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Chapter 21 – Josh's POV

Moonlight Mile

I'm driving home to see my Mom. She apparently found an old box of art stuff that's mine, and she told me I might want it.

Anything to distract me and not think about the Apple Scruff. The last meeting was...unsatisfactory.

            So I need a distraction right now. It's probably some of Jayden's old drawings. I have so much of it. Whenever I would see him, he would always have a new one filled with new art.

I remember evenings spent looking at his drawings and trying to copy them when I was younger, when he would be gone and I would be alone. I haven't opened a box of his in years though.

When I get home, I'm happy to see my father isn't there. I really don't have it in me to argue with him today.

Mom seems to be trying to overcompensate for the last time, being all cheery.

"I was doing some cleaning in your old art room and I found this box with your name on it. I assumed you might want it," she explains and hands me the box.

I smile when she hands it to me. It's a shoebox that's been painted over with my name on it.

I remember Jay's Mom giving it to me after he died. I've never even opened that one.

I thank Mom, and I chat with her for a bit, but I'm worried that my father might pop up at any moment so I leave not to long after.

I drive with the box on the passenger seat.

Jayden wanted to be a racecar driver at some point. He couldn't wait to get his license.

I stare at the road in front. I shouldn't be thinking about this right now, not while I'm driving at least.

Finally, I'm back at my place. Miss Puss greets me, and then heads off to her favorite corner by a window.

            I smile at her and then look down at the box.

I never look at Jayden's old art. I can't. It hurts too much.

But apparently I want to be in pain today, because I sit in the middle of my living room and open the box.

            First drawing is of the house in France. It's just the main lines and some aquarelle making the shapes.

            I smile at it, running a hand over the paper.

            Next drawing in the box is a cat. It's in aquarelle again.

            It's a black cat.

I smile more. I wonder if he did this painting for me. I always said I wanted a black cat.

Next paper is not a drawing.

I freeze.

No.

My hands shake.

When did he make this box? Did anyone see what was inside?

I'm shaking.

I pick up the letter.

No.

I don't want to read it, but I fucking read it.

Hi Jayden.

Huh, so can you maybe burn this letter once you're done reading it. Please. Pinkie promise. Shit.

Okay. So. Fuck. Okay. I can do this. Yeah.

I do remember what happened the night we stole booze from my dad's bar.

You said you had no idea what happened, so I agreed with you, but I was lying. I remember what happened.

Do you? Did you lie too?

I fucking hate Kendal. Like, I really hate her Jay. You've just concentrated all your attention on her because I think you're scared like me.

Or maybe you do like her. Maybe you love her too.

But that's only because you don't want to face the reality.

And the reality is that I kissed you that night and you kissed me back.

I fucking love you Jayden. I love you so much it makes me cry sometimes because I know nothing's ever going to happen between us.

And I'm going to bottle all of these feelings down after I'm done writing this letter. I'm never going to mention any of this ever again, and I'm going to forget it, and I'm going to shut down all my feelings.

I'll never love anyone else. I don't think I can.

So yeah. That's what I had to say. I love you, but I'll stop loving you now.

I'll be like your little brother again. I'll never talk about this ever again. I'll never even let myself think about this again.

I think it's better for the both of us, right?

So, for the last time, I love you Jayden Eaton, and I wish you were mine.

Bye.

Burn this. Thanks.

            I'm shaking. My eyes are blurry with tears.

            I look down at the box. There's another sheet of paper with a few words scribble on them, in Jay's hand-writing.

Hey Josh.

I didn't burn the letter.

And I did lie. I do remember.

            That's it.

There's something else written, but it's been scribbled all over and I can't read it.

What the fuuuuck? What the actual fuck?

No. No, no, no.

That's not fucking okay.

What was he going to say next? How could he do this time me?

I get up. I start pacing.

And then I crouch down and I hide my face against my knees and I start fucking sobbing.

He kept the fucking letter.

He kept it.

The motherfucker kept the goddamn letter and he never said anything.

I want to fling myself out the fucking window.

I'd been good. I'd done it. I'd never let myself think about any of this for years now.

I'd buried it as deep as I could in my heart.

And I'd never really loved anyone after that.

I stand up abruptly, still crying.

THE MOTHERFUCKER.

            He had no right to keep the letter. He was supposed to burn it. He wasn't supposed to reply to it.

He was supposed to burn it. He was supposed to burn it.

I'm hyperventilating.

Jesus, fuck, no, no, no.

Miss Puss is looking at me.

I walk up to her and pick her up and sit down on the couch and just hug her very tightly.

"The motherfucker, Miss Puss. Can you believe he fucking did that? I never should have opened that box," I tell her, burying my face in her fur.

She just purrs, unaware of what I'm going through.

I give myself five seconds. Five seconds. I think about his nice low voice and his soft skin. Like five seconds. I think about that night when I was thirteen and drunk and I didn't know what I was doing, but I knew that if I didn't do it then I'd never have a chance again.

And then I think about the fact that he's dead and I won't ever get to touch him again, or hear his voice again, and I fucking sob like a newborn baby.

I fucking hate Kendall. I fucking hate Kendall. I wish she was the one that died in that car.

She keeps going around making a mess of her life saying it's all because she lost the love of her life.

I lost the love of my life and you don't see me ruining Blake's life and making everyone around me feel like shit.

I lost the most important person to me and you don't see me acting like it. I'm acting strong. I'm happy and smiling and I'm okay.

I'm ignoring it. I'm not even fucking acknowledging it.

While that bitch is making a scene, like Jayden was only hers. Like she loved Jayden more than anyone else. Like Jayden loved her more than anyone else.

I fucking hate her. I fucking hate this.

I hate that he kept the letter. And that he was going to answer it, and I'll never know what he was going to say.

He would have probably told me that it was good that I was forgetting my feelings. That it was better this way. That he didn't like me like that. That kissing me had just been hormone and booze.

Even though he pinned me to the ground.

Just hormones and booze.

Fuck.

I get up. Let Miss Puss go. I put everything back in the box.

I want to burn it. This letter should have been burnt. It was always meant to be destroyed.

Why did he keep it to make me feel all of this again?
             I'd been good. I had almost forgotten it. I never thought about it.

Why? WHY?

I feel like I need to get out, but at the same time, I can't move.

I can't call anyone to talk about this. I can't go see anyone and vent about this.

No one will ever know about this. Only two people were ever allowed to know about these feelings at that was me and Jayden.

But Jay is gone now and I'm the only one left allowed to know.

I can't talk about this with anyone else, because no one should know. Ever.

Talking about it would make it real and dangerous, would make it so that someone might ask me about it at any moment and I'm never allowing that.

So I have to deal with this on my own.

It would have been nice to have the Beatles fan phone number right now. I could argue with her about the fallacy of her obsession and it could distract me.

She doesn't look like the type of person who would ask me why I was crying about a box.

What am I even thinking?

I think I need to burn it. But I also can't bare to do that. There so little left of Jay now. I can't destroy anything of his.

How can you hate someone but also love someone at the same time? I could seriously throttle him right now.

I sit on the ground again. I press my hand on top of the box. I let myself cry silently.

I can deal with this. I'll be okay. I've ignored these feelings for almost a decade now.

I should be able to do it again.

________

Hehehe.

Sorry. I like writing sad letters. MOUHAHAHAHA.

If y'all follow me on Instagram, you saw this coming. If not, did you see this coming? XD Did I leave enough clues? Does it make sense to you?

Josh always did love Jay's voice.

Was it too soon? I guess since I talked about this the other day, I kinda went back to it, and I just felt like it was time to drop the bomb. But yeah. Too soon?

Are we okay? Hahaha

Alright. Leaving now. You're allowed to hate me. I shed a tear writing this chapter, so I get it. XD