*This chapter hasn't been proofread.

[T/n: When I just read the title, a crazy idea popped up in my mind "morning sickness" 😂]

No fortune teller is as accurate as Dr. Peem. I predicted that I would get a fever, and it came true. Today, I'm lying in bed, sipping rice porridge at home. This morning, I even got a Abhidhamma chanting from Aunt Pui.

[*Accordingto Thai tradition, before a funeral, a merit-making ceremony called "Abhidhamma chanting" or "chanting in front of the coffin" is held.]

She complained that I didn't take care of myself and didn't take medicine preemptively. Who would have known that what Phum did to me would require taking medicine first? Hmph. But even though Aunt Pui complained, she still made porridge for me before going to work.

[T/N: Aunt Pui knows 😂]

My job was to get up and eat it. For lunch, I warmed it up myself. I also found a cloth to soak in water and placed it on my forehead. I'm just having a fever, not recovering from a hernia surgery. I can still take care of myself. Geez, what a handsome and capable person I am! Hmph, truly a god. But now, this god needs to go back to sleep. The cold medicine is making me drowsy.

"Ugh," I groaned, feeling uncomfortable. I kept waking up and falling back asleep, my throat sore and my head aching. Something warm touched my forehead. Was it a ghost? o_o When you're sick,your body lacks energy. How am I supposed to fight off an evil spirit?

What should I do? I tried to squint and look around, fearing that if I couldn't open my eyes, what would I do? Who would I need to spread kindness to (= ask for forgiveness), as I felt like I had many karmic debts. But luckily, I managed to open my eyes, even though the image in front of me was blurry.

The warm touch I felt was clear in my senses. Even without seeing the face, I knew who was stroking my head. Phew, does that soundgood? Does it sound romantic? But what I really felt was, how did this handsome guy get in? I'm sure I locked the house and the room.

"Phum, how did you get in?"

Phum sat down on the bed and used the back of his hand to touch my forehead. At first, when I saw him reaching out with the back of hishand, I thought he was going to slap me -_-

[T/N: Oh Peem, I thought the fever had caused severe brain damage or seizures.]

"How are you? Your body feels warm. Do you have a headache? Have you taken any medicine? You should go to the hospital." He bombarded me with questions, making my headache worse.

"I'm fine, just a little headache," I said, my voice nasal and hoarse. "How did you get here? Don't you have classes?"

"I do, but I skipped. I was worried about you. I wanted to come see you since morning, but Fang stopped me, saying I should go to class first. You won't die that easily."

Fang had a point about the importance of education, but why curse me?

Phum continued to stroke my head like I was a dog. He looked worried. He must be worried about me. Who would argue with that? Keke.

"Uhmm, Phummm~~~" I whined.

Oh my, Peem, you're whining because you're sick.

Did I just whine to Phum? Oh my god!!! So what? When you're sick, your body will be a little unstable. Can't I be weak sometimes? Are you jealous of me? Are you jealous that I have a handsome boyfriend to whine to? Geez! (I guess I'll have to send myself off to the Red Roof*.)

[* slang term referring to Srithanya hospital - the first psychiatric hospital in Thailand.
T/N: We'll send you to the Red Roof and keep Phum for ourselves. Bye]

"Hmm, what is it?" He went along with it. He smiled handsomely, asking. Ugh, stop it, it's creepy.

"I feel disgusting," I coughed, my voice nasal. Phum laughed. My throat still hurt, my head still ached, but I didn't feel as bad as when I was alone. Even though I was in pain, having Phum there made me feel better.

Seeing him skip class to sit and smile next to me, my symptoms almost disappeared. But come to think of it, he had a part in making me sick. Hmph. Wang Chao, Ma Han, bring the the dog-head executioner. Offwith his head!

[*the two loyal constables serving Justice Pao (包青天). Author must be a big fan of that series. She mentioned the dog-head executioner earlier 😂]

"What's disgusting? You're cute," he said. I threw the little buffalo doll at his face for being cheeky, but he dodged and caught it." Q and Mick are here too. They're eating your porridge in the kitchen. They'll come up soon."

Those damn friends, they never bring any get-well gifts, and they even come to eat my food. Great.

[T/n: Peem, they just followed proper etiquette for visiting a sickperson at home.]

I nodded and tried to take the buffalo back from Phum, but the strength of a sick person is no match for the strength of a monitorlizard. He pressed the stuffed toy against my cheek. I'm sick, you know. Bullying a sick person is a sin, Phum.

"Yooohoo Woohoo Ewwww" Q opened the door with Mick. They walked in slow motion as if they were filming a movie. Q gave me and Phum a wicked smirk, raising his eyebrows and nodding his head as if to add to the effect. Damn, it's so gross. Someone please gets Q out of my roomY_Y.

But you think I'll be embarrassed? Hah, forget it. I'm thick-skinned now. Anyway, Phum has already taken everything, I was sold out. I have nothing left to lose. Tease me, do whatever you want. Argh, not really! I quickly dived under the blanket, but Q rushed in and grabbed me in time.

Q pushed Phum off the bed and sat down in his place. He gently patted my head, and I could only stare at him, thinking of a way to escape.

Meanwhile, Mick jumped onto the bed on the other side, pulling the blanket over himself. After a while, he started shaking and whining like a dog that got splashed with hot water. Damn, you guys are really something. And where is Phum going to? Come back and help me!

[T/N: 🤣🤣🤣]

"How are you? Hmm, did you have a rough time, or was the water in Hua Hin cold? You came back with a fever."

"Yeah, the water was really cold. I should pour it down your throat."

"Oh, the water must be good. Even when you're sick, the dog in your mouth can still bark. Right, Mick?"

"Yeah, look at you. You must be allergic to the water. Your body is covered in red spots. Hahaha!"

[T/N: I'm wondering what kind of water they're taking about 🤔]

"Phum!!! Come back and kick these two assholes for me!"

Mick and Q laughed loudly. I hit them with a pillow toget them off the bed, but it was like escaping a tiger only to run into a crocodile. After I managed to get Q out, another creature I wasn't ready todeal with came closer, letting out a loud roar before it even arrived.

"Hey, Hia Peemmmmmm, Ouch!" Toey stood rubbing his head because he had run into the back of his senior. When he realized who itwas, his face immediately turned sour. "P'Q, why are you standing there blocking my way? Move aside!"

"Hey, you little brat, I was standing here minding myown business. You were the one who ran into me."

"Hmph, you're as big as a buffalo. You won't die easily. Even Hia Peem, who's about to die, isn't complaining." Damn, both ofthem are equally evil. "Hia Peem, I brought you some pickle." Toey ignored Q, who was about to rip his head off, and proudly showed me a dozen of bags of pickled fruits, smiling so wide you could almost see all 32 teeth.

"Why did you bring me pickled fruit? I have a fever!"

"Well, Hia Pan called me and said Hia Peem is having morning sickness and ask me to buy some sour stuff."

[T/N: We're in this together, Pan, hahaha!]

Damn it, I'm going crazy. Who should I kill first, Panwith his foul mouth or Toey pretending to be dumb? The three of them laughed at my embarrassment and anger. Are you here to visit a sick person or to make my fever worse?

"Toey, come listen to the baby kick," Mick you motherfucker!

"Really? Let me listen."

I coughed until my throat hurt and tried to move away from Toey, but in the end, I was too weak to resist. I let them do whatever they wanted. Damn Toey put his ear to my stomach. Let me end my pathetic miserable life right now!

"I can't hear anything. Is the baby asleep?"

The baby isn't asleep, but I don't have a uterus. I'm not pregnant. There's no baby. What the hell are you going to hear, you jerk?

"The baby is still small, so they haven't started kicking yet, Toey."

Go ahead, gang up on me! When it comes to bad things, these code brothers really get along well.

"Hey, what are you guys doing? My brother-in-law just gave birth. Don't disturb him." Here comes the big boss. I want to die. Fang walked in with a smirk, hands in his pockets, followed closely by Tan, who was grinning mischievously.

[T/N: Oh, he gave birth already? How so?]

Now Mick was back lying next to me, propping himself up on his elbow, and even rubbing my stomach through the blanket. Did you all plan to kill me? And where's the baby's father? No, wait, I mean where's Phum? Come help me!

T_T

"Toey, move aside. Let me check on my brother-in-law." Toey got up and stood laughing next to Tan, who was smiling happily at me. Fang came and sat in Toey's place, staring at me and chuckling under his breath. Each one of them was in high spirits.

"Give me your hand." Fang ordered.

I was confused by Fang's command. What was he up to now? I didn't trust anyone in this room. Since I came in, none of them had shown any concern for me. They either commented on me being pregnancy or giving birth. Damn it, why are there only jerks around me?

[T/N: 😃 because birds of a feather flock together]

"What are you going to do?"

"I told you to give me your hand, so just give me,"

Phum was already fierce, but Fang was even more forceful. Reluctantly, I took my hand out from under the blanket and extended it to him. Fang grabbed my hand, and I was puzzled about what he was going to do.

After a while, I felt something cold on my wrist."It's a gift for my brother-in-law," Fang said, releasing my hand. I brought my hand closer to look.

Oh my goshhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

OoO

>o<

It's gold, everyone!!!

A gold bracelet was on my wrist. It'sgold, real gold.

I looked at Fang in shock and confusion, while he smiled handsomely and cheerfully. The others were rolling on the floor laughing.

"Why are you staring at me? Where's my nephew/niece? Let me hold them."

"Is it real gold?"

"Of course, someone with a face like mine would give you fake gold?"

"Real gold, Hia, from Papa Toey's shop. Toey help Hia Fang choose." Toey's family owns a gold shop in Yaowarat.

"Then why are you giving this to me? I don't want it."

What the heck, why are you suddenly givingme gold? I tried to take it off, but Fang grabbed my hand.

"You dare return the thing I gave you? You must have ever faced death, huh?"

You dare to threaten me? I'm yourbrother's boyfriend, for crying out loud. Heck, both brothers are so overbearing.

"Come on, Peem. Consider it a red envelope* from me and my wife. When your child grows up, tell them Uncle Tan and Uncle Fang bought it for them."

[*red envelope (แต๊ะเอีย) is a gift of money given during holidays or for special occasions such as weddings, graduations, and birthdays.]

Damn it, first, I'm not pregnant. Second, I don't havea child. And third, I'm embarrassed. I looked around at everyone, and they were all laughing. Mick took my hand to inspect the gold. He pursed his lips and looked confused, then tried to bite the gold on my wrist to see if it was real.

"And where has Phum disappeared to? Why isn't he taking care of his wife?"

It was as if Phum had timed his entrance perfectly. As soon as someone asked about him, he appeared, carrying a tray with food, water,and medicine. Everyone turned to look at him, and he frowned in confusion, probably wondering why they were staring at him.

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

"The husband brought food for his wife. Don't forget to wash your baby's diapers too."

As soon as Q finished speaking, I burrowed under the blanket, diving deeper and deeper until I didn't know how to hide anymore. When they all ganged up on me, I was so flustered I couldn't even bark back.

Damn it, all of you get out! Get out now!I'm going to breastfeed my baby. Hahaha!

...

..

.

It might be because I had a good male nurse that my condition improved so quickly. So today, I was able to attend classes as usual. But things are about to get unusual because...

"Peem ka, oh, Gigi's Pimmy, come here, let me polish the pearls for you."

I was being sexually assaulted by Jame, a fat katoey who transformed into Gigi. But it wasn't like I was the only one facing that fate. Nueng, who was sitting on the long bench on the other side, was also in trouble.

"Neung ka, Katie miss Neung so so much." Ee Katie orAi K, a true Thai katoey who has been crazy about Nueng since the first year. Since they knew Neung was bisexual, the more delusional they became.

A'Gi and A'Katie are in the same faculty as me but ina different department. They are in the Performing Arts department. We often do activities together, so we know each other well and are close. My faculty isn't very big, so we pretty much know everyone.

When there's no class or during breaks, Ee Gigi's gang likes to come over and hang out with us. But today, only two of them came. Usually, there are five in their gang, and every single one of them is exceptional—well, at least in their own unique ways!.

They're not dangerous at all, they're nice, smart, and are beloved senior recreation leaders for the juniors. They're also good friends of ours. The only downside is that they're a bit quick with their hands, and the ones who often end up unlucky are me, Nueng, and our group of friends.

As for Q, he was initially the darling of all the katoeyin the faculty, but because he has a sharp tongue, he ended up feuding with Ai Gi's gang. He and Neung liked to get handsy with their buns and bazookas because they were white and plump and fun to tease. Every time they touched them,they screamed loudly across the campus. But clearly, they enjoyed it a lot.

Actually, our group and Gi's group are just friends like any other friends. They're crazy about men, but it's nothing serious. Besides, whenever they're around, there's always a lot of laughter.

What wind blew you guys to my territory?" Nueng asked Katie, who was clinging tightly to his arm like a gecko guarding its mate.

"Gi and I have good news to share. Gi has become the president of the International Transgender Association! Ahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!" Then the two of them screamed and rubbed their faces against mine and Nueng's shoulders, leaving us confused.

"What association?" I asked.

"The International Transgender Association! Don't you husbands know about it?"

It's not strange that we don't know, but if we did,that would be something to think about. Haha.

"To help the men understand, let me explain. The International Transgender Association is an organization that gathers top-quality transgenders with international standards and ISO 9002 certification. Are you proud now that your wife is the president of the International Transgender Association, Pimmy?"

[T/N: No, your Pimmy has just join the International Wives Association. He got the ISO 9002 certification too.]

"With a face like yours, being the president of the Doule-chin Transgender Club is already impressive, Pongthep." Haha, that's Gigi's real name, which is something untouchable, a forbidden word. Only Q dares to use it.

"You bastard Q, if you weren't handsome, I'd make you the vice president of the association," Gi snapped at Q and prepared to claw athim, but Q backed away to the end of the bench. We laughed at them.

"Hey, don't you dare come near me. Your pus and discharge might splatter on me. Eww.... Gross!"

"Óiii, who wants to be near you, Ee Q? I'm here to see Peem. Oh my god, ahhhhh! Peem, which bitch bit you? Your neck is all red."

Damn, Gi tried to pull open my student shirt, but I dodged in time. Others looked on curiously, while Q was the only one laughing.

"I bit him myself. Isn't that right, Peem?"

"You're strong, Katie, you navel of the sea. Pimmy (my name is just Peem, geez) is mine. Your husband is Q over there." Katie sneered at Q.

[*This is a line in the song "Navel of The Sea" (สะดือทะเล): "When your love is gone, don't force yourself like forcing a cow to eat grass." You can get what "Ee Navel of The Sea" means, right?]

"If I just looked at his face, I'd want him to be my husband, but I'm afraid that if we have sex, the dog in his mouth will bite my neck. Haizzz!"

"Who wants to fuck you, Ee K? If I have to fuck you, I'd rather fuck a mountain bullfrog."

"A frog wouldn't want a crawling worm like yours." Gi looked down at Q's crotch, squinted and bit their lip in a mock-sexy manner, making the whole table burst into laughter.

" It just so happens that my worm is a GMO, genetically modified. If you can't picture it, have you ever seen an elephant'strunk? Ha ha, that's it."

"Ptui!!!" It wasn't just Gi and K's voices, but the whole table's. Damn Q, why is elephant trunk so tiny, huh?

[T/N: 😐😑😭Toey, where's he? Come listen to what his Phi Code is bragging about.]

"So, what are you guys doing around here?" Chai asked, trying to break up the fight between the dancing katoey and the foul-mouthed guy.

"Looking for a man to make a husband," Katie replied, still clinging tightly to Nueng's arm, just like Gi was holding onto mine.

"Doesn't your department have any men, Gi?" It was a question everyone knew the answer to, haha.

"Well, if my department had all the manly men, I wouldn't have to come this far to hunt one, Ee Joe."

"Don't waste your time looking, Gi. Even if you died and were reborn ten times, you wouldn't find a husband. It's a waste of time. Better spend that time fixing your face to look human again, I think."

"Ahhhhhh!!!!!!! Pimmy, Ee Q is insulting Gi! Pimmy, do something for Gigi!" Even the sharp-tongued katoey couldn't do anything against the pack of dogs in Q's mouth.

"Q, don't speak the truth, Gi can't handle it, haha."

"You're annoying, husband. I'm here to tell you that tomorrow at 1 PM, please attend the club meeting. Otherwise, I'll force you allto be my wives, especially you, Ee Chai. As the future president, you should show up to meetings sometimes. That's all for today, Katie, retreat. See ya, man!" They bit their lip and winked at me, then sashayed away.

We should have known Ee Gigi never comes with good news.

...

..

.

After battling with Gigi, I came to have lunch with Phum and the gang at the engineering cafeteria. Phum went to buy drinks and left me to wait for two plates of stir-fried basil pork with omelet. We eat the same thing, so, who am I going to steal food from now?

Slap!

"Ouch!!!" I was reaching out to take the plate from the auntie when suddenly someone slapped me on the head so hard that the plate almost slipped from my hand. Even the auntie was shocked. Imagine how hard that hit must have been.

"Damn it, Kee! You didn't wait for me." I put down the plate, holding my head with one hand, and quickly turned to see who the hell slapped me so hard. It had to be either Chan or Tan, but...

"Hoy!!!"

Who is this tall, sharp-faced guy? He looked shocked, and I was confused too. I don't have any friends who look like this, so why did he slap me?

"Uh, sorry. I thought you were my friend. You look the same from behind. Sorry." The guy smiled awkwardly and bowed repeatedly to apologize. Damn, he mistook me for someone else, so I got hurt for nothing. If it were Chan, I'd definitely slap him back, but what can I do? Let's just consider it an accident. He probably didn't mean it.

[T/n: Imagine if the person he mistook and slapped on the head were Fang 🥶]

"Alright, it's fine. But you have to pay for my meal because you hurt me." Since I couldn't slap him back, I had to use this method. He looked even more stunned.

What's he confused about? Just pay for my meal ascompensation for hurting me. Or does he not have money? It's only sixty bahtfor two plates.

"Do you have money to pay me?"

"Uh, yes, yes, I'll pay."

"Good. Auntie, please charge him." I looked at him and shook my head in exasperation. I took my plate and walked out. Tan came out with his plate and Fang's from the pork leg rice shop.

" Where's Phum?"

"He's waiting at the table. What happened just now, Peem?"

"Nothing, just that guy mistook me for someone else and slapped me."

"Hahaha, is there anyone as short as you to be mistaken for someone else? Poor you."

I really wanted to shove my dirty Converse into Tan's mouth. I walked far from the food stall, but I could still hear someone's voice calling after me.

"What are you standing there looking cool for? We've been waiting to eat for ages."

"..."

"Hey, did you hear me? What are you looking at, Kluen?"

End of Chapter 24>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>