Thranduil: *sips green tea and reads Mirkwood Daily*

Doors: *open*

Guards: U-um, uh, my King...?

Thranduil: *theatrical sigh* Yes, what?

Guard: It's time for the next interrogation, but...

Thranduil: Now? It's so.....early. Hold on, but what?

Guards: He can't talk...

Thranduil: Who can't talk? 

Legolas: *appearing* The wall!

Thranduil: Be quiet. Who??

Guards: The dwarf...

Thranduil: What, why? Did he get an axe to the head or something?

Guards: .....well, actually...

Thranduil: *laughs* Nice try. Bring him in. 

Guards: *shrug*

Bifur: *walks in*

Thranduil: What the Orc!

Legolas: *swallows nervously*

Thranduil: You ACTUALLY HAVE AN AXE IN YOUR HEAD?

Guards: Apparently. 

Thranduil: Did I ask you?

Guards: Remember? He can't talk!  Because of the....*gestures at Bifur*

Thranduil: Obviously. 

Legolas: Um, hate to interrupt, but how are you going to interrogate him if he can't talk?

Guards: Some of the others...*clears throat* offered to translate...

Thranduil: Translate what? His thoughts?

Bofur: *walks in the door* Hello, lads! *tips hat*

Thranduil: Oh, no. Oh, no no no, you don't. I will not deal with you a second time. 

Bofur: Well, we knew you'd need a translator! *smiles pleasantly*

Legolas: *exploding* HOW CAN YOU TRANSLATE ANYTHING WHEN HE IS UNABLE TO SPEAK???

Thranduil: Legolas, a prince never loses his temper!

Legolas: WELL OH WELL, MY KING. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU HAVE THE TEMPERAMENT OF A NEWBORN BUTTERFLY YOURSELF SO THERE!

Thranduil: No, many compare my temperament akin to that of a summer flower, blooming and swaying gently in the breeze of--

Bofur: *clears throat* Not to interrupt your...tirade...but are we starting or not?

Thranduil: Do forgive me, but I'm dying to know, what do you intend to translate? 

Bifur: *shakes head*

Bofur: Oh, he say's he's not telling you anything. 

Legolas: *still breathing heavily* What?! How do we know you aren't just making that up?

Thranduil: Foul! This is a foul ruse designed to lower everyone's IQs!

Bofur: Uhm, no. I just asked him.

Legolas + Thranduil:..........

Thranduil: Fine, fine. We shall commence. What were you and your entourage of dwarves doing in my woodland wonderland at approximately half-past three the other day?

Bofur: *indignantly* What  Woodland Wonderland? It's like an overgrown crypt!

Thranduil: *stands up suddenly* *hisses* Did I ASK you?

Bofur: .....no....

Thranduil: Glad you got that. Mouth. Keep it shut. Anyway....What were you and your entourage of dwarves doing in my woodland wonderland at approximately half-past three the other day?

Bofur: *mutters* Having a field trip, obviously. 

Legolas: Shut UP!!

Bofur: *sighs*

Thranduil: Anyway...*looks expectantly at Bifur*

Bifur: *grunts twice, grimaces, mimes walking, mimes eating, waves hands, holds invisible sword*

Thranduil: Awesome. A game of Charades. 

Bofur: *pointedly* Well, I am his translator. 

Thranduil: Is that even allowed? That's not allowed!

Bofur: Isn't it now? 

Thranduil: *irritably* Well, what did he say?

Bofur: Well, ah, he said that.....*Bifur does the actions again* Umm... Thorin..and our company...were..walking, but we had no food..and Thorin....went to go find some.

Bifur: *mimes spiders*

Bofur: Ah, yes, but then there were spiders, and

Bifur: *mimes separating something*

Bofur:...but we were...separated...

Thranduil: *sigh* I knew it. More of WHAT WE ALREADY KNOW. 

Legolas: *gloomily* I guess you'll want another tea...?

Thranduil: Yes, that would be nice. Might calm me down a bit. 

Legolas: Which kind?

Thranduil: Hmmm? Anise? Yes, good. Anise tea.

Legolas: *grumbles* Yes, master...*leaves*

Bifur: *mimes drinking, grunts*

Bofur: He says he's thirsty. 

Thranduil: I got that actually, thanks. 

Bofur: Fine. Just fine. I'm getting kind of tired of you, you know. 

Thranduil: Well, I still win. I was tired of you the moment you lot entered my dungeons!

Bifur: -__-

Legolas: Here's your tea!

Bofur: Bifur is still thirsty!

Thranduil: *elegantly sips tea* Oh, how quaint. 

Legolas: Here, have stagnant water! *throws canteen of river water*

Bifur: *drinks it* *faints*

Bofur: WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?

Thranduil: Legolas! What did you do???

Legolas: What?! I just got some water from the river! *smirks*

Thranduil: Legolas, the river is enchanted, remember?? Only Elves can drink it!!!!!

Legolas: Whoops. 

Bofur: WHAT THE DALE???

Thranduil: Oh, Valar, why is this happening??

Bofur: I DON'T KNOW! MAYBE YOUR STUPID SON--

Thranduil: HOW DARE YOU? NOW I SHALL LEAVE HIM THERE UNTIL HE WAKES UP!!

Bofur: I doubt that. 

***********5 hours and 25 cups of tea later***************

Thranduil: I cannot beleive I am wasting my day on this........

Bofur: *snoring on the floor*

Legolas: *carving arrows in the corner*

Thranduil: *sets another mug on top of a teetering stack*

Guards: *gossiping*

Bifur: *wakes up* *grunts* *looks around*

Thranduil: Wake up, Dwarf. Axe-head is stirring. 

Bofur: *groggily* Eh? Oh, hi Bifur!

Legolas: There. 49. 

Thranduil: 49 what?

Legolas: *satisfied* Arrows, in fact. Need any?

Thranduil: It's possible....

Bofur: Okay, can we get on with it? 

Thranduil: Sure. Guards?

Guards: *look up at the same time* Yes, my Liege?

Thranduil: You may take them away now. Oh, make sure they get something to eat. 

Bofur: WHAT?

Thranduil: *affronted* Well, I would think you'd be hungry! You don't have to have food!

Bofur: No, that's not what I....You made us stay here for nothing?

Thranduil: Well, Legolas accomplished something, at least. Sorry you didn't. 

Bofur: So that's it then. We don't have to be here. 

Thranduil: Not technically, no.

Bofur: *curses in Dvarvish* 

Thranduil: Alright, then. Bye now! *cheery wave*

Bifur: *turns and walks out of the door*

Bofur: *scowls* bye.....

Guards: *push them out*

Thranduil: Legolas, who is going to wash all my cups?

Legolas: Make someone else do it!

Thranduil: Like who? You're my favorite!

Legolas: You're the king! Go find servants!

Thranduil: *sigh* But that takes too long! Please??

Legolas: *he said please* *oh my* *wow* Alright, sure. Fine. Just this once.

Thranduil: Thank you! *sits back*