Okay I just got all slap happy because I watched a movie but I can't remember it's name. It's about a really awful singer but she's freaking incredibly rich (keep in mind she's pretty old and sings amazing for her age) and it has the actor who plays Howard Wallowitz in The Big Bang Theory but anyway...

So I'm messing with the dog making chimpanzee noises (cause that's exactly what the singer sounded like) and giggling slightly and I suddenly hear my dad shout, "HE'S NOT A WIENER DOG!" And then my mom shout, "Ha! You said wiener!" And I burst out laughing uncontrollably. Keep in mind she's also slap happy like me. So we both laugh for about ten minutes before I stop, turn my head, and see my pillow...

My pillow made from my Grandpa's shirt. Gosh I miss him so much and it's normally around the time where I would be up with him. Cracking annoying puns and jokes that would be considered "dad jokes". Staying up past midnight snacking on fruit snacks and watching movies. Making plans to go fishing or adventuring... I want to talk to someone and not just type everything out because it sounds so dumb but he was my everything.

He was my dad when my dad was never around. He cared about my every problem and made me feel beautiful. Told me to never change because I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Said I was perfect and my flaws made no difference to what he thought of me. My problems became his and he listened. He didn't laugh when they were stupid, didn't tell me to get a grip, he listened. He tried to help me fix it and if he couldn't we would go out for ice cream and talk about how everything would be okay.

Now I'm stuck with my mother who laughs at my "stupid" problems. She tells me to just grow up. My dad doesn't understand and is quick to yell at me when I go on too long. I want to leave but it seems pointless when if I ride my bike I go only in circles till I come back. Nobody really understands my insanity.

I used to love school, it was my everything, the stable thing in my life. I wanted to ignore the bullies for my education but that became unbearable and my Grandpa supported me leaving. I remember talking with him about making plans that when I went to college I would go to BYU Utah so I could see him. I remember him telling me he couldn't wait to go to my wedding and hold my first child. And I can't stop thinking about the last time I saw him I was at my aunt's house with my dog and he said, "You seem to be spending a lot of time with that dog." And I responded with a confused "I'm sorry..?" And that was the last time I remember seeing him. I just want to see him again, so badly. To apologize to him for my every wrongdoing and to hear him tell me how I can make it through this. But I can't.

I can't even cry very loudly right now because then my mom will come in and when I tell her what's wrong she'll make me feel worse. I just want someone to be talking to me and then question, "So close were you with your Grandpa?" Or "tell me some stories about him." Or just something that means I can talk about how much of a wonderful person he was. He didn't deserve to die so young. I just want him back so badly and nothing can fix that.

Without him here I don't want to go to school anymore, I don't want to go fishing, I don't care about my grades, I can't bare the thought of going on a mission. I just want to die and find out if I really will see him again. Find out if God is real or if he's just made up to give the human race a belief they have a reason to live. We will never know. And I don't care.

I just want to die and get this pain over with.