Proofreader: SMV2454

"P...P'Q." Toey's faint voice sounded like a delirious murmur. He slowly stood up and walked towards Q as if he had no strength. Pan and I were left with our mouths open, standing up to follow Toey. When did Q come? It probably doesn't matter because he must have heard everything we said.

Q now didn't look like himself. His face was paler than the white milkshake spilled all over the floor. Toey wasn't any different. Q's eyes didn't reflect any of us; they were empty, with no one's image in them, not even Toey who was standing right in front of him.

"...Stop. That's enough. Don't come any closer," Q's voice trembled despite the command.

"...Phi... Phi Q, listen to Toey first... Toey..."

"I told you to stop!!!" Q shouted, stepping back from Toey's reaching hand.

I was just standing by and watching, but still felt heartbroken for the scene in front of me. Q clenched his fists tightly, his eyes red but not crying like Toey.

"Q, calm down and listen to him first." He raised his hand to stop me. Q isn't usually quick to get angry, but he can be hot-tempered.

"Why did you do this?" Q stared at Toey, who kept his head down, tears falling to the floor.

"..."

"I asked, why did you do this!!!"

"Because Toey loves P'Q!!! Did you hear that? Toey loves P'Q. Sob! Nompan loves P'Dinso. Always love." Toey sobbed. Q clenched his jaw so hard it was visible. He turned away, trying to control his emotions.

Toey's sobbing and tears left Pan and me speechless. Tears of a man are not something you often see.

The atmosphere was tense and too quiet. P'Ning was about to come in and ask what happened, but I shook my head, so she went back inside.

"Peem, I'm tired. I'm going to take a shower and go to bed."

"Uh, okay."

Q turned and walked back to the house. Toey, with tears in his eyes, wiped them with his sleeve, probably wanting to see Q clearly, even if it was just his back getting further and further away.

"Toey," I called, reaching out to gently squeeze his shoulder.

"Hia, sob! Toey is hurt." Toey turned and hugged me, his tears soaking through my t-shirt. Pan was also looking downcast, patting Toey's head to comfort him. "P'Q hates me now, doesn't he? Sob! He won't talk to me anymore. Sob"

I swallowed hard, wanting to comfort him but unable to find the words. Pan's eyes were red too, as if he was about to cry. He probably thought it was his fault. I shook my head, smiled at Pan, and gently pushed his head to stop him from overthinking. Whatever happened, happened. No one is to blame. It's better to find a way to solve the problem.
...
..
.
I asked Pan to take Toey to Chan's house because if he went home, Toey's parents would be shocked to see their son's condition. I called Matt to come and stay with him before going to check on the other person.

When I opened the door, the smell of cigarettes filled the room. Q wasn't in the room; he was leaning on the balcony railing outside, holding a cigarette. He was shirtless, just black jeans with a towel draped over his shoulder. He was staring into the darkness somewhere. I sighed and went to stand next to him.

"Are you hungry?"

"..."

"Q, hey Q."

"Huh, what did you say?" Q turned to ask me, his eyes red. I didn't know what he was thinking, and maybe he didn't know either.

"Are you okay?"

"I don't know."

"Are you mad at him?"

"..." He shook his head. At least he wasn't angry. Q rubbed his face, looking lost.

"Don't be mad at him, Q."

"..." Only silence was returned to me. Since he didn't speak, I didn't know what to say either. I just stood there quietly, keeping him company.

"Is Toey really Nompan, Peem?"

"Um"

"Heh, so my heart has been right next to me all along." Q laughed, but his voice was shaky and soft.

"..."

"You guys knew about this too, right?" Q turned to ask me.

"Yeah, we just found out. And we also know that this is between you two, but you know we're all friends, right?"

I put my arm around him. Q looked at me before hugging me. He rested his face on my shoulder. There was no sobbing, just trembling and the wetness of tears that I could feel. He was crying.

"Why did he do this? Why did he do it for me?"

"Because he loves you. Poor Nong, Q. Don't you feel sorry for him? Don't you love your Nom Pan anymore?"

"Because of love, that's why I did this. But... damn it," Q cursed loudly, pushing {add himself }away from me. He put his hands on his hips and looked up at the sky as if he wanted the tears to flow back to where they had come from. He collapsed to the floor and sat with his knees up, back against the wall like he had lost all his strength. I sat down next to him.

"Toey told us everything. Actually, we forced him to because Matt let it slip that Toey likes you. So, we pressured him to talk."

I told Q the whole story, including the notes thing that Q probably knew well, how Toey saw Q walk past the shop every day but didn't know he was the same person as 'Phi Dinso', how who Toey idolized, called him 'Phi' because he is his special person, and how Toey didn't study medicine. Q buried his face into his knees, wiping his nose with his thumb.

"But there's one thing we don't know, and Toey probably wants to know too. Why did you leave him... Q, can you tell me?" Q took a deep breath and looked up at the sky.

When we are troubled, looking up at the sky can make us feel better, but I didn't know if Q would feel better because tonight's sky wasn't beautiful at all. It looked darker and gloomier than usual. He sighed again before starting to speak to me in a nasal voice.

"I had feelings for someone I had never met..." He fell silent before continuing.

"I felt a connection. It was a feeling I had never experienced before. It started with that wooden pencil case that my grandfather made for me before he passed away."

Q's grandfather was a national artist in the visual arts. Q loved drawing because of him. He had been surrounded by art since he was a child, growing up in a family of artists. Even though his father didn't follow in his grandfather's footsteps and chose to be a businessman, he supported Q in everything.

"When the pencil case went missing, you saw me cry. It was very important to me. When P'Oh brought it back and said a boy found it, I couldn't describe how happy I was. I asked who found it and where. P'Oh said it was a high school boy who spilled his milkshake and bent down to clean it up, and that's when he saw it."

Q started to smile. When Toey told the story, he had the same smile as Q, a smile that seemed the happiest even though his eyes were blank.

"I wanted to repay him, but just saying thank you felt too little, so I drew a picture. The pencil represented me, and... the milkshake glass represented him."

I listened intently, feeling like I was seeing another side of the same story.

You know I go to P'Oh's shop because it feels like home. It was the first time my paintings were showcased without using my last name as a ticket. I used my own ability. P'O is like an older brother. Every time I finished a painting, I would stop by to chat and eat cake, just like when you came along.

But that time, something was different. P'O told me a kid left a note for me, the one who found my pencil case. Haha, he stuck it behind the painting. It was hilarious. When I read it, I knew this kid was cheeky. From that day on, I communicated with Nompan through notes.

At first, I thought it was silly for a high school kid to do something like this, but over time, I felt like it was special. It was something only the two of us shared because P'O didn't care about anything.

"Didn't you ever want to meet him?"

"Whether I met him or not, it didn't matter. My feelings were already special. No matter what he looked like, my feelings wouldn't change. Except for you guys, I never waited for anyone or got to know anyone else. Getting to know Nompan through notes was indescribable. You know, Peem, he told me everything, when his girlfriend dumped him, when his dog died, when he couldn't poop, he told me everything. Haha.

Over time , my Nompan started talking more about studies, dreams, and the future. He started to get stressed about life. All I could do was comfort him day by day. Then one day, he told me he was going to take a scholarship exam to study abroad. His mom wanted him to, and he wanted to go but didn't want to be away from me.

At that moment, I felt like I was holding back Nom Pan's future. Would he be better off without me? I wanted my special person to explore the big world, to experience good things and follow his dreams. So, I chose to leave. But you know... by then, I already loved Nom Pan."

[T/N: This is the biggest difference between Q and Phum. One would leave his beloved for their own good, while the other would rather pull their beloved down to hell with him. It's not about who loves deeper or more intensely, it's just that they express love differently. Each person loves in their unique way. But I hope this time Q will love Toey in a different way.]

I reached out to pat Q on the shoulder. It wasn't that he didn't want to love, but he was afraid to love. The story between Q and Toey was probably something beyond the word 'love'. There were probably no words to define or describe what it was.

"If you love him, why don't you be with him? You know how much Toey, uh, how much Nong loves you."

"He needs to have a good future. But even if it wasn't about his future, I'm just a terrible guy. I'm afraid that one day he'll get hurt because of me."

"So you decided to leave him and hurt him from that day on, huh?"

[T/N: Yeah, how were your brain working? I'm afraid that one day he'll get hurt because of me. So I'll hurt him today. If not now then when???]

"..."

"Listen, Q. No terrible guy is afraid of hurting the one they love. No bad person cares about their loved one's future. You are good enough for him, believe me."

"I'm afraid he'll get hurt," Q repeated the same sentence again.

[T/N: He's hurting. Badly.😡]

"Are you afraid he'll get hurt or that you'll get hurt? Love isn't as scary as you think, Q. If you keep being afraid, when will you ever get to love?" He sighed, and we were silent for a long time.

"Peem, I have feelings for Toey."

This time, I turned to look at Q in disbelief. I had secretly hoped he would feel something for Toey, but I never thought it would actually happen. I'm not Toey, but I still felt happy for him.

"Even though I like to argue with him, there's something about him that makes me feel good. It's not feelings of love or like. Maybe I have a sense that his eyes look at me differently than they look at you guys. Being close to him feels comforting, like standing in a wide field, under a clear sky, and fresh air. Do you understand, Peem?"

"Yeah, it's a special feeling, right? Since you feel good about Toey, I think you should talk to him. Clear things up with him."

"Give me some time, Peem. Honestly, I'm really confused right now. I still can't believe it's real. Or am I dreaming? Haha, I'm dreaming, right, Peem? Wake me up." Q was probably confused, not ready to accept that the person who had been in his heart all along was someone close to him.

For me, the relationship between Q and Toey is something others find hard to understand, even me, as their close friend. Q and Toey seem like strangers yet deeply connected, like people who don't know each other but know each other better than anyone else, like those who are far away but within reach.

It's not accurate to say they don't know each other because Toey has always known who the person he loves is. I can't imagine how he feels seeing Q with his girlfriend, and how Q feels, even with many people coming into his life, still thinking about his first love—a love that can't be touched, a love of someone afraid of love. In the end, everything depends on the two of them. 

TBC>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>