The world is built on two words: "What if?" What if me and Luca had stayed friends? What if I hadn't met Rainn? What if my life had turned out the way that I'd always envisioned? What if? What if? What if?

Life is filled with what ifs and if you let yourself get sucked into the pity fest, you'll start to question everything. I've lost countless hours that I'll never get back, by just going through all my What ifs, and it has never helped. I end up getting angry or sad and then not only would I have lost hours, I'd have also gained a crappy mood-let to add to my day.

But, one particular series of "what ifs?" haunts me. What if me and Luca had stayed friends? What if I'd fought for our friendship? What if I hadn't let it bring me down and alter my entire demeanor from then onwards? And what if I let him in again?

I think about the last what if while I watch him load our suitcases into the back of his Jeep and when he smiles at me and asks if I'm ready, I'm not so sure that I want to.

The drive to school is quiet. The radio hums softly the entire way and I just enjoy the peacefulness of it all. Unlike most kids my age, I'm a bonafide morning person and so is Luca.

Back when we were still best friends, we'd both be up at the crack of dawn during the summers every single day, because I'd convinced Luca that we'd have much longer days and twice the fun if we got started early and we'd never been disappointed.

Luca doesn't try to talk to me and I'm happy for the reprieve. It's bad enough being in a confined space with each other and I eagerly await our stop.

When we get to school, I look at all the miserable faces of my classmates and inwardly smile. At least with everyone else being groggy, the five-hour bus ride should be silent for the first hour.

I collect my suitcase from Luca and thank him before making my way over to my assigned bus to get it put away. I spot Rainn as soon as I get there, and I offer her a smile.

Her face lights up and she comes over to hug me. "I was so scared that you would've ignored me," she says with a nervous laugh.

"I wanted to, but since you are my seat buddy, it would've made for an awkward journey." Her face falls and I tilt my head to the side. "Let me guess, you're sitting with Jace instead."

"I'm sorry. I thought that you were mad at me and I didn't want to have to deal with that the entire time, so I switched." She bites her bottom lip while waiting for me to blow up on her.

I laugh in disbelief, but really, I wasn't even all that surprised. "Okay," I say and join the line to stow my luggage. A lump forms in my throat and it physically hurts to keep my tears at bay. I'm not huge on crying, so I'm scared that I won't be able to get my emotions under wraps. I'm mad at myself for getting my hopes up and when I'm mad at myself, my emotions are unpredictable.

I take a window seat at the back of the bus and hug my backpack to my chest. My backpack that's filled with mine and Rainn's favorite snacks. I get mad all over again, because how dare she ditch me for her stupid boyfriend in the middle of our fight?

"Hey."

I look up and find Luca standing there. "Sup?"

"I know you'll hate this, but Rainn asked me to switch places. I can get someone else to switch with me if you'd like, just let me know who." He looks genuine, like he's honestly sorry for the intrusion and my heart softens a bit.

I look over at Neera who's sitting with Vashti and then at Quinn who's laughing with Andy besides her and realize that all my friends would have already selected another of their friends to sit with, and I couldn't force Luca on them like that. And also, because I don't think that I mind that much anymore. "It's fine," I tell him. "You can stay."

"Our friends suck, huh?" He asks as the other seats quickly fill up.

"They're the worst." And I mean it. I scowl in Rainn's direction. She's not even looking our way, she's too busy sucking Jace's face off.

"Don't be too hard on her," Luca says, his eyes following mine. "New relationships are always time consuming."

"It's been three months, Luca, that phase should've been dead by now."

"It takes longer for some people. Especially if it's the first good relationship they've had in a long time."

I scoff and look out the window. "Whatever."

Maybe that was Jace's excuse, but Rainn was the cause of all her previous relationships failing. She's a self-saboteur at its finest.

I close my eyes and sleep and when I awake, I'm horrified to find my head resting on Luca's shoulder. He's also fast asleep and using my head as a rest for his. Instead of moving away, I simply close my eyes again and wait for him to wake.

It takes another hour before Luca stirs and I've spent all that time listening to him breathe. Feeling like a weirdo, I clear my throat and move away when he lifts his head off mine.

"Sorry," he mumbles sleepily.

I smile at him. "It's okay, but next time, try not to drool so much."

He stares at me and something feels different about it. It's not a there's something on your face kind of stare, it's a full blown I really like looking at you kind of stare, and it freaks me out, so I look away.

I shouldn't have been talking to him. I knew that it was going to get me in trouble and if the way he's staring at me is anything to go on, I'm already in big trouble.

There was a reason that I was a wreck when he'd ended our friendship and it wasn't only because I was going to miss him. It was because I was crushing, hard, on Luca Donahue and losing his friendship had meant that there was no way that we would ever have been more than just best friends. And it meant that we were now enemies.

I needed to hate him to get over him and now he was staring at me like I was more to him, somehow. It wasn't fair. I'll have to go back to ignoring him, for my sake and his.

"Are you totally psyched for this?" he asks, and I shrug. I refuse to even look at him. "I am. It feels good to be away from everything going on at home. I feel like I can breathe again."

I want to ask him what he means by that. It didn't seem like there was anything out of the ordinary happening in the Donahue household, but Luca's saying differently. I bite my tongue and continue staring straight ahead. I have no idea whose head I'm even staring at, but it's a nice head and a good distraction.

"Can you talk to me for like two minutes? I know that it's the last thing that you want to do—"

"It is." I feel bad instantly, but if I take it back then he'll never shut up and I'll forget that this is the boy that broke my heart and I'll start to enjoy his company, but it won't have a happy ending, and I'll be heartbroken again.

We don't speak again until the bus grinds to a halt and students start getting up from their seats. "We should probably wait until everyone else gets off to avoid the commotion," he tells me, gesturing to two girls yelling at each other because one cut in front of the other.

I nod and look over at Rainn who's also staying put. She sees me staring and offers me a smile which I don't return. Being around Luca was opening old wounds of not feeling good enough and Rainn's dismissal of my hurt leaves me feeling raw.

By the time we get off the bus and find our luggage, it's a little after noon and I'm starving. I find Rainn because we're supposed to be sharing a room and I can already feel it in the pit of my stomach that she's going to ditch me again.

"I'm sorry," she says when she sees me approaching. "I've already asked Luca to switch places with me. You can be mad if you want, but I'm rooming with Jace."

I nod and turn away from her. If I keep looking at her with her sad eyes that are pleading for understanding, I'll start crying and that'll be totally embarrassing. Imagine crying because you're losing your best friend, only said best friend, doesn't even care.

"Stuck with me again, huh?" Luca asks with a smile when he finds me.

I'm sitting next to an extravagant fountain in the lobby, watching as everyone else grabs their friends and feeling sorry for myself. "Sorry," I say with a sniffle.

He takes a seat beside me. "Could be worse, you know." He says it with a smile and I reluctantly smile back. "I'll go check us in and then I'll take our stuff up. Alright?"

It takes Luca almost half an hour to get through the check in process and then we're in our room.

"Everyone's meeting in the lobby in an hour," Luca informs me. "Apparently we're having lunch as a group or something."

"Sounds headache inducing." I don't look at him as I pass by on my way to the bathroom, pausing to grab a change of clothing and my bath essentials. "I think I'll skip this one."

"B," he calls as I'm about to close the door and something in the way he says that single letter, makes me hesitate.

"What?" This time I face him. I don't quite know what's happening between us. It's hot and cold. One minute we're on friendly terms and the next I wanted to retreat and leave him in the dark.

"Can I skip with you?" It's a loaded question and I'm not sure it's a good idea.

"Why?"

He shrugs and puts his right hand in his jeans pocket. "Not that hungry."

I sigh and look him in the face. This was definitely a bad idea. "I'm tired," I lie. "I'll probably just take a nap. Stay if you want though, I don't care." I throw that last line in and step into the bathroom, closing the door on his reply.

I stand in the shower, letting the warm water roll off my back. I don't even need a shower. It's just a weird and costly habit, according to my parents. Whenever I'm stressed, I bathe. It's the dumbest thing ever and no one outside of my immediate family and Luca knows. Although, I doubt that Luca remembers such a small detail about me, like I do everything about him.

It's so unfair that I'm walking around with so much left over information from our friendship. I still know that his favorite color is midnight blue and that he was the only kid on the block that actually loved to eat his vegetables and would secretly eat all of mine whenever we had combined family dinners. I still carry around the knowledge that he's afraid of the rain and that as he'd gotten older his fear hadn't subsided, but rather, multiplied. I also know that the only way to calm him down during a thunderstorm is to get him talking about his obsession with French films, most of which he watches without the help of subtitles and ends up having to guess the plot.

I mentally close the file that contains all of the things that I know about Luca and lock it away in a cabinet in a far corner of my mind. I didn't think about him often as the result was always a lingering sadness that I couldn't get rid of.

I step out of the shower and towel off. My hands shake as I get dressed and I hate Luca Donahue all over again for everything that he's cost me.

Thinking about all that we'd lost always left me feeling bereft and angry and when I step out the bathroom and find him waiting, I can't help but glare at his stupid face.

"I'm not going to give up on us," he says in response to the way I'm glaring at him.

"There's no us, Luca. There's you and then there's me." I fold my used clothes and tuck them into the front pocket of my suitcase. If I kept my habit up, I'd have to do laundry before the trip was over.

He sighs and after a silent minute, leaves the room.

I sit on the bed closest to the bathroom and seethe. I'm mad at Luca and I'm hurting about my fight with Rainn and pissed at her because I want to talk about this Luca mess and can't.

Ten minutes later, my phone buzzes with a text from Jace and I groan. His name didn't pop up, but the poop emoji did, because that's how I see him. I know that's it's not fair and that he's probably a great guy when he's not permanently attached to my best friend, but I can't resist hating the guy. It may also have something to do with Luca, but I don't want to think about that.

•Skipping lunch?

I think about not replying, but I'll have to see him at some point and it'll be even more awkward.

•Ya. I reply after a minute.

His response comes within seconds. •Ordered a pizza, want a bite?

My stomach grumbles and I curse at it. In my anger, I'd forgotten that I was hungry and now with the knowledge of pizza being nearby, I'll never get any rest.

Jace sends me their room number and not surprisingly, we're on the same floor. It takes me all of two minutes to get there and I hesitate when I think about facing Rainn.

The door opens and Luca's standing there. I cringe at the way his face lights up when he realizes that it's me, and slink past him.