"Hey," I said before sliding into the bench across from her at the corner booth.

Jem liked comfort. She liked knowing her enemies and being prepared to face them head-on. Her brain, heart, and soul were hardwired to seek peace and unity, which is why she strived to do great, selfless things. Never for herself, always for other people.

At first, the text hadn't concerned me. Jem could burst into a room and start ranting about something she felt passionate about. I'd expected the talk to be one of those things. Maybe it was me being foolish and high off of Zachariah's stolen kisses.

As soon as I drove to the cafe at which she requested we meet, I knew I'd been obtuse. Seeing her face staring back at me confirmed those suspicions. In front of her sat a half-eaten bagel and coffee that had gone room temperature. If Jem wasn't eating or caffeinating, something was bad.

"Did you order me one?" I joked, attempting to lighten the mood.

She wasn't having it. Instead, she pushed her plate to the side, along with the cup, and crossed her hands in front of herself on the table. If it wasn't obvious I was about to be lectured, I would have laughed. Jem presented like a principal getting ready to scold a student for talking back to their teacher, or a parent about to discipline their child.

"Do you remember coming over to Baachan's house back in high school? She'd just got that new massage chair and was so excited to show it to everyone."

It'd been the first time I'd gone over to see Jem's family. They'd welcomed me with open arms, her grandmother boasting about how she swore she saw me on the cover of a magazine before. I'd blushed while explaining that someone like me could never, but she insisted and vowed to obtain a copy one day.

"She couldn't pronounce my name so she called me A," I reminisced, remembering the white leather massage chair that tickled, sending me into a fit of giggles.

"She lived right along the beach, you remember?"

I did remember now that she mentioned it. The beachfront property her grandmother owned became one of my favorite places to spend time that summer. I remembered going over after school with her, Baachan making spam musubis while we swam until the sun had nearly set, forcing my dad to drive over to pick me up after. He always complained I got his seats wet and sand all over the carpet of his car. But every complaint was paired with an almost cresting smile, informing me that he secretly enjoyed seeing me spend so much time at the beach. I remembered accidentally falling asleep with Jem and Emmie out there one night and waking up to her grandmother scolding us that someone could have snatched us away. I remembered loving that beach even when we stopped going over as much because her grandmother could no longer remember her granddaughter half the time, and me all of the time. I still snuck away to it every once in a while, thankful that it maintained its serenity. Most people didn't go to that part of the beach, but it was one of my favorites, with only the beach by Zachariah's parents' house being a close second.

I remembered going to that beach just the other day with Zachariah, where I claimed we couldn't be anything but friends, and then proceeded to go back on that seconds later. And I remembered seeing a few fading, blurry figures on the shoreline, walking closer and then further away at some point, but not being able to decipher their faces.

"You saw us," I remarked not as a question but as a statement.

"I wasn't sure if I should say anything but I realized I couldn't just pretend like I didn't see what I saw."

Part of me, the weak part of me, wished she had ignored it. Went on pretending like the two people intertwined with each other in the water were two strangers on the beach. Maybe they were tourists that had stumbled upon that small stretch of beach out of pure luck.

But that would have been asking too much. The memory would sit in her stomach like food gone bad, and the guilt would build up every time she saw Emmie.

I wouldn't want her to have to live with that. Even though this outcome left her sitting somewhere in the middle, at least her conscience wouldn't pay the price.

"It hasn't been going on for a long time," I went straight into defense mode, autopilot locked into place. "We were at a party a few weeks ago and things just happened."

Jem nodded slowly as if working out whether or not she believed any of this.

For some reason, her surprise confused me. If what other people said bore any truth, Zachariah and I weren't an anomaly but an inevitable outcome. Then again, maybe it wasn't that it happened that baffled Jem, but rather that she didn't expect us to commit to arriving at this destination.

"A party?" she clarified. "You mean Kat's birthday?"

Her line of questioning was clear. "Yes."

"So Kat knows too then? No way it happened at her party and she doesn't know."

This time I looked down at the table. A dark coffee ring stain glared back at me.

"Yes."

She sighed. The parental tone, if even possible for a mere sigh, rocked me to my core.

Jem was disappointed. And Jem was a friend nobody wanted to disappoint. Not because she wouldn't forgive us for our faults—no other friend forgave as quickly as she did, even when I didn't deserve it—but because it took a lot for her to lose faith in someone. She believed most people in life had the best intentions. Her friends were held to a gold standard.

"Nothing good can come from this, you know that," she addressed, also without question.

I knew that. Of course, I knew that. But that didn't stop me from throwing my phone back down on my bed every time I tried to call her to admit what happened between us.

"I keep telling myself I should be able to tell her everything but I just....can't get myself to pick up the phone."

Jem looked at me with kind, sympathetic eyes.

"Lex, they were together for a long time. It's gonna hurt no matter what. But the longer you hold onto this, the more pain it'll cause."

"What do I even say?" I asked, throwing my hands up in frustration. "Hey Ems, you wanna watch a movie? Oh, and by the way, I've made out with your ex-boyfriend and I've been keeping it a secret 'cause I'm too chicken shit to tell you about it in case you'll be super mad at me?"

"Well—"

The table made a hard thunk when I threw my head down on it. The waitress came over to ask if I was okay but Jem reassured her we were working through something, muttering that a strong cup of coffee was appreciated as the employee walked away.

I wasn't sure even a cup of coffee would help with my dilemma.

"I should have told her the morning after the party," my voice came out muffled. "I should have called her as soon as I woke up or went over to see her. What kind of slut goes behind their best friend's back and hooks up with her ex-boyfriend?"

Jem's hand immediately shot out, forcing me to look at her. Her face was etched in hard lines and a demanding presence, not allowing me to look anywhere else but at her.

"No matter what anyone tells you, this doesn't make you a slut," she said, firm in her resolve.

I opened my mouth to respond but she barreled forward without giving me the chance to interrupt.

"I can't say that finding out this way makes me happy, but I understand the difficulty you must feel like you're in. I know you, Alex. I know your heart is pure and bright and you would never set out to hurt anybody on purpose. Whatever is happening between you and Zach is the result of two people falling for each other, and as much as I'm sure you wish the circumstances surrounding how you two met were different, you can't beat yourself up about this. You are not a slut. You're a woman with a heart that can't help but feel. Don't let anyone, not even yourself, convince you otherwise."

I laid my hand over hers. "I don't know what to do, Jem."

"I think you'll figure it out. But you should decide soon. It's the right thing to do."

"I can't do what my mom did. I just can't."

Something flashed across her eyes at the mention of my mom. Rarely did I bring her up anymore, but as soon as I'd said it, I knew the understanding of what everything meant to me truly resonated.

"Then don't." She shook her head. "Do what your mom couldn't do and face things head-on. Don't run away from something because of the fear of what you could lose."