ryan told me that for a while he felt fake just like i had he felt the same way which is even worse that he felt like he couldnt tell me about it i wonder if it mean ayan has finnally sunk i asked im scared to see kill me mean he said its over no turning back now and why am i crying about it i thought i felt nothing for him so why am i crying what is wrong with me now im high on chocolate arnt i lucky i have sad songs right at hand the song thats on loop now please dont go im such a fucking idiot im an idiot im stupid i shouldnt have been so quick but then again he felt like it wasnt going to work so i guess it was better to do that i always said id break my own heart just to save his so i guess i meant it what i dont understand is why he pretended to love me for so long it felt so real i felt like i had someone i could fall back on someone who could comfort me how did he make it seem so real and why why did he even try he said he was scared of my reaction if he told me mut i would have understod why why did he do that i trusted him i fucking trusted him god im such an idiot he says he wants to stay friends and that the truth but i dont trust him the only person i trust any more is you and kitty and as soon as kitty starts being all buddy buddy with ryan again that trust is going down the drain why did i trust what is wrong with me i told he to be honest and not feel like he had to say any of that stuff so why did he why did i belive him its stupid god fucking Georgia if she hadnt pushed it i would be perfectly fine i would still be fine with him and kitty things would be so much better i wouldnt be a mess right now why why did i trust such an idiot like him im not gonna tell kitty this shit and mom probably wanted this to happen wait no its not his fault its not mine if mom haddent implanted the idea of him being a bad influence if she hadent taken my tablet wed be fine my god shes such a fucking bitch she is why my search history is so scary reading through everything i sent to ryan befor all this shit it reminded me why i liked him in the first place it was like he didnt care about anything else he was out for himself which i liked it made me happy when i found out he liked me that he would put himself out there for someone else he was so blunt and wouldnt lie so why did he why did he lie for 3 weeks like that what was going through his mind i hate it how im so torn up over this it makes no sense im supposed to be emotionless why why why why this is so stupid im such an idiot for belive someone exactly like i said he was only out for himself he didnt care about me at all every stupid thing i did made him realise that more and more but what it did id made me think hed stay with me forever when all it was was he would lie to me until i relised he was thats why he didnt care when i told him i kissed someone without even thinking he acted like it didnt matter he acted like it didnt matter cuz he didnt give a damn about it or me i mean nothing to him he dosent care if i stay friends with him why would he even want to stay friends im not gonna be as open about anything to him anymore its not gonna go back o the way it was hes such an idiot for thinking so what did i ever see in himim supposed to be emotionless but i cant even seem to be calm in this situation i played it through my mind so many times the day wed split up it ment nothing to me why why why am i so effected by this i wanted it to last so long i pictured the future i thought weed ad lest get through the summer but i guess not like really why did i think that heack were not even technicly in 8th grade yet this shit is so stupid why did i even think that my mother is right i hate to admit it wait no shes not right shes just a manuulative bitch no better than my father acctully in this situation shes worse he didnt mind he was supportive of all my friends he might joke abit but my mother by god did she hate him it was like he was litteral satan himself must be exiled from this world i guess thats why i liked him other people say saten while i did myself i saw him as something to worship and love not someone to kill im so stupid i belong in a fucking insane assylumgeorgia is gonna hate it she loved ayan went as far to write a fanfic what is she gonna say shell prabbably try and get us back together my god im so stupid to trust her she pusshed me to ask him out if i hadnt have done that this would all be fine i wouldnt be huddled in my room getting high on fucking chocolate and painkillers i need someone who will hold me and make me feel good aboutmyself my family obviously is no good at that my friends while they can help i only have one who i fully trust anymore i thought i had found someone he was so nice and sweet and fucking adorable but turns out it was all just a hoax a lie trickery why he did it i have no clue but all i know is im an idiot to trust himwell ive found a new song now its nightcored and on repeat what its like to be lonely i mean it dosent fit this situation amazingly but ive memorized if i die young soo got nothing else why am i doing this im emotionless im a fucking psycopath i dont care about anyone i dont get heart broken im an idiot well no cuz im the psycopath i guess im going back to my old ways and hidding again thats the emotion people expect you to cry people expect you to feel sad i know that deep down i dont this shit dosent phase me so im unconciuosly trying to hide that i need to stop who fucking care if i have no emotion im a psycopath im a psycopath i dont care about my family i trust no one no one deserves to even talk to me if one of my friends is reading this i want you to fucking know that im trying to reack my habbit of caring so when you say hi and i dont respond know that i dont give a damn about you and theres no way to change thatso my final conclusion after all this im not going to stay your friend ryan and all the time i thought i loved you was a masked made by georgia and the tears that streamed down my face were fake so any hope of fixing this is entirely gone so dont even try