I awoke with his arm draped across my stomach.

He looked so peaceful that I didn't dare move an inch for fear he'd be woken up. So I lay there waiting, remembering last night in hot flashes of light. The second time felt even better, but I'd been left raw and bare, and had knocked out almost immediately after.

Zachariah stirred, muttering something under his breath.

Deciding I felt too stir crazy laying there, I slipped out of bed without disturbing him and walked to the kitchen. With Zachariah's favorite shirt draped over me, I reached into the cupboard to grab a glass. By the time I finished drinking, I had downed the entire thing.

The realization of what we'd done hit me like a freight train and I slid onto the ground, leaning my back against the fridge.

It wasn't that I regretted what happened. I promised him I couldn't feel that way about us, as our relationship was one of the purest I'd experienced in life, but it didn't make things easier.

All of the dishes I had left still sat on the counter, so I knew my roommate hadn't come home last night. Since I hadn't brought anyone over since moving in and she spent most of her time out of the apartment, we'd yet to deal with those kinds of run-ins.

Once I'd talked myself into something besides sitting on the kitchen floor, I worked my way through the mess. While I scrubbed the pot, someone dropped their keys outside in the hall. Figuring it was my roommate trying to get into the apartment, I opened the door for her.

I was greeted by our next-door neighbor trying to balance a few grocery bags in one hand while using the other to open their door. After gracefully declining my offer to help, we bid each other good morning.

Just as I was about to close the front door, a force propelled me forward until Emmie and Jem walked through the door.

I froze.

Not because Zachariah was feet away from us sleeping completely naked, but because tears were running down Emmie's red, splotchy face.

I was fucked.

I waited for the blow. For Emmie to lash out and rip me a new one, call me a bad friend, scream obscenities at me until she was blue in the face. But she opened her mouth and I realized she wasn't sobbing because of Zachariah and me. It was for something far worse, and I wished it'd been for that other reason all along.

Her words came out so strangled I couldn't understand her at first. She'd been crying so much that her breath kept catching, causing her to hiccup after every word.

Jem was a wrecking ball of nerves. Her eyes darted back and forth between the two of us like she wasn't sure what to do. I'm sure she wanted to give Emmie the chance to explain what was going on, but we were about three seconds away from her not being able to say anything at all so I couldn't just wait around.

"Jem?!"

She swallowed and turned to face me, her fingers knotting together. Whatever it was had to be something serious because even Jem was at a loss for words. When she finally explained, my cheeks dampened from the tears.

Emmie stared wide-eyed back at me. I wasn't sure whether or not to wrap her up in a hug or stand right there. She looked like she was about to fall apart at any second.

"I should've told them not to go," she sniffled, rubbing at her nose. "I was right there outside of the restaurant with them. I knew how drunk they were. But I just—"

Jem enveloped Emmie in an embrace. She'd had more time to process what happened since she'd answered her phone when Emmie called her this morning, asking if she could pick her up from the hospital. Emmie's father was still in surgery.

Emmie wanted to be there as soon as they got any updates on her parents' conditions, but she'd been up all night and her grandpa demanded she go home and get some rest. It seemed cruel to demand something like that of a daughter, but I wasn't sure what I'd do if I were in their situation. On one hand, it felt like maybe he was trying to take care of Emmie. On the other hand, it seemed an impossible feat to focus on anything else.

As soon as Jem took Emmie home, she had a panic attack and said she needed to see me. She couldn't stand to be alone in the house waiting; she wanted her two closest friends by her side.

Now, here they were. Standing a few away from the memories of last night that had now settled heavily in my stomach, threatening to hurl out of my body.

Without notice, Emmie lurched forward and wrapped her arms around me, Her entire body shook and I could barely get a good grip on her. For a few minutes, all I could do was stand there, wishing I could take some of her pain away.

And then slowly, she pulled herself back. I watched her eyes travel down to the shirt I was wearing. Something clicked in those blurry eyes, and I knew I had nowhere to hide. Nowhere to pretend like I wasn't sneaking around behind her back. Instead of coming clean on my own terms, I'd been slammed headfirst into a confession I knew would rip us apart.

"Is that—?"

I didn't say anything. I couldn't say anything. I was a complete coward standing in front of her, wanting to run away and hide under the bed until she'd forgotten everything.

Her eyes darted toward my bedroom and before I could catch her, she walked toward it and ripped the door wide open. When she caught sight of Zachariah dozing off in bed, the events of last night were clear.

"Is this happening?" she asked.

I knew better than to answer.

Emmie scrunched up her nose, almost as red as her eyes and the flush of her cheeks. "God, it even smells like sex in here."

"Emmie—" I reached out to grab her hand but she yanked herself out of reach. Disgust was written all over her face. The betrayal. It ate at me—scratching and gnawing until I looked as much of a mess as I felt. "Please, let me explain."

"Explain what?" she scoffed, her intonation lifting with deflection hiding the hurt with laughter. "That you've been fucking my ex-boyfriend behind my back?"

I shook my head. That was too simplified of an explanation for what happened between us, what had happened even just last night. "We can't talk about this. Not right now. Not while you're still hurting over—"

"Alex, please shut the fuck up." Emmie held a finger up and used the other to pinch the bridge of her nose. "I can't believe this. I can't believe this. I can't believe this."

Zachariah, with all of his terrible timing, chose right then to wake up. He rubbed his eyes before realizing we weren't alone and sat up in the bed, which only confirmed he wasn't dressed. Not that we needed the confirmation.

"Shit."

Emmie marched out of the room and I tried my best to follow, leaving Zachariah to scramble for his clothes thrown across my bedroom floor. Quite frankly, I didn't care what he did. The only person that mattered was about to walk right out of my apartment.

"Emmie please," I begged, tears flowing freely. "Please just listen to me. I need you to listen to me."

She whirled around with anger. All of it was directed at me.

"Do you even know how many people warned me this would happen? They said you two were too close and I pushed them all away. I defended you. Not him—you. I told them they were all ridiculous and that you'd never do something like that."

"This happened after you two broke up. I swear."

It was a cop-out. Semantics that, at the end of the day, did little to ease the pain.

"Oh, that makes me feel so much better." She gave me a once over. "It's bad enough that you did this, but the fact that you hid it from me for god knows how long? Don't even deny it. I see the guilt all over your face."

Even if I had a terrible poker face, Emmie saw straight through my heart, so it wasn't like I could hide something like that from her.

"You're hurting right now," I said, but as soon as the words came out, I knew it was a low blow. I was trying to redirect her anger somewhere else even though she had every right to place it all on me.

"Don't." She stepped forward, pressing her finger into my chest and forcing me back. If it weren't for Zachariah holding me, she'd have kept going until I hit a wall. "Don't place the blame on anything else right now or tell me why I feel how I feel. None of what's happening takes away from what you did." Emmie looked up, sharing her pain with the man behind me. "And you. You knew what people were saying. How could you do this to me?"

I wasn't sure if not saying anything was better or worse, or if it didn't matter because Emmie was on a warpath and we were the unlucky foes on the receiving end of her attack.

"You couldn't help it, could you?" Emmie turned to me. "Like mother, like daughter."

This confused him. One of the few things we hadn't talked about was coming to the surface in a way I didn't want it to. When he pushed for her to explain what she meant, she didn't hold back.

"Your mother runs away with her best friend's husband and leaves your father with their two children. You see firsthand what that did to him and you still went behind my back?" Emmie paced, bringing my attention back to Jem who stood innocently on the side, even more unstable than she was when they first showed up. "You know, I almost could've tried to accept this if you just came forward and told me yourself. Just owned up to it."

"I tried to," I cried. "I did. I planned to last night and—"

"And you went and fucked him instead!" Emmie laughed, throwing her hands in the air. "How nice for you. My parents are in the hospital and might not make it out alive but at least you got laid!"

I gritted my teeth, trying not to feed the flames. "That's not fair. That had nothing to do with me."

"Do you think I fucking care?" she cried. "Do you think any of this makes me feel better? The first thing I said when Jem took me home was that I wanted to see you. That seeing you would make this as bearable as possible. That my best friend always knows how to comfort me. And look how fucking wrong I was."

"For someone who spent her entire relationship hung up on her ex-boyfriend, you sure seem to care a lot about what or who Zach's doing," I volleyed back without thinking. "How many times did I cover for you when you went to hang out with him? How many times did you cry to me about how torn you were between them? I didn't judge you for any of it."

She went silent. I didn't feel good about any of this.

The two of us stood at a crossroads, not sure of where to go from here. My instinct was to beg for her forgiveness, but I knew it would only prove useless. Emmie didn't just love with her whole heart, she hurt with it, too. She wasn't ready to listen to me and the truth was, I wasn't sure if I even deserved it. I had so many chances to be honest with her after promising we'd never keep secrets from each other, and this is how I kept up my end of the deal. I was a terrible person and a terrible friend, and now we all knew the truth.

When she spoke again, her words were calm but firm; the resolve of a woman doing her best to appear strong.

"Do you even realize what this is about?" She paused. "You lied. You promised we'd be honest to each other and then you lied. You broke the trust you helped build."

"Why couldn't you just tell her?" Jem moaned. "I told you this would be worse if you didn't just tell her the truth yourself."

Emmie shot her a look. "Wait, you knew?"

Jem realized her mistake.

"It wasn't her fault," I interjected, stepping between the two of them. "She just found out and I asked her not to tell you."

The second part of that statement hit a nerve as those plans hadn't come to fruition, but she latched on to what I'd said first. Emmie was taking no prisoners.

"You knew and didn't tell me? Is that what we're all doing now? Keeping shit from Emmie because who gives a fuck about friendship, right?"

Jem looked like she wanted to crumble into a million pieces. "I'm sorry, Emmie. I tried to do the right thing and tell her she needed to be honest with you."

"The right thing," Emmie snarled, "would've been to tell me when you found out."

"Who's shifting blame now?" I scoffed. "Jem's not at fault here. She had nothing to do with it. If there's anyone you should be mad at, it's me."

"Thank you, captain obvious, but I'm quite aware of who I can be mad at and it is you. I don't need your blessing."

Zachariah stepped forward. "Em, stop going after them. You're right. We fucked up but don't say things you can't take back."

"You." She leveled a glare at him, stepping back with each step he took toward her until he finally halted right next to me. "You don't get to come in here and steal my best friend away from me and then act like you're some nice guy trying to save the day."

"Nobody stole anyone from anyone," he countered. "She's still your best friend. She always will be."

Emmie shook her head. "No. No, she's not. Not anymore."

The rejection tore a hole right through my heart.

"Out of all days to find this out." Emmie shook her head in disbelief, walking backward out of the apartment to make sure nobody followed her. "I'm done. I'm so done."

Once the door slammed shut behind her, the three of us stood wondering what the fuck we were supposed to do next. I wasn't sure there was anything we could do. All I knew was that the oldest friend I'd ever known walked out of the door and took my heart with her.

It hurt. It fucking hurt, especially because I had no one to blame but myself.

"Is she really mad at me too?" Jem asked so innocently I wanted to cave in, but I was too stunned by what happened to react.

"I think she's mad at the whole world right now, Jem," Zachariah answered for me. "She needs time to process everything."

"Alex, I told you not to do this." Jem looked at me, the heartbreak written all over her face. I'm sure it mirrored mine. "You knew this would happen."

"I got it, Jem. I fucked up."

"And now she's mad at me too," she cried into her hand. "Shit. Shit, shit, shit."

I twirled around. "We get it. She's mad at you too. We all heard it. Can you stop fucking making it about you?"

Zachariah placed a hand on my shoulder but I shook it off. What once brought heat now felt ice cold. I couldn't put enough space between the two of us.

"Don't speak to me like that," she said furiously. "I kept your secret. I tried to be a good friend to both of you and look where that's getting me."

I slapped my hands in the air. "And what do you want me to do about it? You made your own choices and she's not ready to hear from any of us. I'm not going to sit here and hold your hand through this. She'll get over it. Having her mad at you for a few days isn't going to be the end of the world."

"Stop," Zachariah ordered.

I stepped away from him. "You know what? Emmie's right. I can't do this."

The two of them looked at each other. "Are you serious? You're just going to—what, shut yourself off?"

"That's exactly what I'm going to do." I looked at both of them and then pointed at the door. "Get out. Now."

"Alex," Zachariah started to say, but Jem was already storming out of the apartment.

The only thing I could think as I watched her was good, one less friend for me to hurt again.

Zachariah stuck around. I wasn't foolish enough to believe he'd give up like that, but I'd held some inkling of hope he'd recognize this was different.

"I'm not leaving," he insisted.

"Yes, you are." I pointed at the door again. "I can't think. I don't want to think. I want you to leave."

He stood still.

I pushed on his chest, trying to force him out of the apartment. When I looked at him, I didn't see the guy I'd found myself head over heels for. All I saw was the reason I'd lost my best friend.

"Emmie has been the only constant in my life for the past twenty years," I told him. "And I threw it away. For what? For some guy I've only known for two years?"

His jaw clenched. "Stop belittling us."

"Why not?" I asked. "We're a mess. We'll never work. We were set up for disaster and I'm stupid for not seeing it before."

"Alexandra—"

"Just get the fuck out of my apartment!" I screamed. "Is that too much to ask? I. Don't. Want. To. See. You."

I could see in his eyes that the last thing he wanted to do was leave. He was fighting every fiber in his body telling him to stay, to make me see I was just pushing people away because it was easier than facing my problems head-on.

But he knew there was no room in my heart. Our stance was a complete one-eighty from last night, and this feeling of serenity from when I'd woken up shifted to convulsion.

I wasn't sure how long I'd stood alone in the living room after he left. At some point, Kylie showed up and stopped by the front door, looking at my messy state.

"Uh," she stuttered, "Is everything okay?"