2:20 AM

I wanted to call him, but I didn't.

I begged my mind to let me rest. I needed sleep, I needed to be sleeping right now.

I leaned on my shoulder as I flipped over.

Ow, I'm on that bruise I got the other day. Okay, let's move back to my back.

I pulled Addison quilt over my head pulling myself under the covers in frustration as I stressed out.

Pain is never permanent, remember?

Yeah, pain is never permanent. Pain does not last forever. The pain I feel will be gone when I'm feeling okay again. Just keep saying it: pain is not permanent.

Pain is not permanent, no. But tonight it's killing me.

It's half two a.m., I should be sleeping right now. But instead, I lie awake thinking about every single problem in my life.

I pulled the covers from back over my head and threw them at the end of the bed is too hot.

I go to sleep every night, I should be good at it by now.

I wish I could just turn my mind off. The thoughts running through my head were tearing me up. I wanted them to just, go.

But what could I do? I'm an over-thinker, I hate it. I make a big deal out of the most simplest things. I create problems within my own head. I get all worked up over nothing, I wish I could stop. It only makes things worse for me. I just can't help it.

And that's when I began to feel hopeless. After years of laying in bed silently being tormented by the little thoughts swirling through my mind. There's only one thing I've learnt.

Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.

But it's hard to sleep when your heart is at war with your mind.

And there it was again, that clicking noise on the window. I brought myself lazily out of Addison's bed as I wiped the tears off my face. I opened the curtains and the window to see Tre, mike and Billie.

"Payday!" Tre whispered up.

I rubbed my eyes in confusion, just to double-check I was seeing right. Sometimes my mind got the best of me, sometimes when I was really struggling with thoughts. I would see Addison a lot. Sometimes she would be next to me, across the room, in the room, holding me. But I never felt her. But the sad thing was it was just my mind trying to fill in for someone who simply wasn't there for me. Or maybe she was there, as much as she could be.

"She looks like she's still half asleep." Mike laughed.

"Hey, Payton you okay?" Billie asked with a concern look on his face.

My god no, I've been waiting for someone to ask.

"Yeah," I said shaking my head.

Of course.

"Why are you guys here? If my mom sees you she'll freak the fuck out." I told them.

"That's what I said." Billie shrugged. "But these guys were so persistent on seeing you they made me come."

And although I was terrified for them at the fact that my mom might see them. The fact that they wanted to see me, made me smile. Genuinely smile. Not fake, real.

"Wanna join us? We're heading to our spot, the field y'know? We're gonna go get drunk," Tre smiled holding up a case of beers.

"Aww Tre, y'know I would love to come," I smiled leaning on the window sill. "But if my mom finds out I've snuck out. That's me sent to another state."

"There's gotta be some loophole?" Mike said. I shook my head no. "What if we have you back before she wakes up?"

"When does she wake up?" Tre asked.

"Around ten?" I said questionably. "But it's too risky."

"Is she going anywhere tomorrow?" Billie asked me.

"Nope,"

"But we want you to join," Tre pouted as Mike joined in beside him.

I looked down at the three idiots. Two of them pouting and their hands together as they begged. The other one just looking a little lost tonight. Maybe the worries of the night had crept into his mind too. Maybe he was feeling like I was too. Maybe I should just say fuck it and go with them instead of being here crying to no one.

"Alright," I smiled. "Let me grab a hoodie, and put on my converse and I'll come down."

Tre and mike cheered before Billie shut them up, and I walked away from the window to grab my red hoodie. I put on and tied my converse as I grabbed my phone and began to climb down the pipes. Only leaving a crack open for when I needed to get back in.

Once I reached the floor I turned around to be swallowed into a hug by mike. Then Tre joined into it. As Billie awkwardly stood there.

We headed over to the field as Tre skipped happily in front dangerously swinging around the case of glass bottles of beers in his left hand. But it seemed to me like not a care in the world went through his mind. And that could either mean he was really and truly happy or the complete opposite. But man I just hope that truly happy people exist.

We reached the field as we all sat down under the blanket off stars in the night sky. Mike happily passed us all a beer. And everyone happily accepted.

"I'm glad you decided to come payday." Tre smiled.

"Thanks, Tre, but If my mom finds out I've gone then I'm dead."

"She won't, chill," Mike laughed.

"I hope you all enjoy tonight with me, might be the last night you ever see me." I joked, but I won't lie I sort of began to make myself worry as well that that would be true.

"Don't say that," Billie said.

"Sorry," I said apologising. Maybe that was too real for right now. "Are you okay?" I asked him. He seemed so off tonight.

He smiled weakly and nodded. "I'm fine."

Sometimes in life, even the people who have been the most honest to you can lie. Not in ways that may upset you or hurt you, but in ways to make you worry less. Actions can lie as well as words can. I had spent a lifetime as I watched the people who had not only lied with their words but their actions and every time I let it pass. I'd saw hate in smiles, pain in giggles but by far the most heartbreaking was helplessness in a smile. But never had I told them I saw it up until now.

I budged closer to Billie. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing,"

"Billie you can trust me,"

"Well I don't exactly have a reason to not feel myself tonight," he whispered. "I guess accepting it just makes things feel easier."

I laid myself back as he did the same as we sort of stat gazed.

"Don't you think stars are so beautiful?" I said to him looking up at every single one Illuminating its own little part in the sky. Like they all did a job. They all were important. Without one, some part of the sky would be gloomy. They worked together.

"I do, but I must admit. Sometimes I'm jealous of the stars." He spoke. "Just all in the sky, all enjoying their time."

"I wish life wasn't so hard." I sighed.

Billie joes P.O.V

"I wish life wasn't so hard," she sighed. I looked over at the stars. And it went silent. I looked over at her.

And for a while, she said nothing at all, but simply stared upwards into the sky and watched with sad eyes the way the stars had beautifully lit up the night sky tonight.

She had been through some shit, and we both knew it. And it had shaped her into the very person who I saw beside me. Sometimes she was silent, and that was deadly. And other times she seemed so alive and hyper that simply once she was gone you couldn't help but miss her energy.

A sky full of stars and I was staring at her.

She looked over at me too. And I think it was lovely, that in the dark and dead silence of the night. Her eyes looked over at me. Like there was something in me worth seeing.

Payton's P.O.V

"Y'know," I whispered gently cracking a smile. "Before you came. I was In bed, having a riot with my thoughts. And right now, laying next to you underneath the beauty of the night. And looking into your eyes, I'm beginning to feel okay again."

He smiled back, oh that smile. "I don't know which one was begging me more to see you tonight. Tre and mike or myself."

"You missed me?"

"I always do, the second you leave."

"You don't mean that," I smiled.

"Why wouldn't I?" He asked me.

"I don't know," I said as I felt my very own smile fade as I looked back up at the stars. "I guess people just normally get tired of me and leave."

He laughed lightly and I looked over at him confused. "I could talk to you for hours and not get tired of your voice, or your laugh. I could never get tired of seeing you, or your smile. I really could never get tired of seeing you at all."

"I always thought I was a hard person to like until you made it seem so easy," I whispered. It's a beautiful thing when you get so comfortable with someone and you realise you're telling them things you've never said out loud before. Not even to yourself.

"Maybe you think you aren't for everyone. But you're definitely the person I've been in need for."

"Right back at you Armstrong."

"Hey, guys!" Tre said as my view of the stars was blocked from Tre's face looking down at me smiling happily. "Me and mike were just chasing some fireflies."

"You were?" I laughed sitting up. I looked over at Mike who was out of breath.

"Yeah, you guys wanna join?"

"You want us to chase fireflies with you?" Billie asked him.

"Yeah."

And sometimes, even the most simplest things were what we are in need of.

"Sure," I shrugged as I got up. Billie shrugged Also as we stood up.

Whether that's comfort,

"I nearly had one then!" Mike shouted as he began to run around again.

Or if it's kindness,

"Well come on," I smiled looking over at Billie.

Or maybe it simply loves.

"I bet I can catch one before you!" He laughed as he ran in front of me looking around.

But sometimes you don't realise you've been in need of those things.

"Hey, you got a head start!" I shouted running after him as I also began to look for them.

Sometimes you can go your whole life without them.

"You little shit," I heard Billie mumble to himself as he just missed grasping one in his hands.

But once you find it.

"Maybe next time beej," I teased.

You'll know.

Maybe your heart will tell you, or maybe your Brain will just click on.

"I'll get it next time." He smirked.

But you'll only ever truly know. When there comes a time...

"When we get them what are we suppose to do?" Mike asked.

When you have to let them go.

"I guess we just release them." Tre shrugged.

But the real question within it is if you're willing to let them go or not.

And in my case, I didn't wanna let Billie go.

I didn't wanna leave him for another state. I didn't wanna never see him again.

I just wish life had better timing for him and I.

"You little fucker," Billie said again to the firefly that flew around him. He looked around and then his eyes landed on me, to his surprise I was already staring at him.

Because only now, was I ready to admit: I think I might want him.

He did a half crooked smile. "What?"