The Wattpad Filipino Block Party 2021

FALL IN LOVE THIS QUARANTINE: A Sweet Mock Trial

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE

372A HIGH STREET

The living room with furniture arranged to resemble a courtroom. Two study tables with papers scattered are facing the sofa, and in each, two kitchen chairs. On the sofa, in his full court attire, robes, and gavel, sits the judge, FORSETI. In front of him stands EDWARD DACE, eyes wide in disbelief.

EDWARD: (Internal monologue) A year and seven months into quarantine and everyone has completely lost their plot.

FORSETI: (Bangs gavel) Case dismissed.

EDWARD DACE flinches as the sound of the gavel fills the living room with dread and defeat.

EDWARD: (Mutters) I can't believe I lost my first case.

••• SEVEN-MINUTE SEMBLANCE •••

ACT ONE, SCENE TWO

372A HIGH STREET

Twelve hours ago, 7 o'clock in the morning. EDWARD wakes up to the sound of porcelain and glass being broken and shattered from the kitchen. He immediately jumps out of bed and rushes downstairs, his glasses askew on his face.

He encounters JOYEUSE at the foot of the staircase, watching the commotion with glee. LANCE and ARTHUR are fighting in the kitchen, screaming at each other's faces. FUTHARK tries to calm them down.

JOYEUSE (sipping his coffee): They've been at it for fifteen minutes now.

EDWARD: Anong nangyari?

JOYEUSE: Arthur accused Lance of finishing and throwing his jar of Nutella away.

EDWARD: And they're screaming at each other's faces because of that?

JOYEUSE: I have another reason in mind, Edward, but you're too young and innocent for it.

FUTHARK (storming out of the kitchen): Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko ba sinusubukang awatin ang dalawang 'yon, matanda na sila!

JOYEUSE: Yeah, I don't even know why you're trying. Those two just need a time alone.

FUTHARK: Anong ibig mong sabihin?

JOYEUSE: It's a year and a half since we've been put into quarantine. I think they're suffocated.

EDWARD: With your presence? I get that.

JOYEUSE kicks Edward's knees.

FUTHARK: Pagkaalis nilang dalawa sa kusina, ipaghahanda ko na kayo ng agahan.

LANCE (walking out from the kitchen): Somebody knock some sense into Arthur's head and tell him I didn't touch any of his sweets.

JOYEUSE (with a mischievous grin): Not happening.

ARTHUR (following Lance): If you admitted that you ate my Nutella and buy me another one, I'd forgive all three hundred of the annoying things you did this year and last year.

LANCE (in disbelief): Now you're counting all the annoying things I do?

ARTHUR: I have REALLY good memory.

LANCE: Oh yeah? Sue me.

ARTHUR (stepping closer towards LANCE in a threatening tone): Oh, I will sue you.

LANCE (stepping closer, 'til he and ARTHUR are inches away from each other's face): Right here, right now. I'm calling Forseti to be the judge. Jule will be my lead counsel.

JOYEUSE (raising his coffee mug up): Great choice.

EDWARD: Then I believe I'm going to be the—

ARTHUR: I'm choosing Siegfried as my lawyer.

EDWARD: I can't believe this.

LANCE: Then my second chair is Futhark. That's right, I'm choosing the A-Team.

EDWARD: HEY!

ARTHUR: Bring it on. We have an hour to gather discovery.

EDWARD (quietly): The fuck is that?

FUTHARK steps in between ARTHUR and LANCE.

FUTHARK (firmly): Kakain po muna tayong lahat ng agahan at saka po tayo maglalaro ng lawyer-lawyeran.

ARTHUR: Is this a game to you, Futhark?

FUTHARK: Po—

JOYEUSE (sarcastically): Yeah, Futhark, is this a game to you?

FUTHARK: Huh?!

ARTHUR: You have no idea what Lance has done. He has violated the sanctity of my side of the fridge and I cannot forgive that.

LANCE:

LANCE: Seriously, sa lahat ng bagay na na-violate ko ang sanctity, 'yong side mo sa ref ang kinagagalit mo?

JOYEUSE: Right, now I'm butting in because I got excited with the thought of kicking Edward's ass in a mock trial and you two will not ruin that. Let's eat breakfast and have a short deposition after.

LANCE (on his way upstairs): Jule, I need to talk to you.

JOYEUSE: Excuse me, lads, my client wants to talk to me. (Smirks at EDWARD) See you in court.

EDWARD (squinting his eyes): You're having so much fun, are you this immature?

JOYEUSE (feigning innocence): Me, immature! Oh good sir, I am but a sincere lover of bureaucracy, law, and order.

EDWARD: Oh, fuck off.

JOYEUSE leaves and follows LANCE upstairs, mocking EDWARD.

FUTHARK (with a sigh): Pagbigyan n'yo na, Ed. Ngayon lang 'yan nagkaro'n ng pagkakaabalahan dahil isang taon na s'yang bored.

EDWARD: Right. So that means, Sir Arthur, tayo ang magkakampi. Ano pong gagawin?

FUTHARK shakes his head and proceeds to the kitchen.

ARTHUR: We're going to prepare our discovery.

EDWARD: Is that a court vocabulary because I have no idea what a discovery and a deposition is.

ARTHUR stares at EDWARD in slight horror.

ARTHUR: Where's Siegfried?

EDWARD shrugs.

ARTHUR: You have the slightest idea of what it's like in court, haven't you?

EDWARD: I—I can shout, "Objection your honour!" really loudly.

ARTHUR: You sure you haven't seen Siegfried?

••• SEVEN-MINUTE SEMBLANCE •••

ACT TWO, SCENE ONE

LANCE'S ROOM

LANCE sits on his study table. JOYEUSE enters the room, with a confident smirk on his face. He stands by the door after closing it.

JOYEUSE: I don't even know why Arthur thinks he has a chance of winning this thing.

LANCE: Because he was telling the truth. I did eat and throw away his Nutella last night.

JOYEUSE (with a slight pause and a squint of his eyes): Are you saying you're guilty?

LANCE: I was hungry! I thought I had enough time to buy him another one this morning but it appears that he has been planning to prepare something for today and he needed all of his Nutella; that's why he was so mad, I ruined his plans or something.

JOYEUSE figures out what happened in a second.

JOYEUSE: Oh Lance you are a blooming fool.

LANCE: Don't I get credit for choosing you as my lawyer?

JOYEUSE: I retract my statement. Knowing you're guilty and choosing me to represent you might be the smartest decision you've made this quarantine season.

••• SEVEN-MINUTE SEMBLANCE •••

ACT TWO, SCENE TWO

DINING ROOM

ARTHUR sits at the head of the table with his hands on his face. He heaves a disgruntled sigh. EDWARD DACE is eating cereal in front of him.

EDWARD: Discovery means we're going to examine every evidence that we have in order to convict Sir Lance? And later on we're going to have a (he finger quotes) "deposition" where we'll talk about the case without calling Forseti?

ARTHUR: For the fourth time, yes. And sometimes, we also gather discovery during depositions.

EDWARD: I don't understand. Bakit hindi na lang po natin i-access ang CCTV sa sala? I'm sure nakuhanan ng video si Sir Lance na kinakain 'yong Nutella n'yo.

ARTHUR (smiling, but with his left eye twitching): That's what I meant by discovery, Edward Dace. Because we're not sure if that piece of evidence is admissible.

EDWARD: But if it's caught on tape then it means it's true!

ARTHUR: How long have you been friends with Jule?

EDWARD: Long enough for me to call him an asshole in a very loving way.

ARTHUR: And in those years, how many enemies of him have you met?

EDWARD: Halos lahat po ng sakit namin sa ulo ay dahil sa katarantaduhang ginawa ni Joyeuse.

ARTHUR: And in all those years, how many times have he introduced himself as Edward Dace and lied in front of a person just to get what he wants?

EDWARD: Marami! Like—oh my God we're going to lose even though we're the good guys.

ARTHUR: No. We're not going to lose because I'm choosing you as the prosecutor.

EDWARD: Because you think I'm smart enough to go against Joyeuse?

ARTHUR: Because Siegfried's not here.

EDWARD: Sir binibigyan ko po kayo ng limang segundo para purihin ako dahil kapag pinili kong maglaro ng video games kaysa pag-aksayahan ng oras ang Nutella n'yo, dudurugin kayo ni Joyeuse at Futhark.

ARTHUR: Are you threatening me?

EDWARD: No, but it seems like sa akin nakasalalay ang kapalaran ng Nutella n'yo.

ARTHUR: My Nutella's gone and I can simply represent myself if you want out.

EDWARD: NO SIR ISALI N'YO NA PO AKO, MAGHAHANAP NA PO AKO NG EBIDENSYA LABAN KAY SIR LANCE.

••• SEVEN-MINUTE SEMBLANCE •••

ACT TWO, SCENE THREE

LIVING ROOM

FUTHARK rearranges the furniture in the living room. He wakes up LAEVATEINN, who has been sleeping on the floor behind the couch.

FUTHARK: Lae, gising, hinahanap ka ni Sir Arthur.

LAEVATEINN: I have never been woken up once in my life just to attend to that peasant's needs.

FUTHARK: Naglalaro kami ng kunwari mga lawyer kami at mag-isa lang si Edward na prosecutor.

LAEVATEINN: Edward's alone?

FUTHARK: Ayaw mo ba s'yang tulungang soplahin at supalpalin si Joyeuse?

LAEVATEINN (whistling to call his wolfdog's attention): Fenrir, we're going to play with the drama queen!

FUTHARK smiles.

FUTHARK (to his phone): Napasali ko na po si Lae sa laro. Ano na pong gagawin?

LANCE (through the phone): We prepare for the deposition.

FUTHARK: Hindi po ba tayo pwedeng mag-settle na lang? Baka po kasi ang gusto lang ni Sir Arthur ay 'yong pagkain lang n'ya at hindi na po natin kailangan pang palakihin ang bagay na 'to.

JOYEUSE (through the phone): Settlement means we're admitting that we're guilty, Futhark. We're going to have Lance tried, whether you like it or not.

FUTHARK: Gusto mo lang namang maglaro, nandadamay ka pa.

JOYEUSE: This is our family bonding, don't ruin this.

••• SEVEN-MINUTE SEMBLANCE •••

ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR

DINING ROOM

LANCE, JOYEUSE, and FUTHARK sit side by side. Across them are ARTHUR, EDWARD, and LAEVATEINN. FENRIR the dog takes the seat at the head of the table. A camcorder is focused on LANCE. EDWARD is noticeably wearing a three-piece suit.

JOYEUSE: Here's what we're going to do. Since Edward is new to all of this, why don't we all sign a—

EDWARD: Nobody's signing anything and my client is not signing anything unless we've all read it.

JOYEUSE (pausing to stare at EDWARD as if he's stupid): . . . Yes, we're not signing anything unless we've read it. That's why—

EDWARD: Your client is going to admit that he stole my client's sweets!

JOYEUSE: Stop cutting me mid-sentence! Somehow you take away the fun of doing this activity.

EDWARD: Good!

FUTHARK (whispering to Joyeuse): Nagpapanggap lang s'yang walang alam para mainis ka sa kanya at mawala sa focus.

JOYEUSE (between his teeth): He's doing a great job annoying me.

EDWARD: Are you ready to sign a settlement?

ARTHUR: Edward we're not signing a settlement, we're suing him.

EDWARD: And dami n'yo pong sinabi kanina, nalito na ako.

FUTHARK raises an eyebrow.

ARTHUR: We're here to sue Lance for—

EDWARD: Sir I'm your lawyer, let me do the talking for you.

ARTHUR clenches his fists but smiles at EDWARD.

EDWARD: We're here to sue Sir Dad for a hundred thousand and a public apology to be posted on all his social media accounts!

ARTHUR: He's not posting that on his social media, people will know we're living together?

LANCE, JOYEUSE, and FUTHARK stare at them. LAEVATEINN quietly eats an apple.

EDWARD: Ano po ba talaga ang gusto n'yong marating, Sir?

ARTHUR: Right now? Hell. But I see I'm halfway there, being in the same room as you.

EDWARD: I'm your lawyer, Sir, I'm here to get you out of Hell.

JOYEUSE: Oh pish posh, you're not a lawyer.

EDWARD: You're not a lawyer too, you're just a know-it-all.

JOYEUSE: I'm a Political Science student.

EDWARD: You skipped all of your classes.

JOYEUSE: Because I only had to attend exam days and I aced all of them.

EDWARD: Clearly not Ethics because you're an asshole.

JOYEUSE: I'm a second year college students and I don't have any Ethics subject yet.

FUTHARK: Kumalma muna tayong lahat. Wala tayong mapapala rito kung magsasagutan lang kayo at meron pa akong mga labadang inaasikaso.

LANCE: Oh fuck it, I'm calling Forseti so we could have a trial because clearly, Arthur chose the wrong lawyer.

ARTHUR: You chose the wrong time to eat my Nutella.

LANCE: I didn't eat your Nutella and my lawyer can prove it.

••• SEVEN-MINUTE SEMBLANCE •••

ACT TWO, SCENE FIVE

PLAINTIFF'S CHAMBERS, A.K.A. ARTHUR'S ROOM

EDWARD: They bought it. They thought I was stupid and that we're all over the place.

ARTHUR: Well you sold it pretty well. Even I was convinced you didn't know what you're doing.

EDWARD: Because I don't know what I'm doing. But what's important is they think they could easily beat us in court, not knowing we have rock solid evidence.

••• SEVEN-MINUTE SEMBLANCE •••

ACT TWO, SCENE SIX

LIVING ROOM

A mock court trial set-up. FORSETI in a black casual shirt, sitting on the couch. He wonders why he had to be called in an "emergency", only to see two adults and four teenagers roleplaying as lawyers. FORSETI clearly has other things to do.

LAEVATEINN (sitting on the floor beside FORSETI; in a monotonous manner): This honourable court of 372A High Street with the Honorable Judge Seth Fortes is now in session. All rise.

Nobody rises.

LAEVATEINN: You are all disappointments to your mothers.

EDWARD (whispers to Sir Arthur): Where's the jury?

FENRIR presses a button and the TV springs to life, flashing a Zoom meeting with 6 participants, all from CORONADO CHRONICLES.

LANCE (quietly, to JOYEUSE): Isn't Macey Velasquez Edward's girlfriend?

JOYEUSE: She is. But there are six of them and that's only one vote, assuming she'd be biased.

FUTHARK: Takot naman po sa inyo si Zweihänder, Sir Lance.

JOYEUSE (sitting confidently with his arms and legs crossed): They want you to sweat, Lance. Don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you squirm.

FORSETI (with the slightest interests): Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this case involves Arthur Lukas, owner of a 500 ml jar of Nutella as the plaintiff and Lance Ducere, (sighs) as the defendant. Mr. Lukas's lawyer, did you prepare an opening statement?

EDWARD: A what-

JOYEUSE: As expected.

EDWARD (walking towards the middle of the room): My opening statement is that Mr. Lance Ducere has violated the sanctity of my client's part of the fridge—

LANCE: Your honour can we please stop using the words "violate" and "sanctity"?

FORSETI: Let your lawyer speak, Mr. Ducere.

JOYEUSE (deadpan): Your honour can we please put into consideration that my client has a dirty mind.

FORSETI: Sustained.

EDWARD: And here we have a video footage of Mr. Ducere eating the said Nutella.

EDWARD shares his screen to the Zoom meeting, where everyone could see LANCE taking the Nutella jar from the fridge, watching TV, and finishing it in one sitting.

EDWARD: Clear as day, my dude.

FORSETI: Mr. Dace you will address me as "your honour".

EDWARD: Crystal clear, your dudeness.

FORSETI: Defence, do you have anything to say to this piece of evidence?

JOYEUSE: Yes, in fact I do. (stands up) Mr. Edward Dace, you were featured in an international news journal, weren't you?

EDWARD: Objection your honour, irrelevant.

JOYEUSE: No, this is relevant. For what were you featured again?

EDWARD: For being awesome?

FORSETI: Please answer the question honestly, Mr. Dace.

EDWARD: For creating a hologram theatre.

JOYEUSE: You produced, edited, and created an entire movie and converted Essex's theatre into a holographic cinema in less that a day, is that correct?

EDWARD (squinting his eyes): Yes.

JOYEUSE: Then ladies and gentlemen of the jury it is possible that the piece of evidence that the prosecution has is completely fabricated, made by the brilliance of Edward Dace's tech-savvy.

EDWARD: HOY!

JOYEUSE smirks at Edward.

FORSETI: That piece of evidence is inadmissible, Mr. Dace. We're all aware of your exemplary computer skills.

EDWARD: Please stop praising me whilst burying me into the ground.

FORSETI: Would you like to call a witness?

EDWARD: Yes! We would like to call Futhark to the stand.

FUTHARK: Me?

EDWARD: Yes, you.

FUTHARK: Okay . . . ?

FUTHARK steps forward and sits on the chair beside the sofa.

LAEVATEINN (pressing a book against FUTHARK's head): Raise your right hand. Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Odin?

FUTHARK: Paki-alis sa ulo ko 'yong libro, Lae.

LAEVATEINN (hitting FUTHARK's head with the book): Do you swear?

FUTHARK: I DO, I DO!

EDWARD: So. Mommy Fu. Si Futhark na alam nating lahat na hindi nagsisinungaling sa ating mga teacher.

FUTHARK: I invoke my rights against self-incrimination.

EDWARD: Wala pa.

FUTHARK: Nararamdaman kong paparating na.

EDWARD: Anyway. Did you see the Nutella jar last night when you took away all the leftovers from dinner?

FUTHARK: Yes, it was there.

EDWARD: Then that means it was stolen between 12 am and 7 am, correct?

FUTHARK: Yes?

EDWARD: And did you see anyone go to the kitchen around those times?

FUTHARK: Nakita ko si Sir Arthur at si Sir Lance na magkausap sa kusina.

EDWARD: Thank you. That's all I want to ask, your honour.

FUTHARK returns to his seat.

EDWARD: I would like to call another witness to the stand.

JOYEUSE: It's my turn to call a witness.

EDWARD: I would like to sit down, your honour.

JOYEUSE: Our witness is Nicholas James.

JOYEUSE flashes a video call with NICHOLAS JAMES on the TV.

NICHOLAS: OH MY GOD HI JULE I'M A FAN!

EDWARD: Objection your honour, badgering!

FORSETI (whilst wishing he didn't come to this mess): Overruled.

JOYEUSE: So, Nicholas. You and Arthur have worked together for some time now?

NICHOLAS: Yes! He was my bodyguard!

JOYEUSE: And during those times, did Arthur lie to you once?

NICHOLAS: Oh he lied to me a lot. He even strangled me and slammed me to the ground, I was so, so hurt, Arthie.

EDWARD: Objection your honour, irrelevant!

JOYEUSE: This is not irrelevant, we're talking about the plaintiff's character and credibility. Now, Nicholas, have Arthur lied and made you believe something that isn't true?

EDWARD: Your honour, speculation!

FORSETI: Overruled.

NICHOLAS: He once bought me a Happy Meal?

JOYEUSE: I'm sorry what-

NICHOLAS: He made me believe that he's this good person and bought me a Happy Meal, only to strangle and beat me up afterwards.

JOYEUSE: No further questions, your honour.

FORSETI: Plaintiff?

EDWARD: Why did Arthur strangle you, Mr. Nicholas?

NICHOLAS: I don't remember.

EDWARD: You lying son of a-

ARTHUR (pulling Edward's sleeve and whispering to him): I strangled him because he said, "What are you gonna do, kill me?"

EDWARD: That does sound like him.

ARTHUR: And he used Lance and my family against me.

EDWARD quirks an eyebrow, having a lightbulb moment.

EDWARD: No further questions, your honour.

NICHOLAS: Can I watch this mock trial?

JOYEUSE (ending the video call): No, get out.

EDWARD: Your honour I would like to call my last witness to the stand.

FORSETI: Proceed.

EDWARD: I am calling the defendant himself, Mr. Lance Ducere.

LANCE: You can't make me testify against myself.

EDWARD: I just want to ask a few questions. First is, do you love Mr. Arthur Lukas?

LANCE: Of course.

JOYEUSE rolls his eyes.

EDWARD: IF YOU LOVED HIM THEN WHY DID YOU EAT THE GODDAMN NUTELLA?!

LANCE: I WAS HUNGRY???

EDWARD: I see. No further questions, your honour. (Smirks at Joyeuse) Who's the loser now?

JOYEUSE: I would like to ask the witness some questions, your honour.

FORSETI: Proceed.

LANCE: Why are you asking me questions, we're supposed to be in this together.

JOYEUSE: Yeah we were, until you decided to be a blooming fool. (Clears his throat) Mr. Ducere, what date is it today?

LANCE: July 13?

JOYEUSE: And for what do you think was Arthur going to use the Nutella?

LANCE: For . . . (realises) Oh shit.

JOYEUSE: No further questions.

LANCE: I plead guilty, your honour.

EDWARD (quietly, to Futhark): Anong meron ngayon?

FUTHARK (with a smile): Anniversary nila ni Sir Lance. Sir Arthur was trying to prepare a special breakfast for him.

EDWARD: Ah kaya pala galit na galit.

LANCE (approaching ARTHUR): Would you like to uhh, go to the grocery store and buy more sweets?

ARTHUR smiles at him.

ARTHUR: Sure.

JOYEUSE: Now that we have wasted Forseti's time, I would like to file a countersuit against Arthur Lukas for destroying Lance's precious beach and sailboats miniature.

LANCE: You what-

ARTHUR: Uhm. I love you?

LANCE: YOU BROKE THE WHAT?

ARTHUR: EDWARD DO SOMETHING.

LANCE: Forseti, wear your robes, we're bringing this to a real court.