I sat with my phone in my hand waiting for him to call. He hadn't talked to me since I left him at his doorstep in the rain.

I walked home slowly that night, as the rain got worse and I caught myself in a storm. But the storm in my head was colder than the winds that blew that night.

Seconds ticked like minutes when he didn't call. Did it feel like that where he was? Wherever it is he was.

It's breaking me slowly. But I can't leave it alone.

It's nearly nine pm. It's starting to get dark, I think I need to just accept sometimes he isn't thinking of me when I'm thinking of him.

My phone began to ring as I quickly answered. "Hello?"

"Hey payt. I'm sorry about the other night." Billies voice said down the line.

The telephone made him sound miles away, while I began to get a little meaner. "Okay."

"What do you mean okay? Are you okay?"

"You sound so much further on the phone."

"I'm sorry?" He said questionably.

I sighed. "Have you figured out what it is you've been trying to tell me yet?"

"Yeah," he breathed out. "I did."

"So what is it?"

"Well, I thought it out. And I thought about it and realised that it doesn't actually really matter."

"So what? You're not gonna tell me."

He sighed again. "No."

"Alright fine," I said a little bit annoyed.

"Are you angry with me?"

"I'm not angry at you," I admitted to him. "I'm just angry at the world."

"Yeah, you're telling me."

"So are we meeting today?"

"We can if you want to."

"As long as we don't argue." I laughed. Brightening up the mood between us.

"We won't, hopefully."

"Good. I'll be at yours in ten."

"Gotcha."

"Bye Beej,"

"Bye Payton."

After I was ready, I left the house as I met Billie at his front door. And we decided today that we weren't gonna argue. And instead, we wanted to head back to the bridge. So we did, we walked all the way to the bridge and once we reached it sat carefully at the end of it.

"I love it here," I whispered as the cold wind blew my hair around. I tucked it behind my ears, looking across into the dark void of the night.

"Me too." He said. I looked over at him to see the darkness of the night too was catching his eye. As he looked straight forward.

It scared me how strongly I felt for him. I loved everything he did. The way he said anything. The way he did anything just made me fall more in love with him more.

He looked over at me as his eyes looked into mine. "Staring?" He asked me. "Getting a good look there?"

"Oh shut up." I scoffed as I looked away.

"I wish we didn't have to hang around in secret." He said sadly as I looked back over at him.

"I guess things just have to be this way."

"I'm not even that much of a bad kid- why does everyone think I'm such a bad kid?"

"Billie," I said softly as I leaned my head on his shoulder. "I don't think you're a bad kid. I think you're an amazing kid."

"Everyone seems to think I'm fucking trouble."

"Well, you are,"

"Exactly-"

"-But you're not just trouble."

"What do you mean?" He asked me confused. I moved my head as I looked at him.

"I mean you are trouble. They're right about that. But that's not all you are. You're so much more than that and I think you're great."

He smiled. "You think?"

"I know."

"I'm really glad I met you Payton."

"I'm happy I met you, Billie. I guess you are pretty cool."

"You guess!? I am!" He shouted as we both laughed together. Then once again fell into silence.

And now was the perfect time. Wouldn't it be perfect if I was just to tell him how I felt right now?

"Hey erm, Billie..."

"Yeah?"

I felt myself get more nervous.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Course you can."

Well here goes nothing.

"Billie I-"

"Wait hold up." He said quickly as he pulled his phone out his pocket. "Mike's calling."

Oh, thank god mike you saved me from a big fucking mistake.

"Hello?" Billie said bringing the phone to his ear. I heard mumbling on the phone. "I'm just at the old bridge with Payton right now." More mumbling. "Seriously?" He asked unimpressed. More mumbling. "Alright fine. We'll be there soon." He took the phone away from his ear as he ended the call and looked at me.

"What was that about?"

"Apparently we're playing at Gilman again tonight." He said.

"You are?"

"Apparently so, you wanna come?"

"Y'know it." I smiled as we both got up and carefully down from the bridge as we made our way down the stairs. We sat on the bottom stairs waiting for mike to come to pick us up in his truck.

After a while of waiting Mike's red old truck pulled up in front of us. Tre and violet at the back as Billie quickly rushed up and into the front seat calling 'shotgun' as I squeezed into the back besides Violet.

"Hey Payton." She smiled as she looked over at me.

"Hola,"

Once we reached Gilman. We all went backstage with the three guys and chilled with them In some room until they came on. They then left leaving me and violet on our own in the back room.

"So what were you and Billie doing before we ruined it?" She asked me.

"Actually I'm glad you ruined it. I was about to make one big mistake." I confessed. She looked at me excited.

"Ooh really? What!"

"I nearly told Billie I loved him." I laughed casually. I then looked over at her once realising I couldn't hear her laugh too, to see she was looking at me surprised and shocked.

"You... was?"

"Yeah, good thing I didn't."

"No, it's not!"

"It is violet!"

"Why is it?"

"Cause even if he did feel the same way it can not happen. And it scares me how much I think I love him. He might even own my heart."

"Wow, you really do love him."

"I do and it's not a good thing. Why did I have to fall in love with the one boy I can never have?" I asked her helplessly as I sighed. "It's like the whole world just hates me at this point."

"Hey, that's not true," Violet said quickly. "It'll work out. I promise you."

"So what should I do?"

"Erm-" she looked around awkwardly. "-eh."

"You don't even know what I should do either do you?" I laughed.

"No..." she muttered quietly.

"See."

"Well... I think you should tell him, but I mean. I know you don't want to."

"It's not that I don't want to," I told her. "It's that I'm afraid."

"Of what?"

"To love him. Violet, I've never felt this way about anyone before. He's just strolled into my life and now it's all about him. I can never get him out of my head and as much as he winds me up, as much as he's crazy, as much as he's an ass I just can't get enough of him. And it scares me how strongly my own heart can feel for someone after every single time it's been fucking tormented like it doesn't even learn. I act like I'm just scared to tell him because he might not like me back. And around him, I act like I'm not even nervous every time I open my mouth. But my facade is a scam and I'm secretly screaming eternally and repeatedly In my mind." I told her.

"You're afraid to... love? Who made you feel like that Payton?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean who made you feel so scared to love someone who's obviously perfect for you in every sense that you bottle yourself up and then lose yourself in a room with me? Who?"

I sighed. "I don't know anymore, I guess it's myself."

"Yourself?"

"I guess I doubt myself too much."

"Payton I'm gonna be honest with you. I've never seen Billie so happy in his life. He goes through a lot and it's almost like you make him forget the pain he deals with. And I know he makes you feel the same because I see it. I see how happy you both are together, I see how upset you get when something makes you more scared it can't happen. I see how nervous you are when he starts flirting with you. But he is so deep and truly in love with you that I think he would be willing to do anything for you. And if you never tell him how you feel, he'll never know how strongly a girl once felt for him. He'll never know how he made you feel and he'll be left with so many questions that'll keep him awake at nights wondering if you ever felt the same. He may not be an open book Payton but you don't even need to try and read him to tell he's stupidly in love with you. And if you ever do leave this shitty hell hole of a town. I can promise you that Billie Joe will be left with so many questions unanswered if you never tell him these things. And they will forever torment him. You have to tell him, for his and your sake. If you love him you wouldn't ever leave him wondering if it was because he wasn't good enough or if he wasn't the expectations he needed to be. Because I can tell you, Payton Ives, no one forgets that pain."

She's right. She seemed to be a little bit mad with me at the end. But that's what I needed to realise she's right. I'm being selfish. And I can't do that to Billie, I love him too much to even think about him being hurt like that.

I can do this, I thought. Then: and even if I can't, I have to.