There's destiny, and then there's machination.

Mile is no mastermind, but let it never be said that he does not go for what he wants. He is his own cupid, has engineered the whole thing. Mile has wanted the man before him for eight years. Now, here the man is in a white buttoned shirt rolled up at the sleeves, the first few buttons undone to reveal his sternum, sensual neck and delicate collarbone adorned in an array of ornamental chains, beads and jewels. His hair is coiffed up off of his forehead in a way that reveals the sinusoidal curve of his whiskey brown eyes. It's the final day of the two-week-long casting process; both actors are on the Fast-Track.

Mile has been starving for eight long years. Even though it's written in the script, he doesn't have to kiss Apo for the purposes of the final casting audition, and he certainly doesn't have to use tongue - but it's been eight long years.

The story was written based on Mile. When Mile found out they were turning it into a series, he decided to audition as himself. He hand-picked who he was going to be making out with, making sure the most attractive man he'd ever laid eyes on auditioned for the role of Porsche. Accordingly, the producers contacted Apo's manager who notified Apo, who agreed to cast. Nobody expected the most famous Romsaithong to waltz into the audition room and audition for the part that was written for him. But his crush is here and Mile's ready to risk it all. So, glancing up from his script, he gives Apo a brief look as if to say oh, we are doing this, cradles the back of the man's head with his free hand, and kisses him.

Apo's lips are smooth, unfairly soft and supple. They're the fullest lips Mile has ever kissed; it's unjust that they would belong to a man. It's cruel how they've tormented him on so many sleepless nights, when other warm bodies in Mile's bed were too small, too pale in comparison to the man whose name he didn't even know.

He crushes their lips together and presses into Apo with bruising force, for the way he bewitched Mile at those fashion shows - on February 21, 2013 and then July 24, 2013 and then August 10, 2013 - tattooing himself onto Mile's brain so Mile couldn't scrub his handsome visage from his memory no matter what he did. He snags Apo's lower lip between his teeth and pulls, for the innocent way Apo approached him later at the gym, with two gentle taps on his shoulder and a 'hello,' like he didn't know what he'd been doing to Mile. He clenches his jaw and seals their lips together until his cheeks are painfully hollowed out because it turns out that they went to the same university and didn't even know it. He slows the kiss, tilting his head to deepen it, because Apo is here again and Mile's entire body thrums with anticipation at the prospect of whatever's in store for them now. 

Apo's mouth is clean and minty fresh. Mile doesn't detect any perfume or cologne, but he smells intoxicatingly good. Consumed by longing, Mile extends his tongue and traces it over Apo's teeth. Apo's mouth drops open, whether from shock or abandon Mile does not know.

Mile believes in fate. So he kisses Apo like Apo is a hand-wrapped gift directly from heaven, kisses him so ardently a hush descends over the entire room.

Fisting his hand in the man's silky, tousled hair, Mile tongues Apo's mouth like Apo is water in the desert. His name means water in Pali. Mile knows this courtesy of Sprite, who interviewed Apo about it outside the audition room on the first day of casting. She then asked him what the word was for fire. Mile chuckled in his seat beside Apo, watching the exchange. Fire. Mile felt the flames, when he first laid eyes on Apo across the room of prospective actors and casting directors. What an ironic name.

At the casting call, Mile and Apo were too shy to go near each other. Apo later confessed he was afraid that Mile wouldn't remember him - more irony. But they made the kind of eye contact one only reads about in books, and then they were off in their own world, so caught up in meeting each other properly for the first time that no other actors dared approach them. They should've been rehearsing. It wasn't in their best interest to waste that precious time not rehearsing; they had different scripts so they couldn't even rehearse together. But there was no other option for Mile; he had waited too long to get to know Apo.

They exchanged Instagrams after that first meeting two weeks ago, as actors do. He thought he'd creeped Apo out, remarking that the man is still as handsome as when Mile saw him last, very similar to his favorite childhood TV actor. God, really, he berated himself almost as soon as the words slipped from his mouth, who says that to another man? Apo already had good reason to think Mile was stalking him at that point, but Mile was too nervous - racing heart, clammy palms, using every ounce of his professionalism to keep his voice steady - that the compliment slipped out before he could correct course. He presents confidence, has perfected the front all his life, but Apo demolished it all that day. Then the conversation shifted to antiques and vintage things, and they hit it off.

Murmurs of awe ripple through the judges' panel when he pulls away. All seven judges are impressed. Apo's eyes are unfocused, like every thought has flown clear from his head.

The COVID pandemic is at its peak, having raged around the world for ten months. Mile expected Apo to be furious with him, a stranger, for French-kissing him unnecessarily in the middle of a crowded room, with no warning. There are a million rebukes he could justifiably make.

Instead, he stutters out: "your lips are soft."

They get the roles, to no one's surprise.

Apo is a little unsteady on his feet when they leave the room, making Mile smirk inwardly. He looks thoroughly debauched, lips swollen and hair sticking up on his head like three little sheafs of rice. It's clear to Mile that Apo has never been kissed like that before. He probably can't even remember any kisses before Mile's.

Mile still can't believe how beautiful Apo is. Was he made in a lab or something?

Mile needs to put some distance between them right now, or he's afraid his passionate impulses will take over. He wonders how many months of filming it will take to get the hunger out of his system. But Apo catches up to him as he's leaving the building, apparently remembering how to string words together.

"So, uh...we should probably have each other's numbers. Since we're gonna be working together." Apo's right leg jitters.

Mile decides the safest thing to do is stare at his feet. If he looks at Apo in this state, he will spring a chubby right here and now, and it will serve him right.

"Right." Mile nods.

He gives Apo his number, and leaves before he has the chance to give him more.

•••

Apo makes good use of Mile's phone number.

Mile quickly learns that his costar is a bit of a hippie. He likes hand-picked flowers wrapped in newspaper, candid photos, the color yellow, forests, and hiking. He doesn't wear much perfume because he wants to be as natural as possible, and his damn allergies. He loves fizzy bath-bombs. His personal style involves a lot of loose, baggy shirts - always wrinkled - tucked into torn denim. He lived in New York with his sister for two years, where he learned to make cocktails, before the pandemic and civil unrest of the summer of 2020 brought him back to Thailand. He has a green-eyed cat that he believes he can communicate with through meows. A clothing brand, Traisit. He decided to audition for KinnPorsche after his manager, Buem, recommended the role to him.

Mile somehow knows all this and not the single most important thing: does he like men?

"So your manager thought you'd enjoy kissing men, huh?" Mile teases, smiling up at his bedroom ceiling with the phone wedged between his chin and his clavicle. "I think maybe he was trying to tell you something."

"Shut up." Apo huffs a laugh. "It's just that this role has so much...humanity. None of my other characters ever felt human. I was actually thinking about quitting acting before this."

Mile winces inwardly. How terrible must his previous kisses have felt to convince Apo not to return to the acting industry? Mile is proud that his kiss changed Apo's mind.

"I've watched your previous work," Mile admits. It was the first thing he did when he recognized Apo's face in some product ad: look him up and binge-watch everything in his entire acting portfolio. Then act clueless when Apo introduced himself at the gym.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, so I have high expectations from you. You'd better bring the viewers in."

"I actually tried out for your part." Mile already knows this.

"You, Kinn? Pfft."

"Yeah...I thought it was a good fit at first." It's clear that Apo believes himself to be very masculine. Mile specifically requested Apo for Porsche. But he's clearly underestimated the actor. 

"So you think you're pretty macho, huh?"

"Well, yeah." Apo sniffs.

"Until the kiss, haha." Mile swallows.

Apo hums by way of reply. "You're gonna be okay kissing me, right?"

Mile can almost hear the other man shrug.

"I think so."

"You know so." Mile doesn't know where this bout of courage is coming from. "After I kissed you so good."

Apo just laughs.

Mile pictures Apo's laughing eyes in his head, imagines tracing his finger along their shape, flicking his wrist at the naturally winged ends with a flourish.

"I was actually contacted to do some Y-series before this," Mile barrels on, clearing his throat. "But this is my first time taking up the offer."

"You watch that stuff?"

"I did, a bit." Mile squirms.

"Me too," Apo rushes to concede. "A bit... So how many did you turn down before KinnPorsche?"

"Six."

"Wow...it really is destiny." Apo whistles. "What made you want to act in one?"

"Just wanted to try something new."

"Mmhm, like sticking-your-tongue-down-another-man's-throat-new? I think your subconscious is trying to tell you something."

"Just...something new." Mile grins. He's grateful that Apo can't see the hot flush seep into his face. The miles between them make him braver. "What about you?"

"Well, when I was abroad during COVID and had nothing to do, I watched some Yaoi. Industry's growing and I...wanna be a part of it, I guess."

"When in New York..."

Mile suppresses a yawn, and then starts in alarm. His watch reads quarter to three in the morning. "Damn, we've been talking for a long time," he breathes.

"I'm enjoying getting to know you, Mile Phakphum Romsaithong."

"You too, Apo Nattawin Wattanagitiphat."

"Bet you'd like to get to know me better." Mile can practically hear the gleam in his eyes.

"I would," Mile admits. "I would like to get to know you better."

"Bet you're already thinking about kissing me again."

What is happening? Mile is beginning to realize that he will not get a wink of sleep tonight.

"I-I might be." Mile's heart is pounding. He doesn't know yet if this is flirting or just Apo being Apo. He increasingly suspects the latter.

"Mhm," the eccentric man giggles. "What else would you like to do to me?"

It is in this moment that Mile knows: Apo is either going to ruin his life or save it.

"Wow," Mile exclaims. "Look at the time!"

"Haha. My cat, Miuku, fell asleep while I was talking to you and scratching his belly." Mile feels sorry for the cat. Cats are infamously lethargic, and Apo's energy must torture the poor creature.

"He was probably thinking, oh god, please let me sleep..."

Apo laughs in a rich, deep baritone.

"Speaking of sleep, I should probably let you go."

"It's three AM, so yeah, that would be good."

"Sleep is good," Apo giggles brightly.

"Yes, sleep..." Mile mumbles drowsily. "Goodnight, Nattawin."

"Goodnight, Phakphum. Don't dream about me too much."

Mile promptly hangs up.

He wants to scream. He has always been in control in these types of situations, but Apo - who still has no idea who Mile really is - has the audacity to tease him like no one else has ever dared. Mile looks around for something he can afford to break, but everything is too expensive.

He lays his cheek on his pillow and thinks. It's not too late to back out. Mile has the chance to reconnect with his old flame, but he doesn't have to take it. Apo is very beautiful but he's very male. It can't work between two alpha men, can it? He groans and buries his face in the pillow.

•••

Preparation is required before they start shooting the lovingly-dubbed Fifty Shades of Mafia series.

This is Mile's first action series, and he needs to learn and perfect a plethora of new skills: knife-wielding and gun fights and fight sequences in general. He's training more intensely than ever, motivated not just by the role, but by the desire to let Apo know what he'll be working with. Apo deserves to kiss a handsome man.

After meeting Apo again during casting, Mile decided to post a throwback photo from the Rangsit university gym where Apo approached him for the first time and triggered this downward, spiralling decent into madness.

It's harder, at Mile's age, to return to his former glory. But the 2018 selfie seems to have served it's purpose, because Apo was impressed.

That fuck gives Mile the motivational boost he needs to leave his first comment on Apo's Instagram.

Apo is more experienced than Mile - he's been doing action his whole career - and happily takes him under his wing.

He is quickly becoming a good friend. It isn't easy for Mile to part with his long hair. It is a particularly significant moment in his life since it was a months-long effort to make a good deed that was important to him. He wants Apo there with him. And Apo delivers, showing up to the TUR hair salon on November 10 with his GoPro and personal brand of encouragement: jokes to distract Mile.

It's been three or four years since Mile had short hair; he can't quite remember.

"I was thinking of grabbing lunch in town?" Mile suggests afterwards, rubbing the back of his neck. The lack of hair there still feels weird. "Or a coffee, or whatever?"

Apo regards him with an inscrutable expression.

"Uh, sure, why not?"

And so they grab lunch, and Mile falls a little bit harder.

On their first day of shooting, they film a long, outdoor action sequence the director wants done in one take. Mile, being inexperienced, doesn't quite have a handle on the blocking. It doesn't help that he's extremely distracted by Apo pressed so close to his body - not to mention the crotch grab that is just enough to whet Mile's appetite and drive him crazy with the desire to feel around a little more.

Mile is hit in the forearm, hard enough to make his shoulder pop. There's a crunching sound when he rolls it experimentally.

"Are you okay?" Apo frets.

"I'm fine. I don't think it's dislocated," Mile winces.

"We should get a doctor-"

"No." Mile is mortified. So much for a dignified first impression.

"Fine... Keep an eye on it over the next few days."

"I'm fine," Mile repeats, annoyed at himself. This is going to be over before it starts if he can't keep his head in the game.

The plan was to continue shooting until 10PM. In spite of Apo's protests, Mile insists they continue shooting. The pain is his penance, he considers.

"Okay, fine. But quit getting lost in my eyes and focus," Apo chides him. "You can't afford to get injured, old man." Despite his words, Apo's touch is gentle and concerned.

Mile can't pin the younger man down. Half the time, Apo is a giant, hyper-energetic baby with his hair in a ponytail sticking up from his head at a ninety degree angle while he catches candy in his mouth: cute, bubbly, naughty, childish. In a room full of men in black and white, he wears a neon green so neon it's practically yellow. The other half of the time, he's a hot, spiky-haired, sex god commanding the room with his swagger.

Apo's personality is incongruous with his face. His face conveys beauty and elegance but his personality is that of a little boy that never grew up, maybe with a mild case of ADHD.

There are a lot of new experiences for Mile to take in these days: new people he's working with, a whole new job in a new industry. He even has a new haircut. There is novelty in everything. But, somehow, the novelty of Apo overshadows everything else. Apo's firecracker personality is too big and explosive to fit in a room. He has a young and immature mind, perpetually naughty.

The set is Apo's playground. Apo is everywhere at once; his inexhaustible energy leaves Mile breathless and dizzy. Apo is just...so much. A bottomless wellspring of energy, wired and frenetic, a literal ball of sunshine. Bouncing Apo, screaming Apo, happy Apo, dancing Apo, Apo excitedly showing him how he can roll his eyes all the way back into his head until only the whites are showing, or how well he can do the standing splits.

"Weirdo," Mile jests to ward off sinful thoughts.

Apo has no idea the agonizing sexual frustration he subjects Mile to. One minute he's laughing at Mile's failed dad jokes, gazing at him adoringly with a plump, pillowy lip snagged between his teeth, and the next he's calling Mile bro, making the older man want to crawl into a hole and die.

Mile may be in dire need of therapy.