In an instant, the infinite white world becomes a classroom shrouded in the twilight. Unknown to me at first, I am sitting untied on a chair. Monika's face is right in front of me, centimeters away from my punch.

I try to stop my hand at the last moment, but it is far too late. My knuckles inexorably crash into Monika's delicate cheeks.

Fortunately, my body was sitting still before I hit her. So, only the force of my arm was behind the punch. There was no speed nor weight behind it.

Monika recoils back with a look of utter confusion on her face. She almost loses her balance. Visibly stunned, she delicately rubs her painful cheek with her hand.

Meanwhile, I am as confused, and horrified, as her.

What the hell!?

I was in the white world and a blink later, I was in the space classroom.

Monika!?

Although still puzzled, my immediate thoughts shift to Monika. I get up from the chair I was sitting.

Ethan: "Monika! Are you ok?!"

Monika looks at me with a resentful expression, her hand still rubbing her cheek.

Monika: "Wh...why…?"

I quickly glance at my surrounding. Except from one table and two chairs, the classroom is empty. Stars and other celestial objects seem to be looping behind the windows. The whole scene is bathed in an orange light.

I'm in the space classroom. But why…?

Ethan: "I didn't mean it! Just one second ago, I was in an infinite white world with the 'gods', I wanted to punch them and just before I could hit them, they transported me here!"

Monika: "Really…?"

She observes me carefully.

Ethan: "Yeah!"

After several seconds, she replies:

Monika: "Alright. I believe you."

She unexpectedly lets go of her angry expression.

Did she believe me that easily? Why? More importantly, why I am still alive? They claimed I was dead!

Monika: "Ethan, can you sit down please? I need to tell you something…"

Before I was in that white world, Monika told me she would make me stay with her forever...Then...did she delete the other girls!?

I want to ask Monika that question right away, but I decide to sit down for now. She will surely talk about that in a moment.

Just after I sit down, ropes appear and tie my legs and left arm to the chair! I barely have the time to resist.

I shout at her:

Ethan: "Monika! The hell are you doing!"

I am trying to somehow break the ropes by stretching my legs and my left arm as strongly as I can, but it is completely useless. The ropes barely move.

It's pointless! I should remain calm and think instead.

Monika: "Sorry, but this is just in case..."

What did she immobilize me? Is she afraid I would hit her again? What is she going to do to me..!?

I shudder. I am completely at her mercy.

Monika sits down on the opposite chair and rests her elbows on the table, her head supported by her hands. Her pose is just like the one in the game.

First, I need to confirm what happened.

Ethan: "What did you do? Did you delete the other girls!?"

She doesn't look surprised in the slightest.

Monika: "Yeah, I did. For us and their sake."

More like for your own selfishness Monika…

So, as I feared, you deleted the other girls. It crashed the simulation like in the game, then, like my letter said, I am now stuck forever in this world...and dead in my original world…

Anger and despair rise again as I remember the nightmarish scene of my own death.

Monika: "Wait...you died? What happened in your world?"

What? Can she read my thoughts now?

Ethan: "Hold on. How can you know what I am thinking?"

I know she can read the logs but I thought she couldn't read mine?

Monika: "Yeah, that was true until now. I couldn't see any file or log referencing you. It was as if you existed outside of the simulation."

Ethan: "'Until now'?"

I'm dreading the answer.

Monika: "You have a character file... Ethan.chr, and I can see everything you do and think."

Monika's words freeze my soul as coldly as the glacial wind of Antarctica.

If she can see my file...does it mean she can edit it!?

Sweats are beginning to drip down my back.

Monika: "Yeah, but don't worry my love! You know I will never hurt you."

Monika's answer barely comforts me. The girl I love looks more and more like a godly enemy against whom I am completely powerless.

Monika: "Why do you think you died? What happened to you in your world?"

I can sense genuine worry in her voice.

As I force myself to remember that shocking scene, I gulp my saliva down.

I answer with a mix of anger, sorrow and grudge in my voice:

Ethan: "It should be obvious Monika. I can't exist here and in my world at the same time...So to stay in this world forever, my original body had to die…

I say the next sentences with venom:

Ethan: "Do you understand Monika? By making me stay here, you killed me. And there is no going back."

Monika breaks her condensing pose and instead leans forward. She brings her right hand to the extremity of the table, as if she could reach my own hand to comfort me. Monika's beautiful visage is expressing honest regret and guilt.

I stay motionless. Right now, I have no intention of forgiving her.

Monika: "I...I didn't know it. I swear I didn't know you would die if I deleted the others…!"

The table in front of us suddenly disappears. At the same time, Monika's chair is brought closer to my own so that she can reach me.

Ethan: "Of course you didn't. You never even tried to think about anyone but you, am I wrong?"

I am illogical. I am unfair. I unconsciously know Monika actually thought about the others, and especially me too. But even though I am not showing it with tears or shouts, negative emotions are raging inside me, and Monika is their target.

Monika's hand softly caresses my left hand. I briefly tries to resist but of course, I can't move.

Instead, I coldly say:

Ethan: "Don't touch me."

She pulls back her hand. My reaction seems to have really hurt her.

Monika: "Ethan, please, believe me. I really didn't think you would die...I thought that, maybe time would be stopped in your world, or maybe you were cloned when you first came here…"

That makes sense...I considered about those possibilities the first day I was transported into DDLC, but reality was merciless. While I was in this world, time continued to flow in my world. I was probably sent into a coma. Then, when it was decided I would stay forever here, my original body died…

Monika: "Are you sure you really died in your world? What exactly did the 'gods' make you see?"

I ponder a bit. Can I really trust what they showed me? Or what they told me? They could have been lying the whole time. Considering their constant sarcastic tone, I can easily imagine that...They said Monika deleted me but that wasn't true...Could it be it's still not too late?

Bright hope rises from the dark pit of my thoughts.

Ethan: "Yeah...Or maybe, maybe not...You can read my thoughts, right?"

My voice is as not as resentful as before.

Monika: "Yeah."

Ethan: "Then read them. I will now try to remember what happened step by step…"

I try to relax my body and my mind as I do my best to recall those emotionally charged memories in the right order…

…

I am trying to remember them as if I was watching a film, to detach myself from my emotions. Still, the terror and fury I felt were too intense. I can't help but make several pauses between each paragraphs. Monika encourages me to continue each time it happens.

After a dozen of minutes, I finally finish remembering as many details as I could of my chat with those damned 'gods'.

I am sweating and shaking. If it wasn't for my anger, at the 'gods,' at Monika, at me, at everything, I would probably be crying and seeking comfort.

Monika is gently stroking my face. I still resent her, but remembering those events redirected most of my hate at the 'gods'.

Ethan: "Did you see everything…?"

Monika: "More like I read everything. I can't see your thoughts, I just can read text and binary files archiving your actions and your thoughts."

She quickly adds:

Monika: "I know it won't change anything...But please know that I'm truly sorry for what happened...and what I have done…"

Ethan: "...Before that...what do you think of the 'gods'? Do you think they lied? Do you think I am still alive and that there is a way for me to go back?"

I eagerly await Monika's answer. She surely thinks like me there is still a chance, right?

But my faint hope is instead shattered by her reply:

Monika: "I'm sorry Ethan, but I don't think so. I don't think they lied to you...You are...really dead…"

I vehemently try to deny her:

Ethan: "No! Look, you didn't hear them but those guys, they sounded like internet trolls! I'm sure they were lying! They even said you deleted me, yet here I am!"

Monika shakes her head from left to right, to gently disagree with my opinion.

Monika: "They said 'maybe' when they talked about me deleting you. On the other hand, they never expressed any doubt when they showed you your death. Moreover…"

Right...It's true they only said I was 'maybe' dead in DDLC...But even so, they still could have shown me fake pictures and lied about my death!

Monika: "You have a character file now. It wasn't the case before. I can now feel you through the codes. You are truly one part of the simulation, just like me."

Although she still looks sad, I could see one beginning of a smile showing on her face.

If...if I really have a file now, it means...I might truly have become irreversibly an A.I, forever stuck in the simulation with just Monika...

Ethan: "No...then...what would become of my family, of my friends!?"

Monika bites her lower lip, showing her guilt and regret.

Monika: "I'm sorry…"

Ethan: "I can't, I can't stay here. I don't want them to mourn me…"

Monika: "Ethan, I know I can't replace them but,..."

Monika cups my face with both of her hands and looks at me affectionately.

Monika: "I will always be here for you. I love you, now, forever and ever"

Her voice, full of genuine love, softens a bit my despair, but hate rises soon again as I remember she is one of the causes of my death.

Ethan: "Ahaha, of course, you will...After all, that happened because you wanted to lock me here with you, without even giving me a choice…"

And you even deleted the other girls for that…

Monika: "It's your fault too...Can you imagine how heartbroken I was when I found out your lies? I even asked to you to be honest with me but you still continued to try deceiving me! It hurt, it hurt so much! I hated you.."

While speaking, Monika pulls back her hands and lean them on her thighs, hands clenched.

Lying isn't nearly as bad as killing someone...

Monika: "But I still loved you. And more than anything, I was terribly scared of losing you. So, I deleted Sayori, Natsuki and Yuri…"

Her hands are opening, pointing she is letting go of her anger.

Speaking about them, she made backups of them right? Can she restore them?

Monika: "And yeah, I made backups of them! I can restore them anytime. I know you are probably thinking I didn't care about them, that I just saw them as hindrances"

You're right. That's exactly what I'm thinking.

I still remember how Monika strangled them without hesitation.

Monika: "But that's not true at all. Do you remember when you told me your lie about you dying? Do you remember when I thought about deleting the girls, to then restore and edit their files to fix their problems?

Yeah...It seems like it happened a long time ago even though it was just maybe 2,3 hours ago...At that time, Monika appeared to be genuinely concerned about her friends.

Ethan: "So, are you claiming you deleted them out of friendship for them? Because it was the only way to save them?"

Monika: "Yeah...Like I said, I know you don't believe me but...all this time I have been thinking about them. When our initial plan, using the placebo effect, failed, modifying their files was the only solution left. But, I didn't want you to die... So I mercilessly knocked them out…, knowing I could solve everything after the festival."

Yeah, she said something like that before the last rollback...About her fixing their memories and their problems after the festival.

Monika: "I would be lying if I didn't resent them. Even if they didn't mean it, they were the cause of the rollbacks. They hurt you, and took you away from me."

Monika: "Nonetheless, I still cared about them. That's why, when I learned you wouldn't die if I deleted them, I was glad. Not only because I could be with you, but also because I could put an end to their sufferings."

Monika's emerald green eyes are staring straight at my own. She appears to be completely honest and serious. I am slowly getting convinced by her words.

Monika: "..."

Several seconds pass.

Maybe...maybe she really cares about her friends. Maybe she deleted them to save them…

Ethan: "I...might believe you…"

I try to move my uninjured arm but it is still tied to the chair.

Ethan: "How long are you going to keep me restrained like this?"

She hesitates a moment:

Monika: "You're not going to do anything rash, are you?"

Ethan: "I admit I'm not in the best mood right now...But I won't hurt you or myself...That would be utterly pointless…"

Monika: "Alright."

As she says, the ropes binding me finally vanish. I let a sigh of relief. Getting tied into position was pretty uncomfortable.

While stretching my limbs, except my right arm, that is still in the makeshift splint Monika made, I tell Monika one of my last grudges towards her:

Ethan: "Fine. Let's say you deleted the girls for their own good. It doesn't change the fact you killed me. Did you really think of my own feelings before forcing me to stay with you forever?"

I get up and stand still in front of Monika. I'm tired of sitting.

Monika: "...I know you asked me not to delete them. I am aware you told me you weren't sure whether to stay in this simulation...But I was angry, sad, disappointed and so terrified..."

I don't reply. I can understand Monika's feelings. But still, I can't just forgive her immediately. The vivid pictures of my heart ineluctability stopping on that hospital bed are too recent. I died, and it wasn't a nightmare. It was reality.

Monika: "You're still hung up over your death, right?"

I tighten my hand.

Ethan: "Do you even need to ask?"

Monika: …

Hints of anger are appearing on Monika's visage. Her lips are beginning to curve downward.

Monika: "Ethan, don't hate me for that...You're not the only who could have died, you know? If I didn't delete my friends, if you returned to your world, you know what would happened to me, Sayori, Natsuki and Yuri?"

According to Natsuki's letter...they would have been killed, probably...

Monika: "You said I might have been able to survive my deletion and restore everyone...But even in that case, without you, I don't think I would have had the strength to do that…"

Monika's voice is slightly trembling. She is closing her eyes, shivering.

So...If I didn't die, the girls would have died, basically...

Monika: "Yeah...I didn't want you to die...I didn't think you would. But looking back at it, it was you or this world. It's not fair to blame me for your death."

My hateful feelings are gradually disappearing. Instead, guilt and doubts are replacing them. I lower my head, deep in thoughts.

Me or Monika. Sayori, Yuri, Natsuki and a whole universe…

Monika: "Can you really say that your life is worth more than ours...? Besides, you're still alive. Here. With me."

She approaches me, step by step, and opens her arms wide open, inviting me to hug her.

That's right...Wanting to go back to my world, sacrificing an entire universe in the process, was incredibly egoistic...how could I blame Monika for that…?

I reject her invitation and instead walk toward the windows.

Ethan: "Sorry Monika...I think...I need some alone time to meditate..."

She replies, disappointment apparent in her voice.

Monika: "...I understand. I will make a new room adjacent to this classroom. I will be waiting inside. If you need anything, water, food or comfort, just call me, I will always be there for you my love…"

My heart is taken by a filament of guild when I realize Monika is still supporting me despite my selfish accusations.

Monika…

I support myself against the window with my left arm. Like in the game, seemingly infinite number of cosmic particles are floating in the void. There is nothing else.

How is that even physically possible? This room should crack due to the pressure difference and the temperature should quickly drop to almost absolute zero…

Ah...who cares...that really doesn't matters…

I stop looking at the void. I turn around and sit on the cold floor, my back against the wall. My knees are gathered together, like in the fetal position.

Nothing does...

Although the classroom isn't cold, I'm silently shivering.

It's over...It's finally over. No need to worry about [school/work], about deadline, about money...About how to save Sayori, Yuri and Natsuki...About how to deceive Monika…

I bring my head closer my knees.

I was wrong...My struggle was useless...Even though I tried so hard to find the best ending...It was absolutely pointless...I should just have told Monika the truth at the beginning…

Whatever…

It's pointless to ponder about the past now…

It's pointless to try…

I remember one of the things they said: "The five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance."...Ah! Seems like I'm now stuck in the fourth stage…

I could have sneered at that thought, but I can't. What I feel is only calmness and hopeless sorrow.

Damn them...There's nothing I can do anyway. Me against 'gods'! What a crazy idea…

It's over. I should just give up…

Actually I will do just that…

Memories of lovely emerald green eyes and an irresistible smile of a certain someone comes to mind.

I should just think of Monika from now on.

Just Monika.

Just Monika.

Just Monika...

Just…

Monika