"More projects?" Mile's PR manager reiterates warily.

"More projects." Mile nods.

"And will you be...lovers?"

"Well, um, yeah."

She closes her eyes.

"And you remember me telling you distinctly why I thought this was a bad idea?"

Mile ducks his head.

"Yup."

She nods. When her eyes open again, they are glimmering.

"Okay, um..." She exhales shakily. "Then I guess you already know what I'm going to say." She spreads her hands helplessly. "There is absolutely no way I can spin two men who can't seem to stop role-playing as lovers, heterosexually... I know my limits. So I quit."

These two words echo in Mile's head like the banging of a gavel, the echo of a sledgehammer.

Mile purses his lips and nods, frantically curtailing the emotional reaction he wants to give way to.

"That's...understandable."

"You're a good boss, Mile," she whispers. "But what you're asking, it's...hopeless. No one can do the job you asked me to do, not while you yourself are determined to have your way."

He stares at the floor while she gets up and walks around him to leave.

The door closes behind her. It's sinking in now. Now Mile is panicking. He will never replace her. He can't trust anyone to replace her. She's the best in the industry. And no actor can survive long without a good PR team, especially not one with the sort of secret Mile is harbouring. Her skill in negotiating, threatening, and burying information is the only reason Mile and Apo's relationship hasn't made international headlines.

Mile's phone pings. It's Apo.

Have you read the book? He always knows the absolutely worst time to text.

Mile stifles a groan. He completely forgot about that damn encyclopedia. He's ashamed that he never got around to reading it after all that time, after promising Apo, ashamed that he let Apo down, so he lies.

I liked it. Very informative. About...cats...

He wishes Apo would drop it, but the man persists in his usual stubborn - albeit cute - way.

I wanna know what you thiiiink, Apo insists.

Mile takes a deep breath, jaw still taught with tension.

The truth is, it wasn't that big a deal in my opinion. He knows only honesty will work to get Apo off his back.

He's about to start thinking about damage control when Apo calls him.

"What do you mean?" Apo sounds crestfallen. "What do you mean, 'not that big a deal?'"

Oh, for fuck's sake.

"It's just..." He searches for a gentle, delicate way to break it to Apo. "Different things matter to different people and...this just wasn't that important to me." I don't like cats, Mile wants to scream, at least not obsessively like you!

He checks his watch. His father has requested a meeting, and just thinking about what he might want to discuss has Mile's stomach in knots. "I'm sorry; I've gotta go."

His father is probably probably going to give him a second helping of what Mile just got from his ex PR lead. Mile understands. He has not been good, always clicking where he shouldn't.

It's mostly Apo's fault. Apo is a loose talker, completely unhinged. Mile has stopped fretting when Apo spills suggestive tidbits about their intimacy on stage, his morning habits, his nightly routine, the color of his boxers, his little behavioural quirks. Mile thought it was kind of an open secret at this point. This has been a rude wake-up call. 

Mentally, Mile prepares the excuses. Apo went straight for the kill. I didn't know what to do after that; I was broken...

He knows what his father will say. I raised you to be a smart, prudent, level-headed man. You have a good head on your shoulders; use it.

But when it comes to Apo, Mile lost his head long ago.

Most people are like sand, their emotions heating and cooling quickly. Fickle. Mile is like water, which takes a long time to boil and a long time to cool. Ten long years he stewed over his attraction to Apo. And it will be a lot more than ten years before he's over the man.

"What do you think this is about, Mile?" Por folds his hands beneath his chin when Mile picks up the video call.

"When am I going to settle down with a nice woman and make many babies?" Mile guesses.

"Hmm, good question."

"I'm too busy for women, Por."

"But not too busy for Apo."

"He's... He's my friend. It's different."

"People think you're romantically involved."

"Let them think what they want. We're friends."

"I saw you two at dinner, that one time. Your eyes tell me he's no longer just an ordinary friend."

Mile's mouth opens and closes uselessly.

"I...just...what would you have me do?"

"How hard would it be to settle the rumors? Look at how the other people in Apo's life do it. Just denounce it."

"I can't..." Mile deflates. "To outright deny... That would..."

"Be a lie," his father says knowingly. "I thought so... You do know this has to stay a secret, right?"

Mile knows. There are a plethora of reasons.

Firstly, Mile is shy. Plus, they're both private people who don't talk about romantic things in public. Neither is the type to broadcast something so personal especially when, as actors, they value privacy so much.

It sounds like a bad cliché; people might not even believe it. They might be skeptical about the authenticity of their love, and say that it's just fan-service, a publicity stunt, character bleed, and it won't last, demeaning what they have, mocking and judging and shaming them.

What they share is something so sacred and delicate, a fledgling baby bird, that they don't dare let it see the glaring garish stage lights. It's hard to maintain your relationship when it's out in public. That pressure is the fastest way to kill a relationship. Everyone hyper-focused on them, asking intrusive questions... Sharing the experience with strangers feels wrong.

They can't know for sure that it isn't just character bleed; they'd need to be apart from each other and the show for a while to know how they really feel for each other.

If it doesn't work out, it jeopardizes their work together.

It could undermine their acting skills, if everyone thought they weren't really acting.

They might be typecast into gay roles forever.

Companies might try to capitalize on it and monetize the relationship.

Mile remembers reading a post somewhere on social media, titled "date in private," which went on to explain that a relationship doesn't need to make sense to anyone, except the people in it. It's a relationship, not a community project. The wisdom of the post impressed him, and stuck with him for years.

"Why should we tell people?" Mile grumbles. "What's in it for us, besides more problems and complications? I don't like that people think we have to explain ourselves. This is about Apo and I. Everyone else in this hypocritical, heteronormative, intrusive and nosy society can fuck off; they don't get to have an opinion."

But there's another reason Mile hasn't thought of.

"Think very carefully about this," his father intones gravely. "If the Romsaithong family has a gay son, how do you think it will affect their public image and their businesses? Everyone will just be picturing you both on hands and knees getting railed from behind." His voice drops to a whisper. "You'll lose the respect you worked so hard to earn. And so will the rest of us. You know what this country is like. Gay marriage isn't even legal here."

Mile feels the scarce color drain from his face.

"But I was... I thought, one day..." It is finally beginning to sink in that they can never have this. What Mile has been dreaming about, it just isn't possible for the two of them, not in their situations. They will never walk down the streets of Thailand swinging hands, with their children in tow. If Mile wants an easy, public relationship, he can find it only with a woman. He had been hoping to come out some day. Do that and you're disowned, is the implied warning.

Mile is left alone in his room after the call, hyperventilating.

It's okay. It's going to be just fine. Mile knows there is no reason to-

"FUUUUCK!" he roars.

Mile's phone pings with an incoming notification. Mile checks it with shaky hands. It's a text from Apo, because of course it is.

I don't think you read it. He knows Mile too well. You say you did but I think you got busy and didn't, and you're lying to me.

He ignores the message - he isn't in the right frame of mind to answer it right now - and decides to call it an early night.

But then the doorbell rings, and there's Apo.

Mile's pulse ticks. He's already stressed; Apo showing up at his place and accusing him of this insignificant - albeit true - triviality is the last thing he needed.

"I did read it," he lies again.

"Tell me something from the chapter on black cats," Apo challenges.

"They're traditionally considered bad luck." Mile taps his foot. He likes to think he has always shown Apo exceptional magnanimity and patience but he's exceptionally stressed right now.

Apo rolls his eyes.

"Something not everyone knows already."

Mile throws his hands up.

"You don't know when to quit! I don't care, aright? You heard me the first time on the phone, so I don't know why you're trying to draw more out of me now. It's not that big a deal. I've got bigger things to focus on right now, Apo; can't you see that?"

Apo stares at him in shock.

Apo has annoyed him before. But no matter how irritated he was, Mile has never yelled at him.

•••

On May 5, a magnitude 6.3 earthquake strikes Japan, with the town of Suzu closest to the epicenter. This worries Mile because he's due to fly out to Japan in two days.

Whenever they were together on set, every cell in Apo's body seemed to scream to Mile: give all of your attention to me. Now, he's giving his to everyone but Mile. He's jumping on everyone's back - Tong, Bas, Pond, everyone except Mile. Mile isn't sure if he's imagining it, but that's what it feels like to him.

Apo used to love touching Mile, unable to resist to poking him in the chest whenever it was exposed by his open shirt. Now he doesn't even glance Mile's way. 

Mile knows there's a problem when Apo calls him buddy on set. Apo never stopped calling him bro and dude, even after they got together. Apo needs a playmate first, a lover second. He wants a lover, but he doesn't want to lose a best friend, either. And Mile feels the same. So it's fine.

But there are other things.

Avoidance. He stops talking when Mile comes within earshot. He's stopped touching him, sitting next to him, and talking to him. They used to listen to music on set between takes, make conversation, laugh about random things. Now, Apo doesn't even look at him. The eyes Mile was once graced with, blessed with, now won't even meet his except for the occasional curt, cold greeting when the presence of others necessitates it.

The next day, Mile is emailed a preview of the edited shots from their recent Dior photoshoot for L'Officiel Homme, in which he and Apo had the to opportunity to switch styles.

Normally, Apo would call him immediately to talk about the pictures, which ones they liked and which ones they disliked, but today there is no call.

May 7 brings the ordination ceremony for Mile's brother Man. Normally, Apo would be invited to that, too. Of course, he'd be likely to decline in favor of discretion, but the invite would still be extended. Things being as they are, Mile decides not to invite him at all. 

A few hours after the ceremony, Mile departs for Japan with his mom.

After they land, they check into their hotel and then Mile takes her to a restaurant she absolutely adores. He posts a photo of it to his Instagram story. They spend the day shopping and exploring Shibuya Scramble Square. He finds a gorgeous, yellow gold vintage watch and posts it to his story as well. Apo hasn't commented on any of his posts. They still haven't discussed the results of the shoot, but Mile knows Apo is happy with them from all the times he reposts the pictures to his story. Between Mile and Apo, there are probably a dozen reposts of the same photo in the span of two days.

It's been a long time since Mile had to resort to interpreting Apo's social media cues to find out how the man was feeling about something. Mile is really beginning to miss their talks, the in-depth ones that followed their first sexual experience together.

Mile contemplates grovelling. Initially, he was convinced he did the right thing being firm with Apo. Apo's annoying nagging can get out of hand really fast if he's not checked by a firm no. But now Mile thinks he should have been more understanding. When Apo likes someone, he is a constant nuisance to them. That's just the way he is.

Besides, he did not wait ten years to just break up over something silly.

I'm sorry, he texts Apo. With any luck, Apo will have forgotten all about Mile's outburst.

Apo calls him almost immediately.

"You were an insensitive asshole." So, probably not, then.

"I'm sorry. It's just that sometimes...some things..." Mile struggles to verbalize his thoughts, still recoiling from the rude greeting. "I know it mattered a lot to you but it just didn't matter that much to me. But I'm sorry I yelled. I'm trying to be more gentle now, but still honest, so you know how I feel. I just don't have the time or energy for some of the things you want me to-"

"I never should've given you that stupid book," Apo says low.

"Apo, please. It really wasn't that big a deal; can't you see that?"

"It was to me."

"Oh, come on," Mile pleads. "I know you're more mature than this-"

"Mile, I'm going to hang up now."

"Wait. Apo, please, we're not getting any younger. Are we gonna be fifty-five and still chasing each other?"

Apo hangs up.

Mile texts him once, texts him twice, but can't bring himself to text a third time. He still has some dignity left, and he doesn't want to give Apo the satisfaction of knowing he's on Mile's mind twenty-four-seven. It's not about ego. Mile would stoop as low as he needed to if he thought it would help. It's about self-respect. There's a difference.

Apo clearly doesn't want to talk to him, and Mile's efforts will only be seen as annoying.

Apo later checks his Instagram and finds that Apo has also posted a food story. Mile knows Apo has been craving that prosciutto melon spring salad for months. Looks like he's doing just fine without me, Mile thinks with a huff of indignation.

They must be psychic because they both post dessert to their stories not long after that.

Apo liked the salad so much he goes back the next day. When Mile sees his story, he decides to match it.

It's as if an unspoken competition has been launched. You're having fun without me, so I'm having fun without you.

He keeps this up until his friends text him. Are you two drunk? What's with the Instagram story spam?

Mile realizes they've posted a random melange consisting of ten food stories between the two of them, Shibuya Scramble Square, a guitar shop, a shopping cart filled with protein bars, boats docked at a Japanese pier, a statue from a Thai temple, a broken glass, and a Dior quilt from Mumbai. And neither man has shown any sign of relenting.

The next day, Apo has a business trip at GMM Grammy. He's looking sharp in black loafers, a black suit jacket and white dress shirt. Mile loves the classy look on him. Under ordinary circumstances, he would have loved to take it off of him piece by piece at the end of the day. Apo, Pond, and several music producers, including Ohm, are working on the Man Suang soundtrack. Ohm is the lead singer of the Cocktail band, a composer and music producer. He was one of the founders of Gene Lab, a subsidiary of GMM Grammy - and he is also a judge at the famous Thailand survival event. He will be helping them give Man Suang a unique soundtrack.

Apo posts a picture of a homemade iced cofftail on his marble kitchen tabletop and Mile stares at it wistfully for way too long. Mae Nathanee, sensing her son's distress, asks him about Apo. And the floodgates open. Mile explains that they haven't really fought like this before. They've been forced to learn how to resolve arguments and stay together like a married couple for the sake of their careers. If Mile and Apo have a falling out over who gets to wear a certain designer belt, what are they supposed to tell Dior, Vogue, Giffarine, Srichand, BeijingIFF, RedSealFF, Paris, India and Thai media, the New York Times? It simply won't do. So their shared work has actually helped them get along and stick it out during tough times. They've been forced to work on their problems, embrace their differences, communicate.

But this feels different. This feels final.

Mile falls asleep with his face planted in movie scripts. He is awakened at 4:16AM by an emergency alert. An earthquake with a preliminary magnitude of 5.4 has jolted a wide area surrounding Tokyo Bay, including downtown Tokyo.

This is the first earthquake Mile has ever experienced. He does his best to keep calm, but he's worried - not only for his own safety, but for that of his mother, who is only in the next room because he flew her out here. He knew earthquakes were a possibility - they're quite common in this region - but he's always been so lucky. Lately, it seems like his luck has been running out.

Mile tweets a screenshot of the alert. Apo is sleeping right now, back in Thailand. Mile hopes he doesn't die here in Japan, because he would really like to talk to Apo one more time.

He doesn't leave the hotel all day, alternately tuning in to the news and trying to distract himself with music. There are several injured, and minor damages, but no deaths. It's turning out to be less of a threat than he initially feared.

It would be easier if Apo could just pick up the phone and call him. Mile has sort of thought that maybe this would be the thing that opened Apo's eyes to how petty he's been and brought him back to Mile. So the disappointment when this proves not to be the case is crushing. Apo won't even reach out when Mile is in danger of dying by earthquake. There is nothing that can move Apo now. And that's a depressing realization.

Mae Nathanee leaves Mile a sweet note of encouragement, telling him to cheer up and that she loves him. But she does not love him enough to hold his hand while he rots in bed, wallowing in his heartbreak. She has shopping to do.

Shortly after finding the note, Mile posts a picture of it to his Instagram. He feels greatly encouraged by it and hopes others will be inspired by it to do similar acts of kindness for others.

He also posts on Facebook.

Apo comments on his Instagram post almost immediately.

The cruel taunting Mile perceives in that innocuous message quickly undoes all the positivity his mother has built up in him.

This trip could have been so good, if not for the situation with Apo. Well, and the obsessive fangirl starting rumors about Mile inviting her to Japan as his girlfriend, which awarded her a prompt Unfollow from Mile. If he and Apo were still together, that would've driven Apo crazy with jealousy, because he never could grasp that the only woman Mile brings with him on these outings is his mom. But, as it stands, Apo doesn't care.

Back on the set of Man Suang, Apo has Mile fucked up. It feels like just yesterday they were lovers, and now they're just coworkers. Apo has changed his profile picture from the black-and-white side profile to one that no longer matches Mile's at all. Mile is tired of this roller coaster ride of emotions. But he's known from the beginning that Apo thrives on chaos. It should have been a big red flag.

It pains him how quickly Apo has managed to ice Mile out of his life. Apo seems entirely unaffected, while Mile looks like he hasn't slept properly in a week - because he hasn't.

"Are you okay?" He asks Mile during a scene together.

No, I'm not okay, Mile wants to scream. How come you're okay?!

Mile decides it should not be this easy. He tries seducing Apo, but Apo is impervious. He's just acting; Mile knows it. Apo will never admit it, though. Mile needs him to think no one is watching; then Apo will give in to the looks and touches. And if Apo is really as disenchanted with Mile as he seems, Mile will simply have to seduce him all over again, like he did the first time. If it worked before, it can work again.

Mile misses hearing Apo laugh. Picking flowers for him. Rubbing his ice cold feet. Mile would crawl over broken glass to get those privileges back. He shouldn't have resisted Apo's advances on the plane to Mumbai. He shouldn't have declined the offers to dance. He should have listened more, loved Apo better.

"Let me give you a massage," he offers when he sees Apo struggling to rub the knots out of his own shoulders. Apo used to be receptive to that.

Dancing has left Apo tense. Mile tries and fails to keep the thirsty tone out of his voice.

"Such a sweet thought," Apo chuckles drily. "I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Perhaps the first one."

The rejection stings. Everything Apo says or does lately feels like the crack of a whip on Mile's tender flesh. He's not sure how much more he can take. Apo leaves Mile alone to lick his wounds.

Mile makes up his mind after that to stop touching Apo. Apo trusts him because Mile's never made an inappropriate advance on him. If that were to change, Mile is afraid things would never be the same. The last thing he needs is for them to take over Build and Poi's headlines. He has no idea how a bitter Apo would spin their relationship to the public.

Mile distances himself even further from Apo. If Apo is so close with the other cast-mates, then he doesn't need Mile. Why should he get special treatment from Mile? Mile will treat him the same as any other cast-mate.

"I'm giving up on him," Mile tells his mom one day.

"Sure you are." His mom continues chopping carrots on the video call.

"I'm serious."

"You know why KinnPorsche turned out so good, don't you?" She asks at length.

Mile squares his shoulders.

"Because I'm a damn good actor."

His mother regards him flatly.

"Because of precisely the opposite of that," she murmurs.