Boy 1: *throws a ball*

Boy 1's mom: Tell him to stick to music.
**
Boy 2: I'd make a great diabetic.
**
Boy 1: *hobbling around with a scratched toe* 'Tis but a flesh wound!
**
Boy 2: What's English, amirite? I don't speak English. I speak French.

Boy 1: You dropped out of French! Shut up.
**
Best friend: Your pancreas is broken.

Boy 1: *1950s newscaster voice* It's dead.
**
Me: *gives Boy 2 gum*

Boy 2: Mercy. That's how you say "thank you" in French.

Boy 1: It's merci.
**
Best friend: I've been reading the books since I was seven.

Boy 2: I've been not reading the books since I was alive.
**
Me: *points something out*

Best friend: Ooh! It's so pretty!

Me: Okay, I know you're not looking at the thing I am.

Best friend: The fireworks!

Me: The spider.

Boy 2: I was looking at [Boy 1].

Boy 1: Shut the fuck up.
**
Boy 1: I'm cool enough for [parties]. [Boy 2] is cool enough for [parties]. [Boy 2], what are you missing out on right now?

Boy 2: A DP.

Boy 1: Yeah, you are.
**
Boy 1: Show them some of the Instagram videos you send me.

Boy 2: No, they're messed up.

Boy 1: Yes, they are.
**
Boy 2: You remind me of a homo sapien.
**
Boy 2: *throws fruit snacks at my face* STOP READING
**
Best friend: ...you musical beast.
**
Boy 2: We'll burn your book!

Me: This isn't even my book, it's my mom's!

Boy 2: Doesn't matter, the book's going down.
**
Dog: *runs over to say hi*

Boy 2: That's my greatest fear, a dog running right towards me.

Me: His tail is wagging! He's sweet!

Boy 2: He could be tricking you.

Me: Dogs aren't smart enough to trick you.

Boy 2: They're as smart as toddlers.

Me: Toddlers are dumb!

Boy 2: Toddlers will mess you up.
**
Boy 2: Yeah, [Friend 1]! I think about you when I tie my shoes!

Best friend: Hot.
**
Uncle: I'm really disappointed in you two. You have not done a single - a single - minute of Jeebus praising.
**
Best friend: Gracias!

Uncle: Grassy ass?

Best friend: Grassy ass.
**
Little boy 1: I threw a knife at a tree.

Little boy 2: Was it dead? 'Cause otherwise that's abuse.
**
Woman: Well, I hope they didn't name the baby Vodka.
**
Best friend: The audacity of these bitches to be fucking happy.