CHAPTER 12 - MONOCHROMATIC LIFE

The rain continued to descend from the earth. If only water could wash away the pain, I'll stay under the rain forever. I will dance and let it wash off all my worries and pain until the last drop of rain descended from the clouds. But it wouldn't. Because even the rain is never meant to stay for long anyway.

As soon as our eyes met, he looked at me with a worried expression.

"What happened, Rayne? Are you okay?"

Naupo siya para pantayan ako. Kinuha niya ang backpack niya sa likod, saka binuksan iyon at maingat na inilagay doon ang hawak niyang pusa. Hindi niya sinarado nang buo para makahinga ito nang maayos. Isinuot niya ang backpack sa harapan saka muling ibinalik ang tingin sa akin.

He let out a shaky sigh when I didn't answer. "Hey... answer me. Anong nangyari?" His voice was quiet

Napaawang lang ang labi ko sa kaniya. Sinuklay niya gamit ang daliri ang kanyang buhok na basang-basa sa ulan habang patuloy akong pinapayuhan.

His brows knitted together. "Bakit ka nagpapaulan? Magkakasakit ka sa ginagawa mo..." He had this grim expression on his face but his voice was soft and lower.

Sinagot ko siya nang matalim na tingin. "Bakit nandito ka?!" bulong ko. Trying to hide the cracks in my voice.

"Pwede ba mamaya mo na tanungin iyan? Tara na muna sumilong sa waiting sched! Ang lakas na ng ulan!"

Basang-basa na siya ng ulan. I didn't budge off.

"Sumilong ka na. Gusto kong magpaulan," sagot ko saka itinulak ang kamay niyang may hawak na payong para siya naman ang hindi mabasa.

His cat meowed as if agreeing with me.

"Rayne... ang lakas na ng ulan."

"Alam ko," inirapan ko siya. "Hindi ako bulag. Nababasa na 'yung pusa mo. Umuwi ka na."

"Magkakasakit ka sa ginagawa mo... Ano bang iniisip mo?" His voice was still soft, but there was a quiet desperation in it.

Umiwas ako ng tingin at yumuko. I heaved a sigh to lessen the tightness in my chest.

I'm thinking of giving up.

Nilingon ko siyang muli kasabay ng pagbagsak ng luha ko ay ang pag-agos ng ulan sa pisngi ko. Alam kong hindi naman niya mapapansin. Sa lakas ng ulan, alam kong naghalo na ang mga luha ko sa patak noon.

When our eyes met I saw a glint of pain in his. His features softened a little. He licked his lips, as if choosing his next words carefully.

"Umuwi ka na, Nash. Iwan mo na ako. I don't need you here. Just pretend you didn't see me." I said it in between my sobs.

His jaw tightened and the softness in his face fades.

I hope he didn't notice the pain I'm trying to hide in my voice. His cat's cries and the rain drops are still deafening. It's impossible for him to notice.

"Rayne.... Huwag nang makulit." His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Ikaw 'yung makulit—"

"Ang lakas ng ulan... kumukulog na. Halika na, please?" He was shivering, as his shoulders were trembling slightly.

"Umuwi ka na!"

I clenched my fists. Wala akong pakialam kung magkakasakit ako o ano. All I want is for him to leave me alone. I don't need anyone here. I know I am a mess but I don't need anyone helping me.

I can save myself from my own chaos.

Napahinga siya nang malalim at muling sinuklay ang basang buhok gamit ang kamay niya. He stepped closer and reached for my wrist, trying to hand me the umbrella again. I yanked my hand back and, without thinking, pushed him with all the energy I had left.

Napatumba siya nang bahagya, pero agad ding nakabawi.

Kahit ako ay nagulat sa ginawa ko. "I-I'm sorry, but it was your fault!" I stammered, but my eyes widened as I looked at him.

He exhaled slowly, shaking his head. Alam kong naiinis na siya, pero hindi niya ako iniwan. Tahimik niyang pinulot ang payong na nahulog sa tabi ko at muling tumayo.

His presence towered over me, blocking the fiery drops of rain, the faint glow of the streetlights, and the cold wind. Dahan-dahan niyang isinara ang zipper ng bag niya pero iniwan ang maliit na butas para makahinga ang pusa.

"Napakahirap mong intindihin. You kept saying you don't need my help, but your eyes say otherwise."

My heart pounded because of his words. Hindi na ako makahanap ng salita na ibabato sa kaniya. My eyes heated as tears pooled behind it.

Bakit ba kasi kailangan pa niyang tulungan ako? Bakit kailangan niyang maging mabait sa akin gayong wala naman kaming pinagsamahan?

Pinanood ko siyang tumalikod at nagsimulang maglakad palayo. Hindi ko siya pinigilan. Hinayaan ko lang siyang mawala sa paningin ko, hanggang sa tanging naiwan ay ang malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan.

I glanced at the umbrella he left beside me. Napangiti ako, pero mapait. I want him gone. I know I do. Because why would he even care? Kung hindi ako part ng publication, malamang pinabayaan niya lang ako. 

Pinunasan ko ang pisngi ko kahit na alam kong basa na rin ito ng ulan.

They don't want to help. They just want to make themselves feel better. 

All. Of. Them.

I'd had enough trust. People are so manipulative and it scares me. I don't know who really wants to help me and those whose concerned just because they need an answer to their curiosities. Hindi ko alam kung sino ang dapat kong pagkatiwalaan pagkatapos ng lahat.

Humigpit ang yakap ko sa sarili ko. Gusto kong pigilan ang mga luhang namumuo sa mata ko. I closed my eyes, hoping the pain would subside.

Narinig ko ang pagdaan ng ilang tricycle, pero hindi ako kumilos para pumara ng masasakyan. My knees were already weak, and my body was trembling from the cold. Gusto kong gumalaw, pero kahit ang katawan ko, tila sumuko na rin.

Nagmulat ako nang maramdaman kong may bumalot sa akin ng isang winter jacket. Mabigat ang talukap ng mata ko, pero pinilit kong idilat ito.

My breath hitched when I saw Nash kneeling beside me, his eyes gentle yet firm.

"Rayne... tara na," bulong niya.

"Umuwi ka na!" Wala na akong lakas.

He shook his head. Unti-unti niya akong binuhat sa bisig niya. Wala na akong lakas para kumawala pa.

"Just... go." I kept on saying in between my sobs but he didn't listen.

"I can't leave you here." His voice was soft as if he was scared I would push him again.

"Why... Why are you helping me?"

The side of his lips rose. "Because I can see my old self in you... I don't want you to experience what I've been through."

Tahimik lang ako hanggang sa huminto kami sa tapat ng isang Fortuner na maroon. Ibinaba niya ako sa passenger seat. Sandali niya akong tinitigan pero umiwas ako ng tingin at itinuon iyon sa bintana.

He heaved a sigh and saka siya umikot sa driver's seat at nagsimulang magmaneho.

We are enveloped with deafening silence as we traveled. Tuloy lang ang pagbuhos ng ulan. Mabilis na dumadaan sa pangingin ko ang mga bahay na nadadaanan namin. Niyakap ko ng mas mahigpit sa aking sarili ang winter jacket na ibinigay niya. Unti-unti ko nang pinagsisihang nagpaulan ko dahil sa lamig.

Nilingon niya ako. "Malamig pa ba?" tanong niya saka mas lalong pinahinaan ang aircon.

Hindi ko siya sinagot. Ibinalik niya ang tingin sa daan, tila sanay na sa hindi ko pagsagot. Tahimik lang kaming pareho.

Ipinikit ko ang mata ko, pero mabilis ding napamulat nang bigla siyang mabilis na pumreno.

"Huwag kang matulog," mahina pero matigas niyang sabi nang lingunin ko siya.

"Hindi ako natutulog. Pumikit lang ako," irap ko, pilit na iniiwasan ang panginginig ng boses ko.

"I'm just making sure." Sandali niya akong sinilip bago muling itinuon ang atensyon sa daan. "Okay lang ba na idaan ko muna si Miming sa vet clinic ni Ate?" Sinilip niya ang likod, kung saan nakahiga ang basang pusa. "Tapos hihiram na rin tayo ng damit para sayo bago kita ihatid."

"It's fine," sagot ko, bahagyang kumunot ang noo. "Bakit kailangan mo pang magpaalam? Ikaw naman ang nagda-drive."

He chuckled, pero hindi ito umabot sa mga mata niya. "I just wanna let you know. Baka mamaya sabihin mo kung saan-saan kita dinadala."

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa bintana. "Huwag na."

"Huwag nang ano?"

"Sa bahay na lang ako magpapalit. Huwag mo na 'kong iheram ng damit."

"Ang tigas talaga ng ulo mo..." Umiling siya, pero halata sa boses niya ang pagod. "Maawa ka naman sa sarili mo. Alam kong kanina ka pa nanginginig sa lamig."

Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga. "Hindi mo kailangan gawin 'to. Bakit mo ba talaga ako tinutulungan? Anong makukuha mo?" Medyo tumaas ang boses ko.

"Ito na naman tayo, Rayne... I just want to help—" his voice was softer this time, but there was something heavy in it.

"There should be a reason! Imposible namang gusto mo lang tumulong kaya mo ginagawa 'to!"

"Anong imposible doon?" kalmado pero matigas niyang tanong.

"Naririnig mo ba 'yang sarili mo? Do you want to help me? Magkalaban tayo sa posisyon bilang EIC! Anong makukuha mo kung tutulungan mo ako?"

Nagpigil siya ng buntong-hininga, hinigpitan ang hawak sa manibela.

"Kalaban?" he repeated, almost to himself.

Muntik nang mapawi ang ngiti niya. "You really think of me as your opponent?"

"Yes! And as long as you're my opponent... I'll never see you as a friend. Malay ko ba kung kaya ka lang tumutulong sa akin dahil may ibang balak ka."

Halos mapapikit ako nang bigla niyang ipinatabi ang sasakyan. Mabuti na lang at walang kasunod sa likod. Napalingon ako sa kaniya.

His breathing was uneven, his hands gripping the steering wheel too tightly. His eyes—matapang, pero may kakaibang emosyon doong hindi ko maipaliwanag.

"Kasi gusto ko... gusto kitang tulungan," he finally said, his voice barely above a whisper. "Hindi dahil may balak ako. Hindi lang dahil kasama kita sa publication. Gusto kitang tulungan dahil gusto ko. Would that reason suffice you?"

Natahimik ako. I lost words for a second because of his answer. And I don't want it. I just can't accept it.

He looked away first, swallowing hard, jaw clenching slightly. Hindi ko alam kung para pigilan ang inis, o para pigilan ang emosyon.

"Kalaban lang pala ako sa paningin mo..." He let out a quiet chuckle, but it was empty. "Not even a person. Just... a rival."

That made my chest tighten. I wanted to say something—anything—but the words wouldn't come out.

"Okay," he said after a moment, his tone controlled. He forced his hands to relax on the wheel before shifting the car back into motion. "Kung 'yan ang gusto mong isipin... wala na akong magagawa."

Umiwas ako ng tingin. I focused on the road-staring at the red, blue, and green at the stoplight with crowded unfamiliar faces of souls I hadn't met. 

Buong akala ko ay mananatili pa siya sa usaping iyon ngunit hindi na siya muling umimik. Pinaandar niya ang sasakyan saka muling binagtas ang daan. Huminto kami sa isang pamilyar na gusali. Sa labas noon ay may nakalagay na PetPartners.

He unclasps his seat belt and then takes the cat in his backseat. He gazed at me. "Let's go."

Wala akong balak na sumama sa kanya sa loob pero sa tono ng pananalita niya ay tila wala akong choice kundi ang sumunod sa kaniya.

Nang makapasok kami sa clinic ay nakapatay ang ilaw noon. Kumunot ang noo ko at inilibot ang paningin sa paligid.

"Nagsimula nang maglipat sila ate ng gamit sa bago niyang clinic. This establishment will be a rehabilitation center for stray cats," aniya kahit hindi naman ako nagtatanong.

Inilibot ko ang paningin sa clinic. Halos wala na doong kagamitan liban na lang sa mga cat and dog cages na hindi pa na-assemble. Sa kanang bahagi naman ay mga sako lang ng different kinds of pet foods. The space has a sense of safety and comfort because of its soft tan exterior with green trim.

Naglakad si Nash hanggang sa pinakadulo ng clinic, at nakasunod lang ako sa kaniya hanggang sa umakyat kami sa isang hagdan patungo sa second floor.

The second floor had a cozy, modern design. The space was open, with a few partition walls and custom furniture dividing it into sections. Birch wood flooring and simple shelves added to its clean, functional feel.

Nash walked to the coffee table and set down his things. Hawak pa rin niya ang pusang dala-dala niya kanina.

"Do you mind holding him for a sec? Kukuha lang ako ng pamalit."

I nodded as he lent me the cat. Pagkatapos ay pumasok siya sa isang room.

I looked at the cat. It was shivering because of the coldness. The cat purred loudly, rubbing against my hands. It has a small body covered with tricolor furr hair and a fluffy tail. It has different colored eyes. The cat meowed to me as if he was crying out for attention so I gave him a gentle pat. Upon receiving a soft pat on the head, the cat closed his eyes, seemingly satisfied with my touch.

The sides of my lips slowly curved into a thin smile. May ibang comfort talagang nadadala sa akin ang mga pusa. Kung sana ay hindi galit si Itay sa mga pusa baka matagal na akong nakapag-uwi ng kagaya nito.

Bumukas ang pinto ng isang kwarto at lumabas doon si Nash na may dalang dalawang towel. Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko. I maintained a stoic face. Lumapit siya sa akin. Akala ko kukunin na niya ang pusang hawak ko, pero napasinghap ako nang maramdaman ang init ng towel na ibinalot niya sa akin.

"Magpalit ka muna ng damit bago kita ihatid sa inyo. Nasa kama iyong damit ni ate na hiniram ko. Sigurado akong kasya mo iyon. There's also a..." he stopped for a second, looking away, "... a new underwear in there. You can use it," aniya saka tuluyan nang kinuha ang hawak kong pusa. Binalot niya iyon sa isa pang towel na hawak.

Tumango ako at nagsimula nang maglakad patungo sa kwartong pinanggalingan niya. After taking a bath, doon ko lang na-appreciate nang buo ang kwarto niya.

The walls are painted in the hue of an overcast sky, which adds a sense of calm to the surroundings. The room is filled with the scent of a morning coffee candle. Several monochrome photographs, which I believe were taken by him with his film camera, are displayed on the walls of the room.

Lumapit ako upang tingnan ang mga iyon nang mas malapitan. Things that could catch your attention, roads with an ominous air, scenery and people all caught his interest.

There's this one photo that caught my attention. It was a picture of an eye. When I saw it I was immediately intrigued. When I saw a photograph of an eye, my curiosity was stirred. At first glance, it seemed to be a typical pair of eyes, but upon looking closer, it seemed to be the saddest pair of eyes I'd ever seen.

Bumaba ang tingin ko sa caption na nakaipit doon.

Drowned in the Eyes. Your eyes have always held this glint in them, a look that told me they could see far more of me than my mirror ever could. As your eyes blink-I can feel myself drowning.

"Rayne, are you done-"

Mabilis akong napalingon kay Nash. Hawak niya ang door knob at ang isang kamay naman ay nasa hamba ng pintuan.

I felt like I got caught peeking through his thoughts just by looking at his photographs.

"Tapos na ako," mabilis kong tugon.

Mula sa akin ay lumipat ang tingin niya sa photographs likod ko. Bahagya siyang napakamot sa batok.

"They're hideous, I know. Huwag mo nang tingnan," aniya.

Bumalik ang tingin ko doon. "They're not. It's more like an expression of perspective on how you view things."

Naramdaman kong naglalakad siya palapit sa akin. "I'm not used to people seeing them."

I curved my eyebrows. "Why?

"I'm afraid to show my perspective to the world. I'm worried that if I do, people will disagree with what I'm trying to express through them. Photography is my safest place. I don't want them to tell me it wasn't good just because it lacks color."

"Bakit monochrome photography?" I asked.

"Because I want them to see a whole different story besides the color. Na hindi lang kulay ang mahalaga. In the absence of color, we are left with images represented by their shape, form, and tone. To me, it could help the viewers to see the photos' true message without being distracted. I think people who shoot color all the time lose sight of how deep and meaningful a photograph could be."

Lumapit siya sa larawan na tinitingnan ko kanina. Inalis niya iyon sa pagkakaipit sa clip wood at iniabot sa akin. Napako lang tingin ko doon. There's really something when you look them in the eyes. Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa kaniya pero nakatingin lang siya sa larawan.

"Black and white amplified emotions that souls demand to feel. As a photographer, I want soulful photographs. I want to tell the world that doesn't mean it isn't colorful, it's already ugly. And to me, the most beautiful photograph communicated the deepest meaning."

Napaawang ang labi ko pero mabilis din akong nakabawi. "That's deep," my conclusion after his long explanation. "But your reason is well articulated."

He chuckled. Binalik ko sa kaniya ang larawan. "Ang ganda ng kuha mo dito," I said, the side of my lips rose.

Hindi ako mahilig sa photography pero marunong naman akong tumingin ng kung ano ang maayos at hindi. Being surrounded by Ciqa who kept on showing me photos to critique, is one of the reasons why.

Sandali niya iyong tinitigan. Sumilay ang isang ngiti sa labi niya. "She was the first girl who captured my attention when I transferred to Arion," aniya, saka tumingin ng bahagya sa akin. "She and her eyes reek of sadness and longing. They were filled with tears when they found mine. Gladly, she didn't notice I took a photo of her," aniya habang malalim ang tingin na ibinigay sa akin.

Naiilang ako. Hindi ako sanay na nasa ilang pulgada lamang ang layo namin sa isa't-isa. Umiwas ako ng tingin saka nagkunwaring inaayos ko na ang damit na hinubad ko.

Nang matapos akong ayusin ang gamit ay nilingon ko siya. He was just watching me do my thing. Lumabas siya sa kwarto kaya sumunod ako. I saw the cat lingering in his kitchen. Nang makita siya nito ay mabilis siyang sinalubong. Mabilis ata siyang nakilala noon.

Binigyan niya iyon ng makakain saka ibinalik ang tingin sa akin.

"The road in your area is not passable because of the storm. Ang sabi sa balita ay sa kalapit na probinsya ang landfall ng bagyo. Hindi kita maihahatid sa inyo."

Umiwas ako ng tingin. Wala naman akong balak umuwi sa bahay pagkatapos ng nangyari. I want to spend the night outside but this storm is ruining my plan.

"Okay lang. I'll get going then," tugon ko, saka nagsimulang maglakad patungo sa hagdan.

Naramdaman ko siyang hinabol ako at humarang sa dadaanan ko sana. Nakakunot ang noo niya. "Hindi mo ba narinig ang sinabi ko? Hindi passable ang road sa inyo dahil sa baha."

I tried to bypass him. "It's fine."

Hindi niya ako hinayaang makalampas man lang. Mabilis siyang nakaharang. This time, he caught my elbos. He closed the distance between us. Sobrang lapit noon.

"You're not planning on going home, are you?" aniya nang mapagtanto ang balak kong gawin.

I stepped away.. "I didn't say I am," sagot ko, hindi makatingin sa kaniya.

"Rayne, bumabagyo na sa labas," he said with so much control and frustration.

"I can't stay here with you," I answered determinedly. Hinagilap niya ulit ang mga siko ko pero mabilis ko siyang naiwasan.

"You can. I am not a heartless person as you think I am. Saka hindi ako papayag na lumabas ka pa lalo na't bumabagyo. You'll walk yourself into trouble."

We argued for almost ten minutes bago niya ako napapayag na huwag nang umalis. I don't even know why I let him win. Maybe I was too tired. Maybe I just didn't have the energy to fight him anymore.

Tahimik ko lang tinitigan ang kape na binaba niya sa harap ko.

"Drink it," Nash said simply.

Napakunot lang ako ng noo, but I didn't say anything.

"Nagpaulan ka kanina," he added, casually leaning against the couch. "Para mawala ang lamig. Gusto sana kitang alukin ng gatas, pero wala na akong stock. Don't worry, decaffeinated 'yan."

I slowly wrapped my hands around the cup, letting its warmth seep into my skin. Pero parang wala naman akong nararamdaman.

Narinig kong bumalik siya sa kusina para kunin ang sarili niyang tasa. Naupo siya sa tabi ko, sa carpeted floor, since the three cats we rescued months ago were sprawled across the couch, asleep.

He took a sip of his drink before speaking. 

"Nagkakape ka ba kahit gabi?" I asked. My voice sounded distant, like it wasn't mine.

"I have to stay awake," he murmured. "Mas madali magtrabaho kapag tahimik na."

I nodded absently, barely processing his words.

I lifted the cup to my lips, taking a small sip—and suddenly, everything inside me twisted painfully.

Pain sipped through my heart. Magkapareho sila ng timpla ng kape ni Jace. Tuwing nagna-night study kami noon ni Jace sa kanila, siya ang nagtitimpla ng kape ko. Dahil doon, nakasanayan ko na ang timpla niya.

"Hindi mo ba gusto? Kulang sa creamer?"

Umiling ako. Tinatantya niya ang mata ko pero hindi ko siya tiningnan pabalik. "No... it's fine. I just remembered someone. Pareho kayo ng timpla."

"I'm glad you liked it." I just nodded.

I placed the cup down, not drinking any further. 

A long silence stretched between us. The soft breathing of the sleeping cats, the distant sound of rainwater dripping outside, it was the only thing keeping the room from feeling too empty.

And then, before I could stop myself, I asked, "Bakit... bakit mahilig kang mag-uwi ng stray cats?"

I wasn't really looking for an answer. I expected him to joke about it. Or shrug it off. Pero hindi siya agad sumagot. Instead, he looked over at the cats, fingers absentmindedly tracing the rim of his cup.

"Kasi..." he started, voice quieter than usual. "Wala namang ibang gagawa."

I frowned. "Ano?"

He exhaled, scratching the back of his neck. "I mean... kung hindi ko sila kukupkupin, ano'ng mangyayari sa kanila?" He tilted his head toward the kittens. "Sanay na silang itaboy, pero hindi naman ibig sabihin 'di na nila kailangan ng tulong."

My chest tightened, though I wasn't sure why.

"Minsan may nagpapakain, minsan wala. Pero kadalasan, pinapabayaan lang sila kasi... well, hindi naman sila responsibilidad ng kahit sino, 'di ba?" He scoffed under his breath. "Kaya kahit sino puwedeng magsabi na 'kawawa naman'—pero kung walang tutulong, anong mangyayari?"

He shrugged. "At kung kaya ko naman, bakit hindi?" His fingers tightened around his cup, but his expression stayed neutral. "'Di naman nila kasalanan na iniwan sila."

For some reason, I suddenly pictured the Perfect Nash I used to resent—the one who always had the right answers, always the person everyone turned to.

Ciqa and Ynigo called him perfect kasi. He always on top on their college. Lagi sinasabi ni Ciqa 'yun— how he always knew what to do. 

Pero habang nakatingin ako sa kanya ngayon, he didn't look perfect. He looked tired. Like someone who carried more than he was supposed to, but never once thought of putting it down.

"Hindi naman malaking bagay," he added after a moment, as if reading my thoughts. "Hindi naman ako yung nagligtas sa kanila or whatever. Pinulot ko lang. Pinakain."

I didn't know why that made my throat feel tight. I stared at him, an unsettling thought creeping into my mind before I could stop it.

Ganito rin ba ang tingin niya sa 'kin?

Like some stray he picked up. Someone who needed saving.

The thought made my stomach twist, and I wasn't sure if it was because I wanted the answer to be yes—or because I wanted it to be no.

A beat of silence stretched between us. Then Nash chuckled, shaking his head. "Tangina, ang bigat pala ng sagot ko. Ikaw kasi, weird 'yung tanong mo."

I scoffed, rolling my eyes—grateful for the shift in atmosphere. "Weird lang yung sagot mo."

But even after the conversation moved on, his words—and that stupid thought—stayed with me.

"Are you okay now?" he then asked.

Natahimik ako. I usually answer them, yes, but deep inside I am not. As long as I can hold and control my pain, I won't tell anyone that I am drowned by my thoughts. I won't tell them that I'm in pain. Kasi ayokong maramdaman nila 'yung bigat ng nararamdaman ko. 

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot. We fell silent for a moment. Mukhang naramdaman niya iyon kaya muli siyang nagsalita.

"Ganito na lang... How 'bout you ask or share with me things that are bothering you? Kahit ano. I'll listen."

I gave him a flustered look. "Para saan?" I replied as I stared at the coffee steam.

"Baka kahit papaano, gumaan iyang nararamdaman mo. Don't worry... we can leave everything here. Lahat ng sasabihin mo or isheshare ko, will be forgotten after you leave this place," he said while looking in my eyes sincerely.

I sipped on my coffee. I bore my eyes to the cats. They were sleeping peacefully. I heaved a deep sigh.

"Honestly? Hindi ko na rin alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. I'm having trouble coming up with the perfect words to express my feelings. Bakit ako nagpapaulan kanina? Ganun siguro talaga. Kahit iyong maliliit na bagay could lead to the biggest breakdowns. Kanina, nalaman ko na kinuha ni Papa yung sweldo ko. Iyon na lang 'yong meron ako, eh. I have to support myself because he can't. I have to strive because no one would help me. Ayokong humingi ng tulong dahil sawang-sawa na ako sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin na sinusumbatan kami dahil sa pagmamalasakit daw nila."

Pumiyok ang boses ko doon kaya tumigil ako ng sandali. Pumikit ako ng mariin at tuluyan nang bumuhos ang mga luha. Pinilit ko lunukin ang bukol sa aking lalamunan para matiwasay na makapagsalita.

"I am physically and emotionally tired of everything... I want to reset my life. I badly want to rest, be happy and enjoy the life I have. But in my place now? I don't think I can. I want to be brave enough to run away. Pero paano si Papa? Paano siya?"

Hindi ko na napigilan ang paghikbi. Kinagat ko ang labi para pigilan ang pagbuhos ng luha. Ramdam ko na ang hiya sa pag-iyak sa harap niya pero nagpatuloy ako.

"Why do I have to suffer because of his choices? I never asked to be his daughter so why do I have to suffer? All I want is to be genuinely happy," I added while wearing a smile of paper-cut lips.

Hindi ko na namalayan ang naging galaw niya. Hanggang sa nakita ko na lang ang sarili ko sa gitna ng yakap niya. Kinulong niya ako doon. Pumikit ako ng mariin. My heart is pounding hard and fast. Pilit ko iyong kinalma. Huminga ako ng malalim.

"Do you still need my advice?" he said while his nose touched my ear. "Because if not, all I can lend you is my shoulder," mahinahon niyang sinabi.

I answered him in a nod. He's pressing my head to his chest. I hugged him, too, and I felt his heart's beat. Hindi ako kumibo ngunit ramdam ko ang pag-init ng pisngi ko. Sigurado akong mukha ng kamatis ang kulay ko ngayon.

"Always remember that it has nothing to do with him, so do it for yourself and focus on what you deserve. You don't have to be brave most of the time. You just have to be brave enough to begin-brave enough to try again when you fail..." he said in a gentle voice.

"I know you're tired, I know you want to give up because of the problems you're facing right now, because of someone who left you but always remember that you still have a lot of reasons to fight. Because one day, you'll wake up saying that I am healed, I conquered my fears, I won my battle, I succeeded. You won't appreciate the colorful moments if you haven't had your black and white. Everything will be okay, soon."

Kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap niya. I exhaled heavily. Tumigil ang pag-agos ng luha sa mata ko. Yumuko ako nang mapagtanto ang sitwasyong, bigla akong nahiya sa pag iyak sa harapan niya.

"Why are you helping me?" tanong ko at lumayo ng bahagya para makausap siya ng mas maayos.

I can't count how many times I have asked him that tonight. Nag-angat ako nang tingin sa kaniya. Titig na titig siya sa akin. Akala ko ay hindi na niya iyon sasagutin. But, I could tell this time that he was prepared.

He wiped my wet cheek with his thumb. "Because I don't want to see you hurting. I want to help you."

I want to convince myself that he was lying... that he was only saying those words because he needed to. But I know I'd be lying to myself because I saw how genuine those words are in his eyes. I'd be lying if I denied that I can feel it too. That he just wanted to help... ever since. He never showed me anything but kindness. I kept hating him and cursing him in my mind because I know he was slowly breaking some of my walls... that no matter how hard and high they were... he was getting through.

So instead, I let out a laugh, one which I'm not sure was real or not-it became so easy to pretend that I'm fine. I have become so good at it that I even believe in myself sometimes.

My face turned stoic again when he remained serious. I looked at the depth of his eyes. His menacing glances seem to see right through me. My eyes traveled down to his lips, and immediately got distracted. Binalik ko ang tingin sa mga mata niya. This time, I decided to let myself drown in the depth of his eyes.

The way he looked-he was like a familiar soul introducing himself to me. As if he was an unfamiliar song I never play even though it existed on my playlist.

He stared at me intensely for a few moments. His eyes drifted down to my lips. Namumungay ang mga mata niya nang ibalik sa akin. Naghuramentado ang puso ko lalo na nang tumitig siya sa akin. Slowly, he leaned in. I closed my eyes as he kissed me on the lips. It was gentle, like rain, yet it struck me like lightning, sending a jolt through my body.

There are days I look forward to vibrant colors but most days I just settle for my black and white, monochromatic life. But at that moment, my black-and-white perspective suddenly turned to the most beautiful indescribable colors.

Like his ray of hope dispelled my storm inside.

***

#WCATR12MonochromaticLife