~Wren~

By the next morning, I was a little upset at myself for breaking down so completely. But maybe it was all right. For one thing, a weight I hadn't even realized was there had lifted off my chest. I didn't know what it was. Certainly not guilt, because I still being plagued by that. But maybe anxiety, or shame. At least the fear was gone. Everything was out in the open, and nothing had changed.

Albus and Colette reacted exactly the same way James and Astra had. Of course I had to tell them, not only because James heavily implied that it was a good idea, but also because they were some of my best friends, too. They deserved to know.

I was less worried about talking to them, anyway. What was really weighing on my mind was the idea of admitting all of this to Mr. Potter and Professor Haverna.

Why them? I couldn't exactly explain it. Mr. Potter was obvious, as was eventually talking to Mrs. Potter and Lily. They were the closest things I had to a caring family. But Professor Haverna?

My friends hadn't made a big deal out of it, though I could tell they wanted to. I didn't know how to defend that decision, anyway. It just felt right. Professor Haverna was invested in my wellbeing, and was an authority figure, and... I don't know. I suppose when your parents are as crappy as mine have been, you latch on to any adult who actually cares a little.

Talking to them was terrifying, though. My head told me, logically, how I knew they would respond. Maybe I wouldn't completely agree with them about everything, but they would tell me it wasn't my fault, I'd been a child, they forgave me. That's how it would go, the only mess happening if I started to cry telling it. But fear kept creeping in and saying that they'd be crushed, they'd turn me in, they'd never forgive me.

These thoughts waged war in my head as I stood in front of Mr. Potter's office door, hand poised to knock. I'd hesitated. But I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and knocked.

"Come in." He sounded busy. Maybe I should come back later. I shook my head quickly, reaching for the door handle. If I didn't do this now, there was a good chance I never would.

"Oh, Wren, hello." Mr. Potter smiled warmly at me and motioned to a seat. I found it was taking everything in me to stay, and not turn around and run out the door. I slowly sat down and watched as Mr. Potter's smile faded, replaced by a look of concern. "Is everything all right?"

I shook my head. "I... I need to tell you something."

Now there was a much deeper concern. "Okay." He nodded slowly. I could tell he was making an effort to stay relatively relaxed. He wasn't doing very well. "What is it?"

"Can you get Professor Haverna, too?" My voice was getting quieter. It matched the urge I was feeling to simply curl up and hide rather than say any of what I was about to say.

"Of course." Mr. Potter stood up, then hesitated. "Would you like to wait here? Will you be okay?" I nodded quickly, and he hurried off.

While he was gone, I tried to think of what I was going to say. Get some semblance of a plan. At least know where to start. But I couldn't. The only thing that kept running through my mind was I'm sorry.

The door opened again way too soon. I resisted the urge to stiffen, instead letting out a slow breath. I didn't look up until they'd both sat down.

"What's wrong?" Mr. Potter rested his elbows on his desk and leaned forward.

"Um..." I swallowed, pushing down the urge to lie and save face. "I... It's something that happened a few years ago. Several things. That I did."

I paused for a moment. Professor Haverna shot a very quick glance at Mr. Potter, but otherwise they both still seemed supportive. That was good. I took a deep breath, then very quickly launched into the story I'd told James and Astra the night before. I'd had a choice, and I'd chosen wrong. I'd hurt people, badly hurt them. I couldn't make it right, either, because most of them were probably dead by now.

"Please don't tell me it's not my fault," I said, after everything. "It doesn't help. I don't want to hear that."

"All right, then," Mr. Potter said, nodding slowly. "I won't say that. But I want you to remember that you weren't given a fair choice. So maybe you do feel like you chose wrong, but just remember that sometimes there isn't a right choice. This is a war. It was one then, before anyone else had recognized it. And we all have to do things we regret in a war."

"And whatever you feel responsible for, no one else will hold that over your head," Professor Haverna added. "You've shown that you're willing to make up for any wrong choices you've made."

I felt like I was going to cry, again, and swallowed again. "I... I'm sorry. For it all. And for not telling anyone. And..." My voice wavered, and I closed my mouth.

Mr. Potter nodded. "We know. We know you are. And we absolutely forgive you, all right?" He glanced at Professor Haverna, who nodded and gave me a somber smile. "I'm glad you told us, because I can't imagine how much that's been weighing on you, but you can let it go now, all right?"

"I..." I shook my head. "I can't."

"Why not?" Professor Haverna asked.

"I just..." I shook my head. I didn't know why. A lot of things. "I don't know. I don't know how."

Mr. Potter smiled. "Yeah. That's hard. I'm afraid there's not an easy fix, either. It's not something you can just decide to do, to forgive yourself or move on or let go, then never worry about it again. You have to keep doing it, over and over and over."

I blinked. "Oh. That's not very hopeful."

"Actually, that's very hopeful." Mr. Potter smiled. "Because every day, you get the chance to decide to do forgive yourself, whether you had the strength to the day before or not. And it gets a lot easier with practice."

I looked down. "I don't think I can do that."

"Start right now." I glanced up at Professor Haverna to see her smiling encouragingly at me. "Decide that right now, just this instant, you can forgive yourself, and you don't have to hold on. Just for now."

I took a deep breath, then closed my eyes. Maybe I could do that. Just for now. I mean, they could forgive me. And they knew much more about war and difficult choices than I did. So maybe I could, too.

I forgive you, I whispered to myself in my mind. I'm going to let go.

I imagined just a little light breaking through that ominous darkness.

When I opened my eyes again, they were both smiling at me. "Now you can just do that every time you feel tempted to be held down by it all," Professor Haverna said. "That wasn't too hard, was it?" I shook my head.

"It will be, sometimes," Mr. Potter said seriously. "But you're strong enough to hold on to what you know. That's what this is, Wren. You're just reminding yourself of the truth, when your emotions are trying to make you doubt it."

Hold onto the truth. Hold onto the truth. As I walked back to the common room later, those words played over and over in my head. Hold on to the truth. Of what I knew people thought about me. Of how bad my options really had been. Of who I was now, and how that was a different person than a few years ago.

Maybe I could do this.

James was with his friends in the middle of the common room when I walked in, but came over to see how I was doing when he noticed me. "Good talk?"

"I think so, yeah."

"That's good." James glanced back toward the middle of the room; Colin was waving him back to the group huddled around what looked like a wizard's chess set. "Listen, I'll be back in a few minutes, but I've got to go finish this game, all right?"

"Of course." I smiled as he hurried back over. Normally, I would've joined them and watched, but I didn't feel up to it then.

Astra sat down next to me a few minutes after James left. "So? How're you feeling?"

I shrugged. "Fine."

"Just fine?" Astra tilted her head. "How did talking to Mr. Potter and Haverna go? Did it help?"

Yes. No. There weren't any straight answers. I shrugged. I didn't want to weigh her down with everything. "I don't know. It's not that big a deal."

"Oh, please. Stop it."

"What?"

I glanced at her to see her frowning back at me. "Stop closing up."

"I... I'm not." That was a lie, and not a very convincing one, either.

"Are you trying not to be a burden? Stop it." Astra raised an eyebrow. "You know how annoyed you get when I close up, right? Take that and multiply it by about a million, and you'll get how I feel, because you do this all the time."

I smiled slightly. "I'm sorry."

"I know." Astra rolled her eyes, chuckling. "It's okay. Just use your head a little, okay? It's like you think we don't care about you or something. It's a little insulting. You know I've fought people to defend you, right? I don't know what more you want."

My smile grew. "You're a great friend. I know that. I appreciate it, really."

"Then let me be your friend." She put her arm around my shoulders. "I want you to be a burden, okay? God knows how many times you've helped me. Let me return the favor."

As many times as I'd been told that, somehow it sunk in a little more then.

~~~~

A couple mornings later, an owl flew into the Great Hall carrying a howler. Conversations died as it slowly circled. It was if everyone was collectively going through all the things they might have done recently to prompt a howler. I mean, I wasn't, but I glanced around and saw, Astra, James, and Albus all looking mildly concerned as the owl looped over the Gryffindor table.

It didn't stay near our table, though. In fact, it flew to the Ravenclaw table, and now everyone who wasn't in Ravenclaw was watching with a sense of relief as it flew on, down the table, and finally landed directly in front of Eris Prince.

Someone whistled. Another person snickered, but quickly got shushed by everyone around them. The whole hall leaned in, sick anticipation gleaming in their eyes.

Eris was staring at the red envelope. Or maybe past it; it was too far away to see. She seemed unusually still. I did that, I realized. Got unusually still. Most of the time it was when I knew someone was about to scream at me, and I didn't want to cry. Was Eris trying not to cry?

The letter was steaming, and someone shouted at her to just open it. The girl next to her reached to do it, but Eris shook her head, then quickly ripped the letter open herself.

HOW COULD YOU?

The shriek filled the entire hall. A man's voice; her father, I assumed. Eris winced as it continued.

YOU'VE DISGRACED OUR ENTIRE FAMILY, said a woman's voice. Her mom, maybe. YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

AND TO NOT EVEN TELL US, the man said. DID WE RAISE YOU TO ACT LIKE COMMON RABBLE? TO HIDE THINGS FROM US? ADDING LIES TO EVERYTHING ELSE WAS NOT WISE.

YOU'VE DRAGGED OUR FAMILY NAME THROUGH THE MUD, ASSOCIATED US WITH FILTH! the woman said. ONLY AN UNGRATEFUL CHILD WOULD TREAT US THE WAY YOU DO. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO RESPECT THAT, YOU'LL BE CUT OFF.

I groaned and buried my head in my arms on the table, ignoring Albus trying to shush me. This was about the Snape rumor, I was sure. Ciara and I were going to get her kicked out of her house. We hadn't meant for this to happen.

IF YOU WANT TO ASSOCIATE WITH FILTH, THAT IS YOUR CHOICE. BUT YOU WILL NOT BE ASSOCIATING THIS FAMILY WITH IT, AS WELL. THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING.

The howler tore itself up, leaving a completely silent Great Hall in its wake. I lifted my head slightly to see Eris staring at the pile of paper scraps on her plate, her hand clenched in a fist and eyes blinking quickly.

It seemed like an eternity of quiet, though it was probably only a few seconds, when a Ravenclaw seventh year stood up and loudly announced, "Well, I think this is proof that Snape's awfulness is genetic, and Prince here got a heaping dose of it."

That was the cue for everyone to erupt into laughter and jeers. Even my friends were laughing, and Astra said something about Eris's parents sounding almost as nasty as she was. I wasn't really listening. I was watching Eris stand up without acknowledging anyone, then quickly turn and walk out, head held high.

I winced as the door slammed closed, then glanced at the Slytherin table. We'd messed up. Badly. We needed to fix this.

Ciara was already staring at me. She nodded towards the door. "I'll be right back," I said softly, then stood up and hurried out.

"She deserves this," Ciara said as soon as we were out in the entrance hall. She turned to face me, a pained expression on her face. "She definitely does. Right?"

I pursed my lips. She was trying to convince herself of that, I could tell. "I... I don't know."

Ciara's shoulders slumped. "I didn't know her parents would be that upset."

"Me neither." I sighed. "What can we do?"

"I don't know..." Ciara groaned. "I mean, I wanted to take away her credibility, make her a laughingstock for a while, but I didn't want everyone bullying her for the rest of the year... I definitely didn't want her parents to disown her or anything."

"Yeah." I closed my eyes, really not wanting to say what I knew I needed to say. "I... I think we should apologize."

Ciara's eyes grew wide. "Are you mad? We're the last people she wants to see."

"I don't want to, Ciara. But it's the right thing to do."

Ciara let out a huff. "I know. Doesn't make me want to actually do it any more, though."

We set off wandering the halls, trying to think of somewhere a distraught Eris would be likely to hide. One of the unused classrooms, probably, on a floor that people didn't frequent often. We slowly walked up and down the halls, peeking into rooms and listening for muffled crying, or whatever she was doing. It was nearly half an hour before we found her.

Eris was perched on a desk pushed up beneath a window in a classroom on the third floor. At the sound of the door creaking open, she glanced at us, then sighed as we approached. "What? You got what you wanted, didn't you?" Her voice sounded dull, much different than the cutting anger I'd been expecting. I glanced at Ciara.

"This isn't what we wanted," Ciara said softly. She swallowed. "Um... We came to apologize, actually. This all got really out of hand. I'm sorry."

"We didn't mean to hurt you. Not this much," I agreed. "I'm sorry, Eris."

Eris was looking out the window again, a dull, solemn air about her. She didn't seem inclined to reply, so Ciara took a step forward. "Listen, if there's anything we can do to help make it better..."

"I don't know what you think you can do," Eris said calmly, not looking at us. "Not like it matters anymore." Her voice wavered a bit, then she blinked and glanced at us again. "Go. Please."

I nodded. "Sorry, again," I said as I turned to go.

Ciara made to follow, then stopped. "Listen, if your parents actually kick you out—"

"I don't want your bloody charity, Malfoy," Eris snapped. I glanced back to see her struggling against tears now. She shook her head. "Go away."

We hurried out, then hurried down the hall, down a whole flight of stairs before we stopped. "Well, now I feel awful," Ciara admitted.

"Me too."

"We can't fix this."

"No," I agreed. "I don't think we can."

Ciara let out a hollow laugh. "Well, if she wasn't going to hate us forever, she will now."

"I wouldn't blame her, really. I didn't know her parents were insane."

"Right?" Ciara shook her head. "I mean, my parents have been mad at me before, but they'd never threaten to disown me."

"And they were acting like it was all her fault that everyone knows they're related to Severus Snape... Which, I mean, we were trying to get revenge, I suppose. But it sounded like... I don't know, like the subtlety was lost on them."

"Exactly." Ciara shook her head. "Think they've always been like that? Maybe Prince just thinks that's how normal humans interact? It'd explain a lot."

I shrugged. "Maybe. That'd be horrible, if so."

She murmured agreement. I couldn't think of anything more to say. Standing around and dissecting Eris's home life wouldn't accomplish anything, except maybe cause more trouble if she managed to hear about it. I shifted awkwardly, twisting the sleeve of my sweater. Our entire current relationship was built on a shared hatred of Eris Prince; outside of that, I didn't know what else to talk about.

"Um... Well, I think I have some studying to do," Ciara said. She gave me a tight-lipped smile. "Guess I'll see you Thursday."

"Yeah, see you then," I said. She started off toward the stairs, and I turned back to take the long way to the Great Hall, just to avoid the awkwardness of walking off in the same direction after we'd just said goodbye.

I didn't hate her anymore. That was probably impossible, after plotting and executing a revenge scheme, then having it blow up and go way too far. It's hard to mess up that badly with someone and have to swallow your pride and apologize together and still hate them. It seemed like Ciara felt that way, too.

The problem was, I didn't know where that left us. Because we definitely weren't friends. I didn't particularly like her, really. That was probably mutual. It seemed like everyone in my life was at one extreme or another. They either loved me (or at least loved the person they thought I was), or they hated me to the point of wanting me dead or in Azkaban. There wasn't room for any in between. How had Ciara gotten there? I didn't know how to deal with it.

I wouldn't give Astra the satisfaction of letting her know I might not hate Ciara anymore, so I talked it over with Albus. He told me to simply act normal. Just get through patrolling, even if it was awkward, and don't try and fix it. We didn't know if Ciara had enough goodwill to understand my intentions if I made it worse.

~~~~

"Do you think Magnus Caldwell is a bad person?"

Nico gave me a weird look. I would've given myself a weird look, honestly. I didn't know why I'd said that. Was that suspicious? Should I not have? Was that stupid?

"I mean, obviously," Nico said. He put his hands in his pockets and glanced down the dark street we were passing. It was almost midnight on a Saturday night, so there were still many drunk people stumbling around, but no one paid us any attention. "Why?"

Yes, Wren, why? I bit my lip. "I... I don't know. It's just weird. We're on the same side as him."

"Everything's more complicated than that, darling," Nico said nonchalantly. "Everyone's got that one thing they want. They just align themselves with whoever can best get it for them."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I guess."

"I mean, that's why you're here, right? You want something." He frowned at me. "I still haven't figured out what it is, but you do."

I shrugged noncommittally. "All right, then; what do you want?"

"Power." He thought for a moment, then added, "No one's going to take advantage of me anymore."

"But people like Magnus Caldwell still exist," I said slowly.

"Bad people will always exist. You just need to be more powerful than they are."

We were getting close to Zaria's apartment, but I didn't really want to stop talking. I'd been hoping for a chance to try to subtly turn Nico in the right direction, or at least get him thinking about the places where what he said he believed didn't line up with what my uncle was doing. I didn't want him getting sucked into this life.

"What makes someone a bad person?" I asked, making an effort to keep my voice light and casual.

"I don't know." He shrugged. "I mean, as long as people can do what they like, I think everything's good. As long as people have some kind of choice, you know."

"How much choice is that?" Now I was just genuinely curious.

"What do you mean?"

"Well... Is torturing people for information all right?"

"They still choose to give it up, don't they?" Nico shrugged. "I guess just give people their options plainly. Tricking people into doing something they wouldn't choose, or forcing people to do things against their will... I don't know, Wren. Everything's complicated, like I said."

I nodded slowly, trying to process that. As long as people had a choice, the world was right. "How does you using the Imperius Curse on people fit in?"

Nico shrugged, his expression growing hard. "Guess I'm not a good person."

"Oh."

"Shove off," he said, though I hadn't been planning on saying anything else. We were at Zaria's apartment, anyway.

She was nowhere to be seen, which was just as well. Nico took the opportunity to poke around her fridge, but it was full of what looked like potions ingredients. "Probably has another one hiding somewhere," Nico commented, shrugging. As I didn't think that was necessarily directed at me, I didn't respond.

I had a lot to focus on, anyway. I'd sent a message about where the Quibbler was a few days ago. Not where it actually was, of course. We'd decided to say it was being published from the Scamanders' home. I guess Mrs. Scamander's father was the one who had founded it. Anyway, it worked out because the Scamanders (except Luna, who was in my class at Hogwarts) had been in the main part of Europe for a few weeks now, gathering support against my uncle among people there, so they were safe from harm.

A few members of the DA had spent some time making their home look like it had been evacuated quickly, with an entire fake printing set up. I would look I'd been right, but it would seem like the DA had been tipped off. A possible side effect would be Stillens being distracted by a possible mole among his agents, which would be good.

Mr. Potter and I had talked over the idea of calling Russey first. I didn't know if it was a good idea to make him think I was his ally, or if it would be better to seem incredibly loyal to my family. There was always the chance he was just another person trying to prove I wasn't loyal. We'd finally decided against it, at least this time, since this was something my uncle had specifically asked me to do. I didn't want to complicate any of my relationships there more than I had to.

One more thing I had to think about: Mr. Potter had asked me to see what I could find out about the woman in parliament who had been murdered, Patagonia Monez. Only if I could bring it up naturally, of course, to one of my parents or someone who wasn't my uncle. The man who had been framed, Anthony Goldstein, was scheduled to be executed within the next few days, and Mr. Potter wanted to know what had actually happened, to see if he could prove it, and also what their agenda behind executing Anthony Goldstein was.

With all that to focus on, I was a little annoyed to step out of the fireplace and see my mother waiting for me. I forced a smile, though, because she looked very happy. "Dear, I'm so proud of you!" She stepped forward and pulled me into a hug. "You're doing great things."

"Oh, thanks," I said, blinking. "Um, what, exactly, did I do?"

"The Quibbler, of course. I just wanted you to know that we're proud of you, even if Stillens is frustrated."

"Frustrated?" Nico tumbled through the fireplace just then, so I stepped aside so he wouldn't crash into me.

"Well, the DA got tipped off. They'd evacuated by the time we got there. But you were right! And we think they've left a trail." We started walking towards my uncle's study.

"Oh. That's really unfortunate." I frowned. "It might be harder for me to find out anything, now, if they got tipped off."

"Well, of course, we understand that." My mom patted my arm. "Don't worry, dear. You're doing great."

I glanced over my shoulder in time to catch Nico rolling his eyes.

Russey was there with my uncle, to tell me the same thing my mom had. The DA had been tipped off, they'd fled. He asked if I knew who the main publisher was, but unfortunately I didn't. I could try to find out, of course, but it might be difficult. Of course, of course, but it would be really nice if I could. Stillens didn't say anything to that, but he did raise an eyebrow at Russey, which I took to mean he really didn't care who was doing it, as long as he could shut it down. I got the feeling he was just humoring him. I wondered if Russey picked up on that.

My mom was still in the hall when I came out. I walked over to her, for lack of anything better to do. I had to wait for Nico. Maybe now would be a good time to ask about the Monez murder?

I didn't even have to find a way to bring it up. Russey had joined us, and my mom smiled sweetly and said, "You're getting little sloppy, Pollux."

"If you mean that Monez business," Russey rolled his eyes. "I couldn't have her snooping around."

"There are more subtle ways to dispose of someone."

"If it works, it works." Russey shook his head. "Anyway, if I can get away with executing this Goldstein guy, it could open up a lot of options for us."

"It could also put a lot of people on alert who wouldn't be."

"I wouldn't expect you to have problems with being overt, Katreena. This is a new side to you."

"I'm supposed to be overt. You aren't." My mom put her hand on my shoulder and started to steer me away. "Be wise, Russey. My uncle hasn't put this much work into this for it to be ruined by your ideas."

We walked down the hall, and I heard Russey start in the opposite direction. I glanced back, but my mother's squeezed my shoulder tightly. "Don't pay attention to him, Wren. He thinks he's much more important than he is."

"He is the prime minister," I said, frowning.

A laugh. "He's a puppet, at best. And if he keeps murdering his political opponents, he'll get himself replaced."

My eyes widened, but I got a grip on myself quickly. "Russey actually killed that woman? Himself?"

My mom rolled her eyes, finally stopping at the bottom of the staircase. "He claims it was a calculated move, but I think she figured out the truth. That's what that bitch did in America, after all. Instead of taking care of it reasonably and locking her up, though, he just killed her."

"Oh." I blinked. "So why'd he trying to execute someone for it? That's going to turn heads."

"I don't know, dear. He's an idiot." She raised an eyebrow at me. "Remember that. He's incredibly stupid. Stay away from him."

I nodded, trying my best to look serious. "I will."

"That's my good girl." My mom smiled at me, and for a moment something warmed inside of my chest. This was good. She was happy with me.

I shoved it away. Wrong, no, I didn't want that. She was a psychopath, a murderer, a horrible person. A supporter of even more horrible people. I didn't want her pride, or affection, or anything else. Because if I wanted that, there was something wrong, right? So I didn't care if my parents were happy with me or not. I didn't.

But the warmth wouldn't go away.

~~~~

Since I won't be updating on September 1st, and didn't want to wait to update since I did promise to update this week, let me just acknowledge that my babies start third year in two days (and fourth; I see you, James), and that's kind of insane.

Also, let me acknowledge that I updated on time! Yay!

Anyway, I made an announcement on my channel a few days ago that I think was very important and everyone needs to see. And since I don't make announcements often, you know it's urgent. Anyway, I think everyone needs to hear about this amazing story. It's an incredible, groundbreaking work that I truly believe has changed the course of literature forever.

I'm talking about a fanfic called Ratalouis by @ratatouille123 that I think everyone and their mom needs to read. It's only like four paragraphs long but I promise you the best four paragraphs you've ever read in your life. Star of Gryffindor who?? I only speak to intellectuals who have read Ratalouis. 

Question of the Day: What are your thoughts on Ratalouis?

Answer: Like I said, an incredible, mindful, complex, intriguing work full of depth and hidden meaning. Why did it die so young? #justiceforratalouis

All right, enough of that. Vote and comment!

~Elli