EMMIE

Watching as Cal walks outside to join Alex who's been enjoying some fresh air, I use this opportunity to approach Zach alone for the first time tonight.

It's been so long since we've spoken to each other as normal people again that I had almost convinced myself it would be awkward. Events aside, being away from someone for that long can do some serious damage, but certain people are like muscle memory. As soon as you start up again, you fall easily back into the routine. I can't pretend like we don't share a longer history than most others in my life.

The last time we talked, if I could even call it that, was the day I caught them at Alex's apartment. But the last time I saw Zach was more recent, even more recent than at Cal's housewarming party. Everything had happened so quickly at that party that it was easy to tune myself out. I barely registered Zach's face for more than a second before I was running out the door to find her. But running into him at the park with barely anybody else around was like an ice-cold bucket of water straight to the face.

I don't know why I froze. It's been so long since I've thought about him angrily. I guess the party felt more like a scene out of a movie while running into him there felt more like real life. At least at the party, there were so many moving parts that it was easy to get lost in the mix of it. There, surrounded by nature and the sound of our concurrently beating hearts, there was only us.

And Heather's dog that I was walking. Bless that dog because it gave me a reason to run away when it started chasing a bird and I almost lost hold of his leash.

Fast forwarding to this moment, watching his back as he stands in front of the sink washing dishes, I realize it was all just the shock of it all. An unexpected moment I hadn't mentally prepared for. Now, I feel even and content. There's no blood rushing, no heart pounding, no staticky breathing. I'm just one person standing in front of another and fully aware of those other two outside. Against all odds, I recognize first and foremost that these people, through all of our complications and triumphs, are a messy family. It matters more than anything else.

"Do you need some help?" I ask.

Zach briefly turns around before nodding. "Sure."

Rolling up my sleeves, I take over the rinsing while he does the scrubbing. Truthfully, I've never had a relationship end well enough to stay friends. Not that I can say that's necessarily what we are right now, not yet. But we're being far more civil than I've been with any of my other exes, so that says something. In hindsight, the time apart is probably what aided in this the most. A lot of my time spent away was spent getting to know myself again and reevaluating all of my past relationships, romantic or platonic.

"What do you think they're talking about?"

Zach laughs quietly. "Hell if I know. Could be anything from debating what game to murder us in next or the effects of climate change. There's no guessing with those two."

Working through the dishes as a two-person team means we move through them quickly. I speed through the icebreaker questions all the same—how's your mom? Dad? Where are you working now? Oh, that's cool. Glad you found something you like. Zach returns the favor, though he strategically avoids the more loaded questions about my family. As much as I'm willing to share everything that's happened in the past couple of years with him, I have no interest in unloading all of that right now at Cal's house. It'll just kill the mood with unnecessarily personal heartbreaks.

Of course, the first real conversation between us can't happen without something heavier, especially since the severed tied between us is sitting right outside.

After placing the final clean dish on the drying rack, I dry my hands off on a hand towel, which I find funny that Cal even owns, and stand back against the counter, leaning my hands on top so I have something to do with them. Zach does more or less the same thing, albeit a couple of feet away from me. Not enough to be awkward and force us to raise our voices, but enough that we're both aware of the newness of the state of our relationship.

"Tonight went a lot better than I thought."

He raises a brow. "You thought it'd go bad?"

"Well." I shrug. "I try to be optimistic but after a while, you kind of expect that things can go wrong." It has nothing to do with these people and everything to do with the way my life was uplifted in a matter of days two years ago.

"Fair," he concedes. "Considering nobody had a drink thrown in their face, there's no way it can be worse than the last time we were all in a room together."

"The night's still young, Zach. Don't jinx it."

He smiles at his feet.

Before he can reply, I spit everything out, knowing it'll probably scare him as much as he scared me at the park. While I've spent the time apart healing wounds engraved because of us and because of others, I can't pretend like there hasn't been a lingering guilt over how I left things. It's easy to move on as if nothing ever happened, but it's not true, and our past leaves traces of who we were in everything we do in the future. I know we've both made our mistakes but moving forward only works, truly works, if we give ourselves to make amends for it. It's a little longer than it should have taken, but that's alright, too. We're here now. Letting this moment slip away will be another mistake if we let it.

I've always loved jumping headfirst into the unknown. Appearing through visions of us as kids, learning how to swim for the first time as Alex holds my hand just beyond the waves, I always remember that she's the one that taught me how to do it.

"I never said sorry for what happened with us," I say. His eyes drift up slowly, catching mine and holding still so I know he's listening. Through the years, it's one of the things I've appreciated about him most. He always listens, always makes sure we know he listens, even when we're too stubborn to want him to. "I made a lot of mistakes that I didn't own up to and I apologize for all of it. The way I blamed you for things other people said about us, not being a good partner to you, getting mad at you for what happened with Alex after we broke up while I was still hanging out with Jarrod even though we were still together. It was shitty of me to place so much blame on you for all of it."

Zach shifts on his feet. "A lot of it was my fault. I wasn't honest with you about how my feelings for her changed because I was scared of how it would blow up. And then it all blew up anyway, and I had to watch you both fall apart which is the last thing I wanted. Truly. I think... I think we could have handled the whole thing better. I could have handled my end better."

It's easy for anyone to look at this situation and pick sides or act like any one person was more responsible than the other. Maybe if I spent my entire life trying to run a scoreboard, I can become miserable enough to do it. But it's tiring. So tiring to see how great we all were together and how far we've fallen. I want more for us. I want more for them.

"It went on way longer than it should have, honestly," I laugh, referring to our relationship. "I was just... too afraid to admit I failed at something again. And then I ended up staying attached to something that didn't belong to me anymore."

"Yeah, I get it. I had a hard time letting go of it."

Even though Zach and I were never destined to end up together, I can't ever regret what happened between us. He was there for me at a time I had no sense of self, no understanding of what I wanted out of life. Despite the ways in which I proved that, he stood by me and tried his best to keep the relationship going.

It wasn't all bad. We had a lot of good times together. I've never laughed as much in a relationship as I did with him. I try to remember that more than all of the bad times. For every angry phone call that transpired between us, there were three times as many where we laughed until our stomachs hurt.

And then there's Alex.

Even before they started having feelings toward each other, he was such a great friend to her because he knew how much she means to me. When I think of who I want to see smile the most in the world, it's her. And he's who does that most for her. He sees her for who she is, flaws and all, and loves her unconditionally. Our past aside, I can never truly hate someone that makes my soulmate that happy.

Over the years, I've debated ever asking the question—when did it all start?—but eventually came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. Forgiving myself means forgiving them, and forgiving them means recognizing that matters of the heart are rarely in our control. Knowing them for as long as I have, and knowing what makes them who they are, means that I know they're not bad people. Far from it.

Nor am I, despite my mistakes.

We all love with everything we have. Through all of the tears and smiles and endless combinations of both.

"I know things are still... up in the air between you two, as much as she likes to pretend it's just a friend thing now," I say, "but I think we both know that'll never happen. It's never meant to be that way. And I want you to know, deep down in my heart, that I hope you two find your happiness. That's all I've ever wanted." Against my own accord, my eyes well up, and I see him physically react to the sight of it. Another reason why he's the best guy I've ever known, and why my words ring this true. "I just... love her so much and despite everything that happened between us I love you too. And I want you both to be happy together. I don't want to be the reason she convinces herself she can't love you the way she always will. And I don't want you to burden yourself with mistakes we made in the past. If you've moved on... I get it. But if you have even a tiny sliver of hope that this can happen, please hold onto it. You deserve it. She deserves it."

Zach is at a loss for words, unsure of what to say or do or probably how to feel.

Then, quietly, he says, "You deserve to be happy too, Ems."

I nod, laughing as the tears fall. "I know. I am. Or I'm getting there. She helps a lot with that, being back in my life. But I'll never be truly happy until I know she is too."

Surprising me, though I'm not sure why it should, Zach crosses the distance between us, closing his arms around my shoulders. The muscle memory pulls me around him, too, and the cold I've been staving off warms up between us.

Even though it's been years since we said goodbye as lovers, this feels like our first real moment of closure. The calm we've denied ourselves for so long because we were afraid to confront it. We've never been good at that, moving in subtleties. I hold onto it for a little longer and a little tighter.

Zach kisses the top of my head before letting me go. Before he steps away, I hold his hand in mine, willing him to look at me, which he does.

I glance briefly toward the front door, out of view but still present. "You can do this."

He nods and tightens his grip.

"Love you."

"Love you."