"Light it up birthday girl," Tre grinned passing me the unlit joint. I took it in my hand.

"Why thank you," I laughed. I looked around the circle of I, Tre, mike, Billie, violet and Addison. "Who's got a lighter?"

"I have!" Billie said quickly diving his hand into his pocket and pulling out the same lighter we used last night to light up the candle on my cupcake. I smiled lightly taking it from his hand.

"Thank you,"

I lit up the end of the joint before taking a hit, and we began to pass it around the circle.

"I can't believe your mom left you on your birthday," violet said, "especially you're eighteenth."

"I know, but I guess I'm happy she did. I'm enjoying this," I smiled.

"The weed or us?" Tre asked as he blew out the smoke and passed it over to mike beside him.

"The company you idiot,"

"Your turn Billie," Mike said nudging Billie with his elbow and the joint in his hand. Billie zoned back into reality when mike nudged him as he looked around confused.

"What did you say?"

"Here," Mike said trying to pass the lit joint over to Billie.

"I'm not really feeling it," he shrugged. "Here," Billie said taking it as he passed it straight back around to me.

I took it from him and looked at him confused. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm just not really in the mood to get high tonight."

"And why's that?" I asked him as I looked at him, and passed the joint straight over to violet on the other side of me without having any.

"I guess I just don't wanna feel like that right now," he shrugged.

"First time I've ever seen you decline a joint," Mike sniggered.

"Shut up," Billie sighed. He didn't seem to have much effort in him right now. He looked tired and worn down. "Can I use your bathroom?" He asked me.

"Sure, come on I'll show you where it is," I said standing up, although he knew. But I would have preferred to ask him alone what was wrong. Maybe then I would get some sort of answer. I was worrying. "I'll be back in a second," I said looking back down to the rest of the group as they nodded and Billie and I walked up the stairs.

"That room there," I said as we got to the top stairs as I pointed to my bathroom door.

"Thanks," he said as he began to walk over to it, but I wouldn't let him. I quickly grabbed his arm as he turned to me confused.

"What's wrong?" I asked him worryingly.

He looked at my face closely as he breathed out, I let go off his arm. I don't think I needed to still have hold of it anymore.

"Billie I'm worried,"

"I'm okay," he finally said.

"You're not. I can see you're not, why are you lying to me?"

"Because it's your birthday and you don't deserve to be worrying about me. I'm okay." He assured.

"But Billie, I-" I stopped myself mid-way through sentence looking into his green eyes. They looked so sad tonight. And it's breaking my heart. He's breaking my heart, and I can't help him. "Okay," I whispered. He turned around as he headed into the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Everything sucks.

Agreed. Everything bites.

I decided to quickly head into my room just to wait for Billie, I sat down on Addison's bed. "I wish you was here," I whispered to myself as I felt my heart knot up. I ran my fingers over her pillow as I picked it up and sort of hugged it.

Nothing smelt like her anymore, the scent had worn its way out of every seem of everything I had left to remember her by.

I dropped the pillow as I stood up and walked over to my closet door and opened it.

The only way I can really remember her is the perfume she left behind, a half-empty heart-shaped glass bottle of her favourite perfume. She loved it, she said it wasn't too sweet. Just sweet enough. Every time she ran out she bought the same one again.

I picked up the bottle from the top shelf as I took off the cap and smelt the inside of it.

It's her signature smell. She wore it on days when she didn't need to. She always smelt nice. The nights where I would melt myself into her hugs and be surrounded by the smell of this perfume. I would wear it every day and then buy the same perfume again if they still made this type, but they stopped around the same year Addison took her life. And it had more meaning to me she had once used this exact bottle. God, I miss her.

I sighed as I put the cap back on, I admired the bottle in my hand for a moment.

Her scent made me feel calmer. It sounds weird, but it did. It made me remember everything. It brought back all the memories I had let myself forget.

'You shouldn't have left me here on my own,' I thought. 'Who do I have to look after me now?'

But now, the even more familiar scent hit my nose. As I felt two arms wrap themselves around my waist and a chin rest on to my right shoulder.

Boys cologne, cigarettes and sometimes weed.

I put the bottle of perfume back as I silently turned myself around in his arms and wrapped mine around him, allowing them to rest over his shoulders. We said nothing, he spoke nothing, he told me nothing, and I believed everything.

That's who you have to look after you now.

"I love you," he whispered, still hugging me. I felt myself bite my lip as I tried so hard not to cry before weakly whispering the words back.

"I love you too,"

We pulled away from the hug, The room was dimly lit up from the street lights and the moon through my open curtains. A silver lining of the dull light danced on his facial features. His eyes looked so very sadder than I last remembered them looking.

The amount of pain he and I had felt. Made it easy for us to connect with each other, on so many levels. I knew he was the one as soon as my eyes landed on him.

It was like my soul had told me that he was the very one I had been looking for, and I didn't have to worry anymore. Because he was here. Like my journey was over, but the heartbreak started when I learnt his name.

"Please don't cry," he whispered. His voice was full of hurt as he took his hands away from my waist. He gently removed mine from over his shoulders as he intended his fingers with my trembling hands.

"But how can I, your eyes..." I paused. "They make me so sad."

"Why?"

"Because you're hurting."

He said nothing.

"Aren't you?" I whispered.

"We're both hurting, but it hurts me more when I see you cry. You can't cry on your birthday, birthday girl."

"Birthday girls cry too," I sniffed

He looked at me sadly for a moment before I spoke up again.

"I don't want to be like this with you Billie," I spoke up, "I want you so badly, but I don't want this."

"What's this?"

"This hurt, this pain, this aching agony in my soul, this heartbreak, this suffering, this suffocation in my life, this torture and tormenting situation you and I are in." I broke down, as I felt the tears spill from my eyes. But this time I didn't resist, I didn't need to. Because I saw he was crying too.

"One day, one day I promise you. This will be over and you'll finally be happy."

"But I'll still have you won't I?" I sniffled. "I'll still have you here with me, and I'll be able to love you properly, won't I?"

He took in a deep breath as I felt my chest begin to hurt. I was physically hurting.

"I can't promise you that part," he sighed.

Everything in me hurt so much, but yet the emotional pain drove my mind away from the burning feeling I had in my stomach.

"But- but you said I'll be happy," I stuttered, "You said to me I will one day finally be happy,"

"You will,"

"But not without you Billie," I sobbed, "I won't be without you. You're the one and only thing that keeps me happy now, you're the one thing that makes me forget about my pain and my worries, you make me forget that my life is shit. when you're here with me, I forget that my world is falling to pieces around me. You make me forget." I cried. He said nothing but dropped my hands and pulled me close into his chest in an attempt to comfort me.

I felt myself silently break as he held me tight in his arms. Not wanting to let go, and I didn't want him to.

No matter if I found someone else who could make me forget my world was on fire. If it wasn't Billie it wasn't the same. I'll never find anyone like him. They won't have his humour, they won't hold me the way he does when I cry, they won't sneak to my window at stupid in the morning because they miss me, they won't listen to me ramble about my problems like he does, they won't understand me the way he does.

And even if they did. The pure fact that would tear me apart was they weren't him. No matter even if they acted like him in every way, knowing it wasn't him would make everything feel less than what it was.

"I fucking need you, Billie," I chocked.

"I need you more than I need anything else, but seeing you like this breaks me up," he sniffed. I pulled away as I looked up into his green eyes. The trails of tears that ran down his face. I pulled down the sleeve of my shirt as I whipped them away as he sniffed some more.

"I hate when you cry." I pouted. "I hate when you're sad. But what I hate even more is that I'm the reason."

"Hey, hey don't say that." He said knitting his eyebrows. "You don't make me sad. You make me happy, you make me forget what sad even is, you make me feel like everything is okay when I know it's not. It's not you that tears me up, it's the situation. And we can find a way around this-"

"-and if we can't?"

He paused for a moment.

I think if I ever did have to leave Billie behind despite not wanting to. As much as I would be absolutely and solely crushed. What would destroy me more would be knowing he was back here upset too. Even the thought of him crying hurt me. Seeing it was another level of emotional and physical pain for me.

"I don't even want to think about if we can't," he croaked.

"I think it's the saddest thing that I've fallen in love with you," I whispered, "but I don't think I would ever want to unlove you even if I could,"

"Why?"

"Because when loving you," I paused, "I've forgotten what hating myself felt like."

He said nothing but looked at me with those sad puppy eyes. Those eyes that said everything, that told me he was hurting when his ego would not let him. He blinked as another tear escaped and rolled down his cheek. I felt him drop my hand as he wiped it away.

"I can't believe I'm crying," he sniffed as he laughed slightly. "I never normally cry in front of anyone."

"Never normally?"

He sniffled "I only cry in front of someone when I'm really hurting, and even when I want to cry I don't let myself. But recently I've not had the energy to act tough anymore."

"Why?"

"Love does things like that to you I guess, like how it makes you forget how disliking yourself can feel" he blinked "but whereas in my case." He whispered gently, "I loved you so hard I softened."