CHAPTER 11- THE SAME DIFFERENCE

"Cadogan! Carreon! May ico-cover kayo sa Grimsfield," bungad sa amin ni Vash pagkapasok pa lamang niya sa room ng pub. Dumiretso siya sa pinakadulong table na para sa Editor-in-Chief.

I heaved a sign. Sinarado ko ang laptop ng TVOA na gamit ko sa pag-proofread.

"Wala pa si Nash," anunsyo ko. Tumingin siya sa upuan nito upang makumpirma iyon.

"Late na naman ang isang yon. Hindi na dumating ng maaga."

"Ano bang meron sa Grimsfield? Bakit ang layo naman? Kami lang talaga?"

As much as possible, I don't want to spend another minute with him. Dahil pakiramdam ko nagwawala ang dibdib ko kapag naaalala ko ang mga nangyari nitong nakaraan. I'm starting to notice him, and I am not naive not to know things like this.

Tumayo si Vash saka lumipat sa common table kung saan kami mag mi-meeting. "May groundbreaking daw para sa new campus ng Arrion. Paki-check na lang sa email ng office of the vice president for academic affairs. Naka-attach na doon ang excuse letter n'yo."

"Wala na bang ibang available writers tomorrow?" tanong ko.

Vash seems to know me very well. Ginamit niya ang salitang makakapagpa-agree sa akin.

"Kasama sina Mr. Quirino doon. I know you want to meet him personally, right?"

Wala akong nagawa. Inayos ko ng tahimik ang mga gamit ko. Thinking of how I could let Ciqa do the job. Siya ang head photojournalist. I know Nash will go there as a photoj. I can still hit two birds.

I walked towards the common table at naupo sa tabi ni Vash. Ganoon din ang ginawa ni Ynigo at Florissa. Walang dumalaw na trainees for today dahil may general meeting kami for the end semester. Though, November pa lang pero kailangan na namin magplan ahead.

"Kaya bang mai-pass yung proposal natin this week?"

Rinig na rinig agad namin ang boses ni Ciqa papasok pa lang siya ng office. Umiling ako. Ano nga bang bago?

"Okay. I will check the lapses later. I just need time to familiarize myself with the idea. Sobrang sabaw ng utak ko para sa capstone project na 'to—" It's Nash.

Pareho silang natigilan nang makita nila kaming nasa common table na. Sila na lang ang hinihintay para magsimula ang meeting.

"Omg! We forgot! Hala! Sorry, Mamshi Vash!"

Kaagad na naupo si Ciqa sa tabi ni Ynigo. Nilapag naman muna ni Nash ang bag sa table niya. Hindi ko na siya sinundan ng tingin at nagfocus na lang sa pagscribble ng mga words sa notebook ko.

"Nash, take a seat. Hurry!" sita ni Vash.

"Teka lang!"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin nang may humila ng upuan sa tapat ko. Nang maupo si Nash, awtomatikong nagtagpo ang aming mga mata. Humalukipkip siya habang matiim ang tingin sa akin.

"Alam mo, kung may 'Best in Late' lang, panalo ka na," ani Ciqa, kaya napatingin siya rito.

Iling lang ang naisagot ni Nash. "Wag kang magmalinis. Second honor ka!" aniya, saka muling ibinalik ang tingin sa akin. Mabilis akong naintimidate sa tingin niya, kaya't ibinalik ko iyon sa papel."

"Then the meeting proceeds. Syempre, hindi kumpleto ang general meeting namin kung wala ang ice breaker ni Vash."

"'What are your highs and lows this week?' she asked. 'For the highs, it can be your little wins or something. For the lows, well, I believe we all have one.'"

Humalakhak si Ciqa sa tanong na iyon. 'Hindi tayo mag-iiyakan for today's video, ha.'

'Ang highs ay gawa-gawa lang ng Illuminati,' komento naman ni Ynigo.

Umiling lang na natatawa si Vash. Sanay na kaming lahat sa mga ganito niyang ice breaker. She believes na we must understand each other's inner depths before each meeting para daw alam namin ang pinanggagalingan ng bawat suhestiyon ng lahat."

"Let's start with Rayne."

I heaved a deep sigh. Ano nga ba ang magandang nangyari sa linggong ito? Meron ba? Parang wala naman.

Napako ang tingin ko sa mga salitang isinulat ko sa notebook nang hindi namamalayan. Maybe my unconscious mind knows me really well.

Sunset. TVOA. Journalism. Asking for help?

I guess there's nothing wrong with sharing it with them, right?

"For the lows, I had..." I bit my lip and sighed again. "I had a trigger when we were out on Saturday night. That's why I left."

I gave them an assuring smile, showing that I'm better now. Dumapo ang tingin ko kay Nash. Nakakunot ang noo niya habang pinagmamasdan ako. He's wearing a black polo shirt with their department's embroidered logo on the side.

"For the highs, I'm glad I had someone to vent my feelings to at that time."

Napaawang ang labi niya. His eyebrow arched. My heart instantly raced. Ipinukol niya ako ng kuryosong tingin, tila hindi niya nagustuhan ang sinabi ko, kaya binawi ko ang mga mata ko sa kanya at ibinalik kay Vash.

It was too late when I realized what I had said. That look in Nash's eyes made me regret it. Why does he look grumpy? I was just glad that he was there—that he listened. Anong mali doon?

Napakurap-kurap ako nang mapagtanto ko. Vash looked at me, awed. It was the first time I had answered her icebreaker questions this deeply. I never opened up about my life to them, even those little details.

"Thank you, Rayne! For sharing those moments!" Medyo natatawa pa siya. "I'm glad you had someone with you at that time," she said, glancing slightly at Nash.

Nag-init ang pisngi ko. Nilingon ko ang iba at may nakapaskil na ngiti sa mga labi nila—hindi maipaliwanag. Lalo na kay Ciqa, her smile was almost teasing. "Sinisiko niya ng paulit-ulit si Nash, saka biglang ibabalik ang tingin sa akin. Parang ewan."

Nash, on the other hand, remained annoyed. Ano bang kinagagalit niya? Anong mali sa sinabi ko? Humalukipkip ako saka humarap na lang kay Vash.

"How about you, Ynigo? What were your highs and lows last month or even this week?" tanong ni Vash.

"I aced an exam in FOA earlier. And for the lows..." he smiled, but it was the saddest smile I had ever seen. "Honestly, I'm having trouble with my art. I'm struggling to find my art style. Most of my art—no—everything seems ordinary. At parang wala na akong nararamdaman kapag tinitingnan ko sila. I've lost hope in seeing the point of doing art anymore. To me, they were just blank canvases that never got the chance to be kissed by my paintbrush. Hindi ko na talaga alam."

"Ang alam ko lang, pagod na pagod na ako sa lahat. Tapos bigla ka na lang titigil. Biglang hindi mo na alam kung paano magsisimula. As if all the stars no longer align. Then suddenly, you wanted to rest from the things that used to give you calmness. You wanted to escape from the art that felt like home before just because you think you're no longer doing it right."

Tinitigan ko nang maigi si Ynigo. His eyes were melancholic. I knew he was trying not to be emotional, but we could all hear his pain.

Napangiti ako ng mapait. Nakakatakot kung paanong ang isang bagay na minsan nating minahal, minsang nagpapasaya sa atin, isang bagay na ibinuhos mo yung buong sarili mo, tapos bigla ka na lang mawawalan ng gana. It's just sad and scary how one dream can die in the middle of the night, like what happened to Ygo.

Vash seemed troubled upon hearing Ynigo's low. "Would you like to take a break, Ynigo? From the pub?"

Ngumiti si Ynigo at malalim na hininga ang pinakawalan. "This pub is the only rest I have, Vash. I'll figure this out. I'm not giving up on myself. I just need to vent, too."

Lumapit si Ciqa dito at tinapik siya sa balikat. "Best friend ko 'yan! Laban, par!"

Humalakhak kaming lahat at muling gumaan ang paligid.

"Ygo, balikan mo kung bakit ka nagsimula. That might help," suhestiyon ni Nash.

"Okay, settle down. Ikaw na naman, Ciqa?"

"Wala ata akong highs, so sa low muna. I've actually been thinking a lot these past few days. May pinsan kasi akong nagpa-photoshoot. I declined, and I told her my reasons. Pero kinumpara pa niya ako sa pinsan namin na professional photographer. Sabi pa niya, 'pareho lang naman kayo ng hawak na camera. Bakit hindi mo magawa ang ginagawa ni Kuya? Kung kaya nila, kaya mo rin.'"

She laughed a bit, but I could feel the bitterness behind it. "Akala nila motivational 'yun?" she said, almost crying.

"We have different potentials and priorities. We have different perspectives, photography styles, and tricks shaped by our experiences. Tangina nila. Ico-compare ako sa may hawak ng full specs na camera! Analog film 'yung hawak at gusto ko! Ang bobo lang!"

"Ano ba ang mali sa photojournalism? That's still a form of photography! So what now if I can't take portraits? Ano ngayon kung hindi ako marunong do'n? Does that make me less of an artist? Hindi na ba ako matatawag na photographer? Ang gago lang. I want to tell a story through photographs! I can express myself through photojournalism. Doon..." her voice broke, "hindi ko kailangang magpanggap."

Natahimik kaming lahat. Lumapit si Vash at niyakap si Ciqa, ganoon din si Florisa. Pinili kong huwag nang tumayo at hinawakan na lang ang kamay niya nang mahigpit.

"Nandito kami, Trix. Alam namin ang potensyal mo," sabi ni Florisa nang kumalas siya sa pagkakayakap dito.

"Ano ba yan. Sabi ko bawal umiyak. Ano ba kasi 'tong ice breaker mo, eh, Vash? Nakakaasar," aniya habang nagpupunas ng luha. "Pwede bang walang highs?" natatawang tanong niya.

Umiling si Vash. "Imposible namang wala."

"Kayo. Itong pub siguro. You're always beside me kapag may problema ako. Having something I can call my friends is one of my wins. Hindi lang little, pero isa kayo sa pinakamalaking wins ko sa buhay."

I smiled slowly. Lagi kong sinasabi na hinding-hindi ko sila papasukin sa buhay ko, pero kinain ko rin ang sinabi ko. Slowly, they managed to break my walls. Tama si Ciqa at Ynigo. Our circle isn't just for the sole purpose of this publication. I am slowly accepting that they are part of me now.

They were my friends. I was just too in denial to acknowledge it.

Bumalik si Florisa sa upuan niya. It was her time to talk. "I, um..." She shrugged at us. "I guess isa sa wins kong maituturing na wala akong masyadong pinoproblema in my family and even financially? I mean, hindi sa wala. I am living a comfortable life. I have my luxuries. People around me always make me feel important and loved. They never make me uncomfortable. My circles and family are very supportive of me."

"But recently, I've thought: I am blessed to have them, but are they blessed to have someone like me? I can't seem to figure things out, and I envy those who look like they already have their future pictured. Mine is a vague outline of nothing, a haze I can't ever seem to recognize. I don't even know what I like or am passionate about. It's hard to admit, but I don't know where I'm heading. Every one of you here seems to have their unique identity, everyone seems to know already what they want to do in life, and I'm here... just floating around, an abstract still solving my puzzles."

Kilala ko si Florisa bilang isa sa pinaka-tahimik sa amin. I don't consider myself quiet since I know when to speak or not. But Florisa? She was the kind of person who knew how to get along with everyone, even though she barely expressed what she wanted. I guess the best words to describe her are complacent and humble. Hearing her have this thought is new to me—to us.

Kung titingnan mo ang bawat isa sa amin, we're almost the same. We have the same passion for truth-telling. The same eagerness to pursue our dreams. The same love for journalism and this pub. We are all the same, yet we still have our differences. We have different privileges, different tolerance, and different support systems. We all go through struggles... the same storms... but we are not in the same boat.

That's why it's always better to never compare or invalidate someone. Because we don't know what fight they are trying to win every day. Someone could be Ynigo, fighting for his dying fire for arts. One could be Ciqa, who just wanted to be acknowledged for the choices she made for herself. Someone could be Florisa, who's having trouble finding herself. Or me, who's trying to get up each day to survive this chaos that life has given me."

After the heated icebreaker, we decided to continue the meeting. We finalized the last issue and focused on the project for trainees and the final evaluation for the EIC position.

"Hahatiin natin ang members and trainees ng pub. The first team will be led by Nash, and the other by Rayne. Kasama ito sa percentage ng evaluation n'yong dalawa. The winning leader will have an advantage, and syempre, higher score sa evaluation."

Nilingon ko si Nash nang sandali. He was busy listening to Vash. Huminga ako ng malalim at ibinalik ang tingin sa harap. I have to win no matter what it takes. Kailangan kong maisulat ang editoryal na iyon para kay Jace. Hindi ako pwedeng makampante. I know Nash's potential. Hindi siya basta-basta lang. That guy can beat me if he puts in the effort.

"Bubuo kayo ng sarili n'yong editorial board at gagawa ng magazine. The magazine will be judged by alumni of TVOA, including me and our adviser. Whole day ang press work but you can start planning after makuha ang list ng mga kasama n'yo sa group."

We all agreed on what Vash discussed. Nadeseminate na rin niya sa amin ang mga kagroup. Sa EdBoard, si Ynigo at Florisa ang kasama ko, while si Ciqa naman ang kay Nash.

I closed my notebook after Vash's closing reminders. Lahat kami ay tumayo na para maghandang umalis. Lumapit ako sa table ko at kinuha ang mga naiwang gamit.

"Tara, Rayne. Sabay-sabay na tayong lumabas," tawag ni Ciqa.

Sandali naming inayos ang office bago tuluyang lumabas. Alas-sais na naman ng hapon. Bumungad kaagad sa akin ang lamig ng paligid. Niyakap ni Ciqa ang braso niya sa akin at sabay kaming naglakad.

Noon ay hindi ako sanay sa ganitong galaw niya. It actually invades my personal space, but once I got to know her, I realized it's simply her way of making me feel she's comfortable with my presence. Sobrang clingy si Ciqa.

"Grabe! Parang ang tagal nating di nagkita kahit araw-araw naman ako sa office," reklamo niya habang sabay kaming naglalakad.

Nauuna sina Vash habang nasa pinakadulo kami.

Tinawanan ko lang siya. "Sira! Palagi ka kasing dumadating kapag papaalis na ako," sagot ko.

"Coincidental ba 'yun?" Bahagya niya akong nilingon at inirapan. "O may iniiwasan ka na palagi kong kasama?" ngumuso pa siya sa harap.

Natahimik ako sa sinabi niya. I am kinda guilty but still can defend myself from her. Pinagpatuloy ko lang ang paglalakad at hindi siya sinagot. Ayoko rin naman kasing magsinungaling.

Kumalas siya sa pagkakayakap sa kanang braso ko kaya napahinto kami.

"Oh my gosh, Rayne!" impit niyang tili.

Nilingon kami nina Vash, inuusisa ang dahilan ng reaksyon niyang iyon. Umirap ako sa kanila at nagsimula nang maglakad. Tumakbo si Ciqa para pantayan ang lakad ko.

"Ano na naman 'yan, Ciqa?" tanong ni Vash na nakataas ang kilay sa amin.

Bahagya kong kinurot ang tagiliran ni Ciqa at pinanlakihan siya ng mata.

"Hanggang dito lang ang chika," aniya habang gumuguhit ng imaginary line sa pagitan namin at nina Vash. "Magsimula na kayong maglakad, ang marites n'yo!"

Tinalikuran kami nina Vash at nauna na. Binagalan namin ang paglalakad. Humagikgik si Ciqa sa gilid ko at tila hindi ako titigilan hangga't hindi ako nagsasalita.

"Spill the tea! Anong nangyari nung umalis kayo sa Saturday Night?"

Nilingon ko ang iba at siniguradong kami na lang ni Ciqa ang makakarinig. I bit my lips and sighed. I don't want to share things like this, but I also don't want to keep it to myself. It was nothing. Baka kailangan ko lang mailabas.

"Nothing. He just comforted me."

Huminto siya at hinarap ako. "Hindi mukhang 'nothing' lang iyang bumabagabag sa'yo, Rayne. Obvious kaya!" Inirapan ko siya at nagsimulang maglakad. She laughed at me. "I mean, not really. Para ka kayang bato na nagkatawang tao. Sobrang intimidating ng awra mo. Observant lang talaga ako."

I rolled my eyes. "I just shared with him why I wanted to become an EIC and vice-versa. We talked, um..." I trailed off.

"Ano nga, Rayne!"

Umirap ulit ako. "We talked about experiences with sunset and such."

"Ay gago. Kinomfort na... nakipag-deep talks pa?" Humalakhak pa siya lalo. "Ano 'yan? Kwentuhan kayo ng gabi sa tabing dagat habang umiinom ng beer?"

Napatulala na lang ako kay Ciqa. Paano niya nahulaan iyon?

"Kinuwento niya?" tanong ko.

"Tama ako?" I didn't talk.

Unti-unting nanlaki ang mata niya nang marealize ang dahilan ng hindi ko pagsagot. "'Yan ba ang dahilan kaya mo siya iniiwasan? Pucha! Kinikilig ako for you!"

Kumunot ang noo ko sa kanya. Anong nakakakilig doon?

"Ang babaw ng kaligayahan mo," ani ko saka nagsimulang maglakad para sumunod kina Vash.

Lakad-takbo ang ginawa ni Ciqa para lang masundan ako. Huminto kami sa waiting shed kung nasaan ang lahat.

Tinatawanan pa rin ako ni Ciqa nang makarating kami sa shed.

"Halika na, Rayne. Ihahatid na kita sa café," aniya.

"Humanap kang kausap!" Inirapan ko siya saka pumara ng sasakyan.

Nang makapasok ako sa loob ng tricycle, sinapo ko ang pisngi ko. I hate it. I hate those words. Bakit ako kikiligin? Hindi naman nakakakilig iyon. I just want to avoid him because he's my enemy, my rival for that position! Nothing more, nothing less.

Papaalis na sana ang tricycle na sinasakyan ko ngunit biglang napahinto ito.

"Kuya! Sasakay po," rinig kong tawag ng isang pamilyar na boses.

Sinilip ko iyon at agad ko ring pinagsisihan. Pumikit ako nang mariin para pakalmahin ang sarili. Kailangan kong kontrolin ang bilis ng tibok ng puso ko.

Tinitigan ako ni Nash ng ilang segundo bago magsalita. "Ayaw mo atang magpa-upo?" ngumisi siya.

Inirapan ko siya saka umusod ako sa pinakagilid. Amoy na amoy ko ang vanilla-scented niyang pabango dahil sa lapit namin sa isa't isa.

"Naiwan kasi 'yung susi ko. Badtrip si Ciqa, ayaw akong iangkas," aniya na parang hinihingian ko siya ng rason kung bakit siya nagtricycle.

Umirap ako sa kawalan. "Walang nagtatanong, Nash."

He chuckled. "Baka lang isipin mo sinusundan kita."

Hindi ko siya pinansin. Nagsimula nang umandar ang tricycle.

"Manong, sa Gaia's Café po kaming dalawa," aniya sa driver.

Nilingon ko siya at tinaasan ng kilay. Mabilis ko iyong pinagsisihan dahil sa sobrang lapit ng mukha namin. I nearly gasped from the shock.

"Kailangan ko nang kape para matapos 'yung capstone proposal. I'm really not following you."

Why does he keep answering the questions in my mind? Hindi ko pa lang iyon nababanggit ay alam na kaagad niya. Marunong ba siyang bumasa ng isip? I doubt it.

Being true to his words, sa Gaia's nga siya dumiretso. Umorder siya ng cold brew at pumuwesto sa pinakadulong bahagi ng café. Binuksan niya ang MacBook niya at doon nga gumawa ng proposal nila.

"Brewed coffee mo," sabi ko habang iniaabot sa kaniya ang order niya.

I continued my daily routine. Today was my payday, kaya ganado ako. Sa tuwing nakukuha ko ang sweldong pinagpaguran ko, paunti-unting gumagaan ang loob ko. Pakiramdam ko kaya ko nang humiwalay kay Papa... kung gugustuhin ko.

Nang matapos ang apat na oras kong shift, nakangiti kong inalis ang apron ko saka inayos ang gamit. Nilapitan ko si Kuya Richard na naglilinis na rin ng gamit sa counter. Nang makita niya ako, natigilan siya. Lumabas siya sa counter na hindi maipinta ang mukha.

"Ano kasi, Rayne..." Inayos niya nang bahagya ang salamin. "Your father came here earlier. Kinuha niya 'yung sweldo mo. Hindi ko naman alam na may kasunduan pala kayo ni Ma'am Gaia na huwag na huwag ibibigay sa kaniya. Akala ko pumayag ka."

Unti-unting nawala ang ngiti sa labi ko. Kuya Richard seemed troubled at my reaction kaya binigyan ko siya ng isang kapani-paniwalang ngiti. Hindi na niya kailangan pang madamay sa nangyari.

"Okay lang po, Kuya. Kukunin ko na lang sa kaniya pag-uwi ko," sabi ko saka nagpaalam na.

Tuluyan nang nawala ang maskara ko nang makalabas ako sa back door. Alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ko na iyon makukuha pa. Ano ba ang matinding pangangailangan ni Papa at bakit kailangan pa niyang puntahan ang sweldo ko dito?

I closed my eyes gently. Tumulo ang luha ko kasabay ng biglaang pagbuhos ng ulan. Parang nakikisabay ang ulan sa bigat ng nararamdaman ko. Na walang ibang paraan kundi ibuhos ito. I started to walk toward the waiting shed. Wala na akong pakialam kung mabasa man ako ng ulan. I didn't run but just savored the big drops of the heavy rain.

He was the first person who left an invisible wound in me. At patuloy niyang ginagawa iyon habang tumatanda ako.

Pinupunasan ko ang luha pero halos wala iyong silbi dahil sa lakas ng ulan. I have to cross the street in order to get to the shed. I want to at least get there, pero nawawalan na ng lakas ang binti ko dahil sa pagod.

Hinayaan kong yakapin ako ng ulan. Ramdam ko ang mabibigat na patak. Noon, akala ko kapag umuulan, kailangan kong maghanap ng masisilungan. Hanggang sa nasanay ako na hindi sa lahat ng pagdadaanan may masisilungan ka. Kailangan mo ring mabasa, maramdaman ang mga patak—kailangan mo ring umiyak.

I sat on the pavement. Tears streamed down my cheeks, echoing the raindrops that were falling. I wrapped my arms tightly around myself to lessen the cold.

Akala ko noon nasanay na ako. I thought the longer I tried to bear it, the more I'd get used to its weight, that someday it would eventually become a part of me—that it would no longer hurt. Akala ko hindi na ako masasaktan kahit paulit-ulit na lang 'yung ganito. But the pain doesn't wear off.

"Pagod na pagod na 'ko," I whispered to myself. Only to myself, because I never had the courage to voice it out to anyone. Sino ba ang makikinig? Wala. Wala na.

As I raised my gaze to the sky, my eyes were filled with guilt. It was dark, and the rain fell so heavily that the sound became a whirling noise. The rain became more intense while the loud thuds of the thunderstorm made me shudder and flinch.

When it seems like no one would dare to converse with me, I always look up to the sky. Because even the rain, the clouds, and the thunderstorm seemed to understand what I was going through. It's as if the universe is having a good time talking to me. I take refuge in knowing that the rain heard all of my frustration.

Pagod na pagod na ako, sobra. Pero hindi ko alam kung anong klaseng pahinga ang kailangan ko. Tila kulang ang salitang 'pagod' para mailarawan ang kabigatan sa dibdib ko.

"I just want to rest."

I just want to be free, to be happy, and to believe in hope.

Eventually, the noise lessened, and the raindrops faded into oblivion. Muli akong tumingin sa kalangitan. It wasn't the rain that silenced the whirling noises; it was an umbrella trying to keep me dry.

Nash was suddenly there—standing in the rain—holding a cat in his right hand, and in his left was an umbrella shielding me from getting wetter, though it was too late.

As if he were the rainbow that appeared amidst my gloom. A rainbow after the rampage of my inner storms. As if I were one of the kittens he rescued. The only difference is, I don't need saving.

Or that's what I thought?