~ ~ LEVI ~ ~

ONE WEEK LATER

"I heard Gage got out last week."

"Did he?" I asked, keeping my focus on the graphic as I was re-working because it didn't look quite right.

A hand moved in front of me and waved. "That's all you got to say?" asked Jamie, my best friend. "You ain't foolin' no one, sugar."

And she would be right. It had been eight days, seven hours, and fifteen minutes since his release.

Not that I was keeping track.

Liar. Liar.  My inner torment tossed in.

Okay. So I was keeping track, but only because it was the same amount of time that he still hadn't come to see me.

Not a phone call.

Text.

Nothing.

I put my pen down and looked up at Jamie. "Fine. I did hear. I heard about it from Derek because that's where he's staying right now."

I loved Jamie. After that night. And after the court case and Gage got sent down, I'd met her at the state appointed therapists' office. Her own father had been doing all kinds of ungodly things to her. It started before she could even remember and only quit when her mama snapped and drew his own gun on him. Shooting his head clean off... according to Jamie.

We became friends. Best of friends.

And when I told her I was gay—never even blinked an eyelid.

"What? So he hasn't come to see you yet?" she asked with a curious arch in her perfectly shaped brows.

"Nope," I answered, popping the p like it mattered little and tossing in a dismissive shrug, or what I hoped looked like one, anyway.

"You'd have thought coming here would be the very first thing he did."

"Nah," I shook my head. "I doubt he's even given me any thought."

"Seriously?" She blinked twice. "After everything he did? I mean, it's been what?"

"Seven years." I butted in. "I know exactly how long it's been."

Just saying those words out loud left a bitter taste and the inevitable rise of bile to my throat. My heart ached with longing to see him. Talk to him. Hold him.

Everything had changed and yet everything was still the same.

For me, that was.

Would he still feel the same?

I looked up to see my shrewd best friend carefully reading me. "What about all those letters I saw you positing, huh?"

Twice a week I wrote. I'd written enough words to fill a few hundred books by now. And Gage wrote back once a year.

Seven letters I had from him.

Seven letters I'd kept in a box under my bed, hidden away where only I knew where they were.

"Yeah, but I don't know if he even got them." Again, I tried to sound like it didn't bother me.

Jamie scoffed in disbelief and she was about to interrogate me some more when her phone pinged and I was grateful to whoever that was.

"Shit," she said. "I gotta shoot off." She moved toward the door then turned back around.

"I'll call you later," I said, returning my attention back to my work.

"Go see him, Levi. Don't wait on him."

"Huh?" my eyes rose, meeting her gaze and then dropping back down, grumbling."No, I don't think so."

"Why not? I don't get it? I know you've been waiting for him to get out. What happened between you two?"

"Nothing!" I snapped, frustration bubbling over. "Anyhow, shouldn't you be leaving!?"

"But he killed—"

"Nothing ever happened between us. Just drop it," I growled.

The last thing I ever wanted was to remember after what happened. All that pain, the fear. Not knowing. More than once, I wasn't sure if I'd survive losing him.

Jamie walked back over and kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry. I just want you to be happy."

So did I.

"Don't forget to call me," she said and then she was gone.

After spending another half hour working, my dog, Rascal, a Rottweiler cross came and nudged my thigh. I looked down. "Are you trying to tell me you're ready for your walk, my handsome boy?"

He nudged my thigh again, and it was his way of saying yes. I loved Rascal. It was how I met Derek. Gage's cellmate.

He brought him to me almost two years ago now, and I kinda hoped Gage had asked him to do it. But he never said that.

Heading out, it was almost dark when we got back to the house. The sun had dropped beyond the treeline, leaving the sky with fading shades of blue and grey. Nights were getting colder now fall had begun in earnest. And I shoved my hands deep into the fleece-lined pocket of the jacket I had on.

As I looked out across the fields, I knew the path by heart to Derek's house. My Ma's sister had lived a few doors down when I was a kid.

Maybe I could just walk by? And maybe, just maybe, I'd seen him.

"And maybe you're stupid," I mumbled to myself.

I headed up the path of the cracked concrete driveway toward the front door.

Rascal was busy sniffing when I spotted it.

A note pinned to my door.

And I knew it was from Gage.

He'd come to see me, and I hadn't been home.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I carried on cursing under my breath as I turned around and frantically looked up ahead, hoping he might be hiding in the shadows.

No such luck and I spun back around and plucked the note and fumbled in my pocket for my key. My hands were shaking by the time I'd unlocked the front door and flipped on the light.

Why was I nervous?

There had only been a handful of times I'd felt frightened, like I couldn't breath in my life. And this letter in my hand was of them.

I knew it wasn't like any of the other letters I got from him.

Those were all the same. He would talk about how he missed me. How he thought about me and my letters kept him alive and gave him hope.

The letter in my hand right now. It felt weighted down with anything but hope.

But thinking back on all his other letters, none of them had said we would be together when he was freed. Never once said he would come for me. In truth, Gage had never promised me a damn thing.

Those promises had all been inside my head.

And with every hour that passed since he'd been released, that worry—that fear got stronger.

What if all this time, I'd felt more for him than he could ever feel for me? Or what if seeing me would bring back memories he wanted to forget?

He witnessed something so terrible that night and did something that had taken years of his life away from him.

Perhaps I would always be a reminder of that?

Or worse yet, maybe even hate me a little?

If I was thankful for anything since that night, it was that my memories were hazy because Kenny had drugged me and the blow to my head had taken away the worst of it.

Gage didn't have that luxury. It would burn his memories into his brain.

And the guilt that left me along with when the judge sentenced him had almost been my undoing.

If not for the small hope I had that one day, we would be together.

And to hell with what people thought. Yeah, he might have been my step-brother for a brief amount of time, but I never saw him in any brotherly kind of way.

Walking through to the kitchen, my eyes still fixed on the letter in my hand, I sat down.

It took me another good few minutes of breathing and praying that I was wrong before I opened the damn thing.

Another calming breath and I read it.

Levi, it started and my stupid emotions got the better of me and I dropped it on the table like it had burned me.

Idiot. Cursing to myself, I forced myself to pick it up.

Levi,

I've been out for a week now, wanting to come and see you but not being able to because I'm a coward where you're concerned. I keep thinking about you and I can't get past knowing that I'm not good enough for you.

I think about that night and I want you to know that I don't regret what I did and not a day goes by since, knowing if I was given a chance for a do-over, I would make the same choice—the outcome would always be the same.

And because of this, I know you deserve a man who hasn't had his hands dirtied by blood. I should have told you to find someone else a long time ago, someone more worthy of you, but I couldn't. I needed you while I was in there. I was a selfish asshole and I hope you can forgive me for that.

I love you Levi, too much to come to you and be with you like I know you want. Like I know you hoped.

Find someone else. Someone you deserve. I'm sorry life has been shitty for you and us and that our chance was ripped from us. But know this. I loved you from the day I met you, before I even realised what love was. It was you.

Be happy. Follow your dreams.

Gage

I was numb, and I didn't know how long I sat there at that table with tears dripping down my face and it wasn't until Rascal whined and laid his head on my lap that I snapped out of it.

"It's okay, boy. I'm not upset with you." I rubbed his head.

A part of me knew this was coming, but hope does things to a person, keeps them going.

And worse still, this was all about protecting me. Worried that people might think badly of me. Why didn't he get that I didn't care what others thought of me... of us?

Bitter cold settled in every part of my body. My chest rose and fell, desolation filling the space where my heart should be beating.

Rascal barked and snatched the note out of my hand.

"No..no..no, Rascal!"

It was too late. Rascal was shaking the letter. I tried to pull it from his mouth but now covered in his slobber; it tore in two.

I sat my sorry ass on the floor and he dropped the other half and then licked my face. I couldn't be angry at him.

He barked again. "What?" I threw my hands up in the air.

He barked again and then sat right in front of me, like he was trying to tell me something.

And then it hit. Hard. Fast.

I would not let Gage walk away.

Give up on us.

It was my turn to fight.

Fight for him. Fight for our future.