I hadn't seen Billie all day, which was an odd feeling to me cause ever since I met him I've at least seen him at some part in the day every day since. But today at school we obviously had to avoid each other. Since I couldn't be seen with him, and I didn't have any lessons with him today. So I didn't even see him at all, he didn't call after school. And I didn't call him either, it's not that I wasn't dying to talk to him. Cause trust me I was. But I began to think maybe I hadn't seen him today for a reason. Maybe I'm becoming too much for him.

And here I was again trying to sleep, but my god my mind would not shut up.

But tonight, it was different. My thoughts weren't every single problem I had or every single scenario I had been through that upset me.

They were actually, all just Billie. That's bad, isn't it?

Because what if one day I'm in another state and we lose touch. What if I'm never able to let him go the way he might be able to with me?

What if I'm forever holding on to memories of me and him.

What if I never forget him. But he forgets me.

I won't lie, I was hoping he would ring any minute now. But every single second that went by felt like it was slowly driving me insane. Just ring you idiot.

Just fucking ring, come on I'll answer I promise. C'mon Beej.

He's not gonna ring, is he?

Fuck it, I grabbed my phone as I began to wait for them to answer.

"Come on," I said out loud to myself getting frustrated.

"Payton! Hey, what's up?"

"Violet! I didn't wake you up did I?"

"No course not, I'm always up. Why are you up?"

"I can't sleep. You see, I've got a really big problem on my hands."

"What is it?" She asked me. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Yeah, I need another girls input in this and well, I think you're the only friend that's actually a girl I have. Oh god, that sounds pathetic doesn't it?" I said freaking out.

"No no! Not at all, Payton you're the only friend that's a girl that I have,"

"I am?"

"Yeah," she laughed.

"Oh thank god," I sighed. Feeling better.

"Okay so, let's hear about this problem."

"Okay, so here goes nothing. I-I think I- I might have a- maybe I've gotta-"

"-spit it out!"

"I think I have feelings for Billie." I gulped.

I heard her squeal in excitement. "Oh my god! This is perfect!"

"No violet, it's not. You see, even if he did feel the same. Which is a big if. We can't be together." I sighed.

"You can't?"

"No, I'm not even supposed to be his friend. I'm not even supposed to talk to him, but yet I'm sneaking out at night with him what seems like every night now. How would that even work? It just couldn't."

"Oh Payton," she whispered with sympathy in her voice.

"What am I gonna do violet?"

"Well, what do you want to be with him?"

"I don't know," I sighed again. "I mean, I want to be his friend, but then again I don't. Y'know? I mean, how can you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them, you're thinking about how much more you really want?"

"I understand,"

"I'm trying, I'm trying so hard to act like I don't feel like this. I'm trying really hard but I can't pretend it doesn't hurt when it really does."

"Sometimes, it's not the butterflies that tell you you're in love, but the pain."

"In love!?" I gasped. "No, no I'm not in love with Billie- I- I- I just like him!"

"Are you sure? It sounds to me like you love the guy."

"No, I don't love him, come on violet don't say that. I don't wanna fall in love with him. I don't wanna fall in love at all. Not if it hurts like this."

"That's love payt, only love makes you this crazy."

"If this is love. I feel like my whole heart is being stomped on, then I'm not interested."

"Payt I know it seems bad now, but it'll get easier when we get over this whole my-mom-hates-Billie scenario."

"So what do- what am I suppose to do?" I stuttered.

"The only thing I can think to tell you is to wait. If you truly want him then you'll have to wait for better timing."

"But I don't even know if he likes me back?"

"There's something there."

"What do you mean?"

"Payton, the way he looks at you. He doesn't look at any girl that way."

"He doesn't?"

"No, his eyes light up when you enter the fucking room, Payton. Like they've been waiting to see you, and I know you know this too. But Billie, he's not had it easy."

"No, I know."

"But sometimes, I forget he's even going through the pain he does when you're with him. And I think he does too. He just seems so much happier."

"What, did he tell you this?"

"No, he's trying to hide it. But I think he forgets our eyes speak too."

"But why would he hide it?"

"Why are you hiding it?"

"Because he might not feel the same, Violet. And even if he does It can't be."

"See," she laughed slightly.

"What?"

"That's why he's hiding it. He's probably scared to be the reason you have to leave."

"You think?"

"Oh god yeah. Me, mike and Tre think."

"What!?"

"Now go to sleep, you need it." She told me.

"But Violet-"

"- no buts! Sleep, goodnight lovely." The call ended.

"Fuck," I muttered to myself placing my phone back on the bedside table.

He's still on my mind. I still can't stop thinking about him. But out of every single thought, I lose sleep about and lie awake overthinking about. I think he's my favourite thought.

Because thinking about him didn't make me wanna cry as much as thinking about my problems. Not as much. But It still hurts.