"Ilyse, what are you doing home so early? Martin said you would be gone till after classes tomorrow." I didn't want the first person I saw to be Laura, why did it have to be her? My mind was in turmoil and the single person that I wanted to vent to wasn't the first person I had assumed I would see when I came through the front door.

I looked around Laura to see Martin coming through to the foyer, he looked worried. I watched as he put a hand on Laura's shoulder, gave it a squeeze then kissed her on the cheek and whispered something in her ear.

She left after that but gave a small smile as she walked past, what had Martin told her?

"Come on love, we'll go up to the study to talk." That caught me off guard but I wasn't going to argue with him, I'd leave the arguing, the yelling and the screaming for when we were actually behind a closed door. I might not have liked my new step family but I didn't want them hearing all that I had bottled up for Martin since he'd run out on us all those years ago.

When we made it to the study, when Martin closed the door...I didn't yell, I didn't scream like I thought I would. I paced, paced from the door to the window and back again. Bitting my fingernails had never been a habit I had been fond of and yet I found them particularly tasty as I wondered what to say and how to say it.

"Why? Why did you leave us? I overheard you talking when you picked me up from aunt B's, you said mom had been messed up or something...you said that you'd let me hate you because it was easier than ruining the image of her. Why did you leave us with her if she was so messed up? You could have saved us, saved Ky and Yvette...but you didn't, you ran away and we suffered." I hit Martin's hand away when he reached out for me, I couldn't stand to be touched right then but wished that Keelan was there so he could hug me tight.

The pacing didn't stop or lessen with time, more questions built in my mind but I'd at least let Martin answer those questions first before I unleashed more on him.

"Ilyse...your mom, she wasn't healthy. She'd fallen into a dark place after she miscarried your brother, it just all went downhill. I tried to stay with her, tried to get her help and help her through the tough times but she wouldn't let me back in. She blamed me for Liam's death, said that the stress had been too much, three kids and a fourth on the way with a husband that spent more time at work than at home. But you have to know...I loved you all, especially your mom. She was the light of my life, but when Liam died she just. I don't know, the light just went out of her." Martin was rambling, he had this far away look in his eye and panic on his face like he had to explain everything there and then.

But the sudden overload of information was doing my head in and I grabbed his hands to stop him from talking. Mom had miscarried? I couldn't remember a sudden change in her behaviour other than when she decided to pick us up from school drunk.

"How long before the accident was the miscarry and why'd you leave us with her? If you knew what she was like why didn't you take us with you?" I think that was the biggest thing for me, was why Martin had never tried to take us with him. For a few moments he just stood there, letting me hold his hands in mine as he looked.

I don't know what he was looking at but his eyes suddenly glazed over, his eyes closed suddenly but not before a tear slipped from the corner.

"I tried to, I wanted nothing more than to take you all away from the situation. But your mom made it difficult, accused me of assaulting her. She blackened my name and because I had a criminal record and she didn't..well I'm sure you can imagine which side the police stood by. I was only given a day a month to visit you girls and that was it, I did try to fight for you Ilyse but your mom won so I left it there instead if dragging it out like anyone else would." Martin sounded so sad but it wasn't the sadness in his voice that I was focusing on it was the expression on his face and the words that he was saying.

"Why? Why didn't you tell the police? Surely they could have..." As soon as I had asked the question, Martin began shaking his head ready to answer it.

"We could ask a million why questions and never get the answer that you're looking for Ilyse. Maybe I would have known, maybe I could have gotten you girls and we could have left your mom...but it never turned out that way and it's something I'll regret not pushing hard on for the rest of my life. Your mom and sisters deaths don't just hang over your head Ilyse, they hang over mine and my heart too." So I sort of knew that Martin loved us in some way, but to hear him say it with that much emotion and conviction sort of made me feel loved and wanted in that moment.

Don't get me wrong, he was still Martin in my eyes but now he was more like Martin, the loving father that didn't try hard enough to save us. Martin who could have saved his three daughters, Martin who I was now forced to live with...so many other types of Martin. But for once he wasn't 'Martin, the worst man I know in my life and who I hoped never to see again.'

"I'm going to take you shopping tomorrow, don't worry. We're not going to go to any fancy stores, we'll go thrift shopping if you want. I just want you to be happy and comfortable and it's clear when you're in those clothes that Laura brought that you are neither happy or comfortable. So, what do you say? We can go in the afternoon once you're done with your peer counseling?" I was a little unsure about the offer, my brain screamed a big, fat yes at wanting to go thrift shopping but I was conscious that a man like Martin probably didn't want to be caught dead in a store like that.

"It's fine Martin, I don't need new clothes. I'll just alter the ones I have now, aunt B raised me to never be fussy and while I don't like the clothes that Laura got me...I won't throw them out. They're just going to have to be the new me." The new me, I didn't know who I was yet again. I thought that I was mature, emotionally unavailable Ilyse that had her past locked away in a wardrobe never to be revealed again.

But I wasn't mature, I wasn't emotionally unavailable.

I think emotionally unstable was a better term to use, it seemed more fitting somehow. I mean, it wasn't a positive term but it was more positive than the term I had been using just a few hours ago. Locked away, unreachable...those terms were what I'd driven myself towards and what I felt I had to stick to just to get through my shitty life.

But my life wasn't shitty, it wasn't even bad.

It was mediocre in a lot of ways, maybe even Hollywood's kind of mediocre if anyone was paying attention. Not quite a normal, boring life but also not full of action, romance or werewolves.

"Okay, I'm glad you turned it down. Don't get me wrong, spending a day getting to know you would be fantastic but I never liked going shopping with your mom or Laura so I doubt I've changed much in the last few weeks. So is it too soon to ask when you and I can spend a day together? Maybe we can go out and get school supplies for you? Or maybe another laptop? Or phone? Do you like the one that you have? Do you need a car?" I didn't really know what to think. When I first got the laptop and phone I assumed that Martin was trying to buy my love. But sitting here watching him fidget, it made me realize that it wasn't his trying to buy my love...he was trying to be a good parent and was stressing out over it.

"No Martin! No cars, phones or new laptops. But I would like to go shopping for stationary one day if you want to go with me?" He seemed concerned at first but when I had finished my sentence he was smiling from ear to ear looking as pleased as a toddler who'd taken their diaper off.

"Okay, you pick the day and time and we'll go. That's the best thing I've hear all week." Martin must have been having a slow week if that was the best news he'd ever had.

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21 parts so far! 

I thought I'd get sick of writing this story but I'm not. I've got five-ish chapters written up and waiting and I honestly don't know how or where I'll end the story yet.