I promise I'm trying guys. I'm writing in my head but I get so distraught and distracted that I don't get on. I start watching YouTube to delay the feelings and stuff keeps happening and I really want to stop this awful habit of watching hours at a time of YouTube to push away my grief. It's been six months and I'm still not over it. At any given moment I could just burst into tears and I hate it. I feel like a burden to everyone and my mom kinda ruined me ever telling her anything ever again. (I'll probably talk about that more at the end.)

Anyway, I am grateful for the encouragement you guys are giving me and I'm glad to have friends like you guys. I'm going to be making another book for fun because I got an idea that's pretty good. Ya...

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Off topic but I've always wanted to write fan fiction but was always awkward about it because I was technically writing about REAL people. It felt like I was forcing them out of their real personality even though I had a bunch of people at school tell me how accurate it felt. If you guys want to see some fan fiction I'll consider it because it's fun and I kinda want to make myself feel less uncomfortable about writing about "reality".

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Okay that be it. Mother rant below but other than that Fennec the Fox is out!

Mother Rant

Okay, so my whole life my mom has been telling me: "You can tell me anything!" And "I'd never make fun of you!" And then one day I was telling her about a problem that has really effected me (still does effect me) ((also not sure if it's affect or effect but continuing because I'm lazy)) and she began laughing. Her exact words were, "That's what's bothering you?!?! That's so stupid!" I kinda agreed with her but it was hurting me all the same.

I continued to trust her but not with what she would consider a "little thing". For example if I was worried about being picked on she would just laugh and never help me. It came to a point where my mom began making fun of me to her peers. I kept getting sad glances from them because most of the time they knew how I had no self esteem and was already struggling to feel accepted. I finally gave up when my mom called me "Fugly" in front of my aunts and uncles. I wanted to cry and in the end I did. I even yelled at her, receiving some stern words from my father. My mom said she didn't mean it that way and she was only describing my face with a combination of words: "funny and ugly". The woman who told me my whole life I was beautiful called me "funny looking" and "ugly" straight to my face. I will never be able to forget that.

But now you guys know why I refuse to fall my mother anything. Because I'm afraid she won't care.