CHAPTER 13 - MOVING FORWARD

Humupa na ang ulan. Dumaan na ang bagyo. But the thing is, the storm in my heart hasn't settled yet. Pagkatapos naming mag-usap ni Nash kagabi, akala ko mabibigyang-linaw na ang lahat... akala ko makakatulong iyon, ngunit parang mas lalo lang lumabo.

Gusto kong mag-umpisa muli, ngunit hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan. Hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko ba... Do I even deserve a new start? Ang daming katanungan, ngunit ang alam ko lang ay sobrang bilis ng ikot ng mundo... at ayoko nang muling maiwan nito.

I spent the night thinking about the days that had passed. Kung paanong urong-sulong ang lahat ng desisyon ko sa buhay. May mga araw na gusto ko nang sumulong at humakbang paalis sa lusak na kinasasadlakan ko, ngunit palagi akong humihinto at hahakbang ulit paatras dahil sa takot.

Just when I thought I was starting to figure things out, it never worked because the rules kept changing. It feels like I'm stuck in a loop, and I don't know how to get out of it.

Maaga akong nagising, ngunit wala akong magawa kundi tumingin lang sa puting kisame at sa bombilyang nakakabit dito. Punong-puno ng katanungan ang isip ko, ngunit wala akong makuhang sagot.

"Bakit ang dali para sa kanila na tulungan ako, ngunit hindi ko magawa para sa sarili ko?"

That was one of the questions that kept bothering me. I need to figure this out alone before letting someone else paint my colors for me.

Tumagilid ako, pumikit, at pinilit na matulog ulit, ngunit nilayasan na ako ng antok. I heard my daily alarm ring. I chuckled—nauna pa ako sa alarm ko. Huminga ako nang malalim bago tuluyang maupo sa kama.

I closed my eyes. A glimpse of memory flashed in my mind. I remember that day when I was at the seaside with Nash.

"One wound at a time."

Nagmulat ako ng mata at saka nagpakawala ng maliit na ngiti sa labi. "One wound at a time," I whispered to myself as I prepared to get up.

I freshened up before going out of Nash's room. Sa sala siya natulog kagabi. I insisted na doon na lang ako, ngunit hindi siya pumayag, so I had no choice. Hindi ko maalala kung ilang beses akong nagpalit ng pwesto, kung ilang beses akong napapikit, pilit na tinutulak ang alaala ng halik na iyon sa isang sulok ng utak ko. But the more I tried to push it away, the more it consumed me.

We agreed to forget. He said it was nothing. I was full of emotion, as he was. Mali iyon. We both know that. Everything that happened last night—we agreed to forget.

Nasa pintuan na ako ng kwarto niya, hawak ko na ang doorknob, ngunit hindi ko magawang pihitin iyon. Mariin akong pumikit. 

"Forget about it, Rayne," bulong ko, ngunit mas lalo ko lang naalala ang nangyari kagabi.

That idea somehow comforted me, knowing how broken I was last night. Yet, it made me feel uneasy too. To be honest, I don't know. I'm confused. Part of me wants to forget it, but another part of me doesn't.

I have to let it go. Napapikit ako, nag-ipon ng lakas bago tuluyang naglakad. I dragged my fingers through my hair, trying to shake off the sleepiness. I had to act normal. I had to act like nothing happened. But my heart was pounding hard as I walked through.

"Good morning. Coffee?"

I almost jumped in surprise when he spoke. Nasa kusina siya, nakatalikod sa akin, flipping a slice of toast. He was wearing a white hoodie, sleeves slightly pushed up, revealing his wristwatch.

"Morning," I murmured, forcing my voice to sound casual.

"Let's eat." He smiled at me as if nothing had happened last night. As if I didn't cry my heart out in front of him.

Lumapit ako sa counter, taking a seat. He slid a plate in front of me. Nilapag niya sa harapan ko ang ginawang avocado toast and egg. 

"Ako na," I said.

"No, it's fine," he answered.

He took two coffee tumblers made of clear acrylic plastic. At sa harap ko siya gumawa ng iced coffee. Kahit nagtatrabaho ako sa isang cafe, it's still impossible not to be fascinated by how coffee is made.

"One for you..." inabot niya sa akin ang ginawa niya, "one for me." Then he sat beside me.

He placed mine in front of me. I stared at it. Then, accidentally, my fingers brushed against his. He pulled away too quickly. I blinked twice. I forced myself to pick up the tumbler, pretending I didn't notice his quick reaction. But then, my gaze landed on the message written on the cup.

This coffee will make you smile.

Those words lifted my heart.

"Have you seen Vashnee's chat?" he asked while taking a bite of his toast. He was referring to the groundbreaking event in Grimsfield.

I nodded. "Nabanggit na niya kahapon 'yung ico-cover sa Grimsfield. Si Ma'am Dela Vega na raw ang bahala sa excuse letter."

"I can't come. May lab activity kami ngayong umaga. Pero pwede akong humabol sa hapon, if you can take photos for me in the morning."

"P'wede naman akong mag-isa. Hihiram na lang ako ng DSLR kay Vash. Hindi naman problema 'yon."

Tiningnan niya ako ng matagal bago bumalik sa pagkain. Hindi siya umimik, tila napaisip sa sinabi ko. Nang matapos na kaming kumain, inayos ko na ang gamit ko at nagbihis ng damit na pinatuyo niya kahapon. He also finished getting ready for school.

Kahit anong pilit kong gawing normal ang umaga iyon, ramdam ko pa rin 'yung bigat sa dibdib ko. Ang awkward pa rin.

At alam kong nararamdaman din 'yon ni Nash. Tahimik siya. Hindi tulad ng dati. Hindi niya ako masyadong tinitingnan at maingat ang kilos niya parang iniingatan na huwag magtagpo ang mga mata namin.

Nang hinatid niya ako gamit ang motor niya, akala ko tapos na ang usapan namin. Pero bago pa ako tuluyang makaalis, inabot niya ulit ang iced coffee na halos hindi ko pa nabawasan kanina. Nilipat niya iyon sa isang insulated tumbler.

"You can have this," sabi niya, kaswal pero may kung anong lalim sa tono niya.

Tinanggap ko iyon at huminga nang malalim bago siya tiningnan. "Nash, salamat."

"Para saan?" tanong niya, halatang naguguluhan.

Yumuko ako, pilit na hinahanap ang tamang mga salita. "Sa pakikinig. Sa pag-intindi. At sa pagsama sa akin..."

Pero bago ko pa matapos ang iniisip ko, marahang inangat niya ang baba ko para magtama ang mga mata namin. I gave him a simple smile pero ramdam ko ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko dahil sa titig niya.

"Alam kong hindi ako madaling pakisamahan. Hindi ako madaling maging kaibigan—kaya, salamat," bulong ko, para bang kailangan kong ipaalam sa kanya kahit hindi niya iyon hinihingi.

Napakunot ang noo niya. "Sino'ng nagsabi sa'yong hindi ka madaling pakisamahan?"

Tinikom ko ang bibig ko. Ako. Ako mismo. I always said that to myself.

"Akala mo lang mahirap kang pakisamahan, pero sa totoo lang, masarap kang kasama," aniya, malalim ang titig niya, parang gusto niyang ipaintindi sa akin na totoo ang sinasabi niya. "Minsan, oo, siguro nga mahirap. You're too stubborn. Pero that's part of who you are. At tanggap kita kahit ganyan ka. Palagi mong tatandaan na katanggap-tanggap ka, higit pa sa sinasabi ng iba."

Napalunok ako. Parang may kung anong bumara sa lalamunan ko. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong isagot.

Tahimik lang akong nakatingin sa kanya, pero bago ko pa mapigilan, napatingin ako sa labi niya at mabilis ko iyong pinang sisihan.

Bumalik sa alaala ko ang nangyari kagabi. Napakagat ako sa labi ko at agad na umiwas ng tingin, pero nang bumalik ang tingin ko sa kanya, doon ko lang napansin—pulang-pula siya.

At dahil doon, naramdaman kong namula na rin ako.

Kailangan ko siyang paalisin bago pa ako tuluyang lamunin ng hiya.

"Uhm..." Napalunok ako, saka ko lang napansin kung gaano kabilis ang tibok ng puso ko. "B-baka gusto mo nang umalis?"

Nash blinked. Ilang segundo siyang parang processing bago siya napakamot sa batok.  "I-I'll go ahead."

Nang tumalikod siya ay kitang-kita ko ang pamumula ng tenga niya. Pero bago pa siya tuluyang makasakay sa motor niya, sinulyapan niya ako ulit—isang tingin saka ngumiti.

That made my stomach turn even more. Napakagat ako sa labi ko at agad na tinalikuran siya.

At nang tuluyan na siyang umalis, napahawak ako sa dibdib ko dahil kahit wala na siya, hindi pa rin kumakalma ang puso ko.

Pagpasok ko sa bahay, wala doon si Papa. Sinilip ko ang mga manok niya sa likod ng bahay at tama nga ang hinala ko. He used the money I worked hard for a month on his cockfighting bets. Mabilis akong naglakad papunta sa kwarto para silipin ang tinago kong ipon sa box kasama ang mga relics ni Jace.

It was still there. Thank God!

Hindi pa rin ako nililisan ng ideya ng pag-alis. Ngunit hindi ko talaga masikmurang iwan si Papa mag-isa. I know I can be a little braver to move forward, but not brave enough to leave him.

Pagkatapos kong maggayak, dumiretso na ako sa school. I just wore an off-white sweater, black pants, and a green parka jacket. I also brought with me the coffee Nash gave me. I need it to stay awake.

Bago pumunta sa admin building kung saan ang meeting place namin, dumaan muna ako sa office para humiram ng camera. Naabutan ko doon sina Ciqa at Ynigo, nakatambay at walang pasok. Since wala naman doon si Vash, kay Ciqatrix ako nagpapirma ng borrower's slip.

"Akala ko ba kasama si Nash?" tanong ni Ciqa.

I shrugged. "May lab activity daw siya."

Ciqa smirked. "Ah, 'yung kay Sir Del Rosario." Umiling-iling pa siya. "I almost got zero on that activity. Pina-hack sa amin 'yong system ng school."

"Na-hack mo?" tanong ni Ynigo.

Umiling si Ciqa. "Almost."

Inabot niya sa akin ang napirmahang borrower's slip at ang DSLR ng pub. I wore my press ID. I was about to leave when the door opened and Nash appeared in front of me.

"Tara na," bungad niya sa akin.

"Akala ko ba may lab ka?" tanong ni Ciqa.

Pumasok si Nash at nilampasan ako. "Tapos na. Easy peasy!" Dumiretso siya sa table niya at kumuha ng film.

"Gago ka! Seryoso? Anong department ang na-hack mo?" tanong ni Ciqa, hindi makapaniwala.

"Oo nga, admin building," Nash smirked.

"Lodi ka, boss," ani Ciqa.

Nash chuckled. Natapos na siya sa pag-aayos ng film camera niya. He also wore his press ID bago lumapit sa akin. Sandali siyang tumitig sa hawak kong tumbler saka unti-unting napangiti.

Hindi ko iyon pinansin at nagpaalam na kina Ciqa. "We'll go ahead."

Nginitian niya ako na parang nang-aasar.

"Kailangang terno kapag magko-cover?" hirit ni Ynigo sa gilid.

Kunot-noo akong napatingin sa suot namin. Dahil umulan kanina, sinuot ko ang green na parka jacket na dala ko, at nakaibabaw iyon sa off-white sweater. Nash, on the other hand, was wearing his army green denim jacket with a white hoodie underneath. Pareho kaming naka-black pants. Napairap ako nang mapagtanto.

"Coincidence," I murmured.

Ciqa and Ynigo grinned.

"Coincidence? Same tumbler? Sana all!" hirit ni Ciqa.

Pareho kaming umiling ni Nash, hindi na pinansin ang hirit nila. Nagpaalam kami saka naglakad papunta sa admin building. Pagdating namin, saktong papasok na sina Ma'am Dela Vega sa coaster. She assisted us to our seats. Sa tabi ng bintana ako pumwesto, at sa tabi ko naman si Nash.

Nang makaalis na kami, hinanap ko ang earphone ko sa bag para sana isuot, ngunit wala iyon doon. I kept on searching for it, pero wala talaga. Nash offered me his, but I refused. Isa't kalahating oras ang layo ng Grimsfield mula Mystown kapag coaster ang sasakyan. I couldn't afford to stay still without music for that long.

Isang malalim na buntong-hininga ang pinakawalan ko nang mapagtantong wala talaga ang earphone ko.

"Wala ka nang choice," sabi ni Nash.

Nilingon ko ang katabi ko habang inaabot niya sa akin ang isang pares ng earbuds niya. I rolled my eyes. Kung kaya ko lang tiisin na walang music, hindi ko sana iyon tatanggapin. Kaso tama siya. Wala na akong choice. I put the earbuds in my ears and then closed my eyes. I savored his music taste for an hour.

Nang magmulat ako ng mata, sinalubong ako ng maliwanag na sikat ng araw. Inalis ko ang ulo ko sa pagkakapatong sa balikat ni Nash. Hindi ko napansing nakatulog ako. Nang mapatingin ako sa bintana, nasa bayan na kami ng Grimsfield.

The most common sight in Grimsfield was the wide rice fields and the mountains covered with grassland. Gumuhit ang tipid na ngiti sa labi ko. Ang tahimik ng lugar na ito kumpara sa siyudad ng Mystown. Magkakalayo ang mga bahay na nadadaanan namin, at ang aliwalas ng kapaligiran.

"10 minutes before the town proper," bulong ni Nash sa tabi ko.

Nilingon ko siya at tumango. I settled into my seat while still gazing at the breathtaking landscape. Makalipas ang ilang sandali, nakarating kami sa sinasabi ni Nash na town proper. Dumiretso kami sa municipyo, kung saan naghihintay si Mayor Escajeda.

Mayor Adolpho Escajeda was the one who donated land to Arion. Kaya naman nakapagdesisyon ang administration na magbukas ng College of Agriculture and Crop Science sa Grimsfield. Ang balita ng karamihan, may balak itong magtayo ng Real Estate at gawing industrial land ang karamihan sa agricultural land sa Grimsfield.

The Arion campus was like his salvation—to redeem his image to the citizens of Grimsfield.

Pagkatapos ng ilang sandaling pag-uusap nina President Quirino at Mayor Escajeda, tumuloy na kami sa compound kung saan ang venue ng groundbreaking.

Pagkababa sa coaster, sumunod na kami kina Ma'am Dela Vega. Nauuna ako, samantalang nasa likod ko naman si Nash. Tirik na ang araw, kaya masakit na iyon sa balat. Iginala ko ang paningin sa kapaligiran—sobrang laking lupain ang idinonate ni Mayor sa Arion kaya medyo may kalayuan ang mismong venue.

"Rayne," tawag ni Nash. Huminto ako at inintay siyang makalapit. "Suotin mo 'to."

Isinuot niya sa akin ang itim na baseball cap na dala niya. Sandali ko siyang tinitigan. Namumuo na rin ang pawis sa noo niya dahil sa tirik na sikat ng araw, pero nagawa pa niyang ipahiram ang sumbrero niya sa akin.

"Tubig?" tanong niya.

"Mamaya na lang."

Nagpatuloy kami sa paglalakad hanggang makarating sa pinakang venue. May tent doon na naka-set up, at may mga tauhan na rin ni Mayor Escajeda na nauna. May iilang citizen journalists din ang naroon. Iginala ko ang mata para makita ang kabuuan ng lugar.

Gumuhit ang katanungan sa aking mukha nang matanaw ko ang isang pamilyar na lalaki. Kung susumahin, mukhang nasa edad singkuwenta na ito. Sa dalawang taong hindi namin pagkikita, mas lalo pang nadepina ang katandaan niya. Nagtagpo ang mga mata namin, at isang tipid na ngiti ang iginawad niya sa akin.

It was Jace's father, Pastor Francis Ballesteros. Ang huling beses na nagkita kami ay noong inilibing ang labi ni Jace. After that, I never heard any news about him.

Pastor Francis was the one who prayed for the land. In the middle of his preaching, I walked toward Ma'am Dela Vega to ask her some questions while Nash took photos of the event.

Naupo ako sa pinakadulong upuan. Sa harapan ko, nakaupo si Ma'am Dela Vega at ilang kasamahan ni Mayor Escajeda.

"Dito na pala nalipat si Pastor Francis?" bulong ni Ma'am Dela Vega.

Nagpanggap akong nakikinig sa preaching, pero ang tenga ko ay nakatuon sa usapan nila sa aking harapan.

"Iniwan na ni Pastor Francis ang church na pinamamahalaan niya sa Mystown. He moved here to Grimsfield for good."

"Sobrang hirap siguro nang dinanas niya pagkatapos magpakamatay ng unico-hijo niya," sabi ng isa.

"Sayang na bata talaga iyang si Jace," dagdag pa ng kasama.

I cleared my throat to let them know I was behind them. Bahagyang lumingon si Ma'am Dela Vega at tila natigilan nang makita ako. Bumalik siya sa kanyang posisyon at hindi na muling nagsalita.

I hated the look in their eyes while they were talking about Pastor Francis. You know, how sorry they were but how glad they were that it wasn't them. Let's face it—that goes through people's minds.

Nang matapos ang buong program ng groundbreaking, lumapit na sa akin si Nash at iniabot ang isang bote ng tubig. Bago niya tuluyang iabot iyon, binuksan muna niya. Naupo kami sa lilim ng puno ng mangga, may hindi kalayuan sa mismong venue.

"Salamat," sabi ko saka uminom.

Iginala ko ang mata para hanapin si Pastor Francis. I saw him leaning on a tree close to us. Binalik ko ang bote ng tubig kay Nash.

"Sandali lang... babalik ako."

Hindi ko na hinintay ang sasabihin niya at naglakad na ako papunta kay Pastor Francis. Ramdam ko ang pagsunod ni Nash, pero hindi ko na siya pinansin. Nakita ni Pastor Francis na papalapit kami, kaya nakangiti niyang sinalubong kami.

Nagmano ako, sumunod din si Nash. "Kumusta po?"

"Magandang tanghali po," bati naman ni Nash.

"Magandang tanghali din, hijo," he replied, giving Nash a slight smile before glancing at me. "Ang tagal mong hindi napadalaw, hija."

I nodded. "Hindi ko po kasi alam na lumipat na pala kayo ng bayan. Ang akala ko po ay sa dati pa rin kayo nakatira."

"Kailangan, Rayne. Para mabawasan ang sakit."

"Dalawang taon na po."

"Sobrang bilis ng panahon. Dati-rati'y naaabutan ko kayong nag-aagawan sa duyan sa likod-bahay."

I smiled, remembering our banters. "Sadly, he's gone too soon." Nangilid ang luha ko. I looked up to stop them from falling. Dapat kagabi pa naubos ang mga ito.

Nabalot ng katahimikan ang paligid. Nakatitig lang ako sa malayo.

"Honestly, until now, I still haven't grieved properly. I still can't accept it," Pastor Francis said in a hoarse voice. "My son excelled academically, had lots of friends, including you, and was living comfortably. Even though he worked hard for his grades, he hadn't had to struggle for most of his young life."

"I know he became severely depressed after that hazing incident, but I didn't know what that meant," he continued. "I didn't know what depression looked like. Alam ko... anumang pagkakamali na nagawa ko bilang magulang ay hindi ko sinasadya. They were done because I thought it was the right thing to do," he said. "But still, I failed as his father."

Jace's death left an enormous hole in our hearts. Even though I went through hard times, especially in the beginning, I still can't watch a video of the two of us laughing. I don't know how long it took me before I could even look at a picture of him without feeling crushed. Until one day... I woke up and realized I had to live with it. But that doesn't mean the grief gets smaller. It's just that you grow big enough around it to start being able to manage it.

"People call him selfish... weak... not saved." Bakas sa boses ni Pastor ang sakit.

Umiling ako at huminga ng malalim bago nagsalita.

"What he did... I don't think it's selfish. Many of those who kill themselves think they'll be a burden to their loved ones for the rest of their lives, and everyone would be better off without them," I whispered. "He must have reached a point where he couldn't see anything except the path out of his suffering."

Ngumiti siya. "Alam ko... My Jace didn't want to die," Pastor Francis said between deep sighs. "He just didn't see any other way out. He needed an escape."

"Pastor, paano n'yo po nagagawang ikwento ang lahat ng ito sa akin?" nanginginig ang boses ko.

He was one of the few men I'd never seen overpowered by emotion. Pero kung may isang pinakang nasaktan sa pagkawala ni Jace, alam kong iyon ay ang papa niya.

"I've been very open about his death and his suicide. What I've found is that many people came to me with similar stories. Maybe it wasn't their child, but they've had suicide in their family," he said, looking afar. "I was amazed at how many people have been touched by suicide. I think they just don't talk about it because they don't know how others will react. As for me, I want to talk about it because I want people to know it can affect anybody."

"The rain falls on everybody, right? It doesn't matter how good, how bad, how rich, how poor—even if you're a Christian—none of that matters..." Ramdam na ramdam ko ang panginginig sa boses niya. "I continue to talk about his death because, somehow, I believe it made a difference and still can. Because honestly, Jace's death changed me. It changed my beliefs. It probably changed you too. It changed us to be better people, to strive for a world he would never want to escape from."

Pinunas ko ang luhang dumaloy sa aking pisngi. Akala ko kaya ko nang pag-usapan ang tungkol sa paglisan ni Jace. I thought my heart was brave enough to handle this kind of conversation, but I still can't. I slowly hid my face behind my palm as I tried to stop the tears from falling.

Pastor Francis looked at me. Pain crept into his eyes. He was very strong—one of those people who knows how to talk about things like that, especially when it comes to the death of his own son.

"Alam kong masakit, hija. Pero kung hindi ko babanggitin... kung hindi ko ikukwento... baka makalimutan ko ring may sugat na kailangan akong gamutin. Healing only begins when we acknowledge that we are broken and we have wounds to patch up."

Alam ko naman iyon. But some things cannot be just fixed. They can only be carried. Just like the wound Jace left us. I remember crying so loud while the world was in its most silent state. The rest of the world was healing while I was on the verge of breaking.

"Malinaw na hindi natin alam ang lahat ng dahilan ng bawat pagpapatiwakal. Ang Panginoon lang ang nakakaalam ng lahat, at siya ang hahatol sa ating mga ginagawa dito sa lupa. Sana, Rayne... may you never allow the suffering to take away your faith and hope in the Lord, that even in the seasons of darkness, keep believing that the Lord is there."

Iyon ang mga iniwang salita ni Pastor Francis sa akin bago siya tuluyang umalis. Naiwan ako sa ilalim ng puno ng mangga, nakatingin sa papalayong bulto niya. Unti-unting nanlabo ang mga mata ko dahil sa luha.

Nawala ang imahe ni Pastor Francis at napalitan iyon ng bulto ni Nash sa harapan ko. He gave me a gentle pat on the head.

I looked him in the eyes. "Do I really have to move on in order to move forward?" I asked him.

Humugot siya ng malalim na buntong-hininga. He leaned his back on the mango tree beside me.

"It's a long process, Rayne. Moving forward means being emotionally present. At kung hindi ka magmo-move on... you'll never be emotionally present."

Nabalot kami ng sandaling katahimikan. I also leaned on the tree, nasa magkabilang likod kami ng mangga. The silence that enveloped us was eventually broken by his words.

"When Mama died, I realized that grief is all the colors that we failed to get out of our system... the love that we failed to give to them when they were still here beside us. Kung hahayaan mo ang sarili mong makulong sa mga pagmamahal na iyon... wala kang maibibigay sa iba... wala kang maibibigay sa sarili mo."

Umiling ako kahit alam kong hindi naman niya makikita.

"I once told myself I'll get over it. I will continue moving forward. I will heal without receiving the truth, without having the justice that Jace deserved. Pero hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko masikmura. I want to heal because I don't want to stay this damaged forever. Pero hindi ko kayang walang gawin para makuha ang katarungan sa nangyari..." I looked at him. He was looking at me now, intently. "Kahit pa maubos ako."

Si Jace... siya lang ang meron ako.

Nash blew a loud breath before explaining his point.

"Paano kung hindi mo makuha ang hustisyang hinahangad mo?" aniya. "Grief will eat you up until you no longer recognize who you are... until all the chances to move forward are gone. You'll be forever stuck in this loop."

Muling nangilid ang luha sa mga mata ko, ngunit pinigilan ko iyon.

"Kahit sarili ko... hindi ko na rin kilala. All I have are echoing self-blames for not helping him. I still regret never telling him how he changed my life and how his passing turned my life around. Getting the justice he deserves is the only way to healing. His peace is my only salvation."

Napailing siya. I smiled at him, genuinely.

"Maybe after that, I can finally make amends for his absence and forgive myself too."