"When do you have to be back?" He asked me as he looked over at me.

"I was supposed to be back hours ago." I carelessly shrugged. He widened his eyes in shock.

"What!" He shouted. He jumped up from his sitting down position. "Payton your mom is going to literally kill you!"

"Chill out bill,"

"Why are you being so laid back about all this!?"

"Because I'm high,"

"Fuck sake," he sighed sitting back down on the grass. "Payton you can't do this, your mom is going to kill you. You're gonna get sent to another state and I'm never gonna see you again why the fuck would you do this?"

"She won't be home,"

"Why won't she?"

"She's got another date tonight, she won't even check if I got back she'll just think I was in my room."

"And you're sure that that'll work?" He queried.

"Course it will," I said confidently. "Trust me I know what I'm doing."

"If you say so,"

I laid back as I rested myself on to the grass on the field. I saw Billie from the corner of my eye as he did the same. It was beginning to become dark. As the sun was setting and the stars were starting to become visible.

I looked over at him, he looked up at the sky. Almost admiring it. His facial features were still, but yet he looked serious. I do wonder what goes on in his mind. What is it he thinks about. What keeps him up at night. What breaks him. What makes him feel sad and powerless. And what makes him feel like he's never felt better. What is it that runs through his mind when he wants to do nothing more but lay back and watch the sun fall from the sky.

He was troubled, that was for sure. But he wasn't trouble. And that was for sure.

As every person did, he had a soft side. The sort of side that only I saw. Because he let me. The part of him that likes to sit in silence and think, the side of him that has such a sweet spot for the sky, the side of him that let him go completely insane for me. And I don't think he meant to do that part.

He looked over at me, his face was serious but as his eyes laid onto mine, his features softened a little. Like he didn't look at me the way he looked at anything else.

I loved him, I do. And the miracle of my life was he loved me as well.

But what hurt the most was sometimes I think him and I got so wrapped up in my situation with my mom I forgot he was suffering too. He was so strong, he made me forget. And the only times I remembered were when I'd see the marks.

I looked down at his lip. His busted lip. He told me his stepdad had done it this morning.

I wanted to save him from that. As much as he was an idiot, he was a kind-hearted one. An idiot with good intentions, but a bad brain. He never meant to fall into this tragedy of ours, and neither did I, but yet we did. And we only got hurt more.

"Do you ever," I paused for a second trying to think of the right words. "Wish you could... unlove me,"

"No," he said quickly. With no hesitation. There was a tone of certainty in his voice that made me feel calm. "Why?"

"Because obviously this situation hurts y'know," I sighed.

"Of course it does," he clarified, "but as much as it hurts, it makes me happy. Loving you makes me happy. It's the 'I do but I shouldn't' that makes me sad."

"I just worry sometimes," I shrugged off. "Y'know,"

"Course I know," he said as he turned his head to look back up into the sky. But I didn't look away. I didn't want to.

I never wanted to. But every time I saw him always came a time when I had to say goodbye and look away. And sometimes I panic that was the last goodbye I would ever have said to him, without any of us knowing it.

"I wrote you another song the other day," he whispered, his eyes still lost in the stars.

"You did?" I smiled.

"I did, remember that night. Where the rain came down and you told me you wouldn't let me lose myself to it, you grabbed me by the wrist and you took me where I needed to be. You took me home, and you told me to find out what it was I was feeling, make certainty of it and when I know to tell you,"

"I do, you told me how you feeling didn't matter."

"It didn't matter because I loved you. And I loved you so much I spared telling you..."

"Spared?"

"Because when I told you, it made you sadder and I knew it would. But when you said it back it was sort of like a bittersweet epiphany. I realised how much you loved me, but on what coast? I underestimated how much it would hurt to love and never have you, so yes. I spared you."

"You don't need to spare me," I sighed as he looked over to me.

"Why don't I?"

"I've never been spared before, no need to spare me now."

"I was scared to hurt you. So I bottled it up, and I wrote a song that night after you walked back, alone in the dark. I remember vividly worrying about you while writing it. I worried if you made it home safe. And I worried if you made it home all in one piece."

"All in one piece?" I questioned.

"You looked so close to falling apart," he whispered. "That when you walked away. I watched you as you extended your arms and allowed them to rest on your own shoulders. I watched you as you physically held yourself together, because you knew how close you were to breaking and you thought no one else would do it for you."

"I wasn't-"

"Did you make it home in one piece?" He asked. His words hung in the bitter air for a while.

I breathed out, I closed my eyes for a second or two before looking back at him. "No," my voice trembling.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"What for?"

"That I didn't have the guts to hold you together myself, instead I watched you walk away as you struggled on your own. You were so busy worrying about what it was I had to say, that you didn't realise you were close to breaking. You were too busy worrying about me losing myself, you hadn't realised you were about to slip away too." He breathed. "And even though you did that. I still didn't have the courage to tell you what it was I wanted to say. That I love you, but it was just the fear of upsetting you more."

His words were beautiful. Painfully beautiful. He made me realise the things I had been so completely blinded of. "You don't have to be sorry," I whispered gently back to him. "You don't have to be anything. You worry too much that you're doing the wrong thing. You worry about hurting me, about not being there for me, and you don't seem to realise everything good you've done for me. Laying here with you right now isn't enough for me. I'll admit that. Because I want to hug you, I wanna kiss you, I wanna be with you. And not just by the side of you, but for now it is enough. Just as long as you stay by me, you don't have to be sorry."

"I just-" he looked up at the sky, as his eyes flickered around. He was thinking of the right words. He looked back at me, his eyes with that sad look in them. The sad look I hated. Because it made my heart feel heavy. But what I hated more, was that the look he gave me right now, was becoming familiar. The way his heartbreak shined through his green eyes was becoming familiar. "I want you. But I'm not allowed. I want to love you, but I'm not allowed. I want to hold you, but I'm not allowed. I want to be with you... But I'm not allowed."

"I can't even express to you how badly I wish things weren't this way. I wish life had better timing for you and I. I wish we had met and fell in love possibly later in life. When I could have you."

"You wish that?"

"No," I sighed changing my mind, "I guess I don't. Because maybe I didn't realise but I needed you when you showed up. Cause you're the only light in my life right now. But I do wish the falling in love part came later than it did." I laughed slightly.

He smiled. When I laughed he smiled. "I love how you still manage to laugh through a heartbreak."

"I love how you can still smile through one too,"

"I smile because you laugh."

"I laugh because of you."