Proofreader: azzianna

The other day I boldly invited Phum to come to my house. Unfortunately, I was disappointed because he rejected me.

You're holding onto your pride too much. Don't let P'Peem be cruel, or Non will probably get hurt. Kekeke. I just sat there smiling, wide-eyed, all alone. And before I really went crazy, the phone's ring interrupted me. Glancing at the time, no need to guess who it is. There's only one person who calls at this time of the day - my father.

"Hello, handsome Peem speaking."

[Oh, I think I called the wrong number]

(T/N: 🤣🤣🤣)

"Comrade, what's going on? What are you calling me for?"

[What's wrong with your tongue? Speak nicely]

I laughed loudly and spoke in a normal way as my father asked.

"Why are you calling? Are you going to transfer me money? Twenty thousand ná. Now I have only twenty left."

[Do you spend money or do you burn it? I just transferred it to you.]

"Hee hee, I'm just kidding. I won't ask you for money. I'll ask aunt Pui. Do you have any updates today? Tell me."

[I'm going on a trip.]

"Really? Where are you going? With whom?"

[Phuket, I will take my wife on a honeymoon. I haven't traveled for a long time. If they don't approve my vacation leave, I'll resign.] Thai police are as strong as anyone in the world.

"Do you have an appointment with aunt Pui? You all fled into the sea. Let Peem come with you."

[Do you understand the meaning of 'honeymoon', Mew (Kitty)? Going with us to be a third wheel? Don't you have any shame? If your duty is to study, just study.]

(*Peem's father always calls him by petname Mew. So cute!)

"Owwww, are you saying this to cut off the father and son relationship?"

[Should I take a knife or scissors?]

Most father would call their sons "Tiger", right? But my father calls me "Cat". Giving the reason that 'The tiger is big. Just small one like you, being called a cat is enough.'. Because my body isn't big enough so I was downgraded from a tiger to just a cat. Very imaginative, my father.

[T/N: Now we know whom Peem inherits the imagination from.
azzianna : and the sassiness 😌]

"Ah, got it, during the semester break, I won't return to Chiang Mai. Don't miss me."

[I'm going to order a rocket to hit your coffee shop. Both aunt and nephew will go into the fertilizer business. So, where is aunt Pui going?]

(T/n: 😂😂😂)

"Went to a seminar in Krabi"

[Oh.]

"That's why Peem asked you if you had made an appointment with aunt Pui or not."

[How can I make an appointment? She barely ever calls me. And who do you stay at home with?]

"I'm home alone. But I'll call Q and other guys over to sleep. Por, let Peem go with you ná náaa~."

[Do you want to eat my bullets? Why don't you listen to me. Are you planning to skip school?]

Listen to the words that spill from my father's lips, one can't help but be transported to an era long past. I laughed until I couldn't breathe.

"What school (โรงเรียน)? This is the university (มหา' ลัย). Use words like an old man. Now, why do you only take your wife with you? Why don't you take me with you? Don't you love your wife and your child equally? Are you biased? As always, you love your wife more than your child."

[Of course, I can have another child any time. But it's hard to find a new wife the same as the original one. Hehe]

"Er, great, dad, where's your wife?"

[Burn Khao Lam and collect Bodhi leaves]

My mother always plays card game. A real police wife has to play card game as a hobby.

(*Bodhi leaves = playing cards 😂)

"You ain't going to catch her?"

[Only I got caught by your mother. Have you eaten yet? Aunt Pui isn't at home. How will you eat?]

"Eat until I almost vomit. Please tell Mom that Peem misses her very much, and grandma as well. I also miss my father and souvenir from Phuket too, Beard."

(*Peem calls his father by nickname Beard (หนวด /nùuat/)

[Uh, on the way back, I'll stop by Bangkok. I don't miss you. I'm going to stop by to see my mother.]

(T/N: 😅)

This time, I nearly split my sides. Acting touch even with his son, I do trust my father, don't I?

[Don't forget to call your friends to come stay with you, understand?]

"I know, You're worried like you have a daughter."

[Thieves don't mind if it's a girl or a boy. They aren't picky. Especially a person who is as big as a dog like you should be careful. And learn to carry condoms with you. Don't let girls buy birth-control pills themselves.]

[T/N: Por, you're so thoughtful.]

"Oh, what are you saying? 😳 I'm a grown man. Stop treating me like a kid."

[Alright, just don't ruin my name. That's all. I'm going to sleep.]

"Ok, I miss you, Beard. Bye. Good night."

I hung up the phone and let out a loud sigh. When I was talking to my father, I was really comfortable, but as soon as I hung up the phone, I felt down again. I definitely can't be alone tonight. I'd rather call all my close friends to sleep over.

The first person I wanted to rely on was Chan, but he couldn't come because he had an exam tomorrow. He had to study all night. That's how it is for med students, always stacked with exams and work. It's okay. I understand.

The second one, Pan, couldn't come either because the neighbor's dog was giving birth. What the fuck, are you the puppies's father? Why did you have to watch over a dog that was about to give birth? It wasn't even your own dog. Acting like an MP, helping people in need when the election is coming. Just like that.

The third person, Q, also couldn't come. Because he had to help his Nong Code with his homework. I was shocked. Oh my god!!! Q helped Toey with his assignment. Are they going to kill each other? By the time the work is finished, there may be a funeral invitation sent to my house. So my glimmer of hope must be left to my last dear friend.

"Tan, are you free? Come sleepover with me."

[Oh, what's wrong with you? Are you sick?]

"No, I have something to talk about... Uhm, no, I... We haven't played games together for a long time, right? And I just... just bought a new game disc..."

[Ok, enough. Stop beating around the bush. Heck, wait a second.] I listened to the rustling sound for a while and then heard the voice of Tan shouting loudly [Fang! Khao Fang, I'm going to stay at Peem's house.] And I heard another man shout back,

'Go wherever the hell you wanna go!'

[T/N: Awww they're so sweet!]

...

..

.

"Fang doesn't mind that you came to stay with me, right?"

Tan and I sat and enjoyed the breeze on the balcony of my room, each with a beer in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. The cool breeze carried the fragrance of Mok flowers, Kaew flowers, Frangipani flowers, Pipe flowers (why are there so many flowers in my garden?) There're all kinds of flowers. From the fragrant scent, they have already become pungent. Sinusitis has started.

"Of course. Why would he mind? I just go to see my friend."

"I don't know. I saw that he was very possessive of you." Said to please him a bit. That was bullshit. Haha. I'm so evil.

"Really? Does he seem possessive of me? Really?"

See, I told you. Tan's mood brightened instantly. Well, ever since he started dating Fang, he seems to trust people easily. Supposedly, Fang must be really jealous. I heard that he even followed Tan at the faculty, but the source of the information was Q. I think we should only believe half of it.

"Just because he's so possessive, are you that happy?"

"Very much!" His cheerful voice drew a smile from me again.

"And you... aren't you afraid of dating Fang?" I picked up the beer and took the last sip.

He laughed before saying, "What am I afraid of? Fang is not a king cobra. He might bite sometimes. But he's not poisonous. Plus I can bite him back." Tan raised his eyebrows and narrowed his eyes.

[T/N: Single people hate you, Tan.]

"You jerk!" I laughed, kicking his leg, and then we were both silent, lost in our own world of thoughts.

"Tan, tell me something. How did you two become lovers?"

Tan took his eyes off the sky above and turned to meet mine. "What is going on with you?" He laughed, looking into my eyes as if he was trying to find something. He was probably wondering what the hell was going on with me, and why I suddenly wanted to know about it. He didn't look at me with a judgmental look in his eyes but with a look of concern. It was like he knew that I was upset about something, yet he didn't ask and started telling the story as I asked.

"Hey, if it's not convenient for you, that's fine. I'm just...just asking."

"I'm ok. Where should I start? Do you remember what I once told you about? The story that I helped Phum and his friend." Tan began in a firm voice.

I nodded, accepting the new can of beer that my friend handed me before stopping, "Don't tell me that person is Fang."

"Uh, but actually, we've known each other since the Chaturamit Sports Event. Fang was the co-head cheerleader. It should be M.5."

"Wow, it's been a long time. But you're a football player, so how did you meet?"

"Oh, don't interrupt me, I'm getting there." Tan asked me to keep silent.

Oh, one person was a cheerleader and the other was a football player. And they studied at different schools. Can't I have doubts? How did you get to know each other?

"At that time, Fang was a real nuisance." Even though he said that, Tan had a smile on his face. "He looked arrogant. When I looked at him, I was extremely annoyed. I really wanted to kick his mouth."

I really wanted to record this part, my dear friend. I should probably blackmail him until the next life. Though, honestly, Fang's face still looks arrogant right now, hahaha.

[T/N: beauty in the eye of the beholder. Now in Tan's eyes, Fang has the sweetest face.]

"He came to ask for Ai Palm, the head cheerleader of our school, so I replied but annoyed him a bit, like when I was joking with other people. Then Fang just walked up and punched me in the mouth. Think about it, Peem. There were our football players, the cheerleaders, and staff, which would be almost a hundred lives in the room, yet, he was only one person. Damn, he was so bold. I punched him right back. We punched each other in the mouth until our lips both cracked. It's because of this that I and Phum's gang didn't get along well."

"Oh, oh, is that him? I remember that you fought with a Assumption boy, but I didn't know it was Fang."

"Yeah, it was Fang. My destiny."

[T/N: 🤮😒]

"Fuck, this is so classic, the beloved enemy couple, like 'the Sun cuts the East*'"

* Tawan Tud Burapha was a Thai TV drama in the action and heroic bloodshed genre. Tawan (The Sun) and Burapha (The East) are brothers who used to be very close but fate led them to different paths.

I was both amused and stunned. The love story of Tan and Fang was even more brutal than Phum and I, because they're both hot-headed. A couple? Eh, wait, what am I even making this comparison? Phum and I have nothing to do with each other. So I corrected my embarrassment by picking up a beer and downing the entire beer can in one go.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked. He moved his legs to chase away mosquitoes before continuing to tell the story. "Well, after that day, we always had issues with each other. Until one day, I ran into him and Phum, who were being ganged up on by some vocational school kids. They were a group of dogs, ten against two, so I helped out." He turned to look at me as if to say, you probably remembered what happened next. I remember you getting suspended. You survived and didn't get expelled because your rich family used money to cover up from the school.

[*This part was added in the latest publication. The author probably forgot that in chapter 2, Tan lied to Peem that he got in a car accident while he was trying to avoid a dog running on the street 🤔.]

"What a fucking hero!" I drew out loudly.

"Of course." His shrug was very disturbing.

"A bad hero."

Tan shrugged again. I couldn't stand it, so I reached out my foot and kicked him. Fuck you Tan, are you trying to paint yourself in a good light?

Tan, Q, Chan have been considered people on the school government's blacklist for a long time. They were very unruly in those days. Uh, it's called "no time for love, only looking for trouble*". The funny thing was, Pan was the student president. Think about it, how messed up our lives were. Sometimes they were fighting with someone, and suddenly they had to run back and help Pan with his activities. Sometimes when I was helping Pan with his work, there was an emergency call from the police station. How interesting my life was! But most of the time I was banned from interfering when they had trouble with someone, and was used as a scapegoat to deceive the teachers when they skipped school. So I didn't know who they went to fight with.

[*Deriving from the song title "No time for love, just work" (รักไม่ยุ่งมุ่งแต่งาน)]

"When did you start liking Fang?"

I asked, looking at Tan as he knocked cigarette ashes down the balcony. Heck, if it falls on and burns any of Madam Pui's orchids, your head will definitely fall off your shoulder. He blew out white smoke and turned to smile at me before looking up into the dark sky. His handsome face was filled with happiness just because I asked about the person he loves, and just because he was thinking about the time he was with Khao Fang.

"I...I don't know. By the time I realized, I couldn't get my eyes off him, couldn't get him out of my mind. But I was really stressed out at that time. I was completely confused. You know that I've always been with girls in the past, but suddenly... I had feelings with a man. Plus, that man is a friend. It was like I was in the cursed year, and Rahu entered and brought a lot of trouble. Damn it!"

He and I laughed together. No matter how bad the matter is, anyway, once we get through it, it is often filmed in a funnier way. Especially if you tell it to close friends. I think Tan came through the difficult times very strongly. So much so that I feel guilty for not being there for him.

"I was so stressed out. The matter of knowing that I'm a bisexual isn't as stressful as the fact that I secretly like my own friend. Do you remember? If Fang wasn't a friend, even if he was a man, if I liked him, I'd court him. At that time, when I realized it, I didn't care what gender he was. But this is my friend. I lost my mind and liked my own friend. So I couldn't do anything because I'm afraid of losing a friend. I wanted to say that I like him very much but the possibility of my hopes being fulfilled is zero. Damn, it's probably negative. Then I will no longer be able to distance myself from him. Because he's a friend, I'll move forward, or move backward, or won't do anything. No matter what, I'll be hurt. You understand me, right?"

Oh, I understand. I understand very clearly. This emotion, this feeling, is what I want to pull out of me and kick it far away.

"At that time, Fang was dating someone. Actually there were more than one. There's always people approaching him. He's that handsome so it's not surprising at all."

"True, I agree that this is very true. I used to think you're the most handsome in our group, but when I met Fang, you're just like a dog, Tan."

"Stop lying Peem, you motherfucker. Last time you said that Chan was the most handsome."

"Well, he said he would give me two hundred if I said he was the most handsome." Chan has a disease that likes to throw money at his friends. And I'm a person who likes money from friends. How can we not become friends? 🤷‍♀️

[T/N: I need some friends like Chan.]

"A thin piece of paper can really cut a friendship. Where did I stop? Oh, I was hurt. I didn't see a way to get my hopes up. So I decided to keep the friendship. It's better than not having anything left. But when one is forbidden from a thing they desire, that's when the desire multiples. And, they jump through hurdles to get to it. Damn it! Whether eating or sleeping, I only thought about Fang. When going on a date with someone else, I still thought about him. You know, I even had to take sleeping pills during that time. I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't dare to tell you guys. I was completely confused. It was the time when you saw me looking exhausted."

The word "sleeping pills" made my heart skip a beat. He has the brain to get into engineering, but just liking a friend made him think about death. So I kicked him one more time.

"The more days passed by, the more I cared about him, the more I wanted to possess him. I saw him taking a girl out to eat and watch a movie. I wanted to rip the skin off both of their heads. I couldn't stand it and I was blown away."

"What did you do? Wrestled* him?"

[*ปล้ำ 1. To wrestle 2. To Rape]

"That's so badass. No, I'm not that bad. Am I??? I just told him straight."

Wow, that's cool, man. I'll do it too, soon. I listened to him telling his story while imagining the scene. It was more thrilling than watching an action mixed with a horror movie.

[T/N: Oh really, Peem? I'll give you 200 if you do it.]

"So how did it go? Was he ok with it? Did he say yes?"

"Said he wanted to bring his fist to me. I got punched in the mouth till I bled. But it was worth it because I had kissed him."

[T/N: I can picture Tan smiling happily with his bloody mouth.]

Sooo Pisan Akrasanee, punches and kisses.

[* Pisan Akrasanee, the "Sadistic hero" or "sadistic director". (Detailed reference in chapter 3).]

Does it have to be that violent? After all, this is a confession of love.

After listening to Tan's story, I could only pray that Phum wouldn't punch me in the face. Hmmmm??? Wait, it's Phum again? Peem, you're so obsessed with him. I pressed my hands against my cheeks, shook my head to get rid of the dizziness. I turned and saw Tan smiling, his eyes twinkling. I didn't know if he was drunk or thinking about his boyfriend. He dropped the cigarette into the beer can and said to me,

"And that was when I knew the feeling of the wish being fulfilled, when Khao Fang shouted in my face, 'You bastard, what took you so long to say it, you buffalo'. Haha, turned out he felt exactly the same as me. What a miracle! The sparkle in his eyes on that day is still fresh in my mind. He's so stubborn, yet so cute, cute overload."

[T/N: I need a break from this. I can't bear this.🤮]

Then I smiled along with my friend. I pretended to be nauseous, like I was about to vomit. Tan shouted in embarrassment and pushed my head away.

"To this day I still can't believe that I'm dating Fang. It's like winning first prize in the lottery. The possibility is one in a million but it is possible."

"That's why you're so madly in love with him?"

Tan nodded and said a sentence that was extremely annoying.

"Uh. This means transferring the ownership of my house, my condo, my car, my land, all in Fang's name."

"Is the transfer because you want Fang to continue the installments?"

"You know me, bastard. Haha, I'm fine now, I have a rich wife."

The sound of our laughter reverberated throughout the house. I let out a breath. My heart was surprisingly full. I looked at Tan, whose eyes began to blur, and told him what I felt.

"I'm happy for you!"

Happy that Tan's wish is fulfilled. Happy that he can be himself, be the way he wants to be, love in the way he wants to love. I'm happy to see he's happy. Just the thought that if he were to be disappointed, I would be sad too. When I saw my friend's smile wide with sparkling eyes, I felt at ease. It was not difficult for me to smile as well.

"Um, thank you, what about you? What's going on? Q told me someone is sending you snacks? Dude, what're you hiding?"

"No, what girl? What snack? Fuck you Q, you put the fire on me."

Regarding the matter of making a sculpture from water*, let me tell you that Q is the number one. He's better at making sculpture from water than with clay and concrete.

[*ปั้นน้ำเป็นตัว idiom. (lit) make sculpture from water. (fiv) make up a story, tell a lie]

"You sure? If I find out anything later, you'll get in trouble."

"Oh, find out what? You really like to threaten other people. As I said, there's nothing, get it?"

"What's wrong? Just like this, you have to shout at me. So are you going to spit out what you're stressed about? I'll be honest, your face when you're suffering is so awful, Peem."

I let out a long sign, thinking about the reason that Tan asked about. I could only look up and stare blankly at the sky. It is said that people who like to look at the sky see the world in a positive light. But right now, since I don't know what to look at, I could only look at the sky. Moreover, they said that if you look at the sky, it will make your worries feel smaller. Whether that's true or not, let me just take a look first. I sighed and slowly composed what I thought and felt.

"I feel like my life right now...is hollow. There's nothing at all. It's empty. There's no happiness. But I don't know what I'm suffering from."

I heard Tan slapping the mosquitoes loudly. I could feel his eyes on me.

"I'm fed up. I can't paint. Even though I should try harder to be more skillful, but... I don't know. It feels like I used to be happier. I just miss the old me."

I laughed even though there was nothing funny about it. I'm good at listening, but I'm not very good at explaining my own feelings. And it's not often that there are things that bother me.

"Is this artist mode?"

"I don't know. I'm in the process of finding myself."

"Yeah, it's possible. You might be about to become an adult. It is normal to be unhappy as an adult."

"What the fuck is your theory?" This time I laughed so loudly that it hurt my throat. Tan laughed as well.

"That's true. We had just started university and had only just turned twenty a few days ago. No hurry. Why are you stressing out?" Tan picked up his beer and drank it in a big gulp. "You are someone who everyone feels comfortable with, you know that, right?"

"How?" I asked, laughing. Even though it's not the first time I've heard a sentence like this, listening to other people talk about me in a good way is one of my favorite things to hear.

"I can't explain it well, but being with you feels good, comfortable, no pressure. It's been like that since we first became friends. So we're really worried about you. It is like you're a Buddhist saint among a group of thieves. So we don't let you get involved in the bad things that we used to do."

"Shit, what the fuck is that comparison? Who did you compare me with???"

"There is energy inside the human body. We can release energy!"

[T/N: Tan started talking like Pan 😅]

Oh Well!!! My friend was definitely drunk. I nodded, pretending to be wrapped up in it even though I had to hold back laughter.

"We have biological waves which can receive and send signals. The energy of the human mind is interconnected. You are a person with positive energy. Your good heart can be felt by everyone around you. Everyone likes being around you."

This time, I burst into laughter at Tan's strange idea. Can't believe that he studies engineering. But I admitted that listening to something like this helped me feel a lot better. Then Tan continued speaking in a serious tone.

"A person who always makes other people happy, when you say you're not happy, it makes me wither away. You are truly a person who is deserving of happiness, Peem."

"Am I that good?"

"Yes, but it's good that you spoke up a bit. There are probably many reasons why people in this world are unhappy. I'm not an expert, I've been through the world as much as you, lived the same amount of life. And as far as I've ever met, there're two types of people who like to say they're unhappy: one is people who may not yet know what they want, and the other is people who still hesitate to take action to manifest their desires. Ai Nong (little brother), as for you, go ask yourself if you belong to one of these two types or not."

I sat still, thinking about his words. The thing that I want? So what do I want?

"Peem"

"um?"

"You can always tell me when you're ready." Tan patted my shoulder gently. It made me feel so good that I smiled back at him.

"Oh, thank you very much. Der bak* (little brother), haha."

[* Isan language]

We continued our silly chats, talking about football and past heroic deeds, gossiping about friends in the gang, laughing until our stomachs hurt, and even calling Chan to tease him and make him curse us for fun. The dentist complained that I didn't invite him to drink beer. Bastard, weren't you the first one I invited? So we made an appointment and agreed that this Friday we would throw a small party at my house. After all, we haven't had a party in six days, haha. Besides, I made a promise to the motherfucker Q. You'll die of dysentery.

As the hand on the clock approached 1 am, Tan and I cleaned up the beer cans and the ashtray to a corner of the room. Then we climbed into bed, turning off the light, and falling asleep.

On nights when there aren't enough stars to light up the sky, nights when the moonlight is lost to the city light, I have a good friend sleeping by my side. The problem had not yet been solved, but I could feel the weight pressing down on me had eased somewhat. I'm not alone. I'm not alone. I'm not alone...

Thank you ná Tan! I know what I want. And I will follow my heart.

It was the night that I fell asleep with determination and vigor.

Phum, wait just a little bit, please!

TBC >>>>>>>>>>