"From a proud member of the itty-bitty-titty-committee, I'd like to offer my full support to show off the girls tonight. If you got 'em, flaunt 'em."

"That's not the kind of support I'd need with that sad excuse of a dress," I deadpanned and placed the slinky item back on the rack.

Emmie circled, trying to find something else suitable for my plans. A new outfit wasn't necessary for dinner with Calum, but giving myself an excuse to go shopping didn't require a lot of convincing, and my friend was all too willing to come along with me. Katerina would have been good company as well but she had plans with Romi.

"Where are you guys going?" she inquired, dragging her finger along the colorful fabrics.

"Bravo's," I answered. "That restaurant right below Anna Miller's outside of Pearlridge."

She looked up thoughtfully. "Random."

I eyed a crushed velvet top. "Their garlic balls are a dream though."

"The best balls."

After another five minutes of failure, I gave up and dragged Emmie out of the store. Ala Moana had the best selection of stores, but a lot of their merchandise was geared toward tourists, so it could be hit or miss. Today's attempts were an unfortunate bust, so I made the most of our trip here by forcing her to come with me to the best place in the entire mall—Cookie Corner.

Emmie watched with amusement as I grinned at the employee handing me a bag of warm chocolate chip cookies. "You're going to spoil yourself for dinner."

"What are you talking about?" I grumbled as I reached into the plastic and tore off a piece of cookie. "That's in four hours."

Emmie hooked her arm in mine while we walked through the crowd—her eyes scanning and people watching, mine focused on the gold in my hands.

"I forgot to ask you at Jem's house but how's your dad doing?"

When I arrived home after spending the weekend at Jem's house, I wasn't sure what I was going to be walking into. Dad had days that were good and some that were not-so-good, and when it came to the latter, it was a shot in the dark as to what the aftermath would look like. Our house either became complete carnage or eerily calm. After spending my entire life surrounded by that kind of uncertainty, I couldn't definitively say what was worse.

This last time was the latter. I had arrived to see my brother sitting alone at the dining table with the door to our dad's bedroom closed.

For a second, I imagined him peacefully sleeping. This was likely a far cry from the truth.

I'd dropped my bags on the floor and dragged my feet until my arms wrapped around Anthony's shoulders. We weren't the type that practiced physical displays of affection, but sometimes there were no words for how thankful I was that Anthony protected me. It wasn't fair he carried the burden all by himself.

"It comes and goes in waves," I admitted solemnly.

Suddenly the crowd turned into a blur as I blocked everyone out. White noise surrounded me like a fog of static in the middle of the walkway. The only sign that I wasn't alone was Emmie's hand pressing gently against my arm as our arms swung side by side.

"Some days are really good. Other days I feel like we've completely lost him."

Emmie had this great way of making me feel like everything would be okay, even when I wasn't sure if it would. With a touch that made me feel like I was being cradled in a light of love, she was bright and comforting, and it somehow made this sensation of drowning above water a little easier.

Even amidst a cloud of chaos, she somehow reined me in. Maybe it was because she was made of chaos herself.

"When is he going to move on?" I asked though I wasn't sure to whom I was directing the question. "Doesn't he see how much it's ruining him? She's never coming back. And even if she wanted to, I don't want her back."

"We can't control how long it takes us to move on from something."

I looked down at the cookie crumbles in my hands. "I just want him back before the pieces are too small to put back together."

She pressed a kiss down on my leather jacket-covered shoulder. "I know you do. Just be there for him. Encourage him. It'll get better."

"What if he doesn't? It's been how many years. You'd think by now there'd be some sort of progress but every step forward comes with three giant leaps back."

Emmie pulled me aside into a hallway, away from prying eyes. My back was pressed against the wall as she rested a hand on either shoulder, anchoring me in place.

"Listen to me," she ordered. "I know you could teach a class on Pessimism 101 but you gotta have hope. Because, like it or not, your dad doesn't have much of it himself so you and Anthony are going to be the reasons he gets better. As much as we would love for him to dig himself out of the trenches, he needs you."

I rested my forehead against her shoulder. "I know. It's just so hard to see the light."

"Then don't look for the light. Just feel around for him in the dark so you can both emerge from it together." She paused. "Plus, going toward the light is kind of morbid, isn't it? More like succumbing to death."

The laugh bubbled out of me until it gave way to a smile on Emmie's face.

...

Calum held my chair out for me. The restaurant was lively for a weeknight, but I didn't mind. I'd spent most of the week busy with work so being in the company of people that were enjoying themselves felt nice.

"You've been here before, right?"

As I flipped the menu over, I responded, "You have not experienced life if you haven't had garlic balls from Bravo's."

Calum laughed while the waiter placed two glasses of water in front of us, along with a basket of garlic balls. They were nothing if not efficient. "That's my girl."

"I used to come down here a lot with my family," I continued. "We'd go to Pearls to see a movie and then come here for dinner."

Calum nodded thoughtfully as he crumpled a straw wrapper between his fingers. His nails were jagged like he had a bad habit of biting them, not unlike mine. "When did you stop?"

I looked up at the bright lights above us. "Probably around the time my brother stopped thinking we were cool enough to hang out with. Which was also around the time my mom left."

Calum laughed, lifting his water in the air. Our glasses clinked together. "Cheers to us coming out normal even when one of our parents leaves."

"Normal is debatable. But cheers."

I found it amusing how people regularly shit on celebrities for always getting divorced and having multiple marriages. I could count on one hand how many of my close friends had parents that were still together. They never taught us growing up how normal it was to see people separate after making lifelong commitments, because how the hell were we supposed to guarantee something to last the rest of our lives? As if we weren't human? It sucked because when it happened, we were left thinking we somehow contributed to the ruination of something sacred. I found solace in people like Calum who could make light of it. Or people like Katerina, who shared our Mother's day tradition of playing laser tag because we weren't about to let a Hallmark Holiday ruin our day.

"What school did you go to?" Calum asked after we'd given the waiter our orders.

"Kaiser."

He narrowed his eyes in confusion. "Don't you live in Mililani? Why so far?"

"It's my dad's alma mater. And it's an IB school so—" I shrugged.

"So is Campbell ."

"We don't mention Campbell around my dad. He had beef with someone from there and holds a grudge like no other."

Calum laughed again and it warmed me up like a glass of whiskey. "Fair enough. So if you were IB you must be pretty smart."

I flicked the balled-up straw wrapper at him and he caught it effortlessly. "What exactly qualifies as smart nowadays?"

"I think being part of IB is not bad."

"Mhmm." I brushed my hair over one shoulder. Judging intelligence always seemed so trivial and silly to me. I'd gotten good grades in school but I wouldn't place myself above or below anyone else because of it. "Kind of feels like when you were in elementary school and your teachers would tell you how smart you were. But when you got to high school you realized you're completely average. It's a label that only offers us a false sense of importance."

A momentary lapse in conversation occurred as a child sitting at the table next to us with his family dropped his toy on the ground, and Calum leaned over to grab it for him. I don't know why but I found that endearing.

"I'd say I get it, but I was never told I was smart at school," he laughed once he straightened back up.

I smiled at him. "We ended up with the same type of jobs. So I guess it didn't do much for me."

"How has my boy been?" he asked without clarifying since we knew who he was talking about. . "Haven't seen him in a while."

"He said you were looking forward to tonight." They had to have at least talked recently if Zachariah told me that.

Calum rolled his eyes, laughing. "Well, yeah, we text but we don't hang out that much. Maybe every few weeks if we're lucky." As he'd pointed out at the graduation party. It was nice to see that they still kept in touch in their own ways.

"You both went to Kaimuki, right?" I asked, and he nodded. "The only boys I've met from Kaimuki are trouble."

His eyes gleamed with amusement. "Boys?"

"Yes," I teased. "Boys."

"What did Zach get himself into now?"

"A relationship."

Calum winced. Clearly, he understood the precarious state we'd found ourselves in with those two. Although, it gave me a weird sense of comfort knowing that Emmie wasn't the only one to worry about here. If Calum was concerned, it meant Zachariah had his own faults. "Trouble in paradise?"

"I guess we'll see how it goes. Between me and you?" I paused. "They lead a little far with their hearts. We have a rollercoaster ride ahead of us."

"If I didn't know any better, I might say you seem a little jaded."

"Me? Jaded?" I gasped. "What gave you that impression?"

Calum lowered his voice. "Just a tip, Alex, it's not hard to lead with your heart. Sometimes you get the greatest experiences of your life because of it."

I leaned back in my seat, away from his teasing grin. "Or the heaviest heartbreaks." He made me curious. "You don't seem like the romantic type."

He shook his head. "Leading with your heart doesn't necessarily mean romantic." Calum paused. "When was the last time you let yourself feel?"

"I'm not an emotionless robot if that's what you're implying," I grumbled as I crossed my arms. "I think I'm more realistic. I don't fool myself into thinking I'm relationship material so I don't jump into them."

He laughed and leaned back in his seat, mirroring my posture. "You're a textbook example of someone that lets her parents' relationship affect her outlook on life." Before I could defend myself—with what I wasn't sure because there was truth to his words—he continued. "I don't blame you. When that's the number one example you see, it's hard not to view it any other way. But at least be honest with yourself."

"What about you? How did your parents' separation affect your view of the world?"

"I don't do relationships either." I raised a brow at him. "But at least I'm honest about why."

I scoffed. "If you say so."

...

"Fuck."

There were three important factors about car sex.

It's hot, and not the kind of hot that's hot.

If anyone thought rubbing against the sheets messed up their hair, it was nothing compared to the sweat you built up in those close quarters. The kind of hot that made you question whether or not you had been better off just waiting until you got back to a house or somewhere with better air circulation.

It's cramped.

No matter which way you spin it, one of you will always have some body part stuck in an awkward and painful angle. Even being on top risks hitting their head, depending on the type of car they're in. I know this from personal experience.

Most importantly—from now on, whenever a family member sat in whichever seat was used to get the deed done, you would always remember being defiled on it. Nothing like seeing a family member sit on a spot you once got fucked to ruin a car ride.

My forehead rested against Calum's shoulder as I let the high from my orgasm roll over my entire body. Small gasps of air rushed out of me as I tried to catch my breath.

Calum was an undeniably attractive man, and he proved to have impressive stamina that had me shuttering as I wrapped my arms around his neck when the orgasm shot through me.

But he wasn't looking for anything. I was fooling myself into thinking I was the same way, except he'd probably tell me I was afraid of making the effort for fear of not getting what I wanted in return.

Either way, we indulged ourselves in each other.

Calum threw the condom into an old fast food bag and I made a mental note to throw it away as soon as I drove home.

"Was that a one-time thing?" he asked once he managed to catch his breath, looking lazily over at me in the faint yellow light coming through the window. "I'd hate to think we can't be friends after this."

I leaned my face against the headrest and closed my eyes. "We can be friends that do this every once in a while."

Even with my eyes closed, I felt him watching, observing, trying to figure me out. But I didn't know who I was most of the time, so his search was doomed.

"Are you going to resent me later for helping your self-destructive behavior?"

I opened my eyes to see him still looking at me and flicked his nose. "Don't assume the worst of me. You wouldn't be the first casual fling I've had. And a woman enjoying sex isn't self-destructive."

He grabbed my hand before I flicked his shoulder again. I knew he wasn't judging me but it was easier to joke around than accept that he clocked what type of person I was only after one dinner.

"You'd tell me if it changes, right?"

"You mean if I grow feelings for you?"

Calum shook his head. "No, I mean if it turned into something destructive. This won't be healthy if you start using me to forget about someone else."

"And who do you think I'll be trying to use you to forget?"

He started buttoning up his pants again. "Just wanna cover my bases."

Not everybody could handle a friends-with-benefits relationship. More often than not, feelings became involved at some point, and if one of us did use the other as a means to get over someone else, it usually ended up with two broken hearts. While I entertained these kinds of casual relationships more than committed ones, I was thorough with my vetting process, and Calum proved to be someone I wouldn't have to worry about. Since I couldn't remember the last time I had genuine feelings for someone else, Calum was in good hands too.

I pulled his face back to mine and pressed my lips a breath away from his. He leaned back in his seat, a little more relaxed. Whatever he saw between the lines of my answer, he was satisfied with it.

"Friends first, fuck buddies second. Okay?"

He rubbed my knee with his hand. "Okay, but what happens when I kick your ass in Super Smash Bros? Are we still fucking then?"

I shoved him away with a laugh. "In your dreams."