The following is the transcript of a quarterly meeting of parents, students, and teachers at a church-sponsored private school where strange occurrences have become commonplace. In other words, probably exactly like the parochial school nearest you.

Welcome

Welcome to the quarterly meeting of the parents and teachers of St. Francis Ecumenical Evangelical Economical Parochial School. I am Mary Margaret Nordstrum, Assistant Principal. Principal Smathers is at the Preschool – you know how Monday mornings can be – but she should be joining us shortly. 

     She's wearing her vest, so she'll be fine.

Invocation

Let us stand for the opening prayer. Pastor Woolsey is now resting comfortably at home and is expected to make a full recovery. 

 Since he could not be here this morning, he has written an opening prayer for us.

Let us pray.

[REMOVING PAPER FROM ENVELOPE AND UNFOLDING TO READ:]

"Heaven, help us all! Amen!"

[LOOKING AT FRONT AND BACK OF PAPER; FINDING NOTHING MORE; REFOLDING AND REPLACING PAPER IN ENVELOPE.]

Okay. Well, Pastor Woolsey will be his usual, more eloquent, self again once his medication is adjusted properly.

St. Francis Ecumenical Evangelical Economical Parochial School Mission Statement

Most of you are already aware of the St. Francis Ecumenical Evangelical Economical Parochial School mission statement, which may be read in its entirety by borrowing one of the three-volume sets from the school library at your convenience. 

 The Saint FEEEPS school board has approved the following abridged version for occasions like this one when time is short:

Ahem.

[READING:] "Saint FEEEPS believes in the Bible, the Apostles' Creed, the Nicene Creed, the Book of Common Prayer, the hymns of John and Charles Wesley, the sermons of Billy Graham, the edicts of the Pope, the writings of Martin Luther, the writings and speeches of Martin Luther King, Jr., the teachings of Chuck Swindoll, the stories of C.S. Lewis, and the monthly reports of our Certified Public Accountant."

https://youtu.be/Qzz0wpOTa1A

The Saint FEEEPS official scripture verse is Proverbs something-or-other, which says, "A soft answer turns away wrath." Parents who confront teachers in the hallway after school will always receive a soft answer here at Saint FEEEPS – not only because teachers have laryngitis by the end of the school day, but also because it is the Biblical thing to do. And also because here at Saint FEEEPS we always try to see the positive side of any issue.

Old Business

--7th Grade Book Report controversy

Speaking of "issues," the recent hostage situation in the middle school wing was resolved satisfactorily. The soccer team was released in time for the championship match against the Saint Agnes Aggies in exchange for fourteen 7th grade students receiving credit for turning in fourteen identical book reports on Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, even though the assigned book was The Red Badge of Courage by Stephen Crane. Five students who did not read the book Twilight, but did see the movie before copying the book report, received a score of 95, rather than 100 percent.

Unfortunately, the liberated soccer team lost the championship match, but they played a swell game. Everybody knows Saint Agnes is the toughest girls' school in town, so our boys should feel no shame.

https://youtu.be/-oJ8bVxmWyU

--Automatic School Lockdown System

Last quarter several concerned parents donated funds to install an automated school lockdown system for use in the event of security-related emergencies. We are blessed to report that the system seems to be working very well. Last Thursday at the beginning of second period the system was activated and the entire school was locked down in a matter of seconds. 

 The lockdown was lifted approximately 45 minutes later, when the administrative office staff managed to smash a window with a heavy-duty stapler and escape from the teachers' lounge.

Although this was an unscheduled test, the system performed just fine. A reward is being offered for information leading to the student who – I'm sure accidentally – broke into the control panel and triggered the lockdown mechanism. Informants are directed to call the Saint FEEEPS Squealers' Hotline at 1-800-RAT EM OUT. 

 And you CAN remain anonymous. Truly. We are much better at protecting informants since that nasty business with the dead cats last year.

Coming up Next:  Policies & Procedures Annual Review