VII

Kaida began to truly wonder if Axel was right. After Ben's so-called confession, he hadn't stopped by to see her since. She knew he hadn't seen Axel, either; she would have felt his presence. Her only visitors were Stormtroopers clad in white who offered her slop that they called food on a cold metal tray.

She wasn't sure what to wait for. Nothing? Something from Ben?

Kaida ran a hand through her greasy dark hair. She felt layers of sweat cling to her clothes. It wasn't hot in the room, she just hadn't switched out clothes for a bit. She wished she could, she'd take anything other than her robes that smelled of her stink.

She got up from the cot to sit herself on the cold floor, knees pulled to her chest. She remembered this position for some time. It had almost become a natural setting for her, especially during her conflicted time.

~*~

"You're not calm, Kai," Axel told his twin sister. Both were meditating together, legs crossed, a pillow seated underneath both of them.

Kaida peeked open an eye. Both of his were closed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Breathe. Do I need to coach you through breathing?"

She snorted. "I can handle breathing."

"Then let it help you."

Kaida wiggled for readjustment. She had never actively meditated outside of training. Axel had found it strange, too, when he had found her one day doing the activity. He'd decided to join her.

Kaida picked up on an approaching presence, one she was all too familiar with. It was also one she wasn't quite ready to face just yet, even though a significant amount of time had passed.

"Oh, didn't realize I was interrupting," came Ben Solo's voice from behind Kaida. She felt her concentration snap and her body tense up.

"It's nothing important," Axel assured Ben.

"I hate to break up the sibling time, but, could you give me a minute with her?"

Please say no, please say no, Kaida chanted in her head. But she sighed deep in her chest when she saw Axel get up. She remained where she was. She watched her brother leave and was very aware of Ben's presence.

"First it was the library, and now it's meditation," Ben started casually. "You're changing into someone unrecognizable, Kai. Are you going to change your hair color next?" He laughed at his own joke. "Oh, come on. Not even a chuckle?"

Through her nose, Kaida sighed. She removed herself from the pillow, grabbing it as she rose. She turned to Ben, and her heart was sent into a sprint. "Why are you following me, Ben?"

"I can't help but wonder if I've done something wrong." He looked down, shameful. "Did I say something to upset you? Have I insulted you somehow? You just one day stop speaking to me. You avoid me like I'm a disease. What happened to us being friends, Kai?"

Kaida felt her heart cry as his eyes met hers. I'm not ready. If I say what's really going on, it'll break our friendship to pieces. I can't lose him; he means too much to me. She searched his eyes, hoping that he would give her the strength to tell him the truth. It doesn't do well for a Jedi to lie. She really wished her brain would shut up right now.

Finally, she exhaled loudly, feeling defeat settle in her chest. I would rather him be apart from me knowing the truth than wondering for the rest of his life. "You want to talk? Alright, let's talk." She dropped the pillow beside her. "You've done nothing wrong, Ben. It's me. I'm...not well."

"You're sick?"

"Not entirely."

"You're not...you're not dying, are you?" His eyes were wide with pain.

Kaida rolled her eyes. "You would feel if I was, you fool. It's...I've...Things have changed for me. I've been opened up to an entirely different world than what I've been used to. Things seem murky, but sometimes they're as clear as a sunny day. What I'm trying to say is..." She sighed. "You remember the old Jedi Code, yes?"

"I can't repeat it word for word, but yeah."

"Well, it's a strict life, for what we want to be. We can't know fear, nor hate, nor...nor love." She swallowed down the last word.

"What are you struggling with, Kai? Just say it!"

"I've been avoiding you because I've got...feelings for you," she mumbled awkwardly. "It's a horrible way to express it, but you kind of yelled at me." She shrugged.

For a while, Ben lapsed into silence, which made Kaida very anxious. She couldn't tell what he was thinking, she used to be able to do that. The time apart has really shrunk my connection with him.

When Ben finally made a noise, a snort of a laugh, Kaida felt herself able to breathe. But now she was looking into what that reaction meant.

"You're kidding," Ben scoffed. Kaida looked at him like a confused animal. "All this avoiding me, icing me out, was because you caught feelings for me?"

"Don't you understand, Ben? Jedi can't have attachments! It's forbidden!" she chastised him.

"And you thought by up and leaving me, that that would end that possibility for us?"

"I'd hoped so."

Ben looked a little crestfallen by her statement, but it was a fleeting emotion. "Kaida, it was perhaps the dumbest thing you could have done. By avoiding me, you made me worry about you more than I already do! You...you're not the only one who's learned from our time apart."

This perked Kaida's interest. "What do you mean?"

Ben didn't answer her with words; he answered by grabbing her and putting his lips to hers gently. Kaida's first instinct was to shove him off, but her brain prevented her body from committing the act.

"It means," he said when they stopped for air, "that I'm in love with you, Kaida Quinn."

~*~

Kaida heard Ben's confession in the recesses of her mind. It brought tears to her eyes, tears which she wiped away. They had been almost adults when they had, awkwardly, confessed their love towards one another.

She remembered the rest of that moment: how afraid she had been that someone had seen; how calm Ben had been about the whole situation; how he assured her that it was possible for the two of them to go through training and be together. She had been the worrier, afraid that he hadn't been thinking straight, that his words were fueled by the kiss they'd shared.

But it had worked, for a while. We trained, we loved. We grew, we bonded. But then, like a storm over her head, the dark questions creeped into Kaida's head. Where did we go wrong? Where did I lose him? Where were the signs that I didn't pick up?

Her mind was centered on Ben, who she knew him to be, and who she was seeing now. Her head began to pound in frustration. Her stomach was growling. Lack of food and sleep did not pair well with an oncoming headache.

"Kaida?" came Axel's voice from the other side.

"I'm fine," she rasped. "Just...headache."

"Sorry, the Force can't take that pain away."

She chuckled. "If only." She picked at loose skin around her fingernails. "Maybe you're right, Axel. Maybe this is a trap, his offer."

"I can't find it in me to tell you 'I told you so'. I hate piling on top of your misery."

Kaida's lips twitched upwards for about half a second. "You're a good brother, Ax. So...what are you thinking? We do our own break out of here?"

"I would rather it be us than us plus him. He's messing with your head, Kai. He's trying to play on your past. He knows it's a soft spot for you."

And only a Sith would play on another's misery. They would use any advantage they could to get a foothold in their twisted plot. The headache was growing in her skull, like someone was punching it from the inside.

Her mind, even though she knew it should have been decided, was still torn.

What could she believe, and who?

**The little flashback was too cute. Ah, awkward love.**