By vayavaitsis

Description: 10/10

Amazeballs! Just wow! There was each and everything in your blurb. From describing the characters to set up a plot, it was just perfect. I think you're the first person to get all the points for a summary. Very well thought of!

Plot development: 6/10

Well, this is the place where you've most likely lost the points. Sorry if im too critical with the review.

Now the first thing was the intro paragraph. To be honest it did not hook me. As a reader, I always want to know where the story has been set. You did not mention whether she was in her room or someone else's room. I needed descriptions of what her room or bed looked like. Describing a place helps the reader put himself in the story with greater ease, and it makes the characters and event more real.

One thing I really liked was the mention of the place where the main character was that is the States. I appreciate that. Adding more information about that place makes your writing more interesting and helps the reader picture himself in that place. 

Then you wrote that Asimina's sisters were returning from Greece. But you never wrote why they were there in the first place while Asimina was in the States. Then various questions kept flooding my mind like why were they returning back and what made them go to Greece apart from the mention of Nat reaching the age of thirties and wanting to go there. As a reader, I expect answers which I couldn't find.

I think Asimina was waiting for their video call right? But she only gets a call from one of her sisters. So I assume Nat is the closest to her. Well, I may be wrong but this is what I figured out.

Next thing was that even when the characters are speaking to each other there's only telling and not showing.

Example:

"And with that, I mean Asimina kind of fun. Not Nat boring kind of fun." Teasing her was a hobby I thoroughly enjoyed.

Don't you think this sentence looks a bit incomplete?

You could write the dialogue and write this instead- Jostling her to annoyance was a kind of entertainment I'd developed over the years and thoroughly relished it.

There were many instances where simple words like laughing, giggling could be elaborated into longer phrases.

What I mean by this is Use Specific Words to Paint Pictures

Look at the at following examples:

• I went to the dresser or restaurant.
• I ran to the dresser or restaurant.
• I staggered to the dresser or restaurant.
• I plodded to the dresser or restaurant.

In each sentence, the speaker is going to the dresser or restaurant, but the images are quite different. With the first sentence, the reader does not get a clear picture in her mind. She does not know how the person felt or how his body was moving. Each of the other examples gives the reader a more complete picture of how the person felt and acted. 

Showing not telling is the key to writing with elaboration. Place a simple common object in front of you, like an apple, and try to describe it.

Go through each of the five senses (sight, smell, sound, taste, touch) and ask yourself for a specific description of the apple for each category.
Then ask yourself:
Were you able to do it right? Did the writer give a detailed description of each of the five senses?

Try using similes and metaphors in your writing because it helps the reader associate the written piece with something that they already know. This association makes the written piece more real and engaging for that reader.

Metaphor example:

I was an excited puppy running around the room apon hearing about the arrival of my sisters.

Next thing is to show feelings. Example:

 Instead of writing, “She was depressed,” instead write this,
She grabbed the last tissue from the box and dabbed her eyes. She threw it on the floor and did not change out of her pyjamas all day. She sat in front of the television not even changing the channel though she had no interest in the program that was on.

I should probably stop now! Or I'm sure you will blow me away.

Character development: 3/5

Strong character development is the key feature in a fiction novel. You did a great job at it!
Our main character was not only witty at times but also strong. She wasn't like the other typical 'girls' on wattpad. I appreciate your effort in character building. That's one of the things I still lack in my writing and should definitely learn from you!

I suggest you describe Asimina's physical features along with her two other sisters because I couldn't understand anything apart from their nature.

Then you also mentioned about Asimina being similar to her mother in a number of ways. But how? Why? What made them similar? Try to ask these questions.

Next thing was the description of Alonzo. You wrote captivating blue eyes.
What if I write this- His eyes were the ocean, so full of life yet so uncertain and filled with contempt. The blue-green hue carried his emotional currents, and before I could breathe I was drowning.

Grammar and language: 8/10

There were some grammatical errors here and there along with minor typos. No problem! Please fix them and you're good to go.

Cover: 2/2

Oh, I definitely like the cover! Especially the text which is used. It definitely caught my attention. The darkness blends with the theme of the book pretty well! I love the graphic designer! If it's you hats off.

Title: 2/2
I like the title. There was nothing wrong with it. I love the overall theme of the book which is hidden behind this title. It is well thought of and splendid.

Im not that bad! I definitely point out good things about your book as well so don't kill me, please 🙏.

I hope you're satisfied with your review because I spent two hours rereading the first chapter again and again just in case I missed out on some details.

If you feel that I was too harsh or not according to your satisfaction then I'm really sorry.

All the best for your book and I'm not totalling coz I'm too lazy. Also if you find any errors in your review it's becoz of my laziness. Please ignore!