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Chapter 28 - Fidelius

~Wren~

Christmas Day was as interesting as always. Lily knocked over the Christmas tree trying to demonstrate a dance River had taught her. Roxanne kept stealing people's sweaters until she was waddling around with five on, struggling with a sixth. Dom and James got into an argument about who was taller. It was clearly James, but Dom kept shrugging and saying that wasn't her truth, and James was getting very angry. Albus finally had to cut in and say that Dom's truth had always been a little crazy, and everyone knew it, so he didn't see why James cared.

Fred made the whole day, though, talking nonstop about his amazing girlfriend. Who was she? He couldn't say, but she was at Hogwarts, and played on her House's Quidditch team. Apparently, she was phenomenal.

"As if," Roxanne said, rolling her eyes. "He's been going on about this mystery girl for weeks now," she explained to those of us sitting around the fireplace, which was James, Albus, Rose, and me.

"Because she's incredible!" Fred said.

"Yeah, it's crazy how great figments of your imagination can be, isn't it?" Roxanne asked. She stood up. "I've heard this enough. You guys can try to talk him out of it, if you'd like, but I'm done." She walked off towards the older girls.

Fred turned to frown at us. "She exists."

"Who is she, then?" Albus asked. "We won't tell Roxanne."

Fred frowned. "I can't say."

"Why not?" Rose asked.

"She... She doesn't want people to know," he explained.

"Why?" I asked. I tried to think who was on the house teams. It wasn't any of the Gryffindors, but the only other ones I knew were Lily, Poppy, and Ciara, none of whom seemed likely.

"Is it Clarissa Rogers?" Albus asked after a moment.

"No, it's Ciara Malfoy," James said, crossing his arms. "I've been right this whole time."

Fred made a face. "Ciara? No!" He paused, as if trying to put his disgust into words. "Ew," was all he could come up with.

Albus rolled his eyes. "James, not this again..."

"You think I'd go out with Ciara Malfoy?" Fred demanded, glaring at James now. "What kind of idiot are you?"

"I'm not an idiot!" James exclaimed, glaring back.

Rose sighed. "Let's not argue. It's Christmas. If Fred wants to have an imaginary girlfriend, let him." She stood up, and Albus did, too. "Just talk about something else."

As they walked away, Fred mumbled, "She's not imaginary."

"Then who is she?" James asked.

"It's not Ciara Malfoy," he said.

I pursed my lips. "Fred, does she really play for her House team? I feel like all the girls who do are either way too young for you... or... I don't know, just not the type of girl you'd go out with."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Fred demanded.

I cringed. "I... I don't know."

"She's saying they're out of your league," James stated matter-of-factly. "Clarissa, for example? Way out of your league."

Fred frowned. "Excuse me? I could... I could get with Clarissa if I wanted to! I just don't want to. If anything, she's out of my league."

"Higher, you mean?" James said, rolling his eyes. "You know Clarissa's too good for you. Just admit it's Ciara Malfoy and let us go back to our regularly scheduled family drama."

"It's not Ciara Malfoy!" Fred said hotly, standing up. "You think I'd go out with... with Death Eater scum like that?"

I blinked as Fred stomped away. That was a little harsh. I didn't like Ciara very much, to be sure, but I'd never call her that, not least because Astra was as closely related to Death Eaters as Ciara was, so clearly that meant exactly nothing. James shook his head. "That was uncalled for."

I sighed. "Just drop it, James. Fred doesn't like it, and if Ciara here's about it, I wouldn't put it past her to try to duel you. Are you just trying to annoy them both?"

James shook his head, completely serious. "I think they're actually together. At the very least, they've snogged."

"Do you have any proof of that?" I asked tiredly. Fred and Ciara seemed like the least likely pair to make out just for the sake of it.

"I..." James shook his head. "Trust me. You should see the tension when they're together."

"Tension because they hate each other," I pointed out.

"No! Sexual tension!"

"Jamie!" I gasped and hit his arm. "Inappropriate!"

"You can't deny it!" he exclaimed, laughing as he dodged me.

I chuckled, then sighed and rolled my eyes. "You sound ridiculous. I hope you know that."

James hesitated, as if he were going to press the point further, then seemed to decide against it. He grinned. "I try my best. What's going to be more ridiculous is Mum after I kiss you in a moment."

My eyes widened. "She's going to be angry." I smiled, though. I wasn't sure how much I cared.

"With me, not you..."

He reached up to push a strand of hair out of my eyes, and his hand lingered, cupping my face. I felt myself blushing. Somehow, it was in a good way. I gave him a small smile.

"Mum!! James is touching Wren's face!"

James and I jumped back from each other like we'd been burned as Lily ran up to us. "He was! I promise!"

Mrs. Potter was walking towards us now, with a look on her face I can only describe as "done," and James pursed his lips as he stood up. He offered me his hand, but one look at Mrs. Potter's expression made me ignore it and stand up on my own.

"We didn't do anything," James said sullenly as she marched up.

"That's not true!" Lily exclaimed.

Mrs. Potter waved her off, then frowned at us, eyebrow raised. "Nothing? Really?" She glanced at me, and I looked down. Somehow, feeling like she was disappointed in me hurt more than I cared to admit. "Nothing at all?"

"I brushed some hair out of her face," James conceded. "That's it."

Mrs. Potter pursed her lips and glanced back and forth between us. "Hallway, please."

We maneuvered out of the crowded living room, then through the crowded hall to the stairs. Mrs. Potter led us up to what must have been Fred's room, the first place with no one there, and closed the door.

James and I glanced at each other. This was going to be a bad lecture, for sure. I couldn't imagine what she would've done if we'd kissed. I felt myself cowering under her gaze. I wanted to slip my hand into James's, but felt like that might not be the best idea.

I'd never seen Mrs. Potter angry, not really, but she seemed angry now. Though I knew she was kind, and reasonable, and a good person, I couldn't help being scared. What was she going to do? The list of punishments I could imagine was too great to run through my head in a few seconds, but somehow seemed to, anyway. I felt like I was about to cry.

"Do you know why I enforce these rules?" Mrs. Potter asked finally.

"Because you're uptight," James muttered.

"No," she said icily, giving James a stare cold enough to freeze Hell. "I enforce this because you're both young, and I don't want either of you to do something you might regret." She raised an eyebrow at us, and I couldn't help feeling awful, even though we hadn't really done anything. "And trust me, I know what teenagers are like. I was one, and I did things I regret. You don't have as much self-control at your age."

"Yes, we do," James argued.

"No, you don't."

"Wren does! And I have more than you think, Mum, really."

"That's not enough!" Mrs. Potter closed her eyes. "James, I'm trying to protect you both. I know you'd never mean to do anything, but sometimes teenage boys just push a little far."

"What's that supposed to mean?" James asked, though I had a feeling we both knew. In light of recent events, Mrs. Potter was essentially worried about me getting taken advantage of, even though James would never do that. He was the boy who asked if he could kiss me every time, made a point to make sure I was comfortable, and that was before he knew about Magnus.

"I think you know what that means," Mrs. Potter said. She pursed her lips, and I felt like she knew she was going a bit too far, but wouldn't give up now. I could see James in her more clearly than ever.

"I would never do that," James said, his voice low and serious. He sounded sure, but shot me a quick glance anyway. "I... Wren, right?"

"You say that," Mrs. Potter said before I could answer. "Most boys do. I should know."

"I'm not the boys you and your friends dated in school, Mum!"

"You spend a lot of time acting like them!"

The shouting was too much; it was reminding me of my parents, of Stillens, of nights spent being screamed at. I really just wanted to sink down and cover my ears and pretend nothing was happening. Instead, I did something stupid. I slipped my hand into James's. "Mrs. Potter, James has never made me feel uncomfortable. Not the way you mean, at least."

They both blinked at me, and I took that as a cue to go on. "I understand what you're trying to do, and I appreciate it, really. But... I think outlawing any sort of physical contact might be a bit extreme."

Mrs. Potter raised an eyebrow. "Do you?"

I nodded, glancing at James. "I'm not helpless. If he ever tries anything, I can hex him into next week." He raised an eyebrow playfully at me, and I couldn't help smiling. "We would never do anything you wouldn't approve of, Mrs. Potter. I promise. But making us act like we have the plague isn't going to protect us."

James nodded. "Honestly, it kind of just makes me want to kiss her more."

Mrs. Potter pursed her lips. "Excuse me?"

James's face turned red. "I... What? Didn't say anything."

I smiled a bit. "I feel safe when I'm with James. I can't say that about a lot of people. If you're trying to protect me, James is the last person you need to worry about. I promise."

Mrs. Potter tilted her head thoughtfully. I tried not to cringe, tried not to expect the worst. She wouldn't scream at me, surely. She wouldn't somehow twist my words against me. I squeezed James's hand a little tighter, and he squeezed back.

She slowly nodded. "That's fair," she said. "There do need to be rules, though. I don't care how self-controlled you two think you are; everyone needs boundaries." She smiled. "No inappropriate touching, how about that?"

I glanced at James. He pretended to think about it for a moment, then shrugged, playing at being resigned. "I suppose so."

"You can save that for your spouse," Mrs. Potter said, winking. "Now, please don't do anything that makes Lily come screaming for me again, please. I'm going to need another firewhiskey at this rate." With that, she turned and left.

James glanced at me. "I consider this a victory."

"You're welcome," I said, smiling.

"'You're welcome'? What do you mean?" James asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh right, because you were doing so well in that conversation," I said sarcastically.

James rolled his eyes. "I was doing bloody amazing, if you ask me. Doesn't matter; Mum lifted the ban, so everything's good." He lifted his hand, still entwined with mine. "This is allowed. We can do whatever we want, bar 'inappropriate touching.' That's pretty vague, too. I mean, is this inappropriate?"

He suddenly pulled me close, so that we were pressed against each other, and draped his free arm across my lower back. My breath caught, either in surprise or something else, I wasn't sure. I stood there, tense and fluttery all of a sudden. My breath was too shallow. A flash, a bad feeling. I blinked, then pushed away, wrapping my arms around myself.

James blinked at me. "Oh, hey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean—"

I shook my head. "I'm sorry, I just..." I closed my eyes. "I don't know. That was weird."

"Don't be sorry," James said softly. "Don't be sorry when I make you uncomfortable, okay? I'm sorry. That was my fault."

It wasn't, though, I didn't think. I didn't know what was wrong, just a vague sense that something was off, a vague memory of bad things that I somehow associated with whatever had just happened. Of being forced to do things I didn't want to do, feel things I didn't want to feel. Magnus. I pursed my lips. Even when I was completely out of his reach, he was still controlling me.

I opened my eyes, taking a deep breath. "I don't... I don't think you're the problem."

He frowned. "What?"

"I don't know." I didn't know how to explain it. The feeling, the discomfort, everything was already slipping away. I shook my head. "Sorry. It's okay." I forced a smile. "Just give me a head's up next time?"

"Yeah, of course," he said.

He was frowning concernedly at me. I slowly reached out and took his hand. "I'll be okay."

Not totally true, but I wanted it to be, and sometimes that's close enough.

~~~~

The rest of Christmas break was fairly uneventful. Mr. Potter was teaching me a few new defensive spells. At one point, he pulled me into his office to ask if I'd heard rumors about a spy in the DA. When I told him I hadn't, he shrugged and assured me it was nothing to worry about, just a mission that went a little wrong. This was the third time a mission had gone a little wrong, though. I told him I'd try to learn something, and he shrugged again and said it wasn't a big deal, in the most unconvincing manner possible.

Poppy came over for New Year's. There was not going to be a party, after the attack that had happened last year at the Potters' New Year's Party. That meant Mrs. Potter was free to give Albus and Poppy the same lecture she'd given James and I a year ago about PDA, with no audience. It was much more fun to watch it than to receive it, I had to admit. James said he thought his mom enjoyed embarrassing all of us, and I thought I agreed.

I was ready for school by the time we boarded the Hogwarts express. All signs pointed to this being a better term than the last. I wouldn't be paired with Ciara for patrolling, of course. Nico and I seemed to have reached some level of understanding that might make having to work together a little more bearable. And James and I were not fighting, nor was I hiding anything from him. Of course, there were still countless things I did not ever want to share with anyone, but James was the first for anything I did want to talk about. He was a better listener than I'd given him credit for, honestly.

I should have known nothing would remain as perfect as it seemed.

In the grand scheme of things, prefect duties were not the biggest contender for making my life suck. Really, Ciara Malfoy had been the least of my worries last term. Now, however, as Albus and I stood in front of the bulletin board where Eris had just tacked up the new prefect patrolling schedules, I realized that it hadn't been quite as bad because I'd known it wouldn't last.

Indeed, everyone who had had a bad pairing last term had been switched, because all partners had been switched. Albus had been paired with Cedric Rogers, Poppy with Lillie Collins, Scorpius with Emanuel Beck. One pair hadn't been changed, though: Ciara and me.

"Eris, what's this?" Albus demanded as she walked away.

"What?" she asked innocently, turning back.

Albus pointed at the place on the list where my name was. "Why didn't you switch them?"

Eris shrugged. "I don't know. They're a good team, I suppose." She smiled at me, sickly sweet, then waved. "I have to get to class now, but if you have a problem, you can take it up with the headmistress." Before either of us could argue, she was gone.

Albus and I stepped aside so we weren't blocking the board. I was glad Astra wasn't here; Albus was mad, and I was pretty annoyed myself, and I worried this would only spark the same argument we'd had last term. She and Colette had already gone into the Great Hall.

"This is so stupid," Albus said, shaking his head. "I say we go talk to Kimmel. Surely if you point out you were paired last term, she'll let you off."

"I'm not sure. Kimmel knew we were paired last term. If she thought it was a problem, she would have told Eris before she approved the list."

"But... She's not that unreasonable, is she?"

I shrugged. "I don't have a very high opinion of how reasonable she is, to be honest."

"That's fair..." Albus shook his head. "This is ridiculous. Surely there's something we can do."

"Make yourself such a nuisance that Eris pairs you with Ciara next term?" I suggested with a smile.

Albus made a face. "I'd rather get hit by a train."

Other people were discussing their pairings by now. Poor Anna Longbottom had been paired with Eris, and was practically in tears. We tried to comfort her, but she ended up running off with her friends towards the bathroom, so I don't think we were very successful.

By then, Ciara had appeared. I really wanted to make a dash for the Great Hall, but didn't have time before she saw our names.

"What the hell?" Ciara demanded.

She turned to me, and I instinctively put my hands up. "I don't like it either, Ciara."

"You better not." Ciara moved over to where Albus and I were standing, then glared at Albus. "Go away, Potter." He raised his eyebrows, but took a few steps back. I watched her uncertainly as she glanced around, then said softly, "We've got to find a way to get her back."

"Get her back? We can't do that."

"What, too scared?" Ciara rolled her eyes. "Not only are you a prat, but you're a coward, as well?"

"No," I said, annoyed at the fact that I was even letting her aggravate me at all. "We could get in trouble, is all, and I'd really prefer not to get written up."

Ciara took a deep breath. "I'm not stupid, Predatel. I'm not saying we go act like Astra and punch her in the face. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one."

I blinked, not sure to take that as a compliment. "What exactly are you suggesting, then?"

"I'm not sure yet," she admitted. "Something good. We're not going to stand for this." She hesitated, then shrugged. "No offense, but I was really looking forward to the prospect of never patrolling with you again."

"The feeling's mutual," I said, making an effort not to roll my eyes.

Ciara glanced around again, then met my eyes. "If I think of something to get back at her, will you help?"

On the one hand, Ciara was not someone I particularly liked, or even trusted. Sure, she wasn't that awful in comparison to other people in my life, but that didn't mean she wasn't unkind and unfair, and that didn't mean I expected her to do anything other than turn on me in an instant as soon as it was convenient. However, I could sense that we had a sort of common enemy here. Eris was trying punish both of us for... I don't know, challenging her authority? Being people she simply didn't like? Ciara and I were kind of in the same boat, at the moment, and as much as I didn't like the thought of taking revenge on someone who really wasn't that bad, I really wanted to.

"Sure, Malfoy," I said, shrugging. "As long as we won't get written up, I'll help."

For perhaps the first time ever, Ciara Malfoy smiled at me.

~~~~

The rest of the day clearly couldn't top that victory. I didn't expect it to dip so low to avoid topping it, of course, but when the nearly-forgotten coin in my pocket began to heat up, there was no doubt that Ciara Malfoy would be the highlight of my day.

I held up better than I'd expected to. I didn't cry, or have a panic attack. Honestly, most of the day I felt a little numb. Astra tried to convince me to skip class so she could cheer me up, but I said no. James was on edge the entire evening, as much as he tried to be strong for my sake.

I couldn't avoid the fact that I had to go report that night, that I would probably see Magnus that night. It was with resigned determination that I set off that evening, not sure exactly what the night would hold, or if I'd be able to hold up to it.

Nico and I walked to Hogsmeade in silence. He glanced at me a few times, but didn't say anything. It struck me that I hadn't thanked him. I didn't know if he'd appreciate me saying it now.

As we walked into the village, Nico finally said, "So, um, how are you doing?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Not too bad, all things considered."

"Haven't had to go back before tonight, have you?" he asked. His tone was casual, and he was glancing around the street like he didn't care too much about my answer, but I could sense the edge of tenseness under his words.

"No," I said. "I suppose they decided it was a bit too risky to sneak out of the Potters."

"Oh. That's good, I suppose."

"Yeah." I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. "Um, I wanted to thank you. For... Everything."

Nico shook his head. "Not a big deal."

"No, really—"

"Not a big deal," he said again, finally glancing at me. "Don't make it one, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay. Sorry..."

He shook his head. "I swear. Not everything is that personal, Predatel. Don't apologize for everything. It's annoying."

I almost apologized, but caught myself. Nico raised an eyebrow at me; apparently, the "sorry" had flashed across my face. I smiled a little. "Point taken."

We turned the corner onto Zaria's street. I felt my heart start beating faster; what if Magnus was there? What if something happened? I forced myself to take a few deep breaths to calm down.

"I think I'm going to hex Hempsey," Nico said, casually twirling his wand around.

I shot a quick glance at him. "Why?"

"She knew." Nico shrugged. "I think she should learn a lesson."

I shook my head. "That's really not a good idea."

"Would you rather do it?"

"No!" I stared at him. "Are you insane? She'd kill me."

Nico frowned at me. "You know, they only have as much power over you as you let them have. If you let them know you're scared, they'll take advantage of that."

I glanced down. "It's too late to pretend I'm not."

"Is it?"

His face was inscrutable and he didn't elaborate, so I was left to ponder what he might have meant as we mounted the stairs to Zaria's door. He was right, in a way; Zaria and Magnus both knew I was terrified of them, and neither had any problem taking advantage of that. They wouldn't be able to hurt me so much if I wasn't frightened of them. I'd be able to stand up for myself. But I was frightened of them. So much so that I couldn't override it. Or was I just telling myself that?

Nico opened the door and walked in without knocking. I followed, praying he wouldn't hex her.

"Oh, you came back," Zaria said, rolling her eyes when she saw me. "I'd hoped you'd been scared off."

"Don't be a bitch," Nico snapped. "That's cruel."

Zaria laughed. It seemed a little hollow. "One to talk. You couldn't tell what was cruel if it was written out and taped to your hand. Aren't you the brat that almost killed the Lestrange girl a few years ago, without any prompting?"

Nico smirked. "Yeah. I'd do it again, too." He tossed his wand from one hand to the other. "I could try the spell I used on you, if you want to see it."

Zaria narrowed her eyes, then turned back to me. "Do you think you've learned your lesson, Wren?" she asked sweetly. "Don't cross me? Or do I need to teach you myself?" She stood up. I couldn't keep myself from cowering behind Nico. He pursed his lips at me, as if he was disappointed. Zaria, on the other hand, was smiling, a cruel light dancing in her eyes. "What, are you afraid?" She walked up to me, mock pity in her eyes. "I can give you something to be afraid of."

She reached out to pet my arm, and I'd suddenly had enough. I didn't want to put up with her, with this. I pulled away from her, pulling out my wand. "Stay away from me!"

She raised an eyebrow, and for a moment there was tense silence. I wasn't sure that I could actually cast a spell, but she wasn't sure that I couldn't, it seemed like. I couldn't stop my arm from shaking, but I kept my wand trained on her.

She eyed me for another moment, then burst out laughing. "This is cute!" she exclaimed. "Are you going to try to hex me? How adorable!"

I blinked, and glanced uncertainly at Nico. He also seemed confused. I wasn't kidding. Zaria seemed to know that, though. In fact, it seemed like the very fact that I was completely serious was the thing that was so funny to her. Somehow, that made me angry. She didn't take me seriously.

Well, we'd see about that.

"Stupefy!"

She blocked, but when the light of my spell vanished, her expression had changed to one of shock. "Did you just—"

I shot another spell, this one nonverbal. Then another, and another. Mr. Potter had been working with me the entire break to learn how to cast nonverbally. Zaria blocked again, and took a few steps back. She was glaring now. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Stay away from me!" I repeated. "You're sick, and vile, and I want nothing to do with you."

"I am not!" Zaria exclaimed.

"You knew!" I shouted. She tensed up. "You knew," I said again, lowering my voice, "and you didn't do anything. Maybe it was even your idea?"

"Shut up," Zaria growled.

I didn't want to shut up. "You're just as bad as Magnus Caldwell. I hope you know that."

She glared at me. "Shut up!"

"You shut up!" I shot one more spell at her, then turned and stepped into the fireplace.

I didn't wait for Nico. I was too angry and riled up, and I needed to calm down and not talk to him. Unfortunately, I heard him tumble through the fireplace a few seconds after me and hurry to catch up. "That was pretty impressive, I have to admit," he said, laughing. "What spells were you using?"

"It doesn't matter," I said. I closed my eyes, trying to think, to breathe, to clear out all of this excess emotion. I needed to be calm.

Nico shrugged. "I was hoping you'd go for the Cruciatus Curse, but I suppose stupefy is satisfying, as well. Rotten luck that she blocked it."

"I don't use unforgivable curses," I snapped.

Nico blinked at me. "What do you mean, you don't use unforgivable curses?"

"I..." I blinked, too. Why did I say that? "I mean, those are only for special occasions. Or when I'm told too. It takes away the meaning if you use the, all the time, don't you think?"

"That's fair," Nico said, nodding. "Would've been cool to see, at any rate. Maybe I'll use imperio on the way back through and make her do something ridiculous?"

"She'd throw you off really quickly," I said, frowning at him. "She's too stubborn for that."

Someone stepped out in front of us, and I froze. "Besides," Magnus said, glaring at us, "if you did, you'd have to answer to me."

"Is that supposed to be a threat?" Nico asked, drawing his wand immediately.

Magnus raised an eyebrow at him. "Yes. What else would it be?"

"I don't know, a laughable attempt at humor?" Nico glared at him. "We all know we can easily take you in a duel."

Theoretically, he was right. But I was frozen in place, suddenly about to cry. Magnus chuckled. "Predatel doesn't seem too happy about that idea, does she?" He sneered at me. "Scared?"

My voice wasn't working. I shook my head, aware that I had never been more unconvincing of anything in my life.

Nico took a step forward and put his arm out, keeping me behind him. "Caldwell, back off."

Magnus glared at him. "Why? I have some unfinished business, if you don't mind getting out of my way."

"Back off," Nico repeated, pointing his wand threateningly towards him. "I'm not afraid to hurt you."

For a moment, they scowled at each other. It seemed like forever. No one moved, simply stood tensely where they were. Finally, after a full minute, Magnus broke. He turned to glare at me. "I'm going to punish you, Predatel. Just you wait. And it's going to be so much worse than anything before." With that, he turned and strode off.

As soon as he was out of sight, I dropped to my knees. I was nearly crying, and not thinking straight. The adrenaline of fear had worn off, leaving me shaky and vulnerable. Nico stooped down next to me and offered me his hand. "Hey, you're fine, Wren. He's not going to hurt you, okay?"

I took a deep breath. I needed to calm down. I couldn't see Stillens like this. Everything was bouncing around in my head, and I needed it to be orderly. Right now. Another deep breath. "I can't do this."

"Sure you can," Nico said. He helped me up, keeping his hand on my arm to keep me steady. "There's no way Caldwell would actually try anything against both of us at the same time."

That hadn't been what I meant, but I was grateful he'd jumped to that conclusion. "I... I know..."

"But it's harder to believe in the moment, I know," Nico said dismissively. "It can only get better from here, right?" I nodded slowly, and he pursed his lips. "Do you need a minute?"

I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I do."

He went first, to give me a minute to collect my thoughts. I sat on the bench across from Stillens office, my head in my hands, trying to shuffle my thoughts back into place. This was not okay. This couldn't happen. I could hardly do occlumency in this state, especially with so much I needed to hide. Astra's weird dreams, the DA suspecting they might have a spy, not to mention the fact that I was lying about my loyalties.

Breathe. In and out. In and out. It was going to be okay. I wasn't shaking anymore. Had I been shaking from anger at Zaria or fear of Magnus? I didn't know. It didn't matter. Neither of them mattered. Nothing mattered except pushing everything behind the curtain of occlumency.

Nico came out too quickly. I stood up, finally feeling numb. That was better. Not ideal, but better. I slowly walked up to my uncle's door, took a deep breath, then stepped inside.

"Ah, Wren," Stillens said, nodding at me. "Have a seat."

I did. Feel nothing, think nothing.

"Anything of significance happen over the holidays?" Stillens asked.

I frowned. "Not really. Um... Harry Potter seems a little worried about there being a spy in the DA."

"He doesn't suspect you?"

I shook my head. "But... is there one? Other than me? I'm not really in the DA."

Stillens waved his hand. "That is irrelevant."

"I just want to be able to steer Astra Lestrange and James Potter in the wrong direction," I explained. Lied. Was there a difference? "They're concerned."

"Let them be," Stillens said dismissively. "The only thing you need to be focusing on with Lestrange is isolating her. Jasper tells me his mission is going well. Keep it that way."

"That's a bit hard when I don't know what he's doing," I said carefully, glancing down.

"Look at me when I'm speaking to you," Stillens said, an edge to his voice.

I quickly looked up. "I'm sorry."

"It is not important that you know what Jasper is doing," Stillens said, ignoring me. "If it becomes necessary, he will let you know. Until then, do as you're told."

"Yes, sir," I said softly.

"If you can, find out exactly what Potter thinks he knows about a spy in the DA," Stillens said. "That would be useful information."

"Yes, sir," I repeated.

Stillens stared at me, just long enough to be unnerving. I forced myself not to break eye contact. "Is there anything else you have to say?" he finally asked. I shook my head, so he waved his hand. "You're dismissed, then."

I almost collapsed the moment I'd closed his door. Nico stared at me from the bench across the hallway, eyebrow raised, as I steadied myself on the wall. "Are you all right?"

I nodded. "Let's just go. I'd like to go to sleep."

As we walked down the hallway, I pretended not to notice Nico casually twirling his wand in his hand, or his eyes darting down every hallway and into every doorway. I knew what he was looking for. There was no sign of Caldwell, though. We reached the sitting room with no problem, and both flooed to Zaria's kitchen.

She was at the kitchen table again, but in a much different state. There was now an empty bottle of firewhiskey in front of her, and another half-empty one in her hand. Nico raised an eyebrow when he saw it. "Trying to give yourself alcohol poisoning? Personally, think that's a great life choice for you, Hempsey."

"Shut up," she said, shaking her fist at him. The action sloshed firewhiskey in our direction, and I stepped back. "You don't know what you're talking about," she said with effort, her words slurring.

"Did you drink a bottle and a half of firewhiskey in half an hour?" Nico asked, snickering. "That's pretty desperate, I'd say."

"Get out of my house!" she yelled, throwing her half-empty bottle in our direction. It missed, shattering against the wall and splashing both of us with alcohol, but I took that as my cue to leave. After a few more snickers and quips, Nico followed.

"Now I'll have to explain why my clothes smell like firewhiskey," I said, sighing.

"Ditch the clothes, then you don't have to explain anything."

I glared at him. "Shut up."

"Fine, sorry. Bad taste. Seriously, just use magic."

"I don't know a spell for this."

Nico rolled his eyes, then grabbed my shoulder and turned me towards him. I tensed up; this was too close. His hand was still on my shoulder as he ran his wand over my clothes. I could feel them drying. After a moment, he raised an eyebrow at me. "Better?"

"Thanks," I said stiffly, pulling away from him.

I hugged myself as we started walking again, and Nico dried his own clothes. "Really useful spell right here when you can't wash your clothes," he said. I nodded. "Works better than those stupid muggles your uncle has around."

"They're under the imperius curse, not stupid," I said automatically. "I bet you'd be just as out of it as the no-majs are if you were under the imperius curse for eight months."

"No one would be able to keep me under that long," Nico said confidently. "I know that spell better than any wizard alive."

I raised an eyebrow. "How do you know that?"

"Trust me. I've discovered things about it you wouldn't believe."

I frowned, but he didn't elaborate. As much as I wanted to ask, I felt like it might not be the best idea. I'd acted weird a few too many times, and though Nico didn't seem to think anything of it now, I didn't want to push too far. Instead, we walked the rest of the way back to the castle in silence.

Mr. Potter glanced up as I slipped through his office door. "Well," he said, blinking at me. "That was a lot."

I pursed my lips as I sank into a chair. "I'm sorry."

"No, don't be. You didn't do anything wrong," he assured. "At least, nothing drastic. Antagonizing Zaria Hempsey might not be the best idea..."

"I'm sorry. I got angry..."

He pursed his lips. "That doesn't seem like you."

Did it not? I frowned. I didn't know what seemed like me and what didn't. It had been so long since my life hadn't been ruled by fear. I'd been a child last time I hadn't been afraid to be who I was. Had that child had a quick temper? No, but I seemed to remember it being terrible when I did get angry. Was I still like that? Years of practicing restraint, of forcing myself not to feel, not to react, had they changed that? Or just suppressed it? If they had, did id that mean I wasn't the same person anymore?

"I'm sorry," I said again. "It won't happen again."

Mr. Potter considered that for a moment. "If it does, that might be okay." He gave me a small smile. "You're not being yourself when you do this, Wren. You're acting, playing a character. The person you become when you go report is very similar to you, but she's not the same. And if you think getting angry and fighting back fits that person, then do it. Be reasonable, but do it."

I felt like very little of what I did was acting. Lying to Stillens, of course, that was. But so many conversations I had with Nico, emotions I felt with my parents, with my uncle, with Zaria and Magnus. Those things were all too real. Too close to home. I was still me, even when I was feeling the wrong things and saying the wrong things and doing the wrong things. Did that make me a bad person?

"Anyway, about your actual meeting with Stillens," Mr. Potter continued. "I suppose it's good he knows I suspect there's a spy in the DA. It might make whoever it is lie low for a while."

"You don't have any idea who it is?" I asked.

"I have a few people in mind," he said.

"I could try to—"

"No, Wren," Mr. Potter shook his head. "If Stillens doesn't want you to know, and you've already brought it to his attention, sneaking around behind his back will only make him suspicious."

My shoulders drooped. "Are you sure?"

"When I know more, I'll let you know," Mr. Potter promised. "Until then, it's not worth putting yourself in a situation that could get you caught. All right?"

I sighed, but nodded. Mr. Potter gave me half a smile. "Hey, now might not be a good time, anyway. Were you struggling with occlumency after you ran into Magnus?"

I nodded again. "It was really hard to get under control."

"Adding something else to hide might not be the best thing right now." Mr. Potter he frowned thoughtfully at his desk. I could tell he was going to say something else, perhaps a lecture about being careful, so I didn't speak up. Didn't tell him that I might feel more stable if I felt like I was doing more. Didn't tell him I wanted to feel in control, and that was hard when I wasn't in control of anything.

"I've been thinking, lately, and tonight just confirms it. I think you'd be safer if we did a fidelius charm."

I glanced up; that wasn't what I'd expected him to say. "Would that hold up against legilimency?"

"I believe so." Mr. Potter paused, tapping his fingers on the top of the desk. "At least, provided you weren't the secret keeper."

I quickly shook my head. "I couldn't handle that, anyway."

"Yeah." He chuckled. "Of course, we can't make everything part of the secret, for practical reasons. It wouldn't negate the need for occlumency. But the fact that you're a spy is something very few people need to know. I think it's the one thing that could put your safety in jeopardy, more than anything else.."

I nodded slowly. "I would like that..."

"Who would you want your secret keeper to be?"

I had no idea. I didn't really want to put that burden on anyone. Even if I did, I knew Mr. Potter would say no to any of my friends. And he and Mrs. Potter were both too obvious.

Obvious. That was it. It needed to be the last person they'd ever suspect.

"Professor Haverna? If she didn't mind?"

Mr. Potter blinked at me. "Elaine? You want it to be Elaine Haverna?"

I slowly nodded, biting my lip. "Is she a bad choice?"

"No, she's a brilliant one," he said, his look of surprise melting into a smile. "I didn't expect you to suggest her, is all. I know none of you like her very much."

"Professor Haverna isn't so bad," I said, shrugging. "I mean... she doesn't hate me anymore." She seemed to actually care about me, as well. Maybe I just had family issues, but I found myself clinging to any adults who acted like they cared one wit about me. Mr. and Mrs. Potter were obvious, but Haverna had somehow crept into that category without my realizing, and I couldn't hate her like my friends did. I could actually trust her with this. With my life, really.

~~~~

Question of the Day: What's your least favorite cliche in Harry Potter fanfics?

Answer: Definitely when there's a triwizard tournament and the underage OC main character gets put in as a fourth champion for no reason, is hated for it by most of the school, and isn't believed when they claim they didn't put their name in.

Vote and comment and send in questions for the Q&A!

~Elli

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