I wasn't sure of how to move forward, the way I'd left things with Jeremy I felt bad, as if I owed him something. But what could I give him, what could I do for him? I stood in front of his room door and knocked slowly playing with my fingers trying to find anyway to explain myself. Wondering if I even should, if I should just end this. Would that be so bad? He opened the door his regular expression souring when he saw it was only me turning and leaving the door open so I could just walk in then sitting back at his desk. It seemed like he was drawing again he hadn't done any of that in a while. I sat on the edge of his bed and leaned back in his chair "So you gonna tell me what the hell has been up with you lately" I sighed and looked over at him "I don't know how to tell you this" his face looked torn down, like someone had ripped his heart out "You slept with him?" his voice cracked and he stood up abruptly anger melting off his frame.

"Jeremy, I know I've been distant but you know me better than that" he shook his head "I'm not sure what I know Bonnie. I thought I knew you loved me, but ever since you went off with Elena to do that spell you hardly speak to me. It's like you're a different person" I looked down knowing he was right, I didn't want to be around him, because he would know. He would see it in my eyes, he would feel it in the way our lips met, he would sense it in my distance. I didn't love him anymore, and I've just been wasting time trying to figure out a way to say so "What's going on Bonnie?" he sighed asking for the 90th time since I've been back "You're right" I whispered looking down at my hands while my fingers wrapped around and pulled on each other "I'm not the same Bonnie who went with Elena to do a spell. And I wish I could explain it all to you but I can't... all I can really say is, I love you Jeremy just not the way I used to anymore" he paused at hearing that he looked conflicted, anger and hurt yet confused. He looked unsure of how to respond or what it meant, he had more questions exactly what I didn't need.

"Why" was all he said after 5 minutes of silence "The person I am now just isn't connected to you the way I was" he nodded and turned his back to me staring into space. It was hard to see him like this but he needed the truth and I couldn't lie to him anymore "Is it because of him" I groaned inwardly, of course he would ask the one question I didn't want to answer. I had just said I didn't want to lie, yet I felt as if I had to, how could I say yes and explain that it wasn't what he was thinking. Would he even let me explain if I said yes, I knew the answer so that is why when I opened my mouth to speak I said only one thing "No" it was a lie because Kol had changed me forever and I would never want another soul the way I craved his. He ruined me for anyone else, the Kol of this time didn't know how much power he truly had over me and I guess in my own way I was running from that truth as I lied to Jeremy.

"That's all I wanted to know. Is there anything I can do to fix this, to make us work again?" I shook my head "I wish there was but you can't, this is how I feel and I can't help that" he nodded "I understand. Could you go please? I need time to myself" I nodded knowing I had broken his heart. Between me, Vicky, and Anna, I wasn't sure how he could handle so much heartbreak. It would've been worse if I had forced myself to love him, I know in my heart that I would've never been able to and it would have been torturous to even try. I walked straight to Elena's room after that there was no one else I wanted to be around and I'm sure she felt the same. Lately the only person who even understands me anymore is her. I thought coming home I wouldn't feel so lonely, like a stranger in time, yet here I was again with the same feeling running through me because I'd spent 800 years out of time. 

It truly felt like nothing had changed like I should've stayed where I was "Hey, how'd it go" I gave her a look and slid in next to her under her covers "What do you think" she sighed and nodded "If it makes you feel any better I got an earful from both Salvatore brothers, Stefan still wants to love me and Damon is convinced that under my facade that I love him so I have no idea how to say I don't love either of them besides just not saying anything" I laughed and shook my head "Sooooo you've been dodging them" I asked making her smile "Like the Principal on Senior Skip Day" we laughed and she turned to me laying her head on my shoulder "Is it bad that I wish I was back? I want to lay in his arms, hold him, hear him say he loves me. I miss Elijah calling me little sister and Kol being annoying. I just wanna go back" she said tear falling down her cheek and running to the nape of her neck.

"Trust me if I could just wrap my whole body around Kol and never leave him I would. It's crazy thinking that coming back to our time after going back in it so far would make everything ok. We should've known when we fell in love with them that nothing would be the same" she went to respond but the door slammed open and Caroline stood with her arms crossed glaring at us both "So that's what's been going on with you two? You went back in time and fell in love with Mikealsons!" I froze looking at Elena stuck, wondering if Jeremy was listening "I came here hoping to understand why my two best friends in the world are acting like complete strangers and I find out it's because the two of you are keeping the biggest secret in the world away from me" I sighed and shook my head "Caroline we went over this, I can't talk to you! You blow everything out of proportion, and how were we supposed to know that you would keep that a secret" she gaped at me and shut the door groaning in frustration.

"I thought we buried that hatchet, I said I was sorry, and I wouldn't have said anything I just wish you guys would've told me I wouldn't have been mad, I would've understood" Elena sighed and shook her head and standing up "That's exactly what you don't get Care. You can't understand! There's so much time lost between us, so much you weren't there for that for us telling you even who we love is hard because you don't know them. You know the people they became without us and I don't know how to explain to you the hole I feel. The way my whole body aches without him and that's why you didn't know Care. I love you but no matter what I say you'll never truly understand" I looked over at Care and I could tell her heart hurt to see Elena so torn. She hugged her tight and rubbed her back, they hugged each other and cried for a moment before Caroline pulled her back to the bed and started to talk again.

"I might not fully understand but it still helps to have someone to talk to" she whispered rubbing comforting circles into our hands "Besides Elijah's a hunk I always secretly felt like you two would hook up and Bonnie the chemistry between you and Kol is impossible to miss. I could join your little sisterhood and snatch up Klaus he's been after me since he first got here then we can all have a brother" my eyes flickered to Elena and I saw the way her eyes narrowed at Caroline. She was never the jealous type but I knew Klaus was different. It was almost animalistic the way they were over each other back in his time. Seeing her now I knew that it hadn't changed at least not for her "Wrong brother Care" she gritted out making Caroline frown in confusion "Finn? Can't be. He's so... rigid" I rolled my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, God why does she have to make things so difficult?

"Care it's Klaus. Klaus is the one she ended up with" she paused and stared at Elena for a long moment, Elena stared back gaging her reaction not sure what to expect next from the blonde "I'm sorry I'm trying to be understanding but what?! Elena he-" she cut her off giving her a glare "I know what he did Caroline you don't have to remind me." she sighed and shook her head "I just don't understand how you could forgive him for that" Elena shrugged and stared off into space "It's not about forgiveness, it's just understanding. I understand better than anyone who's not Elijah or his mother. I know the man he could be. And that's who I fell for" Care gave me a look and I nodded "He was different. At first I didn't think it was real but he loved her in way that I didn't think was possible. We were actually friends. If she can bring it back Klaus isn't the man he makes everyone think he is" Care laughed dryly earning a glare from us both then covered her laugh with a awkward cough.

"I'm sorry guys but someone has to be the Bonnie of the situation. Don't you think it's a little unrealistic to think that you can change him into the same guy you left back in whatever time you jumped out of" Elena groaned frustrated "Don't you think I know that Care?" she shrugged "I'm not trying to rain on you guys' parade but be real Lena. Klaus killed your Aunt, tried to kill Jeremy, turned Stefan into his slave for 3 months, turned his emotions off, he made him try to kill you I mean need I go on. The man killed his mother how can a man like that change so much. I know you think because you saw a different side to him that maybe you could make him go back to that, but this time isn't that and I think you should stop trying to make it that" she stood up and sneered at Caroline "Why so can ditch thinking about Matt and have the other brother?! What happened to that Caroline who didn't think he was so much of a monster that you'd jump in bed with him now because it's me and it wasn't your Aunt who died it's all ok?!! Go to hell Caroline and stop coming into my house uninvited" she said stomping out of the room and slamming the door making us both jump.

Care just sat there with her mouth hanging open trying to understand what just happened. I sighed and started to get up to after her "What did I say" I turned to her and gave her a look "You know exactly what you did" I said crossing my arms "Look I get what you're saying and the Kol I've been seeing since we got back isn't too much different from the one I left. A little more playful and sharp witted but essentially the same. And if there's hope for him there can be hope for her. Maybe she should stop trying to change him but it's Elena and you know her better than that" she sighed and stood up walking to the door with me "Bonnie Klaus is not a good man and I just don't want her to end up dead before she finally figures that out" she said before disappearing and leaving me in the doorway alone. I didn't want to admit it but maybe she's right. Maybe Klaus can't change. The doubt has been lurking in my mind since he came back but she won't hear it. She loves him and if you know Elena that means she'll die before she gives up on him.

As her friend it's hard to know whether or not I should let that happen.