Its nine o'clock, and starting to get dark as the sun fell from the sky. As the moon began to become more visible and stars began to come out into the night.

You've got to, you owe it to him. I kept telling myself. I looked over at him.

We laid underneath the stars, star gazing. My mom was on another date, and I guess billies mom just never realises when he's gone, or maybe she just doesn't care.

He looked over back at me as he smiled lightly. I smiled back as I looked up at the stars.

I can't keep waiting around for something better. It's either tell him or let it suffocate my soul for the rest of my life.

This is the boy I've chosen to fall in love with. He was everything I needed him to be, and he was with me every day and yet never mine.

Some days we laughed until we cried, other days we cried until we laughed. But every day with him was perfect.

We laid Under the stars. In silence. But we didn't need to speak, we didn't need to force any sentences to come out. Because it wasn't the bad sort of silence.

Stop stalling. Just tell him.

And I still think it's a sad thing how it's so much easier to just say nothing at all.

But I learned this the hard way:
You either say how you feel and fuck up or say nothing at all let it fuck you up instead.

"Hey, Billie?" I said as I looked back over at him. He looked over at me.

"Yeah?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"Course you can."

"Well, here goes," I whispered to myself as I sat up from my laying down position. I watched as he also did the same as I turned to him. Sitting crossed legged looking at him. I breathed in. "I don't how this is gonna come out, because I'm trying not to try too hard And speaking my feelings isn't my forte. But I think I should just tell you."

"Okay, go on."

I was sick of feeling like I couldn't breathe through these thoughts and my feelings. And I looked into his eyes and realised it wasn't just me. We both drowned under the waves of words we weren't saying.

Because we try to hide our feelings, but we forget that our eyes speak too.

I wanted him to know, but I just didn't want to tell him. Or how in fact to tell him.

"Payton? You zoned out." He said looking at me confused.

"I'm sorry." I laughed shaking my head. "Actually erm, I forgot what I was gonna say." I lied.

"Oh." He said. He looked away from me and tilted his head upwards to be met with the blanket of the stars above our heads.

I looked up too. I've given it a few tries to tell him, but nothing goes right in my times.

But we know we shouldn't even be here with each other right now.

I think I'm done, I think we're done, yeah this is done.

I looked over at him to tell him I was gonna head home. And I saw he was already looking at me. I smiled, and he returned his signature grin I had grown to adore. And all the while I was feeling butterflies crawling up the walls of my stomach, does it feel like this for him?

I love him, more than he'll ever know. All because I won't tell him.

Violets right, he'll never know how strongly I felt for him if I don't tell him. He's not a mind reader.

And here's that part again where the guilt-tripped in and I knew I had to.

Not just for him, but for me too. Every second that passed of this between us was slowly tearing me up.

"Payt?"

"Yeah?" I said. Looking in his eyes.

"Whenever you go, you won't forget the moments we shared like these. Will you?" He asked.

"I could never forget moments like right now on nights like these."

"I don't want you to ever forget me."

"How can I?" I laughed. "You're annoying, you're hilarious, you're the worlds biggest asshole, you make me want to scream, you ruin my days then save them last moment, you drive me crazy, you're completely out of your mind, and sometimes I swear I hate you guts. But you're everything I've ever needed."

He smiled bashfully revealing his crooked teeth.

This was the boy I loved. A little bit messy, a little bit ruined a beautiful disaster. Just like me.

"I need to tell you something though," he said as he stopped smiling. "I don't think I could ever forgive myself if you left, and you were far away and you never knew this." He told me.

"What is it?"

He sighed. And looked down, then back up at me. "Promise you won't freak out?"

"I swear."

"Here goes nothing," he breathed out.

I bit my lip nervously, as the storm in my head began to get louder overthrowing the thoughts in my head.

"I love you," he whispered.

And the storm inside me fell silent.

"You do?"

"I know, I shouldn't and I've been eternally screaming at myself in my head for letting myself fall in love with you but-"

"-I love you too." I cut him off. He looked up at me surprised. His lips slightly gaped.

"You love me? Me? Why?"

Home is a place that makes you forget, even for a second that the world around you is on fire. And he was just that. "Because you feel like home to me, that's why I love you."

He smiled widely. Then it faded as he looked away.

"What is it?" I asked him worried.

"I thought I would feel better when I told you how I felt. And hearing my words bounce off of you I thought I would be happy,"

"You aren't?"

"No, because now I just realise. That you and I will never be able to be anything more than friends."

He was right, he was right. He was painfully right. And that's when the thunder in my mind began to come back.

"I did not go through all this pain for nothing," I whispered to myself as I looked down at the grass we sat on. "What are we gonna do?" I said looking back up at him. I realised he had tears in his eyes, and then I realised I did too.

He shrugged. "I don't know, but I know I want you."

"Billie," I whispered sadly. I watched him blink a few times and try to wipe his tears away.

"I can't do this, I love you Payton. I really love you. And I've never loved anyone like this. I'm in love with you and you'll never even be mine." He chocked.

I was so in love with him I would do anything. But yet I did nothing. Because anything I did do would rip me away from him.

And the saddest truth. Was realising you've fallen madly in love with what can never be.

I feel bad, and I should. I've made him sad and I knew it would.

"This sucks," I spoke up. "No ones knew me the way you do."

Billie joes P.O.V

Well, I think it was safe to say that love wasn't my thing. I never had luck with it.

But I looked at her, and she reminded me of everything I forgot I was.

She saw love in empty hearts, she saved the best of her for the heart that understood the worst of her.

And that was me.

And I'll confess, I love her more than I let on. But our worlds weren't ready to process how strong I felt. And I couldn't pour myself into hands I couldn't hold without feeling my heart break a little just knowing she'll never be mine.

"Will it be this way forever?" I asked, holding back more tears from spilling.

She finally looked up at me, with her big sad eyes. "Maybe not forever, but I don't know how much longer I can take this."

~ flashback ~

"So if it's that dangerous speaking to me why are you speaking to me now?" I asked her.

"Well, I heard you were kicked out of your last school... and I'm kind of interested." She shrugged

~

"Lucky enough, Billie it's rigged I'm telling you. The whole point is for people like you to put their money in and it'll only give you ten tickets not-"

"-SEE! WHAT DID I TELL YOU!" I shouted excitedly cutting her off, she looked over at me shocked.

~

"Yeah," she smiled. "I like storms. They let me know that even the sky screams sometimes too."

~

"But your Payton? You don't care what anyone else thinks, who could possibly see you jump into that pool and you would get embarrassed by what they think." I asked her.

"You," she muttered.

~

"Thank you Billie joe," She whispered softly to me.

"You don't need to thank me. It's my job to be here for you."

"But it's not supposed to be and-"

"-But I've made it, okay? So now it's my job and now I'm right behind you and I'm ready to catch you when you fall and all the rest of the cliché shit," I laughed. "You got me, Ives?"

She smiled and nodded giggling again. "Yes sir."

~

"I always thought I was a hard person to like until you made it seem so easy." She whispered.

"Maybe you think you aren't for everyone. But you're definitely the person I've been in need for."

"Right back at you Armstrong."

~

"Can, people be happy places?" She asked.

"Yeah, I guess they can," I said. "Why? Who's your happy place?"

"I-I think it's you." She stuttered. "You're my happy place."

~

"It's not like we're a thing. So I shouldn't have been angry, and I guess it's not like we have a choice."

"We don't?" I said.

She sighed. "I mean- I don't know Billie. Maybe we don't."

"You- you don't think we have a chance?"

"To be together? it might never work out between us."

~

"Like you," I spoke. "I would set fire to everything around me, but I would never let a flame touch you."

~

"What do you want?" She asked me.

"You."

~

"But I won't let you lose yourself in the rain."

~end of flashback~

"I've waited so long, for more heartbreak." She whispered.

"I wish I could change things for us,"

"Me too," she sniffed. "I really love do love you. Nothing makes me sadder than this situation we're in. But I just can't seem to stop loving you."

"Maybe the time has something in store for us." I shrugged.

"Like what?"

"Maybe something big. Maybe we just need to wait for our break."

"Wait until my mom dies? Or I turn eighteen and suddenly they're giving away a free house? Or one day my mom wakes up and stops being controlling and says I can do what I want." She said sarcastically.

"I'm just trying to be positive."

"What is there to be positive about Billie?" She said as she looked at me through the air, tears in her eyes. "We're two teenagers stuck in love and regularly tortured with the love we can not have. We get fucking hit at home, and yet the only time we think we have a break by finding 'love' it's thrown back in our face cause it's from a person we can't have. I love you with every single cell in my body Billie I really do but I will not pretend to be positive anymore when we have nothing to be positive About."

I nodded. "I know Payton, it's okay," I said as I placed a hand on her shoulder.

"I can't fucking live with this anymore." She said as she began to break, her tears spilling out her eyes. I quickly pulled her into a hug as I felt her wrap her arms around me, she began to sob on my shoulder as I tried to comfort her. Occasionally letting her know it's okay, or rubbing her back lightly.

I was holding her while she cried, I was holding what I couldn't have while they cried about the fact that they couldn't have me.

But I don't think she had realised. I had begun to sob too. Only silently, so she wouldn't know. Because my plans were never to make her sad. And I've done just that, and I don't need to do any more of that.