None of these have to do with the 4th of July because everyone in my life hates the American government. Including me.
*
Friend: I had to play "Despacito" 6 times yesterday.

Me: This is so sad. Alexa, play "Despacito."
**
Me: *breaks a plate*

Mom: *whispering in my ear* I don't really like the one with orange stripes, so go for that one next time.
**
Dad: Stop sexing your custard.
**
Mom: Look at [Ash]. He's getting older. You can't see as many differences [between Izzy and him].

Dad: I try not to look at him.
**
ash_117 : If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: stop shooting the aardvark.