I paced back and forth in my room trying to think of what I could say to him. Would he even listen? I thought back to things I'd said to him and bit my lip as a tear ran down my face. I already hated being a vampire, my emotions kept hitting me like waves, it was weird everything was weird and before Elena came to me I felt like I didn't have to face it. With possibility hanging in the air that I would be here alone, that Elena would die, I convinced myself that I didn't have to face it. That I could shut myself in this room until I desiccated and I would never have to face life as a vampire. Yet here I am. I was standing in front of his door and I knew not what to do, if I should knock or walk away. Maybe I should come back tomorrow, it's midday but why not? I turned to leave when I saw him at the end of the hallway, he was watching me not speaking just watching. 

"Kol" I whispered rushing up to him stumbling a little "I still got to get the hang of this vampire thing" I said laughing a little to which he only raised an eyebrow at "You should get someone to help you with that" he said walking past me and into his room shutting the door. I looked back at him and the door, and sighed, I should've known it wasn't going to be as easy as me coming to the door and him swooping me into his arms. I walked up to his door and knocked softly, the door swung open and Kol rolled his eyes "What girl" he said exasperatedly "I came to- what is that" I said pushing past him and looking at his shirt, it was bloodied and I could see now that there was traces of it on the corners of his mouth "You've been out killing" he scoffed and pushed me away from him, shaking his head, he was offended.

"I've been at this a while now I know how to feed without killing. You should know that you know since you taught me, but I guess since I am one of those out of control blood bewitched vampires I'm liable to go off on a rampage at any moment" he bit out harshly "I didn't mean half of the things I said, I was upset, I just lost half of what makes me who I am I felt as though part of me died. And I guess in some ways part of me did die. I wasn't ready for it but there's no excuse for me taking that out on you" he nodded and took his shirt off "Well now that all of that soul searching is done you plan to go back to being the loving person you were I suppose right" I didn't know what to make of him, he was so angry with me and it's like every word I say in my attempts to fix it just make everything worse.

"Kol can you just let me apologize" he sat back on his bed gesturing for me to go ahead "I'm sorry, and I do love you and if I made you feel like for even a moment that I didn't I'm sorry, even if you don't forgive me now and I can see that you don't. I have all eternity now and I will never stop trying" I said turning to the door "Actually darling you're going home remember" he said the words coming out venom dripping from them "Actually I'm not, my magic was the way to the Willow and I don't have that anymore so there is no home, besides this one if it even still wants me here" I whispered before leaving and shutting the door quietly behind me. Yes, I'm giving up the search for the willow and any chance to go home. Yes I lied to Elena, I didn't have the heart to tell her after she made all that effort to make me feel better. By now I had tears flowing down my face, there was another thing I had lost and this time it was all my fault. I lashed out on Kol when I woke up to find that I was a vampire and that he was sneaking blood into drinks, and that he gave me human blood when we came back from being captured. All the choices he took from me I just snapped and I see now that that reaction may have cost me him.

Can I really blame myself for acting that way? Kol definitely does, there's really nothing I can do but apologize and try to move forward. What is forward? At this point the only choice I have is Elena, other than Kol she's all I know and love here. I sat in my room laying down on the bed and brooding "Well this is absolutely depressing" I turned to see Rebekah standing against the door "Bonnie I have never known you to be so macabre" I sighed and closed my eyes "Are you here to torture me" she laughing and threw herself on the bed "No I'm here to comfort you. When I was human my choices were taken too so I know how that must feel" I turned and pulled her into a hug which she returned with just as much love. Me and Rebekah had never been extremely close but we had become friends. 

This time gave me more insight into all that made her and I like everyone else could see what a difference having people to be there for her made "Thank you" I whispered into her shoulder "Think nothing of it. And fret not over my brother, he loves you more than he knows he will come around and even if he doesn't I have another handsome and honorable brother, who arguably would treat you so much better" we laughed and I shook my head "Elijah and me would never happen, he's just as my brother as he is yours besides I don't see a love for me happening again if it's not with Kol. Even if I could I wouldn't allow it" she laid her head on me "Vampirism makes it hard to love humans, the secrets, the aging, the constant want to kill them" I nodded watching her face as she stared off into space "Who did you try to love" she shook her head "Someone I shouldn't have" she said looking down at her fingers playing with her nails. 

"No matter don't give up on my brother, he's still crazy about you" I smiled and nodded spending the rest of the day just talking to her. Rebekah was by all means becoming my favorite sibling, I love Care but sometimes we just have a hard time clicking and seeing each other the way I do with Elena. Sitting here now with Rebekah it was easy to laugh and joke and just be me. Like with Elena. We talked so long we fell asleep laying on each other and I woke up to her laying in my lap peacefully. I wondered why she was so cold in our time, and I marveled again at how just having us here changed so much about them. I gently moved her to the side and went downstairs to see the maids already starting on breakfast. I looked over at one who was slitting her wrist and letting the blood drop into a cup.

Someone's hungry for something different I suppose "Thank you darling" I heard from behind me as Kol brushed past and grabbed the cup from the girl taking a small sip from the glass "Good morning" he said curtly before walking out "Kol" I called out turning to see if he would talk to me but no. He'd left and I was beginning to feel like just trying to talk to him wasn't going to work. My thoughts were cut off by Klaus who walked in and grabbing some of the freshly cut slices of watermelon "Good morning Bonnie" he said before looking back to the servants and gesturing for a plate "Morning" I said picking at the plate they sat in front of me "So I take it my brother still alludes you" I looked over at him and he shook his head "According to your best friend Mikealson men are proud and stubborn don't take it to heart" I laughed imagining Elena telling him that, the smile that played on his lips I knew he was more than happy to be back on good terms with her.

Watching them fear crept in the back of my mind, if we ever did find the Willow would they even let us leave? I sighed and finished my breakfast before walking out to see more of the layout of this home. Most of the time that I've been here I only spent it in the room Elijah gave me, being outside was too much for my new senses to take. I took a deep breath as I looked around the gardens, it was clear this belonged to someone important before Elijah undoubtedly took over. I smiled at the people working and walked by bending in front of bushel of flowers it looked like one of the buds hadn't bloomed and I put my hands around it praying for the familiar connection to flow from the plant to me but it never happened. My hands fell and I sighed deeply wiping the small tear that fell off my cheeks, my moment was ruined by the sound of one of the workers had cut themselves.

I looked over at them tilting my head a bit to see if they were ok, it was a pretty deep cut on the palm of his hand. I looked away ignoring the urge to lick his hand, my despair overtaking my desire to eat, this was never the life I wanted. I wouldn't let the urges that I saw destroy Stefan and Damon and my mom do the same to me. I looked back at the flower and stood up walking away from it "For a new vampire that was impressive" I turned to see Kol standing up against the wall "You could've tore his throat out" I shook my head "I'm too upset to eat" I said my eyes flickering back at the flowers "The connection. It is gone isn't it" I nodded and he nodded in return rubbing his neck "I'm sorry about that darling. I know one of your favorite things about being out in gardens like these was being connected to them" I smiled half-heartedly at his attempt at comforting me. It made me happy to know that he was even willing to try, it shows that the whole mad at me thing was just an act.

"I meant what I said, for a new vampire your restraint is impressive" I looked back over in the direction of the worker who was if he knew what was good for him long gone by now "Thank you, I watched you for a long time I have a good example to follow" I said smiling at him earning a small one in return "You know that the things I said before weren't me, I was upset, in the moment I was just dealing with the fact that I may have lost everything. My best friend, my magic, everything. It doesn't excuse it but I hope it helps you understand it" he nodded "I understand I have always understood what was going on with you. I just thought you would've understood by now that what I was upset about wasn't what you said, it's the fact that you say you almost lost everything but you still had me" he said shaking his head and walking away from leaving me speechless. He was right, I did still have him but that didn't change how devastating almost losing Elena and completely losing my powers was.

He had a point to be upset though, but it just brought me back to what I knew would be a problem for us. They want us to forget the life we left behind and focus solely on the one we're building here. And they'll never, despite what they say they do, they'll never understand why we have to go home. Or why we still want to. No matter what that will always be our issue, and as much as I would love to fix what me and Kol have I don't know how I can as long as that remains our issue.