday, Avery Rayne," I whispered as I hugged my knees tightly, burying my face in between.

After the fireworks display, the eerie silence, the darkness and the uncertainty remain.

My sobs echoed in the silence and I felt like I was the only one in the world who was hurting.

I always hate birthdays because it feels like an end of my childhood and as I grow up, the lines will just get blurry and blurry, until nothing was left.

**Soundtrack: Peterpan Was Right by Anson Seabra