So first of all: This book is definitely not meant to discourage any authors or make them feel bad about what they release to the entire world. But it will. I myself created a lot of shitty fanfictions and you can feel absolutely free to drag them through the dirt too, because guess what: I deserve it. This book is just meant for your entertainment and I gotta say: all fanfictions that I'll present to you in this book brought me a lot of joy while reading them. Maybe not in the way the author intended to but well...

Buckle your belts, shit is about to go down!

-xoxo Sidney

"Da Club" –a Lil Xan Fanfiction

Okay. I haven't started reading the story and the title is already giving me a massive headache.

First of all: Lil Xan is a 22 year old rapper with face tattoos that is always so high that he can't bring out a straight sentence. Chill dude tho. No hate. I just don't know how I found this ff in the first place.

"BIIIITCHH, WHERE ARE YOU?!" My friend y/f/n yelled as she entered my small apartment. "Alive and doing well, why?" I ask back. I can tell she rolled her eyes. Y/f/n come in my room with a smirk.

First of all: does she have a key to your apartment or why can she just enter it like that. And I personally prefer it to not get yelled at by my friends as a greeting. I gotta hold myself back to comment on the 'come' part but let's be honest: a small typo can happen to anyone. Can it?

"Sooooooo..." She starts. "Hell no." I say before she finish."

I begin to think that this ain't a typo anymore. Or is that some kind of hood language my German ass can't understand? Well, you could at least let your friend finish her sentence. You both seem to be pretty rude.

Every time she wanna do sum that can get us caught up with the cops or sum she gotta be like 'soooooo.."

Ah. That's why you didn't let her finish. I'm btw on my way to call the cops on the author because it's either "..." or ".". Decide. This shit just triggers my autism.

"Alright, there's this party and a whole lot of bomb celebrities finna be there, let's goooo!" She said. I look at her retarted, "bitch 1, how tf we finna get in?! 2, bitch how tf you know this?! 3, bitch what tf we finna wear?!"

The amount of slang that this passage has is somewhere between amazing and disturbing. I'm trying not to get offended by the fact that the author doesn't even bother to use capital letters anymore. Or that she's not willing to write the numbers out anymore. At least our friend here is asking the right questions.

"I got my ways, I got hoes, and I'll dress you." She said pursing her lips.

That was a weird flex but I'm okay with that answer for now.

Then she agrees to go with her and this happens:

She pulls me outta my bed and pushes me in the bathroom. "Shower." She says and closes the door.

I get the feeling that this friendship is kinda unhealthy. First she invades her home and calls her a bitch and now she's pushing her around like that. Rude.

Then there is a long ass passage about how they she gets dressed after the shower. Her friend even picks out her underwear which is slightly weird. Also here comes the point where it gets really unrealistic: she makes her wear heels. Lemme tell you: you can either go out in flats and have fun or sit the entire night at the bar in your good looking heels and be jealous of the other girls having fun. You know that your feet will die after you've mastered the way from your house to the club.

Of course she wanna make me look like a hoe.

Get yourself a new friend girl. My friends would recommend me to wear an undershirt to the club because they are worried about my kidneys getting too cold at night.

"Bitch you just look like a hoe. Oh shit wear this fur scarf. And the watch your mom bought you." She said.

Is that some kind of a compliment here? Also: if you're 18+ you should take a shot every time someone says hoe, bitch or some kind of synonym. You'll get wasted for sure. And I'm getting more and more confused over that celebrity party. Are they actually booked as prostitutes or why are they trying so hard?

Then there is some unnecessary talk about her doing her makeup. She's going for "a nude sexy look". How innovative. James Charles is shaking. She says bitch two times again. That's about it.

*skip to the party*

When the author finally realizes that that shit is boring... Show me some celebrities. Whoop! I wonder if One Direction will be there too.

We pull up at the place and we park in the parking lot paying a fee of $10.

That is oddly specific. And also I hope they don't want to get home in this car after the party. Don't drink and drive kids!

"$10 fucking dollars, bitch I could've gotten me food for $10 fucking dollars."

I feel like you don't need to put dollars 4 times in one sentence but besides that I 100% agree and approve of this part of the story. Relatable.

Then her friend calls a random dude to meet them at the front and after getting yelled at by the security this happens:

"Nah they with me." A black guy says coming out the door." He looks and nods. He gives us a stamp. "Ya'll over 21?" The security asked. We nodded.

Okay so where should I start... I love how the entire description of her friends 'way in' is that he's black. I can practically see him in front of my inner eye. Such a detailed... let's just not bother with that anymore. I love how easily they get into the club. Without paying or shit. The price of the parking lot fee now seems less dramatic. I'd hope going out where I live would be that easy. But now we know that they are responsible grown-ups that definitely know what they are doing. Are they?

"Who tf is this?" I ask my friend.

Good question.

"This Steven. Steven, this y/n. Ya'll meet and shit." She replied.

Bad answer.

"Hi." I say and replies back.

"Hi." "Hi." *cricket noises* Let's ignore that this isn't a complete sentence, okay? It's frustrating.

"Alright, we finna go meet up with Ethan, Cole, Diego, Omar, and Arnold." Steven said.

I don't think you need a comma in front of an "and" but I recommend that you just ask your teacher about that. Also: I will be 16/10 disappointed if Arnold Schwarzenegger won't be part of this story.

"Ayyeeee, who this?" a guy with Anne frank tatted on his face.

It's a name. Use capital letters. Please. Also: wtf. Who has Anne Frank tattooed on his face? Apparently there is a rapper called ARNOLDISDEAD who does. Kind of a weird motive choice but hey, we love people who actually know history, don't we? Also I'm sad that this is said Arnold. I'm still waiting for Schwarzenegger tho.

Steven explains that he met her friend at "the restaurant" last week. Cool story. Then some people say what their name is and the author tells us about their skin color. The guy about the entire ff really is enters the story. After 1.300 words that I've written. Ouch.

"Diego." Another white boy(bitch ik he Hispanic fuck off.) with face tats said.

How about you stop talking about everyone's skin color then? IT DOESN'T MATTER. And stop insulting your readers. I feel attacked.

He kinda cute. Nah, sexy.

Sorry Diego.

"Nice to meet y'all, but where the drink?" I say. we in a high class club, the drinks better be good.

I'm starting to feel sympathy for her. I'm not even mad about the fact the she didn't use enough capital letters again.

"I'll take you to them." diego said.

You're a fan of him. Take your time to write a D.

this is awkward.

I can only fully agree.

Then they meet their bartender who is called chad. Chad with a small c.

"gimme vodka with some sprite." Diego answers. Chad nods and writes it down.

I laughed at this and felt bad. Seems like the young guy already has Alzheimer. I have originally never seen a bartender write down what I ordered. I wonder if the person who wrote this ever went to a club or so. Maybe she's even underage which would me the next part of this ff way way way too awkward.

He looks at me licking his lips looking at my boobs.

Jesus Christ has left the chat. Also: get yourself a chap stick if your lips are dry.

I roll my eyes, "your strongest drink and stop looking my breast, they not for you."

Hold the fuck up. So the bartender is the real pervert? Shishtar shook! Also: have fun with your Absinth. See you in the hospital tomorrow. I feel like this sentence is lacking an 'at'.

chad smirks and wrote down my drink while walking away.

She's mixing up more tenses than the bartender with Alzheimer is mixing drinks.

Diego starts talking with her about how bold she is for talking to the bartender like that. She replies by telling him that he respects herself most of the time and he asks her to define that.

"well let's just say if a cute guy.... Like you.... Asked me to fuck, I'd probably say yes." I say getting near him.

This went from 0 to 100 really fast. I'm trying to process that. They know each other for a maximum of 5 minutes. She seems to be megahorny. But hey: she's telling him exactly what he wants and she isn't playing any games with him. She gets point for that at least. I was waiting for a stupid love story tho. I'm disappointed.

"then baby, you trynna fuck?" he asked grabbing my ass (I can't remember if they are sitting but whatever, just go with it)

*sigh* How about you read your fucking book before publishing it? I'm literally screaming. And turning gay at the same time because: what is wrong with this guy.

"what are we waiting for?" i reply.

For my next chapter. I need a serious break from all of this. See you guys tommorw.

~xoxo Sidney