~Wren~

I found out about Astra's latest episode the next morning, which was also when Albus and James did. I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help feeling a little satisfaction in that. At least I wasn't the only one out of the loop on something.

"Ciara thinks it's the Imperius Curse," Astra said, shrugging. "Maybe Nico's found a way to cast it from wherever he is."

"Is that possible?" James asked.

"I mean, probably," Colette said, shrugging. "Research on the Unforgivable Curses is forbidden and illegal, and certainly wouldn't end up in the school library anyway. There aren't any historical accounts of this, though, as far as I can remember."

"But that doesn't make sense," I said, frowning. Astra gave me a weird look, and I quickly amended, "Not the spell stuff, I mean. Just that Nico and I were reporting last night. He was with me. He didn't seem like he was casting a spell."

"Maybe he made you forget it?" Colette suggested. "Ciara thinks he's good at obliviating people."

"I... I don't think he'd do that," I said, frowning. "I think I'd notice the hole in my memories, too."

Astra sighed, rolling her eyes. "Whatever, Wren. We're just trying to figure out what's going on. This is more of a lead than we've had in ages."

"I know that," I said, feeling like I needed to defend myself. Astra wasn't trying to attack me, I was sure. "I just—"

"Stop it!" Astra shook her head. "Merlin, Wren. Can you ever just not ruin something?"

I stiffened. Her words sank into my stomach like weights. I wasn't trying to ruin anything. Really... I was going to cry, or snap at her, and I knew neither of those would be helpful. I took a breath, doing my best to act unaffected.

We had grown uncomfortably quiet. Albus, Colette, and James were glancing back and forth between Astra and I, none quite sure what to do. I wasn't sure, either. I didn't want to say something and get yelled at, which seemed like the most likely scenario.

Astra was staring at the table, blinking quickly. I couldn't tell what was going through her head, whether she was getting more angry, or regretting saying that, or simply focused on something else. There was at least a dawning realization that she'd said that, it looked like. After a moment, she looked up at me. "I... Sorry, I don't—"

I shook my head quickly. "It's fine."

"No, I—"

"Astra, it's fine." My tone was more urgent than I meant it to be. I blinked, and looked down quickly. I didn't need to start crying. I'd pushed her to that, hadn't I? No need to make her feel bad.

There were a few more seconds of uncomfortable silence, then Albus chuckled nervously. "Uh, well, what's the news looking like today, Colette?"

Colette took a second to answer. "Oh, um, not much. I guess the Prophet found out Faith Lindsey's writing for the Quibbler. They're completely slamming her today."

"Oh, that's rough," James said. "What're they saying?"

"I think—"

Astra stood up abruptly, and we all glanced at her. Her cheeks flushed a little. "I... uh... I need some air." She turned and hurried off.

We watched her until she was out of earshot, then Colette turned back around to frown at me. "Don't be so dismissive next time, Wren. Do you know how rough the past few days have been for her?"

I wasn't sure I did know; there was more than what she'd told me, it seemed like, and no one else had bothered. "I'm sorry," I said, my voice smaller than I would've liked.

"You should be," Colette said, rolling her eyes. "I told you you were annoying her."

James put his arm around me. "This is a little uncalled for, don't you think?"

"I'm not wrong!"

"So?" James scoffed. "I could tell you you're a prat who doesn't have any tact, and I wouldn't be wrong, but I don't go around saying things like that because I'm not horrible."

"Oh, yeah, sure you aren't." Colette rolled her eyes. "I'm just trying to keep this from happening again, okay? Wren keeps doing things like this."

"I'm not meaning to!"

"And yet it's still happening." Colette closed her eyes, rubbing her temples with her fingers. When she opened her eyes again, she seemed less annoyed. "Listen, I'm sorry. I know you're trying. But I think maybe you should try something else..."

James shook his head. "She trying her best, Colette."

"Maybe that's not what Astra needs right now."

"Maybe you don't know what Astra needs right now!"

"It's obviously not that!" Colette gestured to me.

"Shut up!"

"James, stop." I pulled back to turn and look at him. "Is she wrong? I mean, what am I doing right?"

He opened his mouth, then hesitated for a moment. That gave it away. "You're trying Wren. We all know you are."

"Trying isn't good enough," I snapped. "I keep trying, and just end up ruining things."

James raised an eyebrow, suddenly even more serious. "Okay, no, that's not right. You know she didn't mean that."

"Why else would she have said it?"

"Wren, it's just been a long couple of days for her."

"Does that mean we shouldn't believe what she's saying? Astra's not going crazy, James. She means what she says, and you know what? It's true. I'm ruining things. And I don't really know how to stop, or what to do about it, but clearly I'm doing something wrong." James opened his mouth, and I shook my head, cutting him off before he could argue. "Am I not? Am I not doing something wrong? What exactly am I doing right, James?"

"Well, right now you're just being ridiculous," he said, narrowing his eyes.

I was about to make him mad. But if I gave in and agreed, it would just make Colette more upset with me, and in the end she was right. James was just just trying to defend me, I knew, but right then I didn't need to be defended.

"No, I'm not being ridiculous," I said, frowning. "Stop dismissing what I'm saying."

"Would you rather I sit here and just go along with a bunch of bullshit, Wren?"

"If I'm saying it, yes!" I shook my head. That wasn't the point. "This isn't... It's not that. Colette's right, and arguing with her isn't going help anything."

"What do you think you should be doing better then, huh?"

"I don't know!" I frowned. "I... I just try to be there for her, like you guys do..."

"Exactly!" James held out his arms exaggeratedly. "You're doing everything we are, everything you can. This isn't your fault."

I blinked at him, then glanced at Colette and Albus. Colette looked frustrated, Albus simply concerned. It felt like something has just shifted, though. "If I'm doing everything you are, and it's making things worse..." I glanced back at James. He had an eyebrow raised warningly, daring me to go on. I dared. "The problem is me."

James rolled his eyes. "That's bloody ridiculous."

"Is it?" I snapped. "Is it really? Because last I checked, when Albus asks Astra if she's all right, it's no big deal, but as soon as I do, she's moody and frustrated and Wren just ruined everything. I'm the problem."

"No, you're not!"

"Then what is?"

"I don't know!"

I shook my head. "James, you're being ridiculous."

James glared at me, then turned to Colette. "This is your fault." He made an obscene gesture at her, then got up and stormed off.

Colette rolled her eyes. "Real mature, James," she called. He made the gesture again over his shoulder.

Why did I do that? What was wrong with me? I was frustrated and confused and all my thoughts were racing through my head too fast for me to even think them properly. For a moment, I just stared at my half-eaten food. I wasn't hungry anymore.

"Are you all right?" Albus asked.

He was frowning at me. Colette even looked a little concerned, actually. I glanced back and forth between them. "No." I stood up and walked away.

Albus caught up to me in the hall. When I didn't stop walking, he fell into step next to me. He steered us towards a window seat on a third floor landing that no one ever walked by, which was fine; I hadn't had any particular destination in mind. I leaned against the window pane and looked out. The Forbidden Forest stretched on for miles. Even though most of the trees had lost their leaves long ago, it still looked dark and menacing.

For a moment, Albus gazed out the window, as well. Then, he glanced at me. "I really don't think she meant it when she said you were ruining everything, Wren. Did you see her face afterwards?"

I nodded. There was a small chip in the glass. I wondered what had caused it.

"She's just really overwhelmed. But she cares a lot about your friendship. Really."

I shrugged. "You don't need to try to make me feel better, Al. I think I can handle the truth."

"I'm not just trying to make you feel better." Albus shrugged. "I think she's just spent so long feeling like she needs to take care of you, that she doesn't know how to shut up and let you take care of her."

"She doesn't want that."

He shrugged. "I mean, yeah, sometimes you're a little intense. But no more than she's been with you before."

"That was different."

"Maybe. But maybe the only difference is that Astra's not used to people taking care of her at all. She's always taken care of herself, and now that she can't, she doesn't know how to operate."

That made a little sense, but I shook my head. "If that were all, she'd be pushing all of us away, wouldn't she?"

"I don't know. James and Colette and I aren't really helping her, I don't think. You're the only one really trying to take care of her, because the rest of us don't know what to do."

"Clearly I don't, either," I said, frowning.

"I think you do." Albus shrugged. "I think Astra just doesn't know how to let people help her. I mean, there was that time second year she spent a month in the library trying to find any information about her mum, and she hardly ate or slept or anything and we had to stage a whole intervention and get kidnapped by your parents to get her to snap out of it entirely."

My mouth dropped open. "That's how that ended?"

Albus nodded, frowning. "I think James and I might have given up a little, then. Colette was probably sometime fourth year. We don't know how to help her."

I wanted to shrink in on myself. They didn't know how to help her? They didn't think they were helping her? They needed me to? That was impossible. She couldn't even spend five minutes with me these days. "I'm just making things worse. She doesn't want my help."

"Maybe not. She will." Albus shrugged. "She'll hit rock bottom eventually, I think. I mean, I hope not, but at this rate, it can't be too far off. The point where her choice is to go mad or accept help. And I think she'll want that from you. James is good for fighting, and action, and Colette's good for research, and I'm good for... I don't know, supporting all her choices blindly?"

I chuckled in spite of myself. "You're good for more than that, Al."

He smiled and shrugged. "I guess. My point is, none of us have ever had to deal with something even close to this. You have. What helped you out will help her, too."

I looked down. "What am I supposed to do in the meantime, then?"

"Don't give up. Be there for her, as close as she'll let you. She wants you here, really. If she didn't, she'd have done something about it by now."

Those words echoed in my head for the rest of the morning. I hadn't thought about that before, but it was true. Astra had no problem shutting people off completely. She'd iced Lacy and Iris out fourth year, when they hadn't forgiven me right away. She'd stopped speaking to James many times, though rarely for long. There was the time fourth year she hadn't acknowledged Albus for almost two months because he'd insulted her boyfriend. And last spring she and Albus had both refused to speak to Colette because they thought she was a spy. She hadn't done any of that that with me, at least not yet. Maybe she just didn't have an excuse, but something told me if she really wanted an excuse, she'd be able to find one.

I went looking for James before lunch. Surprisingly, I found him at the Quidditch pitch, sitting in the stands and staring into the distance. He didn't seem bothered by the wind, or the cold. I shivered a little as I sat down next to him, and he put his arm around me without seeming to think about it. For a moment, I leaned against him, not sure if I wanted to break the silence or not.

"James, I'm really sorry, about early. I shouldn't have pushed you like that."

He shrugged halfheartedly. "It's okay. I would've gotten angry no matter how you said that to me."

I blinked. "Oh."

"No, no." He straightened, turning to me and putting his hand on my shoulder. "Not at you. I'm not angry at you. It's just... You're not the problem."

I sighed. "James, I don't want to do this again..."

"No, no, hear me out." James held his other hand up. "You're not the problem. It's your bloody uncle. This is exactly what he and Nico want, isn't it? They want us all to fight, so Astra will feel even more isolated. They want her to push us all away. This isn't your fault at all."

That seemed like a weak excuse, but James seemed like he needed a weak excuse. The truth was, he was kind of right, but... I should have known better than to let this happen. Because I knew better than anyone what Stillens and Nico wanted, so I should've been more on guard against it. Now, it seemed too late to fix everything. But I smiled, because James needed me to. "Okay. Yeah. That makes sense."

James smiled as well. "I'm proud of you, you know."

"You are?" I raised an eyebrow. "For what?"

"Everything. You're kind of incredible, you know? You're a prefect and making near perfect grades and helping take down your uncle and somehow also still being a functional human being. I can hardly handle passing my classes, it feels like. I don't know how you do it."

"Lots of help from a supportive boyfriend," I said, moving closer to him.

"Right, right, of course." He chuckled.

I leaned my head against his shoulder. "You're pretty cool too, I suppose."

"Oh, you suppose, hmm?"

"I love you."

He squeezed my shoulder. I felt his head leaning against the top of mine. "I love you, too. So much."

The sky was still gray and depressing. The wind was still blowing straight through my coat, and I was still shivering. But right then, I could've stayed there forever.

~~~~

The next few days were kind of strange. The Prophet was dragging Faith Lindsey through the mud, so the Quibbler retaliated by pointing out that maybe Faith Lindsey did suck completely, but at least she had her facts right.

The Prophet had also been tipped off by an anonymous Hogwarts student that Astra was suffering from "bouts of insanity." She'd tried to kill her cousin, and had almost assaulted a teacher and attacked another student. The articles were calling for Russey to step in personally and deal with this "threat to the safety of the children." It got bad enough that Mr. Potter actually made a public statement saying that Astra was absolutely fine and stable. Things quieted down after that.

Astra took a full week to let me know about her father and Haverna's parents. She casually mentioned it at dinner one evening, and seemed to get annoyed when I was shocked. I couldn't tell if she'd meant to say it in front of me or not. Either way, it was out, and I had to act like that wasn't something completely insane and soul-shattering and oh my gosh how on earth must she have been feeling this whole week? I was sure I'd made everything so much worse. There wasn't anything I could really do about it, though. She seemed to want to move on.

Apparition lessons had started. I was not going to voluntarily splinch myself, of course, but I had to at least try to look like I'd never apparated before. Honestly, tougher than it sounds. Albus was not getting the hang of it, at least, and insisted I stand next to him and Poppy during lessons so he could be a distraction every time he splinched an eyebrow or something.

Life was falling into a rhythm of being uncomfortable. More than normal, that is. I can't say I had ever been super comfortable at all since first year. But now the normal was Astra only having surface-level conversations with me. The normal was her and Ciara spending hours in the Room of Requirement every night trying to resist the Imerpius Curse. The normal was Ciara and I getting along better than I was with Astra. The normal was Colette and James constantly fighting, Albus retreating from all of us to stay out of it, and me somehow always making everything awkward no matter what I said or did.

As much as I wanted to believe Albus, as much as I wanted to be there for Astra, she was making it really hard. And I know that sounds horrible. I know it wasn't about me, and if I acted like it was I was being selfish. But it was hard to get brushed aside every day, all day. It was hard to act like it didn't bother me. It was hard to try so hard to be a good friend and have it all seem to make things worse. But Albus said Astra needed me, that at some point she'd have no choice but to let me help her (that was such a comforting way to put it, too). And I needed to be around when that happened. So as much as I wanted to just fade away, go hang out with Poppy and Arthur, and leave Astra alone, I didn't.

It was exhausting, honestly. By the time two weeks had passed and I had to patrol with Ciara again, I was glad for the excuse to leave. I'd been able to find excuses before to go study with Poppy, but this one didn't make me feel guilty, because I really couldn't help it.

When Ciara walked up, I smiled at her, and she smiled back. Wild how things could change so quickly. Everything was changing. Astra, Ciara... Albus was spending more time with Poppy than with us, Colette was spending more time with Haverna than with us. The only person who hadn't changed lately was James.

"How's Astra doing?" I asked as we started up the stairs.

Ciara gave me a weird look. "What do you mean?"

I meant in general, but I guess Astra wasn't elaborating on how annoying I was. I didn't really want to explain it all, since it was all a little ridiculous. "With resisting the Imperius Curse. How do you guys practice that?"

"Well..." Ciara shrugged. "We're just working on channeling will power. Merlin knows she's got enough of it. I... I'm not so sure how to test it, unfortunately. I'm not about to use an unforgivable curse on my cousin. I never really tested myself, but Astra's not as confident that she can resist it."

"Oh. Are there other spells?"

"Probably. Colette said she'd look into it." Ciara rolled her eyes. "Honestly, I think she'd cast it on Astra herself if I let her."

"You're not wrong," I said, shrugging. I hadn't known Colette was helping them, or that Ciara and Colette could get along long enough to get anything done.

"By the way..." Ciara glanced at me. "I mean, this is kind of dumb. But... you never told Astra what happened that night last term. When I just started acting mad?"

I remembered that. Nico had been out after curfew, and Ciara had apparently gone insane for about a minute. I shrugged. "Of course I didn't. You asked me not to tell anyone. Why would I have?"

"Oh, I don't know..." Ciara shrugged, looking away. "I didn't really expect much from you."

I frowned. "Oh." Well, that made sense. I didn't expect much from her, either.

Before I could think of anything else to say, there was a thud that sounded like it came from one of the adjacent classrooms.

Ciara stopped and sighed. "I swear, if people would just be quiet when they're snogging, they wouldn't get caught..."

Catching students in the middle of intense make out sessions had probably always been my least favorite part of patrolling. Grudgingly, I walked towards the classroom door the sound had come from. "Please put your clothes on if they're not on already," I called, pausing outside the door. We'd found out a long time ago that it was good to give a warning.

There was no sound of scuffling around, oddly. Ciara frowned, then moved past me to open the door. It swung open to reveal an empty room. It wasn't a classroom, but an unused professor's suite, it seemed like. Ciara rolled her eyes. "If there's a couple shagging in the next room, I'm going to actually kill them both," she whispered.

"I'll help." I raised my lit wand and scanned the room quickly. No one was under the table, and the cabinets weren't large enough to hide a student. Ciara had already moved on to the next room, so I followed her. She was looking under the bed, so I moved to the wardrobe. "Maybe they think if they hide, we'll give up and move on?"

"Wish we could," Ciara said, rolling her eyes and brushing a cobweb off herself as she stood up.

I pulled open the wardrobe door, then froze. Instead of two horny students, Stillens stepped out.

I could breathe. I couldn't think. I blinked, swallowing hard, then backed up until I hit the bed. Why was he here? Had he found out? Was he angry? He looked angry. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

Suddenly, Ciara had shoved me out of the way and stepped in front of me. Suddenly, Stillens was swirling away, and it was Scorpius. He dropped to the floor, choking, and Ciara pointed her wand at him. "Riddikulus." Her voice shook a little. As Scorpius's body started spinning, Ciara shoved the mass back into the wardrobe and slammed the doors.

She turned to me. "Are you okay?"

I blinked at the doors. "It was a boggart."

"Of course it was." She smiled uncertainly. "We'll let Kimmel know tomorrow."

"Right..." I slowly sat down on the bed. Breathe in, breathe out. Everything was fine.

Ciara hesitated, then sat down next to me. "Are you okay?"

"I..." No. But I didn't know why. I'd seen bogarts before. "Yeah. I think."

"Right." She glanced at the wardrobe. "Was... Was that Caymus Stillens?"

I nodded. Everything was fine. The fidelius charm was keeping me safe. Stillens had no idea, and never would. Everything was fine.

"Oh. I'm sorry."

A few seconds passed, then I felt her hand on my shoulder. And suddenly I was crying, and I didn't know why, and before I knew it she'd hugged me and I was sobbing into her shoulder.

It was several minutes before I could it up and wipe at the tears on my face and try to breathe again. "I... I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay." Ciara gave me a small smile.

"I really don't know why I'm crying."

"It's fine," she said, patting my shoulder. "Sometimes you just need to cry. I get it."

I wiped at my eyes with my sleeve. "Thanks."

"Of course." Ciara tilted her head. She seemed like she was considering something, but I didn't know what it was. She didn't elaborate, either, just shrugged after a moment and smiled. "You can take a minute, if you want."

"I think I'm good," I said, taking a deep breath. I felt a little better, honestly. Nothing had changed, of course but some small part of the storm building up in my head had dissipated. Waking up tomorrow didn't seem like it would be such a chore.

~~~~

Question of the Day: For all my followers who celebrate Christmas, when is the appropriate time to start celebrating Christmas?

Answer: Literally there is never an inappropriate time to start celebrating Christmas. Personally, I say November 1st is a pretty good starting point, but honestly whenever it first gets cold, Christmas starts. 

Vote and comment and validate me 

~Elli